Am I right to not trust this woman......

[nikki1978]

My DH are very happily married and have been together 8 years now and have two DC. We rarely argue and we get on very well. We also have a great sex life. All in all we have a very solid relationship. DH is a very friendly guy and makes friends easily and gets involved in lots of different projects where he meets new people. He set up his own business last year which is going well and as part of it joined a local networking group. He met lots of people there but became particularly friendly with one woman who he invited out to the pub with his friends a few times. She is 15 years older than him but when he met her he said to me that she looks very good for her age and is what his friends would call a MILF. She has three kids and is divorced. I met her a couple of months after he did and she seemed nice enough if a bit of an attention whore around men (the sort who wants everyone to fancy her). She had a boyfriend at the time who was 19 years younger (they broke up a few months ago) and she is clearly into younger men. Anyway 2 months ago I came home from work early and she answered my own door to me. Wasn't bothered by this as I had told DH that I was on my way home so there was no dodgyness on his part. Apparently she comes to our house every Wednesday to help him do the reports for their networking group. This made me a little uneasy but didn't worry about it. When she went home DH told me that she has told a friend of his (one he introduced her to) that several of the people at their networking group thought they were having an affair. DH thought it was funny but I was a bit upset and asked him why they might think that. He said that he always gave her a hug hello (no biggie he does that to everyone) and they always left together and went to have coffee and gossip afterwards. I said I didn't realise they had coffee alone together every week and why hadn't he mentioned it. He said it never occured to him and it wasn't a big deal. I festered on it a bit and told him that the whole thing bothered me and was starting to worry me. He got a bit upset that I had doubted him for a bit - which I admitted I did but then decided I trusted him and was sure nothing was going on. He said he would stop seeing her for the coffees if I wanted but thought that was "a bit sad" if I wanted him to stop. I said no it was fine but I felt I should have been aware of it. Anyway that was all forgotten but since then I guess I am wary of her and notice everything she does. Like I saw an email from her where she calls him "thmelly" i.e annoying babytalk for smelly. She also says "hello gorgeous" whenever she sees him. She came round the other day (he had said to her on Facebook "fancy popping over for a brew?". I heard him answer the door and she said "hello gorgeous" then saw me and said "oh hello" as if she didn't expect me to be there. There are a few things like that which make me very wary of her....

I am probably being over dramatic but would this bother anyone else?

DH found our his mother was having an affair when he was 11 by accident and it broke his family apart. He has never really forgiven her. He has said before to me that an affair is unforgivable and you only go elsewhere if something is wrong in your relationship so you should deal with your problems or split up in his eyes.

I really, really don't think anything is going on but this woman is really starting to bother me.

AIBU?

Nikki- don't let OW get to you to this extent. But you will have to get DH to take responsibility as he is a party to the cause of your worry. Being jealous is natural especially as your suspicions are not ridiculous. I just think that you should continue to keep your cool and stay in control whatever happens. Being jealous towards an ego-driven bloke wouldn't help anything, although this does not necessarily apply to your DH. Try to maintain your self assuredness and confidence through it all; it will stand you in good stead.

Yes radiosilence you are correct. We had a threesome at my request and also got involved in swinging briefly but I decided it wasn't for me and he said although he enjoyed the experience he would always do what I wanted. It was me with another woman that he enjoyed although he did have sex with one other woman in our threesome but I don't think he is now gagging to get out there and do this with lots of other women!

TBH I didn't bring this up as I know people won't understand and will immediately assume he is a perv who wants to shag about. It honestly is not the case at all.

This woman was about long before our swinging experiences. Her dodgy behaviour has come about at the same sort of time but I am sure it is a co-incidence.

I don't think that your 3-some changes any of the advice above?

I think if anything, this additional information shows that you are not the type to get irrationally jealous at the mere hint of another womna around your DH, and that you and your DH do probaly have a stable respectful relationship, so if you are seriously worried, you probably have reason to be.

dittany the threesome was at nikki's request, not her DH's.

ditanny you are probably right in a way. I am scared of confrontations with anyone and if we ever have a proper argument I think we are going to split up.

Legacy of a terribly passove aggressive mother

I understand what you are saying and I do think the 3 some thing was a mistake.

This whole conversation is making me feel quite upset and confused as to whether my 'perfect' relationship is so after all....

It seems that you have a strong relationship based on trust, and that is the real problem here- the trust is being undermined and you are right to listen to your intuition.

He has told you he will not meet her again but thinks it would be a bit "sad" for you to ask it of him. Personally I would take him up on his offer and say you will trade him thinking of you as sad to regain security in your relationship. If he then refuses , then you have a whole different fight on your hands but at least you will see things more clearly.

By the way I am not 100% sure he called her a MILF.... I think that may have been something his friend said when he met her..... sorry slight bit of confusion on my part.

nikki there is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship. They are hard work, ut even if your DH would like to sleep with this other woman or is sexually attracted to her, it's how he controls or doesn't control these desires that makes him a good husband or not. If he cares about you and his marriage he will simply control himself and distance himself from temptation.

You sound very understanding, ut I tihnk you need to talk to him and let him know how you are feeling and see if he akes your feelings on oard and does what he can to minimise situations where he is alone with this woman.

Dittany the threesome was at my request because I have always fantastied about being with a woman and DH was happy for me to experiment - plus I had a fantasty about seeing him with someone else. I never did it to please him believe me. In the end the woman thing was so so and I felt a bit weird seeing him with another woman. We tried the swinging thing but I didn't like it so we have stopped. Although he would like to do it again and brings it up every now and then I guess I have not been firm about how I feel and have never said I don't want to do it again.

