SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hi Tilly, I hope you managed to sleep ok. I used to find it hard to sleep too. I would wake up with my mind racing and eventually fall asleep in the early hours and then wake exhausted. What someone suggested to me to try was a gratitude list. I remember thinking; " Ya right ...I have soo much to be grateful for!" BUT when I went through my list I did have a lot, and I found if I listed them off to myself I slept quicker and better. It sounds a bit mad but it worked for me. The other thing that helped me through a crisis was to tell myself that "This too shall pass" During particularly bad times I sometimes turned the "this" round to "shit"!!!! It's very hard to stay positive in the face of so many problems so try and stay in each day and deal with what it brings. If you think too far ahead, you will be overwhelmed, but step-by-step you will get through this. I would ignore dh re the solicitors btw as you will need sound legal advice for your divorce. I hope you won't be offended if I say a little prayer for you and your family (I don't know what your beliefs are so think of it as sending you positive thoughts.) Have a good day today.xx

Hi Tilly. As a dd of an alcoholic too I can sympathise with your dd so much.
In my case I was 16 when my parents divorced and although I was upset I can remember how lovely and calm the house was after my Dad left and I wished they had done it sooner.
His drinking ruined my childhood (and made me a very screwed up adult too ), he almost destroyed my Mum and the only reason she didn't leave him sooner was because she couldn't bear it if we blamed her for splitting up the family and taking our pisshead Dad away.
It took me till I was in my 30's to understand his alcoholism and its effects so there is no way a young child can get their head around it all.
So now I'm rambling on but what I wanted to get across was that even if it seems like you are upsetting your dd by divorcing him, in the long run it will save her a lot of heartache.

Tilly, it's a hard time you are going through, but yes, it will pass. You are doing the right thing by your DC and by you - if it helps, you are also doing the right thing by your DH... this may be the wake up call he needs, or it may not. Don't get too focused on that, just remember that whatever the outcome, it'll be a much better one than living in the nightmare.

I understand the trouble with the DC. Mine DS is only 3 and got more proficient at detaching from DH than I ever did, clever boy! Even nowadays, if DH is not 100%, DS will ask me if daddy is "poorly", i.e. has he been drinking? DS now has to come to terms that people will have ups and downs completely unrelated to drink, and that that's OK.

DH gave me on Monday a "Just for Today" card from the AA, as he thought it would also do me good. I think it could do all of us good, so here is the text:

JUST FOR TODAY

Just for today I will try to live live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of i, it will not count. I will do at least two things I do not want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurts; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Thanks Ludog

Didnt get much sleep but that was because DD was up from 3.00am with projectile vomitting and the runs! She is now asleep in bed and it is an ill wind that blows nobody any good as I have been forced to take a day off as I clearly can't take her over to my Mum and Dads as I would normally do. So, all is quite calm here. I am pottering around actually managing to do some tidying/cleaning which the house sorely needs and I have done bits of work too (phone calls/emails etc. - I have one of these Blueberry things - as my DD calls it - and it is a pain a lot of the time but has been useful today as I have managed to get through a backlog of stuff). I have been struggling into work this week and feeling wretched about not doing my job properly so today is a rest in a way.

My partner has texted me to say he is, after all, taking proper legal advice and I am pleased about that. Then everything can be clear and fair. Ironically I have spent the last ten years or so begging him to stop drinking and trying to get him to stand on his own two feet and he seems to be doing it now that I have asked for a divorce - typical! I am waiting for a call from my solicitor as well and it will be good to speak to her in the comfort of my own home rather than furtively at work and then having to cover up the fact that I have been crying. The bad news is that he is insisting that he is coming back tomorrow and that, as he will be homeless otherwise, he needs to stay at our home until he sorts himself out with a flat. I had asked him to stay away voluntarily but he is so wrapped up in what is right for him - and his parents can't have him any more apparently and his sister wont.... We will have to go back over to my parents which in a way is OK as I will then be more on hand to look after my Mum. He promises that he will be out asap and yes I know that his track record on keeping promises is not good but I think I could then get him legally out of the house if he dug his heels in. It will be disruptive for the kids tho' - the commute to school is fairly long as well.

