Single. Gagging for it. But don't want relationship. Know a bloke who'd jump at chance to hop in sack with me. Do I just ask him?!

[allafluster]

Have namechanged for this because feel a bit at my floozyness (is that a word?).

I'm single and happy being single for now. But I do miss sex a lot, mid-cycle especially.

I've known a guy for about a year who I know has a soft spot for me, and I could have a soft spot for his body , but he just doesn't do it for me mind-wise, IYSWIM. He's sweet and a gentle sort though, and I'm sure if I somehow suggested we meet up every now and then for a bit of action, he'd jump at the chance.

The thing is, this is new to me. I was in one long relationship since early adulthood, so rusty doesn't do it justice. And it's not like I'm asking him out in a conventional sense. I want to ask him for sex only. No going out for drinks and behaving like we're all loved up. He's invited me out tonight. I'm not interested. But I am interested in asking him here on his lunch break. (Yes, I'm mid-cycle!)

So, firstly, AIBU to even want this? And secondly, if not, how do I go about getting him to 'friend with benefits' status without behaving like an utter slut, hurting his feelings, etc?

Failing that, how do I find a f*ck buddy somewhere else? I'd happily stay single for a few years, but I am not going sans sex for that long. No way.

You know he likes you. You know he'd love a relationship with you. Using the 'no strings' line is just an excuse to make you feel better about using this guy.

And as Paisley says, it might stop him from having a proper relationship, if you're stringing him along.

"I think, if he has a crush on you, he'd be hoping for the relationship to progress further. If that isn't what you want, then I think it would be cruel to lead him on."

Rhubarb you put it in much better words that I can manage. She says he is a kind sweet person, precisely the unexpecting type most likely to get hurt.

If you really need to do things that way, get someone who cares about you as little as you care about him. A stranger perhaps, or somebody that is attracted to you but who thinks that mind-wise you don't do it for him?

Hmm. Thanks for responses. As for hurting him/using him, I can see how there is potential for this. And yes, put like Rhubarb said - how would MN respond if a bloke who wanted no strings sex was thinking of asking a woman he knew had a crush on him - it doesn't sound good. FWIW, I don't know if this bloke really is the right bloke, granted. But I do think that if one party is clear about wanting to remain single and any sexual intimacy being just that - well, it is the responsibility of the other party to decide if they can handle that. If they can't, they shouldn't agree. And (in my mind at least) that sounds fair enough whether it's a man or woman wanting the no strings sex.

Kally, thanks for such a full description of how it can, and doesn't, work out. Helpful.

Rhubarb, I do go out, yes. I'm quite lucky in that regard - I get enough 'me' time. But I go out with friends who are already attached, and often with their other halves too. I have one hard-partying single girlfriend left, who doesn't live locally. We plan to have a proper girly night out before the summer's out. But everyone else I know - I mean everyone - is (seemingly) happily married and with kids. So I go to the cinema with my (married) neighbour, walks with my (married) friends, barbecues with other families, meals out with (all married) female friends, etc. It's a lovely social life - I wouldn't trade it in for anything - but it doesn't offer much scope for a spontaneous snog.

Sorry to disappoint, pellmell, but allotment man, bless 'im, didn't seem to get my cheeky read-between-the-lines text, and is 'cool' with the staying-single situation. So no big cucumbers any time soon! It's a bit early in the season for those, anyway.

"But I do think that if one party is clear about wanting to remain single and any sexual intimacy being just that - well, it is the responsibility of the other party to decide if they can handle that. If they can't, they shouldn't agree"

That's the bit I mean,when I said you can't trust him.

Yes, but that wouldn't be my responsibility, paisleyleaf. I wouldn't be leading him on, teasing him, etc. He would know the score. And if he couldn't handle the idea, whether at the outset or over time, that's for him to say no to and/or to deal with and learn from. Am I being a hard-hearted bitch here or isn't that reasonable? I would reiterate that I have no intention of going into any kind of no strings fling like this and hurting someone - that is me hurting them on account of my deception, dishonesty or whatever. This wouldn't preclude them getting hurt as a result of their own evolving feelings about the situation, on which they can act (i.e. get out) if they choose. It's subtle but I do see a difference there. Am getting hypothetical now.

