SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Thanks Attilla,

I just don't know. He might seek help or he might not. If I had to say which I thought right now I would say.... hmmmmm this is hard. I don't know what my heart of hearts thinks but I know what it fears!

I'm by myself and I am going to have some food (not had breakfast or lunch because when I'm upset I just don't fancy eating anything) and then I will probably try to sleep for a couple of hours. It's a waste of rare sunshine outside but I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I feel as though I'm dreaming and I think I need some calories/energy inside me and then some downtime to process what's happened. It feels like nothing but it's a big step I have just made isn't it?

How to carry through with the ultimatum if he doesn't seek help. Well, it's my name on the flat so he would have to move out as I pay the bills from my larger than his wage. I would have to trim the bills to manage - broadband/TV bills first, well second as I will be stopping smoking as soon as I can do it, which of course will be a great help if not the total cure to my money worries.

We don't have kids (:() so really I've got no practicalities to worry about after that. Well except where he will live etc etc but if I'm splitting with him I shouldn't be worrying about anything he needs to worry about himself?

I'm off for my snack (rolls and sausage with a cuppa) and then probably a wee sleep. Thanks again Attilla have a great day and I hope you've got sun too :)

Hi All,

I started reading thread one over a year ago and have dibbed and dabbed in for ages. I so feel for everyone and was hoping that some collective advice might be available for yet another desperate wife??!!
DH has always drank, and most nights, but when I was taken into hospital a month before our DD was due just over 2 years ago he started drinking more and more. I would speak to him before I went to sleep every night and he would be hammered. He is 'high functioning' and holds down a good job and only drinks in the 'evenings' - altho this means from 5pm if he's back from work at that time.
When I started to bleed, the night before my planned c-section, the first thing I said to the nurses was 'don't call my husband in case he drives here as he will have been drinking!'. I then called a friend to see if she could bring him in before calling him to say he was being picked up. He arrived at hospital and had packed a can of gin and tonic with him!!!!?? I think I realised then that there was a definite problem!!
Once we got home with DD (btw a result of 5 years trying, numerous fertility problems and 3 IVF attempts) his drinking escalated. It was like he couldn't handle a baby in the house (and he was 45 when she was born - not 18!!) which with hindsight was probably because he was drunk or hung over. He never once got up in the night with her and I never let him have her after 8ish o'clock at night as I didn't trust he was safe enough to have her. He was drinking about 2ish bottles of wine a night at this point. He started to develop a horrible temper. He has never been physically violent but he is very verbally abusive. During the first 18 months of DD life, he was horrid Sat and Sun mornings (always using the f word with that nasty expression on his face - like if she was crying he would say 'shut the fuck up' to her). We went through a few issues with breast feeding and rather than help he said 'if she doesn't feed soon I'm going to the garage to get some fcking SMA' and would call me useless for not being able to feed her. When a b/feeding counseller suggested getting in the bath with her might help, I asked him if he would pass her into me and take her out when we were done and he wouldn't. He really struggled and it got to the point where I felt sick every Friday at the thought of him being home for 2 days solid at the weekend as I would have to take her out of the house to be away from him as he was on such a short fuse. I really began to see him as an alcoholic about a year ago I think when his language just got so verbally abusive and little things like when I asked him if he could turn the volume down on the TV he just hurled the remoth violently across the room and let rip a stream of abuse at me. When off on a rant I get called 'effing useless etc etc'.
Anyway - Jan-Apr this year he cut down dramatically on his drinking, stopped smoking, started going to the gym, even switched to brown bread and decaf tea (a bit all or nothing I think he is!) and we went for another round of IVF as I desperately wanted DD to have a sibling and to have another baby. Towards the end of the treatment he started drinking and smoking again saying it was very stressful (and he only has to wnk into a cup!!). We are now pregnant with twins and whilst I am over the moon I am also conscious that I don't think he can cope.
Saturday am our DD was just having a little cry - nothing huge - just needed to be distracted to stop her and his reaction was to say 'for fcks sake - shut up this is the last thing I fcking need on a Saturday morning'. I said 'great attitude - now I can't wait til the twins come!' and he just looked at me and in a really vicious voice and face said 'FCK YOU'.
Sunday morning, DD walked into the kitchen as he was about to unload the dishwasher and 'shock horror' actually walked into his path!! He picked her up and moved her- about as strongly as you would if she had been about to walk into a fire or something dangerous and said 'For Fcks sake get her out of my way etc' and ranted for a minute or so. He then brought bacon sandwiches in the living room for me and him, and DD was then happpily playing with her ball bouncing it around and saying 'Polly bouncing, Polly bouncing' just been really sweet and showing us what she was doing. DH just lost it and ranted 'For fcks sake Dolly can't you just be still for five fucking minutes'
I said 'she's 2 years old and she's playing beautifully - she's done nothing wrong' (calmly - didn't yell) and his response was 'just fck off - I get nothing around here - it's you first then her - what the fck do I get - just fck off out of here' (went on for longer than that but you get the gist!!)
I said 'fine - we will f*ck off' and threw some stuff in a bag and left. I went to a friends and about an hour or so later left DD with her so I could go home and get some overnight stuff - he completely ignored me - I packed some stuff and am now at my parents.
He is worse on Saturday and Sunday mornings I think because he drinks more on Friday and Saturday nights.
I texted him Sunday afternoon to say 'I love you but I'm not coming home to night if you are in a mood and need space. We need to talk but whether that's tonight or later in the week is up to you. I am not coming home tonight to jyst sit in the same room, it would only be to talk. Let me know'. I have had no response. I am not going home tonight, but I think he's working away and not due back til Weds anyway, and I am going back tomorrow.
What should I do? We have never had the 'ru an alcoholic?' talk. His father was a violent alcoholic, and his grandfather was a violent alcoholic who went to prison for attacking his grandmother with an axe! So I think we can safely conclude it runs in the family.
Please help - sorry this post is so so long.....