Ludog - your advice is great and I DO have so much to be grateful for. I have two amazing children (projectile vomitting and stroppiness from my DS last night re: a misdemeanor at school notwithstanding!). I have a great family and some brilliant friends and I will have to spend a considerable amount of time thanking them when this is all over. I have a pretty stressful but very rewarding job which I used to enjoy a lot and I will get back there I know. And the sun is shining and I am going to Scandinavia next month with my DCs! Blimey - this is good! I will try and remember all this at all times - it gets overwhelming as I am sure you know and I sit and have a good sob but there is no use feeling sorry for myself. Forward is the only way...

Onwards and upwards Tilly!
Snowiebear I love the "just for today" card too! Although when I got it first I tried to do it all at once and got very frustrated!!

Echo Ludog re; JFT card - I was exactly the same!

Tilly, do CAT me re trials & tribulations of the divorce process....

My EH was stuck in the armchair in our lounge in front of the TV for 16 months, on Legal Aid, just waiting for it all to happen, Goddammit !!!
That is why I'm afraid for you and your DC's when you say you H is coming back.

Then my EH's Sol. tried to push me for mediation - what the hell use is mediation when you are trying to mediate with someone who cannot remember what happened the previous day? That was just the beginning - so I can go into all the gory details and also help you to avoid pitfalls....

Bump!

Thanks to those of you who encouraged me to go to AlAnon - just got back from my first meeting. Blubbed through a lot of it, completely out of character for me, but I think it was partly relief that after 20 odd years of this situation I've finally taken the first step to learning how to deal with it.

Others there were incredibly warm. Felt a bit put off by the "higher power" stuff, but will go back next week.

Thanks again.

Well done Boden! I'm glad it helped.
As for the higher power stuff - I was a bit about that too, but they don't push it on you and a lot of people find it helpful to believe in it.
Don't worry about crying - they are used to it. I blubbed too in my first session - its the relief of being able to say it all out loud isn't it.

Yes, I'm sure it is and I have to say I feel so much happier today than I have for a while, probably because I'm actually doing something and felt I was given permission to get on with my life.

Al Anon is not a religeous meeting, it's a spiritual meeting - The 'Higher Power' can be whatever you want it to be....don't be stressing out about that or be put off by that side of it.

Concentrate & listen to what is being shared - you will learn so much and will realise that everyone there knows exactly what you are going through as they will have experienced it too.

I'm surprised that your group doesn't have a specific welcome for newcomers that explains all that - I must admit, I was in too much of a state myself to take any notice of 'Higher Power' when I first went.

CAT me if you want to - I can send you an explanation if you like!

Boden - congrats for making it to a meeting!

Re: Higher Power, here's something that may help... it certainly helped my DH to deal with his Step 3:

"It's like the first day at school. You don't know who the Head Teacher is, you don't know what he looks like, you don't even know his name, but your are damn sure it ain't you!"

I hope everyone is OK. Have a blameless Sunday!

I love that description SnowieBear. I was a bit wary of the higher power at the start too but I have got more comfortable with it over the years. It was good, for me, to be able to sit back a bit and think that someone else was driving for once!! The thing I found worked best for me in the beginning were the slogans. My favourites still are; "Keep it simple" "This too shall pass" and "How important is it?"
Boden, I hope you keep going back. Those first few meetings are hard. The first time I tried to share at a meeting I bawled my eyes out. I felt such an idiot and didn't go back for 6 years! Now, it feels like the only safe place to cry. I love the way that other members don't "shush" me or "there, there" me. They pass me a tissue and wait for the emotion to subside. That way I don't have to bottle up my anger and sorrow and I can let it go. I have found it very helpful to do the same for my dds...just respectfully let them have their cry and sit with them.
Take care everyone. xxx

Thanks again all.

