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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

301 replies

LemonDrizzle · 04/05/2005 13:53

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

OP posts:
snafu · 05/05/2005 10:59

Aaaah, excellent, Stuart. A choice of either the head-in-the-sand approach or the shrewish nag who's only got herself to blame for any arguments...

LD. I completely sympathise. Unfortunately I don't know what the answer is. I don't think your dp's response to this thread was entirely negative if that's any help.

hub2dee · 05/05/2005 11:07

StuartC, "His habit is not causing you any problem other than you don't like this one aspect about him." - it's not like picking your nose and eating it, or leaving pants in a pile by the bed, or groping the arse of a sister in law when tipsy (before you get concerned, I'm not accusing you of this, nor admitting them myself... artistic licence and all)...

It's an illegal drug habit that sounds like it does give LD cause for concern. She is worried it may affect their relationship, that one day dp might expose dd to it, that it might jeopardise the viability of their plan to build a house and live together, and that it bodes badly for the honesty in other aspects of their relationship etc.

Yes, her dp "only lied to her to prevent her getting cross (if she didn't get cross, he wouldn't have to lie)" [sic] but that does not make it acceptable. He should tell the truth because he is in an adult relationship based on communication and mutual respect. Even if this angers Drizzle or causes her to get cross. She is entitled to her reaction.

I'm glad you "cherish your freedom" [sic] and that you value the fact that "Nobody will ever again tell you what to do" [sic] you seem to value fredom above all else, which I think may fail to grasp that we are free only so long as our actions do not damage those around us. Drizzle could have been sobbing on the end of her bed this morning, partly because of this, and I'd suggest her dp's liberty to self-medicate is having an impact on those around him. Negatively. Sadly, this has a repercussion on his possible 'freedom'. Of course, he is entitled to value that above his relattionship with Drizzle and her child. In which case, he'll end up on his tod.

hub2dee · 05/05/2005 11:10

"...on his possible freedom [whilst in a relationship with Drizz]"

StuartC · 05/05/2005 11:19

LD - I don't know whether I'd lie in the circumstances. Probably not - it's not really in my nature. But if giving the truth always resulted in earache, I'd be tempted.

Hub2dee - LD is asking other people for opinions about the situation and also about her reaction to it. My view is that the situation is less of a problem than she currently judges it to be. I think the concern is her reaction, not the cocaine-taking itself.

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 05/05/2005 11:21

I just think trust and communication are the key to a relationship. If you don't have trust (which I don't at the moment) what have you got.

H2D your input and comments have been particularly userful throughout this thread - thank you.

Thankyou to everyone else also, I know there is not an answer in this thread but there is lots of valid point, useful info, ideas of how to come to some sort of resolution. This is helping me so much and I think it is also clarifying things in my mind, making me look at my own behaviours as well as his and finally start answering all those questions in my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 05/05/2005 11:22

concern about my reaction??!?!?! wtf! I think I have been particualrly calm about all of this.

OP posts:
colditz · 05/05/2005 11:24

As for lying so "you don't get cross", that is a way of saying "If you challange me at all on this, I will lie and it will be your fault for asking me."

It's an excuse. It is a way of making you responsible for his actions. It is a way of preventing you from challenging his behaviour. It may turn into a way of justifying his behavior ("I needed it, you were making me stressed by nagging me").

I really think you need to take a strong line on this one, Lemondrizzle. While you are turning a blind eye to this, he will see it as condoning it.

by the way, I am not a middle class DM reader who fully intends to have you in the stocks by dawn. I was in an almost identical situation myself 2 years ago, but luckily I was able to put a stop to the illegal activity after my partner got arrested while I was 8 months pregnant.

My flat got searched, hands going through my precious baby clothes, my underwear drawer rifled through, my partner's name in the paper and everyone knowing what had happened before I did.

And believe it or not he tried to excuse it with "I didn't tell you because I knew you would be cross!"

The amount in question here was tiny, and it was cannabis. Now imagine how the police will react to cocaine? You would be known as an associate and partner, whether he lives with you or not, and your house will be searched, which is an invasive feeling akin to being burgled.

StuartC · 05/05/2005 11:24

LD - "I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice"

bundle · 05/05/2005 11:25

"He will have to choose between coke and us before we live together. Realistically that is over 2 years away my immediate concern is that we won't last 2 years if this continues! "

lemondrizzle, you don't have to hang around for 2 years to find that out, and i think the thought-provoking posts on here have helped you to reassess what's best for you & your dd. if he wants to join you, that's up to him.