Oh Lala, what a horrible time you're having :(

Reading that through, I feel grateful that my DH, who I have just left for 2 weeks due to his binging at weekends, is nothing like as abusive as that.

I feel strongly that you need support and wonder if you have thought about Al-Anon? It's an organisation to support the families and friends of problem drinkers and they will give you help to detatch emotionally from his drinking behaviour in order to give yourself head space so that you can stand back from the situation and see whether you want to live like this forever, or leave him.

You just don't need this right now (or any time) and I think packing your bags and leaving for a while is the right thing to do. He's not helping with the wee one and this is really no way for her to grow up.

It sounds like he could do with professional help not just with the drinking but with his anger and the way he just swears at you and your DD is shocking.

I hope things work out for you :(

Thankyou Calyx,
I have thought about Al-anon. When I contacted them about 10 months ago or so when things were quite bad though they said I couldn't bring DD to the meetings and so that ruled out the daytime ones. The evening ones - mmmmm - not quite brave enough to tell DH I am going yet!! Yes I think he does need help and I am planning on mentioning relate and AA when we do speak later in the week. I have never left before so hoping this is a bit of a wake up for him. The thing is I have put up with it for ages but now DD is 2 she is aware of how he can be and the way he was on Sunday was completely unacceptable and I am not prepared to bring DD up in that environment, let alone 2 babies yet to be born so he has to change or I have to change I guess.
Bless you for having the courage to leave - it's funny isn't it cause when I've read some stories on here I've felt thankful DH wasn't as bad as some others - it's all about perspective sometimes I guess and at the end of the day though an alcoholic is an alcoholic and damn unpleasant to live with!!
Thanks, Lala

Calyx - just read up a bit and I think you are very brave. I hope you manage to kind of enjoy your 2 weeks away without having to witness you DH behaviour and just able to worry about you x

Thanks Lala, I'm finding it HARD as I'm only 5 mins away from our flat, it's sunny, and it's 'through the week' (when he doesn't have a drink anyway) so I feel kind of like I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face!

