SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hi all thanks for your kind words. As predicted he has been at the beer stand all day at the summer fete, then we all went back to some friends for a quiet drink - of course he got completely trollied, I had to wake him up to bring him hime, then he fell asleep on our sofa again by about 8pm - DD's finding it hard to understand why Daddy can't kiss them goodnight, again. The other husbands were drinking as well, to be fair - but none of them seemed as inebriated as him. He drinks a glass of wine in about 10 seconds - there is no sipping/savouring, he just gulps it down like there is no tomorrow.

I have checked the AA website and they have a daytime meeting on a Friday quite close to me, I don't work on a Friday so it's possible I could go although as it happens I have a commitment this week - evenings are impossible for me. I also can't tell if it's an open or closed meeting though so need to ring the helpdesk to find out.

I guess I feel scared of going along to AA because that is then "officially" admitting we have a problem here. I am also left wondering what is the chain of events that will happen after that. I guess it is a feeling of knowing that a whole can of worms will be opened and not really wanting to let them out!

Yes Atilla you are right that his drinking has been noticed but I guess most of the couples we socialise with also like a drink -just not to the extreme, so he is something of a figure of fun, people joke about him sleeping through dinner parties etc but it no l,onger seems funny. His family I think also tend to joke about it, but deep down they know - it's that old Elephant in the room thing again.

Unusually we will both be at home tomorrow in the daytime when the DD's will be at school. I think I will speak to him then when he is sober. I really feel this cannot go on, for my sake and for the girls.

I almost wish he would have a crisis which would sort of force a confrontation - on the other hand it is probably better to try and tackle it now before it reaches crisis point, especially for the girls' sake.

Thanks again for letting me ramble. I'm off to bed now to re-read my book about living with a functional alcoholic.

TWT,

Your children are undoubtedly confused, upset and yes angry as well at their Dad. They love this man very much and yet he can't even put them to bed and give them a goodnight kiss because he's drunk.

They are also learning from you both and observing your reactions to him as well. What are you teaching these young ladies here?. You cannot go on like this either - all you're doing is carrying him now. This elephant in the room needs to be addressed properly by you and it needs to be brought out more into the open.

The other men can drink socially - your H cannot do that and won't ever be able to, the "off" switch is not there. Knocking it back the way he does is physical and mental dependency on alcohol; he's not enjoying it as such - he's drinking it out of being totally addicted to it.

Your friends may feel pity towards you and perhaps even make light of it as well to spare your feelings.

Would urge you to attend this meeting on Friday (is this an Al-anon meeting?) as it will help you immeasureably. You need to attend such a meeting. By writing here you have "officially" admitted that there is a big problem here so going along to a meeting won't actually be any different really. They'll be people very much like you there.

Your H may well spout the usual promises to seek help and change when he is sober but unless he really wants to address the underlying causes properly, he will not. Denial is a powerful force.

You write about tackling it - but he also has to put the work in for his own self and not because you want to help him. You can help your own self by seeking support but that is all you can yourself do. In the end you cannot help him no matter how much you want to help. You are only responsible for your own self and your girls. Not him.

TWT - re: your comment about opening a can of worms... it may help to think of it along these lines: by going to Al-Anon and recognising something is wrong, you are opening said can at your leisure. My experience tells me that if you ignore it for long enough, the can of worms will explode at one point and then you won't be in control, but reacting to whatever it throws up.

Ready - I'm getting really concerned about you. I know that RL must be taking all of your attention right now, but if you can, just post a line to let us know you and the DC are OK. Wishing you well, always.

How's everyone else?

Ready - I hope you're OK x

Yes, I'm wondering how things are for you too, Ready....

