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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single. Gagging for it. But don't want relationship. Know a bloke who'd jump at chance to hop in sack with me. Do I just ask him?!

55 replies

allafluster · 05/06/2009 11:26

Have namechanged for this because feel a bit at my floozyness (is that a word?).

I'm single and happy being single for now. But I do miss sex a lot, mid-cycle especially.

I've known a guy for about a year who I know has a soft spot for me, and I could have a soft spot for his body , but he just doesn't do it for me mind-wise, IYSWIM. He's sweet and a gentle sort though, and I'm sure if I somehow suggested we meet up every now and then for a bit of action, he'd jump at the chance.

The thing is, this is new to me. I was in one long relationship since early adulthood, so rusty doesn't do it justice. And it's not like I'm asking him out in a conventional sense. I want to ask him for sex only. No going out for drinks and behaving like we're all loved up. He's invited me out tonight. I'm not interested. But I am interested in asking him here on his lunch break. (Yes, I'm mid-cycle!)

So, firstly, AIBU to even want this? And secondly, if not, how do I go about getting him to 'friend with benefits' status without behaving like an utter slut, hurting his feelings, etc?

Failing that, how do I find a f*ck buddy somewhere else? I'd happily stay single for a few years, but I am not going sans sex for that long. No way.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 05/06/2009 11:28

....watching with interest!

nickschick · 05/06/2009 11:28

I think the only risk apart from a STD is that youd get hurt emotionally - but your a big girl if you want to do it - try it and see.
(providing blokey in question is not married or in a relationship)

Original poster

allafluster · 05/06/2009 11:31

at ChasingSquirrels.

Condoms of course, nickschick. And I think I'd be OK emotionally, in that I know I don't want and never would want a relationship with this man, IYSWIM. And bloke is single. Wouldn't even consider it otherwise.

I do want the meaningful relationship talked of in sparkybint's recent post - where the bloke is so respectful he'd happily wait months for any action. I just don't want that now. I want to be on my own for a while ... but not without sex. Maybe that's wanting too much.

OP posts:

CherryChoc · 05/06/2009 11:34

You have to be honest with him - it's not fair to string him along if he wants a relationship! Also, if you are absolutely sure you wouldn't ever want a relationship with him, don't go there, look for someone else. I ended up doing this once - having a "fuck buddy" relationship with someone I really liked, because I thought I'd rather have that than nothing at all, it really messed me up and ended up Not Being Fun at all. I also lost all respect for that person because he didn't give a shit about my feelings.

Original poster

allafluster · 05/06/2009 11:44

Cherry, I would be honest - that's sort of my question, really: how do you (or can you) put it to someone that you'd like to get intimate with them, but not have a relationship? Well, other than being out with the girls and pissed as a fart and it just sort of happening. That doesn't happen to me very often though!

I am absolutely sure I wouldn't want a relationship with this person, Cherry. But doesn't that make it better/easier? I thought there'd be more scope for getting hurt trying to have a non-relationship fling with someone you do want a relationship with. I obviously have much to learn!

Of course I can go without sex for as long as I want to go without a relationship. I just don't want to. Solid, where are you? You're happily single and have a decent sex drive - so what do you do to, erm, stay fulfilled in this department?

OP posts:

MojoLost · 05/06/2009 11:46

I really don't think I could feel anything physically or emotionally if mind-wise he didn't do it for me. So having sex would be really yuck.
You must be attracted to him, otherwise you wouldn't be considering this.
If he is attracted to you and maybe has feelings for you, you will break his heart. I wouldn't do that. You wouldn't like a man doing that to you right?

Claire2009 · 05/06/2009 11:50

Ask him.

People do have no strings attached fun, I have done myself and still do occassionally. Like you I am single, happy being single but miss the sex.

If you can do it and not get emotionally attached and be good friends then go for it, I say

Claire2009 · 05/06/2009 11:56

And when you do ask, mention that you are happy single, but you do miss one thing

Original poster

allafluster · 05/06/2009 11:58

Fair points, Mojo. Intellectually, I can't get excited about him. But he is a sweet, kind person, so likeable, if that makes sense. You're right, sex would be hopefully not yuck, but different. There isn't chemistry there in the way there has been with people I have slept with in the past, although physically, he is attractive (which is probably why my hormones I am interested at this particular point in time). No intentions of breaking anyone's heart though and you're right, I wouldn't want that done to me either.

So I suppose the question is this: how do you navigate the grey area between being in a committed relationship and being single and celibate - and when you're a lone parent? Is it as black-and-white as DIY only or a proper relationship? Surely not.

Thanks for posts, BTW. My sex-drive goes a bit loopy at this time of the month, and you're helping me see sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

allafluster · 05/06/2009 12:00

Thanks, Claire. So it can be done, eh? Hmm.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 05/06/2009 12:03

Go for it. Of course YANBU for wanting this.

As long as you are open and honest and he knows it's just no strings fun, then there is nothing wrong with it.

You just need to make the move, perhaps via msn or some other instant chat thing so you can test the water and see what his reaction is? You know, flirty stuff etc.

Overmydeadbody · 05/06/2009 12:05

Of course it's not black and white DIY only or a committed relationship!!!

I could never cope like that.

Sex is great, it's there to be enjoyed, if you find a willing partner for enjoying sex then there's nothing wrong with that.

Overmydeadbody · 05/06/2009 12:08

Mojo sexual attraction for someone can be completely seperate from any other kind of attraction, it's just lust and animal instincts we're talking aobut here, which is very different form emotional attractions to people.

I've had plenty of no-strings sex only relationships with men without getitng emotionally involved or either of us getting our hearts broken.

I'm not sure how you should suggest it though allafster!

aseriouslyblondemoment · 05/06/2009 12:08

personally i don't see a prob.if you can think you can handle it
just bear in mind tho that these situs can sometimes get out of hand

maltesers · 05/06/2009 12:10

I agree Overmydeadbody. ! As long as you dont get hurt or hurt the other party go for it and enjoy,. You're only human afterall !

Claire2009 · 05/06/2009 12:11

It can indeed be done

Go out for a drink with him, chat about life/being single/need for fun

maltesers · 05/06/2009 12:15

Just get dead flirty with him over a very large bottle of wine.
All inhibitions will drop and you can find out if he wants the same.... i bet he does want sex.

maltesers · 05/06/2009 12:17

You said he would jump at the chance so there you go... all offered to you on a plate. lol !

Original poster

allafluster · 05/06/2009 12:50

Thanks for more encouraging, 'can do' posts.

Well, we text sometimes, and he texted me today asking me out tonight, and I've replied, hinting as to where I'm at in terms of no strings sex. We'll have to see what he comes back with.

As an aside, we got to know each other through (of all things) a shared interest in gardening. He has an allotment. There can't be many texts which are both sexually suggestive and ask if the turnips are ready!

OP posts:

maltesers · 05/06/2009 13:13

You want to see his bananas though.....dont you ! Or that VERY large cucumber !!! lol

pellmell · 05/06/2009 13:38

In your mind is he any good?
Could be awful if he is crap at it!
Then again .....oh just tell him the truth!
and us if you do it

Rhubarb · 05/06/2009 13:41

I think, if he has a crush on you, he'd be hoping for the relationship to progress further. If that isn't what you want, then I think it would be cruel to lead him on.

After all, what advice would you give to a man who wanted a quick shag and was thinking of asking the girl he knows has a crush on him? What response would that get on Mumsnet?

Do you not get the chance to go out? A night out with friends, dancing, you never know whose eye you might catch. But this bloke I would give a wide berth. He would be hurt and you would feel awkward. I'd much rather do it with someone I don't necessarily have to see again.

Kally · 05/06/2009 13:43

Just go for it. The lower your expectations are the better it will be.

If you like being single and are not ready for a committed relationship, but on the other hand, want sex now and then... what's the big deal?

Now, having said that, I think that if you start to enjoy this particular guy and look forward to 'meets' with him, that, in my opinion, means there is a deeper connection going on. In which case, what is wrong with that? Your body says 'aye' and your mind says 'aye'... it therefore is filling the void that you are so trying to hang on to.

I have had FWB's, I always got involved emotionally and decided that it wasn't for me, I can't stay 'detached' as I think a lot of women can't, or they wouldn't be romping (and getting so much fulfillment) in the first place .

I am of the understanding (at my age right now) (50'and a bit) that being single is nice... yeah... but when you find someone you have good sex with you either get bored, (if there is no emotional connection there), or, if there is emotional clicks, the sex gets even better and you start to nurture the relationship without even realising. I can't just 'body-fuck' for long, I look forward to the emotions getting into play (even better when it's mutual and sad when it's not). But try, you don't know til you try, and if it is just body-fucking, then just enjoy it, just don't get too involved in personals and communications etc, keep it very physical and simple. (Until you get bored with it) as that is what eventually will happen.
Oh, and another thing, very often FWB end up being in control of one or the other... I found I wanted more meets than he could handle and he very often feined being otherwise caught up or indisposed . So where does that leave you? You always saying yes to his prompts because you want it, which turns into him calling the shots of 'when'. Make sure that doesn't happen, it has to be fair.
Good luck.

Rhubarb · 05/06/2009 13:46

I'm sorry, but she's already said she doesn't want him in any other way but sex. "I've known a guy for about a year who I know has a soft spot for me, and I could have a soft spot for his body , but he just doesn't do it for me mind-wise, IYSWIM."

So he's not your type, you don't fancy him, but he fancies you. Therefore you are taking advantage by asking him for sex because you know that he's looking for a relationship. Yes you can tell him that it's no strings sex, but if he has a soft spot for you, he's going to go along with that hoping you'll change your mind.

I really do think that the responses would be SO much different if you were a man asking about a woman. This is where women really are sexist.

paisleyleaf · 05/06/2009 13:49

I agree with Rhubarb
you might find this guy starts to get needy, or hopes up.
And it might prevent him from finding a real relationship (if that's what he wants)
It just seems a bit rotten to use him.
And really, even if you talk about it with him first and make it clear that it's just sex for you...you can't trust him if he says he's happy with that alone too iykwim.

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