An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

[LemonDrizzle]

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

wow! was my response to that too!

Good luck Drizzle!

I'm not suggesting it is part of routine life chez Drizzle, but as an ultimate 'did you or didn't you' it works better than an imperfect 'gut reaction' IMHO.... esp. if drug use typically involves all sorts of lies.

I don't think I could bring myself to test him. I think if I really think he's lied to me that'll be it.

No trust, no relationship. Tonight will be interesting, he's out tonight alone, locally...

Really hoping you two manage to work stuff out.

thank you both. Have been very moved by the amount of support people have shown on here. Even those with strong opinions.

I hope we work it out too.

He did offer to stop completely but I fear if I ask that of him straighht away he may lie and force me to finish it. Is that a bad sign? I can't decide in my mind.

My post is probably a bit irrelevant after all that but might as well throw it in the hat anyway.
My dp would do coke when he goes out on big sessions with his mates but has equally gone for a year or more without it, depending on where we live and social life etc. I never really felt bothered by it really - I did a bit of dabbling when I was younger but don't do any drugs now even though I enjoy a drink but that depends on occasion also.
I feel ridiculously tolerant towards him after reading this thread now! He tells me what he's been up to but often I wouldn't even think to ask, if it's been a big night out I presume there's been a bit of coke going on and there's plenty of times he can't be bothered - he'll just have a drink. The thing is nearly everyone I know is like this, there must be serious riff raff in my life LOL! I knew dp liked a party when I met him but that's not all there is to him and he loves home life too. He got very wrapped up in coke years ago and got a pain in his arse and went travelling, now he's around his mates again yes it's very available but he doesn't go mad. I suppose I could very likely be very naive and be sobbing into soup in a couple of years but I don't think I could handle the responsibility of trying to control him. Ok if he'd just started after we met, maybe. He's never hidden it when he could have - I never would have found out but it's not an issue really so he would add it to the general report of the night if it came up. Mmm I dunno, I thought there would be more people in that kinda situation, I feel like we're a couple of deviants now!

You deviant, you.

Bubblegirl, I think at the end of the day it is a personal choice, determined by many different things. If you're happy with the situation, you live your life and take your risks. Probably your position would change if the usage became more regular, or had major financial implications, or began to change dp's behaviour in a major way etc.

An interesting contrast though.

Yep that's true if it was getting in my way I'd be annoyed alright, I suppose I must have a certain limit etched in my head where I'll allow things go and he's unknowingly toeing the line I guess. Time'll tell! I get more peed off about having to put up with hangovers if they're too often, because you lose a night when he's out and then are expected to lose a day to a hangover too! I always make sure to steam ahead with any plans I have for him for the day so he realises there's no time off for self-inflicted suffering! it doesn't always work though, lol

... he plays, he pays.

Hi, I just felt I wanted to come back an give nayone hwo may be interested an update on the situation.

DP is being very very good and is working very hard to try and rebuild my trust in him. The weekend passed us with no arguements and no feelings (from me) that I had to check up on him. It was as good as I could have possibly hoped for under the current circumstances.

Friday night he went out as usual, I stayed in. He came in at 12:45 (early for him) and told me that he had left before anyone else because he wanted to come home and show me that he's trying. Told me that my best friends bf had offered him a pill and he said no (am furious as I have asked them enough times not to involve him) I'm so pleased he felt able to tell me that. He also told me that he had seen his ex in one of the places they'd been so that also made me feel like he is trying to build my trust back up. He know's how important it is to me that he tells me stuff liket his but I feel this is the first time he has ever volunteered the information!!! it really gave me hope and optimism

On Saturday night we were going clubbing for a friends birthday, he told me he might take a pill (this would not break our tentative agreement). I said that although I didn't really like it I wouldn't say anything, he told me that he would take one out with him. He did that one and he told/asked me before he took it.

When we got home we talked a lot and he has agreed to be completely clean for 6 weeks then see how he feels (as suggested by one of you lovely guys). So another step forward in my eyes.

On Sunday he come home at 8:30 instead of closing time which again was nice. He obviously hadn't taken anything then either.