Rhubarb - you are making a lot of sense. I do think there is huge potential for the man to be hurt here by just by misunderstanding what is happening.

allafluster - not being judgey because I have never been in your situation. The one thing that did strike me was that you feel comfortable about asking this man to enter into this uncommitment kind of relationship precisely because he is a "sweet and a gentle sort" and you trust him to be nice to you. Not like, say, an unknown random man at a party.

What happens though if you find he likes you and wants to be with you more often and starts phoning and not just for sex? I just feel that in the end you may have to really hurt him to make him 'go away'.

He may be OK about 'just sex' but it sounds to me that he already might like you more than that and may perhaps find it very difficult to separate sex and his true feelings.

It could all end up being very difficult if you have to see him again socially. TBH, it would be beter to find a man who feels the same way as you do. Of course, I know that is difficult.

What about trying to make new friends that are single or even divorced?. Believe me, there are lots and lots of people in the same boat as you, coming out of a relationship to find everybody is busy with their other halves as for to join you in your free time.

It may sound up daunting but what about using a dating site to make new friends? who knows, you may be finding someone happy to be your friend to go out, or even someone whose mind does it for you. I know you are not looking for a proper relationship at the moment, so you are in a good position to evaluate what kind of person you want around you or not.

Don't do it. You will end up hurting him I can pretty much guarantee it. It is all well and good saying that they will know the score and so it is up to them but chances are he will think his luck is in and hope that you will end up falling for him.

If you are not concerned with fancying the person you are having sex with then why not just have a random one night stand?

I think it might be better to start dating and just satisfy yourself inbetween

Go for it - but with someone who doesn't want to be with you either. Agree with the others who say you will probably end up really hurting this chap.

i would be upfront:

'fuck buddy?'
'yes!'
'as soon as you get all weepy on me, that's the end. ok?'
'yes'

jump in sack.

my ex had a fuck buddy, but he ended it when she wanted more. she knew the score, she got involved, and was ok with it when they stopped.

you're both adults. you're both responsible.

If you don't like him enough to have a drink with him, then I would actually advise against having sex with him. This is most definitely not to say that no-strings sex is wrong, but it is wrong to have sex with someone you actively despise and look down on. He is a human being, not a toy, and deserves to be treated with courtesy.
For no-strings sex, your best option is probably a swingers' club: they are very safe, welcome single women and the general convention of the place is chat, shag and then go home happy with no expectations of further contact.

I don't think you should be entertaining this idea because you will hurt him - and by turn yourself because you will feel bad.

So what has stopped you from now forming any potentially good relationships; this previous bad experience of yours?. Being in a long relationship since early adulthood was perhaps also one you were not actually prepared for emotionally. You sound afraid of being hurt and or rejected yourself so you put up barriers to stop being hurt in such a way. I would also suggest counselling for your own self as there are issues here that need unravelling.

www.maritalaffair.co.uk

This site has single men (and women) on it. Best to join up for a month, spend a few days looking at the profiles. While looking, mark a few people you like. Pay the £20 for a month. When you send messages to people, put your email into the subject box so they can see your email address if their subscription ran out.

Some people are married and some are not.

Good luck.

So, you know he has a crush on you, really likes you, but you don't think he's the one for you. However you want a fuck buddy so you ask him for casual sex, thinking that it's his responsibility if he wants to take it or leave it.

Knowing that he fancies you, you quite fancy your chances here.

Now, put the shoe on the other foot. If you really fancied a guy, and he asked you round for casual sex, nothing more. Would you not go in the hope that it might lead to something more anyway? Who's fault would it be if you did? His fault for leading you on, knowing that you fancied him, or yours for daring to hope?

This man is going to get very hurt. But you'll be fine because you get to have sex. Whoopee.

You sound like a very selfish person. Sorry.

The FWB will last till one of you get into a relationship. Then one person is "kicked out" and left to "starve". You may loose a friend permanently then.

If your friend wants more and you send him packing, you feel bad for letting your friend down and loose a friend.

If you find a FB, you get the sex and you get to keep your friend.

Your friend probably knows more of your friends. If things turn bad, you might loose a few friends.

Look, the way to be ethical about having a no-strings sexual relationship is to tell anyone you want to do it with that you are going to be having sex with other people as well. Even if you are actually not that busy with anyone else at the time The bottom line is that that is what properly defines a no-strings relationship (while monogamy is not compulsory in committed relationships that is a different issue). If you say that to someone else then they really do have the option of accepting that you do not want to commit to them or, if they are keen to have a more involved relationship with you, declinging the offer.

sorry i dont think sex is possible without feelings creeping in. Men have feelings too and you are at risk of hurting him. Calling him a fuck buddy is a real insult to him. If you don't like him for who he is - cross your legs.... he's not a male prostitute....

UMW: it's perfectly possible to have sex with no feelings more problematic than cheerful goodwill. In this case I think the OP does run the risk of hurting the specific man she refers to, but there will be other men who would be happy to oblige her and who will not be vulnerable to being hurt.

I've read a few of the posts but not all of them, so apologies if someone has already suggested this...

try www.plentyoffish.com

Free dating website. Seriously honey, when my friend broke up with her hubbie last year, we helped her put herself online much later and lived through it with her!!!

You can also find dates and long term relationships - you just choose what you write on there as a category of what you want, (I would put "dating" if I were you rather than go straight for "intimite (ie sex) relationship" category as you also get those who want a fling on the dating bit ie. sex!- given what she found, so i suspect the other category might attract more pervy types??!!)

You can then search locally.

Do put a photo of yourself on though and select out only those who have photos on, and then email for a while and meet up safely at first until you know them. Same as meeting a man in a club but via internet!!
And be careful. Make sure you have a friend who has all the details and is in the loop otherwise it's dangerous.

3 of my (single) friends found lovely boyfriends on there with some great fun on the way (i.e. trying a few first!!!! )including the friend above (who was number 3), and it was why she tried it (after no.s 1 and 2). Let us know how it goes!

Thank you for all the additional posts. You've shared some interesting perspectives and some useful tips, so thank you.

I feel confident that I am not a 'very selfish person', Rhubarb. Inexperienced with this kind of thing, yes, and questioning the idea of approaching this man enough to raise it on here rather than plough on with it regardless. And your suggesting how hurt this guy could be, regardless of whether or not he had the chance to say no, is of course enough to make me think that casual sex with this particular guy could be a bad idea. I do appreciate your input on this, but wish it could come without the character assasination.

ABetaDad - great post. This chap's appeal doesn't lie in him being a 'sweet and gentle sort' TBH, but because he is the only unattached bloke I know who has expressed an interest in me. Given my mixing-with-marrieds social life and with having DS in my charge most of the time, this simply seemed the only option to me. But I can see, from posts on here, that it doesn't have to be.

Solid, I don't despise or look down on this bloke. He is a nice man. Just not for me in the relationship sense, and I feel sure of that. The not-having-a-drink feeling I think was about not wanting it to seem like dating/a relationship, I suppose. I have never had a friend-with-benefits in the accepted sense, so I don't altogether know how it 'works'. Swingers club is an interesting suggestion - thanks - and yes, I agree, he needs to be treated with courtesy. I haven't done anything discourteous to this man, even if it turns out I have thought about him discourteously, so thankfully, no harm done. Useful definition of 'no strings', too.

Attila, points taken. I am not long out of the final stages of my (fairly protracted) break-up. And yes, I have been very hurt and rejected, and am afraid of this happening again - I have become a bit hardened, which I don't like, but which I understand; it's self-protection. I would rather have no relationship than be treated as I have been, and my reason for wanting some breathing space between my previous relationship and another 'serious' one, is so that time can heal a bit and I can learn to trust and let go and believe that someone really can love and respect me without it turning out that it's all been a farce. Getting to this point is going to take time. In the meantime, just on a few days a month, I do feel incredibly horny - hence this thread ... but have just survived the latest phase of this, so can do it again.

Thanks again for posts. Food for thought.

I agree with SOLIDGOLDBRASS !!

God you sound like a blokes dream, tell hime what you want when you want it and how you want it, he'll probably fal head over heals in lust for you and jump your bones there and then, just make sure he knows its no strings.

Find em online, sites like www.eliteaffair.co.uk are perfect for getting a bit of nookie.

Go out for a drink, explain how you feel, ask him if he's interested in being friends with benefits. If no, OLD - you can specify what you're looking for - no strings, fun, soulmate, whatever.