StuartC · 05/05/2005 11:28

colditz - you're absolutely right about the effects of the illegality of it.

JoolsToo · 05/05/2005 11:36

sorry - I know its not really the issue here (then again ....?), but if you know who his suppliers are shouldn't you be doing something about that (however hard)?

they're a scourge on society

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 05/05/2005 11:37

I know I don't have to hang around, I want to give him the chance to sort himself out. If he's still f*cking about when the time comes to move in then it will force me to leav no matter how much that hurts me because I will not have it in the same house as my child

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 05/05/2005 11:38

Absolutely JT, I am being completely selfish in my reasons for not doing this - they are plain and simple. If I shop them, he/his friends will get others. I will not know who these are.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 05/05/2005 11:48

There is something I have not yet dare admit to myself, here it is...

my dd's father is a very nasty piece of work, he would take no greater pleasure in life than to frag me through Courts and Social Services because of this. He would lie, manipulate - the list is endless I have no doubt in my mind that he would pull out all the stops to see me ruined and childless.

OP posts:
snafu · 05/05/2005 11:51

Is dp aware of this element, LD? Would it make a difference to him?

Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 05/05/2005 11:55

Snafu the answer is - I don't know on both counts. I will ask him tonight now I have said it on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzle · 05/05/2005 11:56

My problem is he wears rose tinted glasses (not literally)

OP posts:
koalabear · 05/05/2005 12:00

Oh LD - given the court issue (how horrible that would be), I would definitely be explaining that to DP and made sure he understood that, even though he would not intentionally cause harm, that his actions may cause you to loose your child - my thoughts would be that my child has to come first, and the relationship second in that case

Sonnet · 05/05/2005 12:10

Oh my god LD - I think that puts a different tint on it..sorry.If I were you i would give him an ultimation

StuartC · 05/05/2005 12:17

I agree.

dinosaur · 05/05/2005 12:17

LemonDrizzle, have been following this although haven't previously posted. Is it likely/possible that dd's father could find out about your partner's coke habit? If so, and if he would go to such lengths to get at you, I'd be very scared if I was in your shoes - realistically I don't think you have the option to carry on having anything to do with him, do you? I don't want to be alarmist, but IO'd rather do anything than run the risk of losing my children.

WideWebWitch · 05/05/2005 12:22

Sorry LD but I think the post about your dd's father changes things too. You cannot afford to have this used against you given that you already have concerns/don't like it. OK, I think the choice your dp ought to face is you or coke actually in these circumstances.

hub2dee · 05/05/2005 12:25

Hi Drizz (and thanks for acknowledging my posts. Also Easy and expat I think)...

I think at the end of the day, there are certain 'associated risks' with dp and his drug use. You know, more than anyone, the specific downsides / risks / implications on life in the village, wider family etc. etc. Now, he (and StuartC) may be right in suggesting that it is under control, nothing would ever happen, it is his libertarian right, he wouldn't do it in your house or with dd etc. etc. and it might be possible to continue like this ad infinitum....

....However, that doesn't sound feasible for several reasons: 1) kids age, and dd will one day click / be told / old enough to understand 2) There is a biological father on the scene who may, for his own reasons, make great efforts to screw up the house and life I imagine you've worked hard to create for the two (three ?) of you and 3) stats / peoples' experience tends to indicate drug use (part. Class A) escalates until it is out of hand.

From the sounds of it, and ignoring anything else in your life which is causing you anguish for a moment, these three factors conspire to mean it is not possible for you to accept ongoing drug use in your partner or in a daddy-figure for your growing daughter.

Dp can choose to read this and think 'sod her' (and her weirdo MN chums ) I'm gonna do what I want and I enjoy the coke so I won't stop and she'll have to put up, shut up or remove herself and mini Drizz from my heart and my life, or he can think 'silly cow' I'm gonna have to stop what I consider to be an innocent, stimulating activity because she doesn't understand it and won't tolerate it which upsets me a bit, but I can see her point, and her happiness, and that of my gf's daughter is more important to me than the magic high I get in my free time with Charlie.

If he thinks the first, he's addicted (and if he maintains he's not then he doesn't value you or your dd enough to change, so he should pack his bags and allow you the freedom to live your life in safety and maybe find Normal Man Mr Right). If he thinks the second, and can kick the habit, he's got a tough time ahead of him modifying his behaviour, managing his network of contacts / friends and growing into Normal Man Mr Right possible Father to the Mini Drizz.

franch · 05/05/2005 12:26

Wise words h2d

Sonnet · 05/05/2005 12:27

fab post H2D - says it all IMO