I'm interested in the adult climbing frame.

Swedes I just assumed it was a climbing wall? A climbing frame for adults would e a bit weird.

How much does she know about the swinging etc, she might see him as fair game?

As others have said he seems to be enjoying her attention

And as for her I would be mortified if people suggested I was having an affair with a married man and would make sure I didn't fan the flames by meeting for coffee etc

ikki, you really need to address this situation with your DH as soon as possible.

He has been inviting another woman into YOUR home every Wednesday without telling you. He has been meeting her for coffee without telling you and you suspect he has been round to her house without telling you. His relationship with this woman is so publicly affectionate that his friends joke that they are having an affair.

Have the boundaries of your relationship become so blurred that he feels he has your "permission" to carry on like this? If you've given him permission to have sex with another woman in front of you he probably won't think coffees and hugs in public places are a big deal.

In spite of what you tell us about the stability and trust that exists within your marriage, most of the posters here think that your DH's behaviour is insensitive and disrespectful. You gave him the green light to step outisde the "normal" confines of a marriage, and only you can re-draw the line.

Nikki, I think you need to tackle this woman and your DH.

I had a similar situation a few yrs ago.A divorced older woman and outgoing friendly husband working together. I was uncomfortable with her manner with him, the amount she would text/phone etc, he was oblivious though and initially felt I was making a fuss out of nothing.

Alarm bells rang when I read in your post that she had said that others were saying her and your DH were having an affair as this is what happened in my DHs case.

Luckily he realized it was an opener for him to say something along the lines of how nice that would be. He didnt and instead came home and told me I was right and she was after him.

The following day, she said how much she liked him and tried to kiss him!! He told her as nicely as he could(too nicely knowing him!!) that it was not what he wanted. I think this may have been the point at which it became an obsession for her. She then bombarded him with emails telling him how she couldnt live without him etc etc she twisted all the things he said to repel her gently by impling it was cos he was under the thumb.

Eventually he had to be utterly blunt and rude and cut off all contact with her (which was difficult as they were still working in the same place) change our numbers and email.

Basically I think that she may have been feeling vulnerable(she sounds just like the woman you describe tbh, newly separated too) and took how he is with everyone,(friendly, makes people feel good about themselves)personally, and then couldnt accept that he didnt want her when she made it clear she wanted him.

I'm not saying this will def happen, but just reminded me so much of our situation that I had to post. I was lucky that DH saw what she was doing cos he is a bit clueless about that kind of thing. He only saw it I think because I put the possibility in his head otherwise he might have ended up in a far worse situation as she took not saying anything to be a positive response iyswim.

I think you need to ask your DH if he is getting so much out of this friendship that he doesnt mind upsetting you to continue it. She is attempting to oust you I think, and you have no idea what mind games she is playing when you aren't there. DH remembered (after she had shown her true colors)other things she said designed to make him think poorly of me(I don't suppose you were allowed to watch the footy, cant you escape for a drinky etc).

Having said all that maybe she is just a friendly woman. Even so you need her to understand she is overstepping your boundary.

He has probably( IMO )been open about her to you and bringing her around in the hope you might find her attractive. She probably knows about the threesomes and swinging which has excited them both. Hence the sexual 'thmelly' comment.

I think you are on treacherous territory because your dh would have said it was your idea for the sexual adventures. It has obviously fired his imagination no end, even if it halted yours.

As I see it:

1. He would like to have a threesome with her and you

1. He would like to have sex with her (if he hasn't already, sorry, it might just be teenage fumbling stuff at this stage or she might be legs akimbo on the climbing frame giving him a bit of an eyefull.

1. You have unwittingly given him the green light for more sexual adventures with a clear conscience with or without you

1. Personally I would scare her off by whatever means necessary as you could lose him to her otherwise.

I feel for you, I knew a woman like this once. They are clever and manipulative and will make it look like you are the one being unreasonable when they know what they are trying to do.

She might not even want your DH but women like this just want to prove to themselves that they could have another woman's DH if they wanted to. I bet she always targets married men because these women want to feel that they are better than other women. They don't really like women and don't have good female friends.

She does seem like she is trying to worm her way in. The woman I knew even tried to get in with DH's parents, flirting with his dad, buttering up his mum, asking them to do favours for her. She still sends them Christmas cards and last Christmas sent them one but not us! (after I'd had an argument with her).

Your DH just loves the attention and why would he want to give it up? He is feeling special and wanted and the fact that other people are gossipping about it makes him feel that people think he is 'good' enough to be fancied by women other than his DW. It is a big ego boost for him. Men can't see women's subtle manipulative ways so he won't be able to see how awful she is being to you by doing this and might see you as being neurotic at first if you show how upset you are by it. The bitch knows this. She would love to see you argue because she is jealous of your relationship and could probably not achieve one like that herself.

I don't know what advice to give, I just want to give you my sympathy really. If you can make him see what she is doing somehow?.... You could say that the fact that other people are saying it looks like they are having an affair means that their behaviour is inappropriate and you don't want him to do it because it feels humiliating. Say you only want him to see her when other people are there as well. Just the two of them is too cosy and intimate.

Sorry if this is unhelpful, I've just spouted my bile about my own experiences which this has reminded me of!

She asked him to have sex with another woman.

Perhaps he thought she would enjoy it, it having been her idea. Perhaps he wanted to please her.