SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hi All

Ginny, that is fab news that he was found guilty, well done you for being so strong. Let's hope he get's a stay at HM's pleasure.

Calyx, I had a lump when I read your latest posts, please please, don't have a child with your h while he is in this state. At best it has a shit childhood, at worst, as it got older it could end up physically hurt. And don't get me started on the emotional damage.

I have just taken the ginormous step of moving into my lovely dp's home. I had my own, been independent, so I don't see this as a loss, more a bonus. I have searched and had my friends search for signs of being a bastard, and all we have found is a gentle and upfront chap.

I look back on my life and it was madness, sheer madness. To anyone planning on leaving, plan. Plan your route out. You have to be in control and manage this step. If you want him out, how will you achieve it. Is he likely to become violent? After all, he's losing his enabler. Ignore any emotional blackmail, that's all it is. And above all, look at your dc's and imagine how they will grow emotionally once they have a stable calm home. I have a friend who is a foster carer, and she has found that most children who come from environments that are damaging are behind emotionally, sometimes years. Also academically. Even now, my ds is a year behind at school, and we have been out over 2 yrs, he is now 7.

Keep posting, here is sanity!!!!!

Mummymuzza I'm glad you feel a wee bit better. Is your partner seeing anyone about depression? If they won't take AD's and are talking about self harm I would maybe call their GP and tell them. If they have a Community Psychiatric Nurse can you contact them? Or possibly he needs sectioned for his own safety? Remember to look after yourself first and foremost, good luck.

Ginnny thanks and I'm glad the magistrate saw through those lies! Now you're in your next chapter and it will be plain sailing for you I hope

Maby it's good when you do the difficult thing and then find some peace in yourself. Well done and keep reading and looking out for yourself. We are here for you too

Hi Ginny

Good to read an update from you. Am very pleased to also read the court has seen fit to eventually pass sentence on your awful ex partner. Nuff said re him, I remember a lot of what he did to you but you got away from him and that is to your eternal credit.

Glad to read that you're both happy and healthy. Am certain too that your children are happier as well.

with best wishes to you and yours

A

Congratulations Ready! I wish you amazingly good luck .

Thanks for your advice. Well it's happening; he is looking at rooms to rent. I asked yesterday 'how long do you think before you get somewhere?' and he said 'well I'll have to save a deposit'. I said I would pay the deposit for him so that it all goes quickly and smoothly for him (meaning I will get peace sooner). He said thanks. We are basically apart now as we aren't talking much (but not a bad atmosphere, just doesn't seem to be anything to say). He made dinner on Tuesday night and I heated us up soup yesterday. I'm sleeping in the spare room. It's stressful and I hope he finds a place soon so I can think clearly. He had made notes on an envelope which I saw and asked 'is that you looking for somewhere' and he says he is looking at a room tomorrow. Fingers crossed he continues like this and there's no arguing or anything.

My period started today so that's something I suppose.

Thanks again for support x

aka princess hobnob

Hi iGinny, Ready SS and Attila and everyone else
so glad to hear your news Ready, I'm sure you're much more aware of what to look out for now, and your dp will be very very different from your ex
ginny glad your ex was found guilty

My ex was found guily (again) of harassment in June - this time he pleaded innocent so I had to go and give evidence which wasn't pleasant - but they put curtains up round him so I didn't have to see him.

He carried on sending bad obsessive emails and I forwarded all to the police and blocked him - he decided not to turn up for sentencing, so has a warrant for his arrest, which means I always worry he'll turn up here again. He hasn't been here since January, but from his emails he still seems to obsessive, even though we left 2 years ago, like Ready.

Life is so so so much better without him in our lives

Thanks for the update, Ready, Princess, Maby.

Calyx, do be careful about assuming his responsibilities....I understand why you're paying his rent for the 1st month - anything to get him out, but you do realise that he'll expect you to carry on paying. Then the guilt trips will start, eg. 'I'll be out on the streets unless I have the money by next week'.

You have to harden yourself to it - difficult as we've all been carrying on trying to fix it all the time.

Thanks SS. He can expect till he's blue in the face but since I won't have any money left (I'm going to be well skint next month due to this) I won't be able to oblige him even if I wanted to. He can go to his mother.

It's still limbo here. It's starting to affect me at work. He tried to call the letting agent Saturday morning to get the keys etc but they were closed for the weekend. On Monday after work I asked him did he phone them. I was expecting to move him out today - I have a half day every other Tuesday and told him I would help him move out (I have a car and he doesn't drive) but after work yesterday he said that the letting agent told him he needs a 'work reference' before they can give him the keys.