SS1 - suspect they did a newcomers bit but unfortunately I spent the first ten minutes sitting in an AA meeting so I probably missed it. Gales of laughter behind me as I ran out of the room blushing - I do like to lighten an atmosphere when I can.

I think the biggest step for me just from the first meeting was understanding that although I am not responsible for my DH's drinking, the way I respond (or don't) can affect what he does. Very interesting. He hasn't mentioned that I've been and I do intend to go again on Thursday, but he is being a bit more controlled when we're alone. Unfortunately, we've seen a lot of friends this weekend and that and drinking seem to go hand in hand. I stayed stone cold sober at a dinner party on Friday (the only one who did) and it was very interesting.

Hi Ludog & BG - Yes, I like 'this too shall pass' but the thing is about the slogans, I found that they didn't make much sense to me at the beginning....and that was when I really needed the help most of all.

I bought & read the books cover to cover because I couldn't get enough info and of course all the slogans popped up and I wondered what it was all about.

I would suggest reading all the (relevant)pamphlets first before tackling the books - I tried to run before I could walk, but don't we all when you suddenly have all this new info?!

BG - it's quite liberating when you are given the tools to effectively deal with the way you (can) change your reactions....for so long I thought that because I was the sober one, my way was the right way, little knowing that my ways were actually completely ineffective.

And I kept on 'doing what I was doing' when he was drunk & behaving badly and yet wondered why I kept 'getting what I was getting'. My EH was always in a blackout so he had no idea what I was getting so steamed up about. I would carry the argument over to the next day, and although he knew 'something had happened' because of how I was & the atmosphere, there would be no other evidence because I'd cleared it all up - the broken stuff, the vomit, etc. So he was very much 'what is your problem'? And that would be a red rag to a bull.....My Problem? My Problem? You're the one with the f.... problem, rah rah rah....you get the scene!! Then the cycle would start all over again (manic ).

Yes, I can laugh now at how mad it all was but I was so at rock bottom with not being able to change anything, and that horrible sinking feeling that it was only a matter of time before it was going to start all over again whatever I did/said/however I tried to manipulate his behaviour at social gatherings!

I found that the shares at Al Anon were absolutely invaluable - people would say 'the old me would've reacted like this but the new me reacted like that' and you could see how changing your reactions to a situation could work.

It might not work in getting your OH onto the road to sobriety but you sure as hell get your life back on track - you start helping yourself instead of trying to help/focusing all your energies on them.

thanks ss1 for directing me here. My ex continues to drink too much, and has the children over 3/14 nights. Ages, 9,6 and 4. I suspect his latest relationship has finished because he's been spotted down the local hell-hole boozer early eve, on his own. This is worrying me because I am not confident he is supervising the children enough in the mornings eg. my son went up (ex sleeps in attic room - not good for hearing -) with a nose bleed the other morning and ex told him to get some loo roll and tip his head forward , didn't even get up! Daughter (9) has been on internet unsupervised in the morning too! Also after being spotted down the pub lone drinking early eve, he was up early next day to drive my daughter to a school trip (as a parent helper ffs!)He has been a 'functioning' alcy I suppose, although I couldn't live with him! I wonder where I stand legally because although he will go crazy I don't trust him enough to just stand by while he behaves like this! I warned him today that he must supervise at all times and NOT drink when he has them or I will be straight to my solicitor. Like a couple of other posters, I have seen him get redder and puffier in the face the past few years, and his breath always reeks,and he has seriously bad shakes. I feel so bad for my eldest seeing him like that. She was always closest to him.

Hello. I've been watching this thread for a while and have been building up to telling my story. Not as shocking as some I've read here but here goes...

I've been with my DH since we were late teens. Married in our early twenties. Now in our mid thirties. Just had our first DC, 10 months old.

When we first met we were students, and like most students he was into binge drinking, but only with friends on big nights. On quiet nights in with me, he usually didn't drink. His mum had been an alcoholic and died when he was 17 (2 years before I met him). His dad died unexpectedly 2 weeks before our wedding. He had also become a very heavy drinker in the last years of his life. DH was 24 at this time and had now lost both his parents. Their early deaths were caused partly and indirectly because of their drinking.