I am delighted to have found this thread. My dh is a recovering alcoholic (sober just 1 year). It has been a long rocky road to where we are now. Alanon was the one constant thing that kept me going. I started going to meetings about 8 years ago and I really believe that my change of attitude was what started dh on the road to his recovery. It's almost impossible to live with an active alcoholic...the goal posts keep moving and just when you think you have learned to cope a worse crisis happens and you think you are going insane. My dh was a binge drinker, so we could have periods of relative "normality" and then he would go on a binge that could last 10 days and my life would collapse around me. He had to lose so much before he faced up to his problems. I had started separation proceedings and had got as far as appointing a barrister to represent me, he crashed his work van on a motorway and had to be cut out of it by the fire brigade. To this day he has only very vague recollections of the hours before and after the crash. Thank God he wasn't injured and, more importantly, he didn't injure anyone else. He is still off the road (he was disqualified for 3 years). I thought he was a hopeless case, but as I have said, he is sober today and we have a good life. He now takes responsibility for himself and is actually interested in the house...when he was drinking it could have fallen down around his ears and he wouldn't have noticed! Just checking TWT that it's an Alanon meeting rather than AA that you are going to. AA meetings are for the alcoholics and are closed meetings, Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics. I can't praise the fellowship more highly. I think it is the support of people who know exactly what you are going through that makes it work. You can be totally yourself with no pretence and you are fully accepted. I hope you are all doing ok today and I hope you don't mind a newbie jumping aboard!

Hi Ludog, welcome onboard. The success stories in the making are also welcome, congrats to you and your DH. Mine is 3 months dry, so it'll be great to compare notes as to how best to support recovery. Echo your gratitude to AA and Al-Anon!

Ready - are you OK?

Welcome, LD. It is so lovely to hear of the successess on this thread, because they are like sudden bursts of sunshine....yes it does get very dark on here, but that's the reality of dealing with unnacceptable behaviour from an addict.

Congratulations to both you, Snowie & OH's for being able to get through to the other side.

Please post, Ready....

Hello All.

i am new top Mumnet and have just stumbled across this thread. What a lucky find.

My ex partner has a substance abuse problem that has gradually took hold of her life and become the problem instead of being the crutch to deal with emotional distressfrom problems in her past and within our relationship.

Although the good news is that hopefully she will be off to rehab on monday for 5 months that is being tailored for her.

We have two beautiful boys aged 2 and 4. At present I am their primary carer.

Hi Ludog. Thanks for posting your happy ending. It gives us all hope that this can be beaten, and its really encouraging that your change of attitude seems to be the turning point for your DH. I really believe that my attitude is changing my DP slowly. He still has his moments but on the whole he is so different to this time last year. We went to a family BBQ on Sunday and he had one can of beer and then drank tea when he got home because he knew that if he got drunk we would have just left him to it and he wouldn't have seen us for a few days. That would NEVER have happened before.
Hi Brad79 - hope she gets through rehab OK.
Ready - hope you are OK. Thinking of you.
Hope everyone else is OK and managing to enjoy the sun!

Hi everyone,
Sorry to worry you all Thursday 11/06 I ran and we are safe in a refuge he has only kicked off verbally but i needed peace. I've changed my mobile number so he can't harrass me anymore and have now had to block out going calls on my bt line back home Trying to get an occupation order so I CAN HAVE MY HOUSE AND MY LIFE BACK.
Hope everyone else is ok? Missing your support (big thanks to my nice friend who is typing this).

Ready - thank goodness you are all safe! Please post as & when you can - we're all with you....

Welcome, Brad79 - well done you for keeping it all together for you & the boys....and here's hoping it all goes well on Monday for your ex P.

Well my DD is off to see her daddy tomorrow - I have a weekend of more cleaning up....genuinely cannot wait to get stuck in . Only the study & bedrooms to do now. Got the garden done today and found empty vodka bottles behind the shed. I can't even bear to touch them to put them in the bin - how crazy is that?

And I'm doing an extra shift on Sat night - I really need the money for the summer hols (I have 4/52 off!). I'm really lucky to be able to do that/have that option so I'm not complaining!

Night night!

Ready - so glad to hear you're OK - sorry that you had to get away, but hopefully this is the beginning of life getting better for you. Hope the refuge is OK, a least you should get some peace (totally understand the need for that, so often think of it myself) and will get support to get things in place to protect you x

Such a relief to hear you are OK and safe Ready. Good luck with the occupation order - how long does that take?
Only - how are things with you?