Sighhhhhh. I said well get it sorted Tuesday morning, they can handwrite you one can't they. He said 'I'll be out on my round, I can't be reminding him every five minutes like I need to. I can move out on Saturday or Sunday can't I'.

No you bloody can't. I was in tears at work yesterday and they sent me home. I didn't want him to know so I went to my sister's and spent the day with her and my gorgeous niece then changed back into my work uniform and came home at the usual time. I held it together last week so well and I was sure he would be out today. I have taken the rest of the week off annual leave (I had 30 days to take anyway and have to be focused to see patients. My colleagues were lovely. Thank you God).

This morning I went out as though I was going to work and when I saw him leave the house I just came back in. I was going to be home before him anyway as this was to be my half day but now I'm on annual leave. I said to him before 'leaving' this morning "Right get that work reference sorted today. I'll take tomorrow and Thursday off work so we can get this move done" and he said "no need to be nippy about it. I can move at the weekend" and I said "This is doing my head in. You'll say this weekend then it'll be something else then something else". Then I 'left for work'.

When I came back in the flat door hadn't closed properly. He must have just sailed out of the door without even looking back to see if it had latched, when usually we turn around and lock the mortice too. If I had been at work that would have been sitting open all day (the door hadn't fully closed!) and we could have been burgled. AAAAaaaarrrrghhhhhhhh grrrrrrrrrr.

This is HARD. He is making dinner and I'm doing washing/tidying. We each are being very polite and saying 'thanks for dinner' 'thanks for doing the washing' as if we're flatmates. We're sleeping in separate rooms. We haven't been kissing but at bedtime we just have a quick hug then goodnight. I don't want to start being 'harder' because I fully believe that will make him dig his heels in and maybe refuse to go/start causing trouble.

Oh God. Not my will but yours. Serenity, Courage, Wisdom. Repeat until has the desired effect.

I hope everyone's doing well. How are you doing Lala? I hope your DH is still behaving okay and that if not, you are able to think about next steps. I am thinking of you all and thanks for listening to my stressing. xx

Can't respond til Wed night. Hang in there, Calyx - 'This To Shall Pass'......SSX

Hi Calyx.
I think he is playing along with you and stalling for time.
I recognise so much of my ex's behaviour when you talk about him.

My ex would be so reasonable when I told him to go, he would go round with the hangdog expression, doing everything right, but putting off going in the hope that I would cave and give him another chance, which I usually did. My Mum used to call this period the 'charm offensive'!
Stick to your guns - he is just waiting for the opportunity to sneak his way back into your life. He doesn't want to leave and will do anything he can to put it off or avoid it altogether.
Be prepared for the 'nice guy' front to drop when he realises you actually mean it and really do want him to go.
Thinking of you - I really do know how hard this is for you.

Thanks. I really see this thread as a lifeline. Hope work isn't too busy Squirrel.

I do fear that he will decide he's not moving and keep putting it off.

I just had a thought too. I'm trying to stop controlling him/everything. But isn't me telling him to go me trying to control?

What to do? I am praying that God takes it off me and that I can just look after myself and let whatever will happen, happen. But I am scared that if I do that, he just won't leave and he carries on carrying on.

I will try just not mentioning it any more and see. I can manage that because I'm off work and I can just look after myself at the moment. I think I may have got upset yesterday because I was trying to take the reins and speed things up?

Thanks again, I don't know you but I think I love you all. And I don't know what I would do without my sister too! I have tidied, done washing and thought 'what can I do to look after myself right now' and thought I would run a nice bath. So I'm off for some hot bubble action now

Hang in there calyx, This sounds like stalling, he's saying what he thinks you want to hear, but knows really nothing is happening. What is your back up plan? Is his name on the documents? What will it take to get him out? Stop pestering him, but give a deadline date. Are you in a position where you can get the locks changed? This type of man will play you and play if you let him. Separate the way you live, if you are no longer a couple stop doing his washing, cooking etc. Continue doing so and he has no reason to go. Effectively, until he is gone you are sharing your home with a lodger, treat it as so. Don't believe this crap.

He got home while I was in the bath. He is actually on the phone RIGHT NOW leaving a message to another room to rent. Looks as though he's decided he is actually leaving.

When he came in (and I got out of the bath) he said right away that he had the work reference - well his manager's email address to give to anyone that asks for one. But then he said he had called the letting agent again who advised him this room he's looking at is a six month tenancy minimum. He says no way is he staying in that shithole for six months so what to do?

I said well I didn't want you to go and live in a shithole anyway, how on earth is that going to help you? I said do what your friend did, look on Gumtree.co.uk and get a flatshare/room in a flat or something where you've got the shared living room, kitchen etc and a bedroom of your own. Less than five minutes later he called me through to look at one on spareroom.co.uk (looks quite nice) and he has called the number and left the message.

I said to him that I had taken the rest of the week off annual leave so if he doesn't find somewhere I can surf gumtree/spareroom so he doesn't miss anything and he nodded. I'm now sitting in bed in the spare room in my dressing gown with the laptop and a cuppa, he's in the living room on the computer with a cuppa.

Currently I believe he is leaving as soon as he finds somewhere suitable. Need to think of a plan B in case this doesn't happen. Is he stalling? I don't know. He's not happy and I'm not happy so maybe he does actually want to leave. Fingers crossed. Things can't move on until he's out.

Thanks Ready. It's my name on this flat. Oh the phone's ringing...

he's asking if he can come look at the room...

I'll update when I know what's happening!

Sigh. The one he called was just gone. He's left a message on one and emailed another.

He's saying I'll just keep checking every day. He just got nippy with me for saying he could expand his search to xy area ('that would be £60 on travelling to work. You just don't get it. You earn twice what I earn etc etc') so I just snapped that he is fucking lucky I'm letting him stay here while he looks and that I won't offer help unless he asks.

He is making a quick dinner for the two of us just now. This is really stressful for both of us . I hate this. Why couldnt he admit/see he's got a problem with drink and contact AA for help when he said he would?!? I would have been supportive through the inevitable binges as long as he was trying to sort himself out . But now I just want him out.

If it is just your name on the tenancy, it is much easier for you. You give him a deadline, if he fucks up, then change the locks and stick his stuff outside.

DON'T look for him on gumtree, that is allowing him to shirk his responsibility. You are not responsible for him, he is a grown man who has to sort himself. What reason has he to get his act together to move out if you are going to find him somewhere and help him with the deposit. The council quite likely has a deposit scheme.

He is working, so he can get his arse in gear and sort himself out. You have told him to go, he needs to sort himself. That is what reasonable adults do. No suggestions to him. He is just someone you have the misfortune to share a flat with for the next xx days. The cooking you dinner- that's softening you up to the inevitable 'I can't find anywhere boo hoo me' He has to reach that rock bottom himself. Please. For your sanity.

Hi Calyx
Oh big hugs (()). I do agree with Ready though and think he should sort himself out.... it's not easy though and to be living with him at the mo must be very hard. Well done for hte decision and for taking some time off work - please just try and do something for you - tomorrow go shopping, out for lunch, to a girlie flick at the cinema or something for you - DO NOT waste your precious time looking for somewhere for him to live - it is HIS fault he has to leave NOT yours - as you say he could easily have rung AA a couple of weeks ago but he didn't - he has chosen alcohol over you and that is hard and not-understandable but at least you now know where you stand and you can get on with your life.
afm - boring blah blah blah really. DH drinking more again, having first drink as soon as in from work and prob up to a bottle+ a night again. He got moody and snappy on Saturday and I was picky back and he said it was my fault and I said no it was that 'Happy Martin' had gone again. Blah blah. I don't have the energy to do anything now, our 20 week scan was today and the twins are doing well and that's what matters. I just need him not to get nasty and I can cope with the rest for now and I'll face bigger battles later.
Hugggles to all
Lala

Hi Lala, congrats on your pg

Do you really have the energy to put up with an alcoholic and all the associated crap and expense while you have nb dts? I've done it with the dc, and it's hard, so hard.

Consider, your options, as his behaviour will get harder for you to ignore, and your dts need to come first.

Calyx - Having a shit night at work, only just started my break now, lol, but at least I know that I'm going back to a serene house!!

Right, Everyone has said what I would say to you.

But most importantly, when I say that you need to focus on yourself, you really do need to. So, keep busy busy busy; friends, lunch, window shopping, the library, a long swim.....whatever it takes to keep out of the house!

Any time you spend with him, you will get sucked back in. A very wise person told me that it is like living with an octopus when this happens - you never know where the tentacle is going to come from next, and she was right.

Lucky for you that he is still working.....You need to say what you mean and mean what you say. You have issued the ultimatum, you must stick with it. Let him start to take some responsibility....

Don't be bullied, either. Have some handy things to say back if it gets too much such as:

'I know you don't like it but that's the way it is'

'Your opinion differs from mine'

'I'm sorry that you choose to feel this way'

Keep it short and sweet, don't enter into dialogue - that's when they start blathering and before you know it you've gone back on your word (can't you just tell that I have the highest award for this? ).

Lala - what sort of support do you have for yourself? Forgive me if you've already said. You so need to focus on yourself and the babies. Sadly, the extra responsibilities that will come with the babies will be enormously difficult for your DP to deal with. But keep posting, we will do all we can to help you through this.

Ready & Ginnny - my word, look how far you've both come on! Enormously proud of you both, well done!!

Hiya
SS - I do have some great friends and my parents are wonderful (parents don't know anything except that we couldn't increase DH life insurance to cover the mortgage due to him having told the Dr he drinks a btl wine a night cause I was really cross). When it comes to it though, my parents do live an hour away and my friends all have small children too so it can make it tricky. I am worried when the twins come he will be pushed to the limit as he really struggled when DD was little and I know a new baby tends to make alcoholics worse. He was no help in the evenings with DD, even when I was shattered from day 1 as I considered him too drunk to help - he slept through every night cos he was drunk and he would normally have had over half btl wine before bath time which meant I couldn't trust him on his own with DD. I am worried it will be the same again as I know I will need help in the evenings and nights with it being twins and if he is too hammered to help that may push me into taking action. I was hoping things would stay stable enough for the next few years as I am doing an OU degree to move into teaching, and need him to support me financially whilst I do that. At the moment he is drinking - too much - but not hugely excessively and he has not got nasty for a while. He did get excited y'day at the scan and I will talk to him before the twins come regarding his drinking and that I will need help and we will see what happens. Thankyou for your support - I have a feeling I will need it loads in the upcoming months!
Calyx - Please let us know what you have done for YOURSELF today :)

Lala, am a bit concerned, could you read some of my posts at the top of the thread? Been there with alc H and new baby, and ended up on happy pills. And worse.

How was everyone elses day? Dc driving me nuts- hence the escaping into mn

may I ask who here has used al-anon as a support and how you found the experience ?

Hi everyone. Hope you don't mind me just jumping in here, but new to posting on MN and needing some support/outside perspectives.

My dh is an alcoholic and has been for years. I didn't realise for a long time. Probably about 4.5 years since I admitted it to myself. We have two dcs.

He doesn't work. I work full time to pay for the house and everything else. He doesn't qualify for any unemployment benefit because of my income. He has no qualifications or training and no references so not easy to get work even if he was actively trying (which he isn't). He suffers from depression, but the antids don't work while he's drinking so that never gets resolved. The dcs are both in full time childcare as I can't trust him not to drink whilst looking after them.

In the last few weeks he's become what I describe as a functioning alcoholic, in that most days he cooks a meal and will play with the dcs after we've eaten. Before that he would either be passed out in bed or at hospital (he had a back problem and developed a habit of calling an ambulance while drunk). I wouldn't know until I got home and found 999 as the last number dialled.

When I am at home he does not drink. So the weekends have gotten me through really. At least we had those. We had a week's holiday over the summer when it finally dawned on me that even that time isn't really happy any longer. His mh problems make him snappy and unreasonable. I don't even know if I love him anymore, which probably means I don't

I've reached a crossroads where I need to decide what to do. I'm so tired of hoping. I have to accept it's never going to end. I'm part of the problem in that I enable his drinking (it's my money that buys it for a start - if I don't give him 'pocket money' then he sells our stuff to pay for it). Can I accept that this is my life for the sake of the dcs? Do you think it is better to have a functioning alcoholic dad than one who you only see a couple of hours a week in a contact centre? I couldn't ever permit him to have them unsupervised, as I couldn't trust him to be sober.

I do know that option is not the best for me, I know I deserve so much better, but as a mother you do sacrifice for your children don't you and I have no problem with that.

I mentioned the money situation because it's relevant as to why we're still together at all. I would have left by now if we could, but I see it as my house because I'm the only one contributing to it. He doesn't even do any housework during the week. It's only at weekends when he's sober and reasonable that he helps me with it.

He says he'll leave if I go to the solicitors and file for divorce but I'm not keen on doing that. Firstly I don't have the money for that and secondly I'm not even sure he'd go anyway. His family don't want to know and he has nowhere else to go. How can I get him out of my house without going down such a formal route? I want us to be amicable and sort things informally.

Sorry that was a bit of a jumble. I am sorry for asking for help before I've even started contributing to the thread, but now I'm here I'd like to do that too if you don't mind me joining.

Creamola & Angel - I will come back later when I'm on a proper break.....SSX