DH began drinking every evening himself at this time (13 years ago) and became a heavy user of cannabis. The first few years of our marriage were very rocky but we somehow held it together. If I confronted him about his drinking / drug use he would be in total denial of there being a problem. After a few years he began to acknowledge that he had a problem but would just sink into depressive moods, blaming everything on his parents' behaviour / poor upbringing / parents' deaths. He is often very pessimistic and fatalist.

When we discovered I was pregnant (18 months ago) he gave up cannabis straight away (yay!). He gave up cigarettes a month before baby due (also yay!). He also promised throughout the pregnancy that he was going to stop drinking before the baby was born but he "had to deal with one thing at a time". But drinking is the hardest thing for him to stop and he still hasn't managed it. At the moment he is saying that he will "give up" on July 12th, but what he is intending to do is drink only on weekends- to him that means Fri Sat and Sun, and not drinking Mon to Thurs. I know this is very unlikely to work. He's tried it before.

He is a 'functioning' alcoholic - he holds down a job because he doesn't drink at all during the day. But he simply cannot get through the evening without it. He drinks between one and two bottles of red wine to himself every night. He sometimes has beers or spirits too. I don't drink at all any more - I've been completely put off alcohol by him.

I hate the smell of him and the look of him drunk. I hate the nasty, obnoxious attitude he often gets when drunk (he is a lovely guy sober). I hate the fact that, when I get downstairs after putting DD to bed in the evenings he is always drunk and often asleep on the sofa so we get no time for 'us' any more. I hate not being able to co-sleep with DD because he has always been drinking so it's too dangerous to have her in our bed. I hate the snoring. I hate the fact that he spends at least £70 a week on booze while our bank account is spiralling into the red. But most of all, I hate the fact that he won't stop drinking for his beautiful daughter, who he adores, and who he gave up everything else for.

I love him. I don't know if I can keep my daughter in the same house as him, or face the rest of my life married to him, if he doesn't stop.

Sorry this is really long. I can't talk to anyone else about it.

lifelaundry,

I think your story is shocking actually and there is now a child in this house that is broken as well.

He has to want to stop drinking for his own self, not his daughter or you. If he did it for those reasons it won't work. If he cannot or won't stop drinking (he is likely to be deeply in denial as well about his drink problem hence his comment re drinking on the weekend) then you have to make life changing decisions with both you and DD in mind.

The fact that he has given a date to give up (i.e July 12th and why then?) is also not good; he won't stick to it and will go back to his previous patterns of drinking. I think he is more than adept at telling you what you want to hear. If he was at all serious about stopping at the very least he would be seeking counselling to work out exactly why he is drinking to excess (i.e his childhood) and medical help of his own accord through attending AA or going into an alcohol detox clinic.

You are NOT responsible for him ultimately and I think like many women in these situations you are playing the enabler role to him. You are around and act as his crutch by holding it all together.

You need real life support as well; I would suggest you talk to Al-anon, get their literature sent to you and even try to attend one of their meetings.

Despite the many warning signs prior to you getting married you may have subconsciously thought you could somehow change him for the better; he gave up some other addictive substances after all and perhaps you naively thought that marriage and or a child would make him somehow more "responsible". Did you think thus?. Well that was a triumph of hope over experience wasn't it. This is not a healthy and or sound relationship for a child to witness at all, let alone for you to be a part of. He has moved from one addictive substance for another; he seems to have an addictive personality most likely due to his dysfunctional childhood. His alcoholism is learnt behaviour (it certainly can be learnt behaviour) in that his mother was alcoholic and his father also went onto abuse alcohol. He grew up with this and learnt this as his normality. You cannot fix him (he is not yours to fix) and you should not try to. You cannot act as someone's rescuer and or saviour in a relationship; such approaches are doomed to failure. You say you love him - what is there to love exactly about him?. Love is not enough and your resentment will build over time. You're in financial dire straits also because of his drinking.

Quite apart from what his alcoholism is doing to you, what is all this doing to your daughter as well?. Its all highly damaging for you both. What is your role to him these days?. What is she learning from him -and you about relationships?. He is clearly not a good role model for your daughter to have around. Some children of alcoholics go onto choose alcoholics themselves as partners in adulthood. Not what you want for your DD I would think. Have a look also at NACOA's website.

You need to remember the 3cs:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

There are no guarantees here. He may well go onto lose everything and still choose the drink but you are still not responsible for him.

Thanks Atilla for your detailed reply.

He has chosen July 12th because it's exactly one year since he gave up cigarettes. I agree that it's unlikely to work. Especially as he plans to keep on drinking at the weekends. In his heart of hearts, he knows his problem is bigger than that, and yes he is (most of the time) in denial. However, I am resolved to stick around for the moment.

He does want to stop for himself as well as for us. He has put on a lot of weight through his drinking and he hates his body now. He knows that he won't lose the weight if he doesn't cut out the booze. He also says with regularity that he doesn't want to end up like his parents.

He has in recent months mentioned the idea of counselling / support once or twice. But he is terrified of actually making that step, or even admitting it's absolute necessity. I think his mentioning it is some progress though. Perhaps I'm being over optimistic, I don't know.

What exactly do I love about him? Everything, apart from his drinking.

His drinking problem will eventually kill off any love you have for him. Currently his primary relationship is with drink; this is coming first. Everything else is secondary.

Neither of you can go on like this; your relationship will be stone cold dead before long because you will have had enough of him and his empty promises to change. Do not therefore stick around indefinately - give your own self a time limit. You have to show him you are deadly serious with any intentions you have. You cannot and should not enable him.

Do talk to Al-anon; they are helpful at helping family members of problem drinkers. They will help you re emotionally detaching.

His drinking problem will eventually kill off any love you have for him. Currently his primary relationship is with drink; this is coming first. Everything else is secondary.

Neither of you can go on like this; your relationship will be stone cold dead before long because you will have had enough of him and his empty promises to change. Do not therefore stick around indefinately - give your own self a time limit. You have to show him you are deadly serious with any intentions you have. You cannot and should not enable him.

Do talk to Al-anon; they are helpful at helping family members of problem drinkers. They will help you re emotionally detaching.

Ineedalifelaundry - a lot of your post sounds very much like my situation. I have allowed this to go on for twenty years and am no longer sure if I love DH enough to stay - there's still something there on the good days but these don't happen as often as they used to. His drinking is very well hidden, to the extent where I sometimes think I'm imagining it but it is causing huge financial pressure.

I went to my first AlAnon meeting last week and found it emotional but helpful. I won't forgive myself if I end my marriage without having tried everything - counselling is out of the question as he says he/we don't have a problem!

A few of the women at the meeting said they went to AlAnon first and their husbands went to AA as a result of their experiences. You have a big advantage that you sound like you are still communicating - do give it a try.

Hi Ineedalifelaundry and BodenGroupie, my experience of Alanon was that I was going for quite a few years before my dh finally got sober. I really believe it was the catalyst for change in our relationship. Prior to my attending Alanon, I focussed obsessively on dh, what was he doing? where was he? was he drinking? if he wasn't drinking, would he start again tomorrow?......You get the picture. Slowly I learned to focus on myself and my obsession with dh waned. When I changed how I was reacting to him, our whole relationship changed and he began to fully experience the negative effects of his addiction and this prompted him to face up to his problems. It sounds so simple and straightforward as I type it out, but it was far from easy. In fact, despite the fact I started going to Alanon almost 8 years ago, dh is only sober just over a year (although he did have periods of sobriety they never lasted more than a few months before). He is a regular at AA now and I still attend Alanon and always will as it helps me deal with everything life throws at me, not just alcoholism. I cannot recommend Alanon highly enough, my life has changed so much since I started going and I have no doubt that dh and I would have split up years ago without it. I hope you keep going and get the help and support I did!

Thanks ludog. I really might try al-anon. I have to find out if there's a meeting near me.