Ready, I read your message on Friday evening and it's made my weekend! Sorry I couldn't post earlier. I am delighted you are all safe and sorry you had to run, that the situation was there to force you out of your home. Now concentrate on keeping well and getting it back and safe for you and your DC - please keep us posted and let us know how things go, OK?

Brad, welcome, my best wishes for your ex-DP for tomorrow. It's going to be tough for all, but I do hope she makes the most of this chance so that she can be a mum to your DC in future.

SS - how's the cleaning going? A most therapeutic approach, I'm a devil with a hoover too when I get in the mood!

Ginny, I'm glad you are seeing positive changes and that you recognise the part your own behaviour has in making them come about, I hope the weekend was good for you.

Have a blameless week, everyone!

Is anyone around?

I will be later when DD has gone to bed....

Hi SS, have posted over in the other thread I started last night. I've had great support on here.

Went and saw my friend briefly a while ago, she was a bit of a closed book but her family are going to be around quite a bit which is a relief, so I'll be here in the background for her.

Thanks everyone.

Sorry - it has turned out to be a late one after all....what about tomorrow am? I have the morning off as it's DD's sports day in the afternoon

Hi SS, I work full time, I booked an emergency day's leave today. Phoned in at 7.30am. So back tomorrow, but I do get a chance to log in from time to time during lunch and such so speak tomorrow. xx

Monty - just caught up with your other thread so I'm way too late....Hope you are ok after all that; I hope your friend will be too with the right support, but she has to be willing to give it a go at the very least.

You may find that she is paying lip service to everyone else, that she has suddenly 'sobered up' and thought....Hang On, what have I signed myself up for here? I don't need any help because I don't have a problem!! She may 'go along' with it for a while. Please please don't think for a minute that this will be it, that she will be on the road to recovery. She may start it but may wonder off it anytime.

If her kids are between 12-17 then AlAteen would be a very good idea.

How is everyone else?

I'm grand, thanks Snowie....I've been like Mrs Doubtfire on speed - I'm having a friend over for lunch before sports day tomorrow. I'm having a normal life again. Hurrah!

Hello

Haven't posted for a while - partly because I have been stuck in the middle of a nightmare!

Anyway - brief summary:

Partner went away (a couple of hundred miles or so). I had to pay for his rail ticket mind you as he had got through the £400 he had taken from our savings on booze and fags.

My DS is refusing to speak to him which is fair enough but my DD is really upset asking when Daddy is coming back. She is really clingy, feeling sick, not wanting to go to school etc which is very unusual for her. She has a school trip tomorrow tho which she is really looking forward to so that will help.

My partner says that he has to come back as he cannot stay with his parents any more and he has fallen out with his sister so has nowhere else to stay. He does agree that we will separate - although he says that it is not what he wants and that it is entirely my decision. He says that I have to give him money (he has no income) to have a flat etc.

HOWEVER - and this is the bit that I feel both proudest and most upset about - he will be getting a letter from my solicitor tomorrow telling him that I am asking for a divorce and also that he needs to leave the home (i.e. not return) voluntarily otherwise I have grounds for a molostation order (and another order that I can't remember the name of ). I am torn to bits about this. We have been married eighteen years - I really thought he was the one I would grow old with.

My partner has said that we will do this in a civil way but I am scared that when he gets the letter, this will go out of the window. He says he will come back home - if only temporarily - no matter what.

Oh and my 81 year old mother is seriously ill!I am so angry that I cannot look after her the way I should because of my partners behaviour.

But I do feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel - I should have done this ages ago. I know that it will be hard but my DS is calmer and happier than he has been for ages - and I will do everything I can to make the same true for my DD.

Thanks for listening to me! And, anyone else in my position, please be strong. A little thing that really affected me was a message from my brother in laws Mum who is trapped in a marriage with an alcoholic (through finance and other reasons). She wanted me to know, though my sister (her daughter in law) that I has to act because she did not want me to have a life like hers. So I am doing it for her as well!

Night night!

Tilly, well done you for resolving once and for all to make that change.