Yesterday evening he came round straight after work (unheard of as he nearly always has a couple of pints), he played with dd for a bit and helped me make a big fuss of her for using the toilet, read her a bedtime story then strimmed my jungle of a back garden then mowed it whilst I cooked a roast (was like being a proper family and dd's never had that before).

You can probably tell that I am feeling very positive about it at the moment and I do believe he is trying harder than I ever expected him to. If we can continue like this I know it will work. If this is just a 'till next weekend effort' then perhaps it won't but I can't spend all the good times worrying about the potential bad time ahead, can I? I don't think I should either really.

I am concentrating on making him feel like his efforts are recognised (and rewarded if you like) by telling him so and giving him lots of love and affection.

I hope you don't think I'm fooling myself, I don't think I am. It could possibly get worse before it gets better so to speak but perhaps that was our worse and this is the beginning of the better.

Thanks if you read this far. I hope that I don't have to come back to this thread for the wrong reasons. You guys have helped us so much.

Gosh, so long - sorry!

How odd, I was just this minute thinking about you lemondrizzle and wondering how you are, so I'll read your update with interest.

Oh that's all really good positive stuff, fab news and I hope it continues.

I think you've got a gud 'un there!

I'm really happy to have read your post, Drizz.

Don't think that it could just be a bit of 'good time' in a possibly more murky future... (although that's very pragmatic, for want of a better word). Live in the moment, and if he's making a transformation just carrying on being supportive, and appreciative, and affectionate (ahem, in its broadest sense).

I'd even go so far as suggesting you give dp extra responsibilities. Allow him to prove to you he's man enough to really help parent dd and assume his share in your life together (doing the grass at the place he goes to each night, is a nice example), and I'm sure he will rise to the challenge.

It sounds like there's been a big 'click' in his head and he's seeing how fantastic it can feel to be in a sorted relationship and how great it is to have your dd around - to receive his love and attention, and to give back to him the magical love that comes from a child.

I wish you both the very best of luck in working out a way forward together. I am optimistic !

LD

Delighted for you

LGJ

found half a pill in his pocket after he came home at 4am from the pub on Sunday night(bh Monday morning). He maintains that it must have been left there from weeks ago but I'm heartbroken, I feel like he's lying. I can't tell if he is or not anymore. We didn't argue or anything.

I feel like telling him I want a break for a week or so to get my head sorted out but I feel like that would mess dd around if I then got back with him.

And also what if he is telling me the truth, what if it had been in his pocket for weeks. I'll make him feel like there's no point in been honest because I don't believe him anyway.

What a mess!

(does anyone remember what-a-mess?)

Hi Lemondrizzle,

This man is a cocaine addict; there's no way he will be able to come off this himself. If he does not think that he has a problem then no one, not even you, can help him. You may have to consider the possibility that he may not want to give this up at all and you cannot save someone who may not want to be saved. He will have to lose absolutely everything and hit rock bottom. Even then he may continue to use. A person I know who used cocaine has ended up losing his job, his family and is now in a pyschiatric unit.

Where's the money for this coming from?. He is spending money on this drug that could be used instead on his family - you and DD. Many thousands of pounds of cocaine has gone up his nose.

It will mess with both yours and DD's heads if you do not do something decisive and you take control of things. Your DD is learning from both of you; you are her primary influences. Growing up with a drug addicted dad is going to be no fun for her at all.

Hi MU, all the answers to your questions are in the thread. I know it's a bit long.

I thought we'd turned a corner. Now I don't know if we have or not... and if we have and I don't see it then my inability to recognise it is going to slam us straight into reverse again.

LemonDrizzle - if there's any chance he's telling the truth, ask him to go through all his clothes to make sure there aren't any more surprises.

how will I know though?!? his clothes are all at his house.

I know him and I know his mum and I doubt very much that they would have remained unwashed for weeks which I guess is why I have dragged this up again.

Did he look like he had taken e? Am assuming that was what the pill was.

What I meant was - if you ask him to check all his clothes for drugs, then he can't say in the future, 'oh, that was from weeks ago', can he?

No he didn't lou.. but then something inside me did make me go through his pockets the minute he fell asleep. I haven't done than for a good couple of weeks now as I haven't been worried