An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

[LemonDrizzle]

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

Just came back on to say I'll back off and let hub2dee do all the talking as his advice is great - but see I've been beaten to it

BTW, LemonDrizzle, be assured that what you seek / demand from a relationship is not impossible to achieve, and FWIW, I respect you demanding this.

my two closet friends snort coke when they drinking which i disagree with it as ive only ever tried pot, but one of my friend last time snort coke was Xmas just gone, now she is pg and she doesnt know how far she is as she is either 4.5/ 5 or 6 months pg - lets hope she is not 5 - 6 months as if she is, she had been snorting coke when she was 1- 2 months pg but she didnt know she was pg till after xmas.... im hoping to God that the baba is ok.. she went for a 5 months scan yesterday but still not heard from her

Realistically dd's father finding out is v unlikely and he is much worse. He would drag me through the courts and try and leave me ruined however he already has a police record for harassing me uses drugs and drinks to excess. I would ruin him in the process of him ruining me but it's not a fight I wish to provoke or endure.

I agree with all that you have said. Everybody who has posted has given great advice/understanding/strong opinions you have all been fab.

And I have cracked, I'm afraid. I can feel my eyes beginning to burn. Back to work for me for a while. I will return later.

My partner did Coke a few years ago and I didn't realise at first til, I found some in his pocket.
He started snorting it as an escape and to keep him awake with very demanding work loads. He would stay awake for days and the stress would build up. It destroyed me and Ifelt totally out of my depth and couldn't talk to anyone.
He some how did eventually get out of the addiction, had one or two relapses and I would be furious and ashamed of him at the time.
He is free of it now, but I worry constantly as he is still in that work. Although it has eased off more now.
To this day, Cocaine use makes me see red.
I reminds me of the old days and it so nearly destroyed our relationship.
All I know now is if it came back into his life then I would leave.

No actually! I would kick him out.

There's nothing to fear in cracking, nor crying. These are major decisions you're making, and it's not at all easy.

Focus on your work for today, and get your head together tonight (preferably alone I'd suggest, after dd is in bed), and after a good sleep (preferably alone I'd suggest again, even if this is unusual for your and dp). You may well wake up with a decision about how you'd like your life to be wrt this tomorrow morning, and if you remain undecided you can begin negotiation with dp.

This would also give dp a chance to have a think too and figure out how cold his bed is alone, and without dd snoring away close by.

Lemondrizzle, I hope you're ok. Sorry if you're having a bad time generally and this is proving to be the straw that broke the camel's back. You say it's not in your house but can you honestly say, definitely, 100%, that your dp has never had a wrap in his pocket/jacket while in your house? Are you sure? Is he? It so wouldn't be worth it.

Good posts from h2d.

good luck, lemondrizzle - lots of excellent, calm advice here. In your shoes, I'd take time to decide what to do and talk it through a lot with dp. It's a very dificult situation to be in and answers may not happen instantly. Agree with others that a vengeful ex in the background, puts a different spin on things.

Just read all this LD - you have had some excellent advice on here

Wishing you the strength to determine what kind of a future you wish to lead and to lobby your DP to share your vision

Hub2dee - what a darling you are - absolutely fantastic posts on here! What a wonderful resource and support you have been to LD in reaching a terribly complex decision

Just spoke to my best friend, she rang me and I sudddenly realised I didn't really want to talk to her. I felt really angry towards her.

LD, I know I have come down harsh, and I make no apologies for it, but I just wanted you to know that I understand completely what a horrible situation you are in. I don't know what advice to give you, but you do seem sensible and i'm sure you will do the right thing in the long run.

I know how it feels when you don't want to talk to your friends anymore.

it's very sad. and the friendship group is quite tight. turn on one and lose them all.

A rather chessey (but very tall) American life coach called Tony Robbins said something like 'it is in our moments of decision that we shape our destiny'. (Please correct me if I'm wrong any Robbins fans !)

You are formulating your decision. Expect it, and the fall out, to be tough. It's not like whether you get the Renault Scenic in blue or silver grey...

You say you that if you turn on one you would expect to "lose them all" if you were to tell a friend in this tight group that you have a problem with your dp's coke habit (and perhaps by implication with her / her partner's habit) they might socially / emotionally isolate you.....

What if we turn this around ? How would you expect them to behave if your dp announced to the circle of friends he was going 100% clean 100% of the time ? Would they say "your loss, Mr. Drizz ! Charlie is where it's at ! But we can understand and respect your decision and let's get together only for the natural highs of great time spent with great mates. Want to do a picnic on Saturday on that hill ?' Or would they go 'Mr. Drizz... she's taken away the sparkle from you. You're boring and worthless and sod off cos we know where it's at."

True friends would only react in one way.

Perhaps your strength can help many of them get their shit together ?

