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Original poster

Am I right to not trust this woman......

133 replies

nikki1978 · 10/06/2009 15:08

My DH are very happily married and have been together 8 years now and have two DC. We rarely argue and we get on very well. We also have a great sex life. All in all we have a very solid relationship. DH is a very friendly guy and makes friends easily and gets involved in lots of different projects where he meets new people. He set up his own business last year which is going well and as part of it joined a local networking group. He met lots of people there but became particularly friendly with one woman who he invited out to the pub with his friends a few times. She is 15 years older than him but when he met her he said to me that she looks very good for her age and is what his friends would call a MILF. She has three kids and is divorced. I met her a couple of months after he did and she seemed nice enough if a bit of an attention whore around men (the sort who wants everyone to fancy her). She had a boyfriend at the time who was 19 years younger (they broke up a few months ago) and she is clearly into younger men. Anyway 2 months ago I came home from work early and she answered my own door to me. Wasn't bothered by this as I had told DH that I was on my way home so there was no dodgyness on his part. Apparently she comes to our house every Wednesday to help him do the reports for their networking group. This made me a little uneasy but didn't worry about it. When she went home DH told me that she has told a friend of his (one he introduced her to) that several of the people at their networking group thought they were having an affair. DH thought it was funny but I was a bit upset and asked him why they might think that. He said that he always gave her a hug hello (no biggie he does that to everyone) and they always left together and went to have coffee and gossip afterwards. I said I didn't realise they had coffee alone together every week and why hadn't he mentioned it. He said it never occured to him and it wasn't a big deal. I festered on it a bit and told him that the whole thing bothered me and was starting to worry me. He got a bit upset that I had doubted him for a bit - which I admitted I did but then decided I trusted him and was sure nothing was going on. He said he would stop seeing her for the coffees if I wanted but thought that was "a bit sad" if I wanted him to stop. I said no it was fine but I felt I should have been aware of it. Anyway that was all forgotten but since then I guess I am wary of her and notice everything she does. Like I saw an email from her where she calls him "thmelly" i.e annoying babytalk for smelly. She also says "hello gorgeous" whenever she sees him. She came round the other day (he had said to her on Facebook "fancy popping over for a brew?". I heard him answer the door and she said "hello gorgeous" then saw me and said "oh hello" as if she didn't expect me to be there. There are a few things like that which make me very wary of her....

I am probably being over dramatic but would this bother anyone else?

DH found our his mother was having an affair when he was 11 by accident and it broke his family apart. He has never really forgiven her. He has said before to me that an affair is unforgivable and you only go elsewhere if something is wrong in your relationship so you should deal with your problems or split up in his eyes.

I really, really don't think anything is going on but this woman is really starting to bother me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NorbertDentressangle · 10/06/2009 16:01

modernart -thats exactly what I was thinking.

If shes a bit of a bunny-boiler I bet she had a good snoop around to see what she could find out about you and your DH's lives.

Original poster
nikki1978 · 10/06/2009 16:10

I'm starting to get a bit freaked out here! There have been a couple of other things on his part that have made me uneasy. One being that when she was at our house the other day - the one where he invited her round for a cup of tea - she was talking about how she has a adult climbing frame in her garden (she is 45!) and she said to DH - have you been in my garden? He said no. Then the next day we were talking about something and he mentioned that her back garden was amazing and had all this cool stuff in it. I said when did you go to her house and he looked shifty and said oh me and so so and so dropped some stuff round there once.

Shit.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 10/06/2009 16:11

Did she clonk your husband over the head and drag him unconscious back to his own house then? Or are we to presume at some point he invited her?

She sounds like she fancies him. He sounds like he likes it.

You are right not to trust her, of course you are. But I wouldn't be letting him off his leash any time soon either. How would he feel if he came home to find your older male friend dipping his fingers in the biscuit barrel? Ask him. And then tell him you want him to cool it with Mrs Robinson there as it makes you uncomfortable. But don't lay all the blame at her feet. He's an adult too.

Bucharest · 10/06/2009 16:12

Xposted with your last one....

There you go then. QED.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 10/06/2009 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman · 10/06/2009 16:20

i had a friend a bit like this (she is no longer a friend becuause of similar behaviour.)

She would make it known that she thought she could have any man she wanted and any wife that didnt give her h what he wanted was a fool who would lose her h. (and probably to her as she was up for it always[hmm[).

If you are married you should both be comfortable with each others friends, becuase they should be friends to your marriage too.

brunettemum · 10/06/2009 16:20

I wouldn't trust her either.

I had a similar situation with my DH a few years back; and it's not that I thought he was going to have an affair, but I know that he likes his ego massaged now and again (don't they all?!), and she was doing a great job of it... and I just didn't trust her motives. Why was she interested in pursuing a friendship with a married man without showing any interest in me or our lives together? I certainly wouldn't do it - in fact, I'd feel darned uncomfortable going to a male friend's house, on my own, without his wife there.

Having pondered it, I think a big part of it was a territory thing; she was invading my space by being on MSN, phone calls in evening and coming to my house. So I just put a stop to it. Not the friendship, just the invasion of my home. After I told DH how it made me feel, to be fair, he did stop her coming to the house and the 'friendship' fizzled out. Maybe because she could see what his priorities were so she moved on to her next 'victim'.