Of course it won't be easy - you need to cut yourself some slack there - but under no circumstances give him any more money, don't be blackmailed/threatened/pressurised.

He left; get legal advice about his claim that you have to allow him back in. You don't; if he insists on coming back he can go to a hostel (your local SS's will have a list) - you must not let him back in, because the cycle of madness will start all over again despite your best intentions. Better if he stays where he is and he stays away, esp. until he has received the letter.

You only have his word that his family don't want to know. You certainly don't want to be in the position of having to put up with more mad behaviour.

Look at how things have improved already with your DS? It will be the same for your DD too. All she needs to know is that daddy has an illness that makes him do things that he doesn't remember, that he sometimes says things that he doesn't remember saying, that he sometimes falls down/breaks things/falls asleep in the middle of the day (delete as necessary). That he still loves his DC's but his illness is making it very difficult for you all to live together, because it is making his behaviour completely unacceptable. That's how I managed it with my DD and she's only 5. It becomes a mantra - and it helps you to stay focussed as well.

How old are your DC's? Would they be old enough to go to Al Ateen? Are you getting help for yourself? Give Al Anon a ring - even to just talk to someone who will know exactly what you are going through. They don't advise as such (ie. give you a list of things that you have to do), but they will support you

HI Tilly. I remember what it was like to be stuck in the middle of that madness. My dd2 was the Daddy's girl (still is) and always got really clingy and anxious when he was drinking. I found it helped her for me to just let her cry it out and talk as much as she needed to. I remember when I started separation proceedings and sharing with an Alanon friend that I really didn't want to go ahead. Her reply was that sometimes we need to do something although we may not want to. In our case, the realisation that he was going to lose his family was my dh's rock bottom. He was served with court papers and advised to get a solicitor to represent him. He finally got sober that year, although there have been some relapses. I'm not saying that everything will work out "happy ever after" for you from now on, but no matter what the outcome, your life is going to get better from here. I second the advice re Alanon and Alateen... it is a fantastic resource and I wouldn't have got through the dark days without all the support from members. How is your Mum doing? That is really tough to have to deal with as well. Look after yourself, make sure you are eating properly and getting enough rest, don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help. We all need to lean on others from time to time. Take care xx

Thanks so much Ludog and SS1 - for your support and good advice.. It really rang bells for me re: my DD - she wants to see her Dad so much and got very stroppy with me this eve - but then says that I can 'divorce Daddy if he drinks again - I don't care'. She doesn't know whether she is coming or going. I am being very clear with her why I am doing this and you are right that 'sometimes we need to do something although we may not want to'. I am just so guilty that I left it so long.

My partner has been remarkably calm about my asking for a divorce although he did write an email to me saying that he would always love me etc. However he does not want to fo through solicitors - says he cant afford it although I have been told he would get legal aid (I on the other hand as I have a job and didnt lose it through being drunk will have to pay out shedloads!). Bitter - me?

I have spent most of today in tears. My Mum is in a bad way and my Dad is not coping with this either. Luckily my lovely sister (who lives quite a long way away) has been up for a few days and has done a lot of parent care as well as picking the kids up from school etc. My brother in law is also up and he is a really good role model etc for my kids (my sister doesn't have children but is a fab auntie - even tho she does like to hand them back after a certain time!). She has said that she will stay a couple more days but has to get back to work at the end of the week. If my Mum would get better it would make a big difference as I would have one less thing to worry about and could concentrate on the kids more.

I am also lucky that, although very few people know anything and what they do know is very little, at work people are very kind. A colleague was so sweet today. I had said yesterday that my personal life was falling apart and I think he thought I was joking so today when I had to explain that I needed to be out of a meeting to take a phone call (from my solicitor) and explained just a very tiny bit of my problems he was so nice that I promptly burst into tears! Gawd - I am wobbly at the moment. Wobbly but resolved though!

Need to go to bed now - you are alos right about getting sleep, food and so forth. I do find it hard to sleep - esp waking these light mornings so I tend to go to bed late but will try and get to bed before midnight tonight. If I sprint upstairs I might just make it! Thanks to everyone....