I'm missing him :(

How are you feeling today yourself? I think you're totally braver than me and you've put up with sooo much AND you're pregnant AND it's TWINS! Congratulations by the way, I wish I was pregnant (with twins would be great too!) even though all this is happening. Best of luck for a smooth pregnancy and birth! Your wee one sounds gorgeous too :)

You are doing the right thing and you need to try to find some time to look after yourself. We can keep each other strong! I need it as I'm daydreaming about just going over there and hanging out with him as usual through the week - but I feel like he wouldn't take me seriously if I did - so I WON'T

Thanks again :)

Hi Calyx,
Gosh it must be hard knowing he's just round the corner and sober in the week. I guess though, the thing is if you have said you are going for 2 weeks then you have to follow through or, I think you're right, he'll never take you seriously. And in the grand scheme of things (how long have you been together??) 2 weeks is nothing.
I am dreading tonight ? he won't be home til 8ish which means he will have had a long day at work and talking will be the last thing he will want to do. I keep thinking though, that if we don't talk tonight then he won't think the weekend was as bad as it was and also - why is it always about what he wants? ( he would say because he's the one working....). I read a chapter in 'marriage on the rocks ? living with an alcoholic' last night with the signs of alcoholism and one of them was this really short frustration fuse and it said that whilst dh might go mental over, say the toothbrush top being off, what you have to remember is that if it wasn't that it would be something else because when they blow a fuse it's cause they want to and they will find any reason to. It describes my DH to a tee. Even if we save some of the talking until the weekend, we have to do some tonight ? I'm just not entirely sure what to say?! Hey ho I just hope the right words come to me and I don't bottle out too much.
How ru today?
Lala

Calyx/Lala, I haven't been around for a while, and unfortunately I'm going out this eve. But I just wanted you both to know that I am thinking of you both and will post more when I have the time to do so properly.

Please please keep phoning the Al-Anon helpline 10am-10pm 020 7403 0888 if it all gets too much to bear.

Above all, don't react to their behaviour, no matter how outrageous/horrible it is. It is only human nature to scream and shout at them but you're wasting your time, believe me I do know what it's like and what you're going through.

Always have a plan B and plan C. If he's too hungover to go on that day trip, then take yourself off to see friends. Start taking the focus off him and get it back onto yourselves.

You both need some space in your heads before you make any important decisions. You can't make any rational decisions whilst you are in so much turmoil.

Sorry I have to go now, but please keep posting.

SSX

Hi again Lala, and hiya Secretsquirrel :) thanks for your messages.

Lala, it's coming up to quarter to 8 now so I expect your DH will be home soon. I would try and get a cool, emotionally detached head on before he gets there - serenity, dignity, unflappability. Then once he's in, settled and finished moaning about his hard day at work ("that's a shame, at least you're finished your shift now" or similar) say something like "Right. We need to talk about this week" and see what he says.

If he is not willing to even discuss it, tell him what you're doing and why: "So you're choosing to ignore what happened and carry on as before. I will not tolerate being sworn at, or DD being spoken to like that so we will have to separate". (obviously you need to MEAN this and just go ahead and do it as soon as possible - difficult I know but it really is as basic as that). You need to be ASSERTIVE and keep the cool, quiet voice as much as you can. Pretend you're not involved, pretend it's a play or something. If you can tell him what you need and he doesn't do it, and then you go on to leave, at the very least you will have found that you do have some self-esteem and he has to respect you for that.

If he is willing to discuss it then tell him what you think needs to happen eg get help to stop drinking, go for counselling or whatever - although I don't know if counselling without stopping the drinking will have any effect whatsoever?!