I'd talk to DH about how it makes you feel and like others have said, how it would make him feel if the roles were reversed.

cornsilk · 10/06/2009 16:21

Next time she comes round have some tena lady carefully stashed and casually say 'Oh Gladys you dropped this!' She'll insist it isn't hers and you can look pityingly at her and give DH a knowing look.

FlappyCake · 10/06/2009 16:21

Ugh, she sounds revolting and very insecure - ie she has no other way of relating to men than to flirt with them. This is quite sad but Not Your Problem.

It also sounds as though the group of men are all secretly quite excited by her approach but only in a look-but-don't-touch kind of way iyswim? Like they are intrigued like a bunch of teenagers seeing their mate's mum in her underwear, or something, jaws on the floor etc but at the same time if she actually came onto them they would RUN

So I don't think she is a threat - she sound quite un fanciable, and not really like someone you could respect and that would be more of a threat.

Overmydeadbody · 10/06/2009 16:22

Hang on a minute, am I the only person who doesn't think this woman sounds predatory, up to no good, or any of the other nasty things she is accused of on this thread?

Seriously, I know we are on the OP's side, but of course nikki is going to paint her in a predatory light, she is suspisious, but the woman doesn't sound like a predator to me.

FlappyCake · 10/06/2009 16:23

How come OMDB?

Bucharest · 10/06/2009 16:23

OMDB- 6 of one and half a dozen of t'other I'd say.

dittany · 10/06/2009 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sourdough · 10/06/2009 16:30

I've had similar problems with my DH, whom I trust completely but is a bit of a magnet for these types. I agree with others who say speak to him, calmly, and ask him how he would feel would the situation be reversed. Make him aware of the fact that although you trust him not to let you down, it doesn't look that way to others and it upsets you and undermines your entire family for him to be seen to be cosying up to another woman. Make no bones about it, she is totally predatory and you need to mark your territory. She must not be invited into your home again. I have bitter experience of women who worm their way in with a man by making their motives look innocent, i.e babysitting etc. They want it to look as though they are being genuine, but all other evidence points elsewhere. Your DH sounds a good man, if a little naive and like most men is probably flattered by the attention. Don't be made to feel unreasonable for putting a stop to it.

Overmydeadbody · 10/06/2009 16:30

FlappyCake bwcause I don't think she's actually done anything wrong, or obviously predatory. Why does everyone assume she wants to sleep with the op's DH just because she is friendly with him?

What a married/coupled up woman may view as flirtatious behaviour is not necessarily what a single woman would consider flirtatious behaviour.

FlappyCake · 10/06/2009 16:30

Ah Dittany. I was wondering where you were.

dollius · 10/06/2009 16:31

I completely agree with Dittany.

Answering YOUR front door to YOU. Calling your DH gorgeous and "thmelly" (bleurghh).

All sounds a bit intrusive/combative to me.

I don't think your DH would be inviting her round while you were there if he had any bad intentions. But he is enjoying the attention, and it is at your expense.

Other people gossiping about your DH having an affair with another woman is just insulting.

FlappyCake · 10/06/2009 16:32

OMDB I don't think she necessarily wants to sleep with him but she sounds incredibly flirtatious to me. Perhaps it's just the way she relates to men. It's a bit immature but ultimately not worth worrying about I think.

Overmydeadbody · 10/06/2009 16:38

Yes it is obviously just the way she realtes to some men, but that doesn't make her all the nasty things she's been referred to on this thread.

The OP's DH should be more sensitive to the OP's feelings, and while the woman may be immature and bloody annoying (baby talk?!?wtf) that doesn't necessarily mean she is a bad person or 'dangerous' or a predator. Just a bit loopy.

dittany · 10/06/2009 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bucharest · 10/06/2009 16:42

Another thing that tbh would ring alarm bells for me, is the whole story of the husband having been sooooo cut up about his parents' divorce he'd never do such a thing....Methinks he doth protest too much.

As I said. 6 of one. OP, kick him into touch.

dittany · 10/06/2009 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bohemianbint · 10/06/2009 16:45

Does he not think it's a big deal that people think he's having an affair? My DH would be mortified if people thought that about him in case I found out and -chopped his bollocks off

muffle · 10/06/2009 16:48

I know the sisterhood is not supposed to blame the woman, it takes two to tango, blah de blah. But there really are women (and I'm sure men like that of course too) who target married men and flirt like hell and inveigle their way in. The signs are pretty convincing I think! - she calls him gorgeous (and thmelly - shudder), she's keen to be found attractive, her biological clock's ticking, she's encouraging lots of physical hugging etc. with him, they're spending time together alone. I don't think we can let this one off the hook. She knows he's married and she doesn't seem to give a hoot about behaving inappropriately. If your DP/DH had a bona fide female friend who really was not a threat, would she behave like this? I doubt it.

Original poster
nikki1978 · 10/06/2009 16:48

bohemianbint - he says he thinks they are a much of middle aged people who have nothing better to do than gossip and rumour-monger about other people in the group and he thinks they are pathetic.....

OP posts: