An affair with Cocaine - serious so please don't add to MN Cliches!

[LemonDrizzle]

Yes I've changed my name, not because I don't want you to know who I am. It is quite easy to guess who I am from other threads. I'm not hiding but for obvious reasons I don't necessarily want this directly related back to me forever more. I know some of you will know what my other name is but please don't out me directly on this thread.

so over is the preword; on with the show

DP uses it recreationally. I can't stand the fact, it drives me mad but we came to a compromise because he is fantastic except for this (I honestly can not fault him other than this). I have tried to ignore it and under the conditions of the compromise it works. He is very affectionate and loving an honest when he is using.

It bothers me so much but for as long as he was telling me when and how much I could cope with it, even though I didn't like it.

Lately he has started lying to me about it, he says this is because I will get cross. Well yes I will but I'd still rather he be honest with me.

I blew up at the weekend told him as he had started lying I thought he had a problem. He said but I wasn't out with him that night and he only lied because he knew I'd be pissed off (he's right) what does it really matter.

Now, we are both very laid back people. Leaving him would absolutely be the last resort. What should I do? He hasn't offered to knock it on the head completely. I feel like it will drive us apart if he continues using. He says coke isn't more important than me but I feel if he says he is going to stop then he will just lie to me about doing it. I'd rather know the truth however bad than be lied to.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes and your dp/dh used it? what would you do? Just interested, I really don't want to leave him but wonder if I have no choice.

I am considering showing him this thread to show him other mums reactions.

sorry this is a ramble/rant whatever. Not sure it even makes sense but perhaps can unravel it a bit more through the thread. I dunno. Just interested in seeing what the general consensus is. Perhaps I'm unreasonable and old before my time, perhaps I am a killjoy. I don't know. Thoughts/input/opinions/rants/disapproval/approval/questions whatever enything please!

Oh, one more thing - I find lots of people have a hard time with moderation in substance use. Even DH, who is totally not inclined towards addiction, didn't used to be good at sticking to two pints a night, say. You have the two pints (two lines, whatever), and your self-control is eroded enough that you have more, and more. Taking a break is in some ways easier, as it's absolute.

NQC I would be very pleased if he agreed to stop completely for a month and then see how he felt.

Drizz, I think it's good you were able to talk about it with him. It's opened the door to an ongoing conversation and a negotiation about the drug use.

If his offer is 'allow me to do it at x y z events' and you feel this is unacceptable (which I think you do, and the vast majority of people on this thread do, even if they're not shoving it down your throat), then it is up to you how you choose to handle it.

You could accept this condition, and hope it never gets out of hand, that he doesn't get a criminal record, that it never affects your dd and carry on. Or you could say that you appreciate his effort and offer, but sadly you are seeking a zero use partner (for you AND dd), communicate why this is so important to you, and then be brave enough to act on it if this is indeed your position.

Given the choice between my dp and her dd, and some fun at some parties, even if I thought she was wrong, I'd side with the human rather than chemical relationship. I suggest Mr. Drizz does the same and find other avenues for self-exploration and transcendental experiences, or whatever feelings of belonging etc. etc. the drug use gives him.

I suggest you start moving in different circles and distance both of you from some of the less beneficial elements in your lives. I'd guess your (and his) drug using friends will need to make their own decisions in their own time. If he's not prepared to move with the times, so to speak, you'd be better off without him.

NQC,
Too right about being able to moderate oneself. I was like this with smoking. I was on a pack a day until I fell pregnant w/DD. Luckily, I was nauseous from the get-go and went right off them. Taking a 9 month break, I was able to wean off them.

I think the hardest part is that you have to make a lifestyle choice NOT to be around situations that will tempt you. And yes, that means staying away from the pub, the club, etc. for a while. I'm sure it's possible to overcome a substance problem w/o doing this, but as someone who was addicted I can't say I'd have been very successful at that.

Well, it's certainly worth suggesting, if he's looking forward to a way to proove he's got it under control.

I'm afraid the only time I got someone else to do this (an ex-bf, with booze), he went seriously berzerk after the month was up. So it didn't help him cut down, but it did make very clear to me that he was an alcoholic.

Very good response, hub2dee

Couldn't agree more, hub.

Hmm, when I dropped booze for a month, I still went to all my usual events, hung out with my usual (fairly drunken) friends.

But then, I was 19 or so, and that sort of environment was normal, really. And I had no intention of giving up booze.

You're right, though, expat, if he wants to cut down or stop, it will be easier if he stops hanging out in circles where everyone is doing coke. Substance abuse is such a social thing, for most people.

BTW - you sound far too intelligent for all this crap. Really.

Ref: "I can't yell at him

"What do you think it will do to your/our daughter"

I can't use her as leverage."

You wouldn't be using her as leverage. You are the mamma lioness looking after her cubs. And no one fucks with the cubs.

That's not leverage. It's your stated factual position...

"this IS NOT in MY house.

This IS NOT around my dd "

Those are your rules.

If he wants to play, if he wants to stay, those are your rules.

I am very fed up today. I just feel like I've had enough. I don't need this stress. Really I don't. I got up for work this morning and could have quite easily just sat on the edge of the bed and cried. This is not entirely related to this problem but I have so much other stuff going on at work etc and I could just do without this (unecessary in my eyes) stress

have a meeting to go to now.

Lemon, You have to tell that to your DP, just as you have told us.

Get through your meeting, and come back and post later if it helps. If there's other stuff you want to spill and tell, this is as good a place as any. There'll be folks around.

NQC,
I was a 31-year-old alcoholic. I made the decision to stay away from an entire country in order to keep sober. For me, there was no other way. I started drinking recreationally at 15, and by 30 had becoming an extremely high-functioning substance abuser. As with most users, I naturally attracted and hung around with other, high-functioning substance abusers. After all, if you're dating a heroin-using neurosurgeon or cokehead solicitor, he doesn't have much of a right to say, 'Honey, I think you drink too much.'

Great! the phone line for the meeting is broken, the girl taking the minute just phoned and asked what to do. I said I'd try and find out if others could get on, notify people in case they're waiting around and try and get it fixed or get another, she said well I don't mind doing it... FGS do it then, why couldn't she have thought that logical process through herself? Do some people have no common sense?

Obviously I kept my mouth shut but it makes me relaise that I am so strung out. I've no patience with anyone at the minute.

i totaly understand where you are comming from, my dp started using coke about 4 years ago, it only ever used to be pay day when he was going out ect. for a few years it wasnt a issue then it would be a case where majority of his wadges would go on it and he would regrett it in the mornining and vow it wouldnt happen again.then next pay day it would happen again and agian. untill it was the norm! lots of things happened in his personal family life and it became that he relied upon it, when most of his friends would have a night out then go to bed he needed more and would sit up untill all hours, getting paranoid by himself!

then his wadges wernt enough, he would be chuckied up left right and center and borrowing money hand over fist.to cut a long story short he ended up mortal drunk one night needeing coke so drove his his car to get some crashed through some poor persons garden wall. no one was hurt he was lucky to be alive, when he was waiting for the case to come to court he new he was gona go to priosn and then there was no reason to give up coke only more reason to take it too forget. by the time the court case dragged on the worse he got by this time demanding money of parents and me smashing things up if we wouldnt give it etc.(sounds just like a heroine addict or crack head, but remember he did only snort it) he went to prison and it was the best thing that ever happened.the shock he needed to realised his actions had consiqences on everyone me his dd his family.

in prison he did rehab, at first baceause he thought he would get out earlier, then i think he realised he needed it, he used coke at first for enjoyment then as a coping stratedgey.

well done if oyur still reading!

the trouble with coke is its seen as the "cleen drug" if your dp was using heroine "dirty drug" this thread would be completly different.after your first line you will NEVER get any higher, trouble is because it is so adictive your need for more and more and more just keeps getting stronger.coke IS addictive and i challange anyone to say it isnt. when coke and drink are mixed together they are a lethal mixture to the brain and equally addictive as heroine but the trouble is there is no antidote like methadone and sometimes will power is just not enough. everytime you take coke it burns out certain parts of your bain and causes long term damage not much reasurch has been done in to this but it is getting done. DEATH by cocaine is the fastest growning drug related cause of death.people think you cant od of coke but you can it causes vomiting and obvistly if you are also drunk choking in your sleep is very common. also heart attacks are a real threat. unfortunatly like many other types of drug takers they wont give up for you your children or anyone no matter how many guilt trips you place on them they will only give up when they are ready and for them selfs.every drug taker is looking for a high either to hide from a underlying issue or for some other reason trouble is only the user knows this and why they use.

My partner is a recovering alcoholic(14 yrs)When we met he was still drinking and I thought he was ok as I liked a drink myself tbh but things slowly came to light and the true extent of why he drank was at the root of it.Your dp may not feel he can enjoy/function socially without coke and that is hard to admit Since my dp got clean I find him much more interesting/sexy than I ever did when he drank and he often says he thought people(me)might find the real him boring but it has turned out quite the reverse and his major life change has influenced a lot of his friends too He did cut all ties with his heavy drinking friends for the 1st few yrs although if/when he sees them now he finds them quite sad but doesn't need to avoid them.Why not go out together one night completely without anything you may enjoy it

Ld - read all this thread and am totally sympathetic to your plight.
After reading a post where you explained that y pu live and work in the village, your families and friends do too so no options to move away, a thought popped into my mind and I am interested in what your take on it is:

Your daughter is growing up in this village, will go to school in this village, will make friends in this village - how will you feel when she is older and coming into contact with drugs in this village?

I am totally niave about drugs and maybe they are more widespread than I realise, or is it almost "accepeable" to take drugs in your village?

I lived in a small village in Cornwall for a while whilst in my early 20's and was astounded by the amount of drugs circulating around. - just wondered if this was a similar situation??

sonnet - this is a concern on mine

LD

you seem to me to be faced by a lot of brickwalls!

Just on your other point, I think drugs are widespread in most villages these days.

You don't own your dp. He is a free adult. His habit is not causing you any problem other than you don't like this one aspect about him. He has only lied to you to prevent you getting cross (if you didn't get cross, he wouldn't have to lie). There's no moods, no violence, no waste of your money, no lost days. He does seem to only use the drug recreationally - and to have that under control.
I don't see the problem. If you don't like it, don't indulge. If you want to know how much he uses, don't go mad at him when he tells you. If you don't want to know, don't ask.
It is illegal of course, and that's a risk he takes.
Now that I'm a dp and not a dh (as I have been a couple of times) I cherish the freedom. Nobody will ever again tell me what to do. That doesn't mean I don't listen to my dp - but I won't give up my freedoms for her or anyone. And I don't expect her to give up hers for me.

Stuart, I do want to know because I don't want him to hide it from me and I need to know how much he is using.

Secondly, I can't ignore it, I try but it bothers me that much that I can not just think 'oh well up to him'

What about the future? what about the lies?

If he;s lying about 1 thing, what about everything else?

StuartC using class A drugs is not a freedom, it's a crime.

well done stuart v constructive-not!