I found I actually made more friends when my partner and I cut ourselves off from the drug scene. It seemed to kick some of our friends into reality for a start, also I hunted down some old school friends I had lost touch with. It was easier to make friends when I didn't have to lie about why my partner was in such a state at the weekend.

It helps that some of the girls I work with have children, so I can keep in touch with them, and one of them has become a close friend.

When you hang around with people who take drugs, you tend to think nearly everone does it.
But actually there are a lot more people who don't take drugs, and they're not all boring sods! I see people on drugs now and they bore me sick, they are repetive, strapped for cash, often lazy or irritatingly hyper, and don't mix too well with the rest of the world.

You sound interesting enough to talk to, I'm sure you will make more friends, and they will be more interesting friends.

soap/sober/www/LD. Thank you for saying thanks / wise words... on MN you never really know if you're gonna strike gold or p*ss everyone off. I'm glad I could offer some help.

So right, hub2dee! As I said, I made the decision to stay out of the country as it was really the only way I knew I could stay sober, and I desperately didn't want to be a slave to booze anymore.

But my two real friends saw that, respected that, and we're still great pals.

When I was alone, and didn't know anyone, I thought, 'At least I'm not a slave to booze anymore.' It was my one comfort for a while, but it was more than enough to wake up with a clear head in a clean, warm bed and remember exactly what happened the night before.

And you know what? I made new friends! Really wonderful ones, too, and continue to do so.

Nothing beats waking up on a weekend morning with feeling great.

You are all stars. I've text him asking if he wants to read the rest tonight and did it make him think at all.

He said that it has given him lots to think about. I think I will give him this to read tonight again.

I just spoke to his sister (she texted me about 5 mins after spoke to best friend, we are all best friends). Think best Friend might have told her I sounded weird as unusual for her to text me during day while I'm at work. Anyway ended up accidently off loading.

Shall I add the texts?

May be best to keep txts private, and just show him your mobile, and schedule time for some serious 'chat 'n hug'...

The thread is only part of it... it will be your interest in a drug-free partner / possible daddy to be, and his reaction to that 'requirement' that is most relevant.

Whilst you're both sat at the negotiation table, I'd set down the desired behaviour and clarify what you're allowed / not allowed to do wrt checking up on him, going through his things, being a suspicious thingy, cutting off friends / dealers etc. because you want that kind of thing - presuming it is reasonable (ie. you have a specific suspicion he's gone off and scored some drugs / taken some at a party etc.) to be an 'agreed acceptable behaviour' IYSWIM.

He will possinly need a shed load of help through some difficult changes in behaviour and social network. For a long time.

hmmm I can't believe I was considering adding the texts on here. I am losing the plot.

I think it's about time I returned to my real name.

Thank you all for my help. I will update you with any outcome resolution.

Thank you again for all your help, I hope you don't think I've just started this and I'm abandoning it/not excepting the advice etc that's not what it ias by any means.

I'm not sure, at the moment, what else I can write down. I don't know what else there is to say, I think it's up to him now.

If he doesn't talk/decide then he has implicitly made the decision.

Maybe they'll be an update tomorrow or in a week, maybe not. I think I am clear in my mind what I can tolerate and what I can't now.

thanks again x

Take care LD and hope something good happens soon hun xx

Well dp has agreed to only use when we have big nights out (club wise)

He has promised to say no if offered any when we are out locally. When I challenged him as to what he owuld do if I wasn't there he said he would still not do any and that he would stop going to y's house if I wasn't there if they were all using.

He says he will stop going out to y's house after the pub if I want him to - I'm still contemplating this.

He has promised to always tell me when he is using and how much he's had.

He has promised no more lies.

I have made it quite clear that if I catch him lying about anything suspicious there will be no discusion. That will be it, it will be over. I have told him that I won't eve reurn his calls so he won't have a chance to promise me it won't happen again (he knows I will carry out this threat too)

Finger crosseds eh...

Good luck with this. I hope it all goes well for you (HUG)

Blimey, not much Lemon in that post, Drizzle.

I'd be quite clear about your 'big night' definition lest a night out which wasn't 'big' got 'super-sized' according to dp IYSWIM.

This might also sound rather draconian, but incase it becomes a 'your word against mine,' I'd line up a facility for urine testing, or order a few kits (I expect they're not v. pricey, hope I'm not wrong). Sounds crazy perhaps, but if the test wa definitive it might solve many days of rowing / upset etc.

Maybe when you're comfortable with the level of control and use, you can go for 100% if you feel that is what you want / need.

Hope 'spreading the word' to the other users in your / his social circle also goes well... doubtless it will be easier for him if others also start thinking it's a stupid thing to do and attempt to modify their use...

Best of luck. X

wow drug testing in the home! Hope that won´t make him feel too controlled... your dp and your own call re testing of course though.

All the best from paps X