Just wanted to hop on and say I'm thinking of you and sending you good vibes. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

I'm still at my sister's (difficult not to go home but I'm still here - reading Codependent No More and praying for serenity!). I've spoken to him on the telephone Monday and Tuesday evenings and he's been fine (maybe stoned but I don't give a stuff about that!). I said that I hope he understands what I'm doing by separating and if he doesn't understand I will spell it out: he needs to get help to stop drinking. He said "I totally understand what you're doing" but didn't carry on to say yes I will get help! I'm not pushing it because it's HIS choice and I can't control whether he does stop or not - I'm determined that if he doesn't make a change, then when I get back home after the 2 weeks, he is OUT and that's the end of it.

Keep the chin up and I'll do the same here! Will check in later :)

Well, I'm not sure how it went really. I am left feeling a little deflated and that I didn't say enough, coupled with relief that I did say something, it was accepted and that he is being really nice now!
He got home at 5.45 which I wasn't expecting and came in and said 'I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. I'm not up for a big talk. I'm sorry'. I replied 'Well I do have some things I need to say and you need to hear which I will say when Polly is in bed'. He was then all nice and playing with Polly etc. He then went downstairs (we live in a townhouse and his office is on the ground floor, plus he goes out of the utility room to smoke in the back garden and keeps his wine etc in the utility room ? so when he goes downstairs I generally can guess why!), and had a glass of wine before coming back up and then he said 'go on, let's talk now' . I suggested waiting til Polly was asleep, but since I wasn't going to get confrontational anyway and he wanted to do it I said my piece ? so girls this is where you tell me how much better I have to be next time perhaps!! I said
'Your temper has been getting worse and worse and your behaviour on Sunday was completely unacceptable, it is not something that I or Polly should have to listen to. I think your temper is linked to your drinking. It has to change and maybe that means going to Relate or anger management...' (at this point I had planned to add in AA but I bottled out :( ). At this point he made a face and said - ' let me deal with it myself first. If I can't I will go to counselling but let me try first'. He also added 'it was really poor to take Polly away from me on Sunday' I said ' Your behaviour was unacceptable and I will continue to remove Polly from that sort of situation'. He also tried to throw it back on me a bit saying that when I was packing the day bag I said shit and that when I swore in front of our daughter it was then that he really lost it!!!!! Do you know, I just didn't respond to that ? firstly I didn't say shit I said 'fine, we'll get the f*ck out then' and that was after a barrage of swearing from him and remains only the second time in DD life I have sworn in front of her ? doesn't make it right but shows how far he pushed me on Sunday. Whereas he swears in front of her ALL the time!!
So, I am left feeling good I guess that he has agreed to counselling if he can't sort it himself (which he won't) and disappointed I didn't get more across about how completely unacceptable his behaviour was. I have been rubbish at confronting him in the past and have only once before really told him how unacceptable his behaviour was after he had been awful all day and then lost it punching the pillow next to my head in the night and it felt like he was punching me by proxy. The rest of his swearing and short fuses I have not confronted which has been my fault as I knew once I started I would have to continue and (big honesty moment here) I wasn't prepared to get to the ultimatum stage before I had got him to agree to IVF one more time so I could have another baby (gosh isn't that awful of me?!).
So, that's where we are now. Of course he is being nice and last night didn't drink much and actually came to bed at 9.30 when I went which is the first time since about April as he normally stays downstairs until he passes out (sorry ? falls asleep!!!).......
SS - thanks for your words
Calyx - thankyou hon - I wish he hadn't got home early and I could have read your post first! I was very calm though and I guess said what I needed to say (kind of!)
You are being very strong - do you think he does understand or is he just saying that? I hope he does and that he will make the changes - otherwise he's going to lose you (why is that thought not enough to make him stop now????!!!!)
Bah bloody men!!
Lala x

Well done you! I think you were brilliant, you said everything and didn't apologise for saying it, you were calm even when he started the deflection nonsense ! My DH does this too and it's hard not to get angry when it happens.

I'm glad he is being nice and I hope he is thinking hard and will decide he needs to lose the alcohol rather than his family. I'm praying for us both (and the others who I've met here)

I'm okay, still at my sister's and obsessively not obsessing about DH . Had a lovely bath and started a Steven King (oh the excitement! Ha ha. I am enjoying the peace and the cats are good company when I get in from work

Hope you are remembering to look after yourself Lala, thanks for coming on and updating xx

Lala, also, it's significant that his version of events was turned back to front. I think your non-reaction to his lying (about you swearing first) has taken the power from him because he knows you're not in the wrong and by not responding you refused to validate his version

Can you tell I've been reading codependent no more again today

Lala/Calyx - Their behaviour is unnacceptable; we all know that, but are you aware that when it happens they are in a blackout?

They will have absolutely no recollection of what was said/what actually happened. So it is pointless to try and point out how unreasonable/unacceptable/spiteful/vicious/nasty their behaviour has been.

You have to really try hard and NOT react in any way to any of it. Just take yourselves & your DC's away from it, out for a walk if you feel your hackles rise and you want to scream & shout.

Believe me when I tell you that your DC's won't remember what they did/said but they will remember you screaming at them like a banshee.

You cannot have a rational conversation when they are in that state. You being sober will not make it right to have a go at them either.

It is very hard. I know as I had 7 years of it.

You are being affected by their drinking.

Whatever shit they come out with (is it any wonder I drink, being with you? You're a f...... crap mother anyway, you only take DD out to show her off to your friends, who else would have you anyway, you bag of shit, etc etc etc), you have to realise that:

You did not Cause this, You cannot Control this and you certainly cannot Cure it.

Al-Anon helped me to get ME back again. I was no longer consumed by what he was doing/when he was doing it. My mind wasn't filled with just Him (thus leaving no room for DD )

My DD now has a much better life too, she understands why her daddy is the way he is. I now have the tools to deal with an active drinker. Al-Anon may help you too - so long as you realise that they don't give you a list of do's & dont's to stop his drinking.

That is completely, utterly and entirely up the them.

Thanks Secretsquirrel. I'm glad you found the strength and made your life better for you and DD. I found Al-Anon amazing and that was the start of me working on my reactions and self esteem which is how I have decided that enough is enough and I don't have to learn to deal with (or put up with) having my weekends wrecked for the rest of my life because I married someone who drinks too much.

I'm in the middle of a two week separation which, if my DH doesn't make plans (including AA or counselling) for stopping, will turn to divorce. I have realised I can't control or cure it and that he has the right to choose not to change, but I do not need or want to live like this any more.

This has taken time to decide because I am 39, childless after 2 years of ttc (tests and all) and if have to go through with this ultimatum, likely to remain childless forever

I'm praying that he realises exactly how it is and makes changes. While trying to not obsess about him or anything (haven't had a text from him and it's payday today - not that I'm wondering what he is doing of course)

Hope you're okay Lala and thanks again SS

Calyx - I had a year's recovery with Al-Anon before I too had to make the painful decision to divorce.

His behaviour became more and more extreme because I was no longer reacting to him....I was able to detatch from the behaviour but not the person, but he didn't see it that way, of course! Now this was "manageable" when DD wasn't around but he crossed a boundary one day (in front of her) and that made my decision for me.

But I made it and carried it through with a clear head. I had never once threatened divorce if he didn't sort himself out and stop drinking even before Al-Anon (thank God-I guess there was something even then telling me how futile it is to do that!)

We have a better relationship now, even though he is still drinking - we have to because of DD. We will always be in contact, he is and always will be her daddy.

I'm very sorry to hear about your problems TTC. But I'm afraid that his alcoholism has played a major part.

We tried for another immediately after DD but whilst I had all the tests, he resolutely refused to have any (because of course, his drinking-which really spiralled out of control once DD arrived-would've come out!).

In the event, I see it as a blessing we didn't have any more - God knows it's hard being a SP with only 1 but 2 would've been a major struggle.
When I read posts like yours, I really do appreciate what I have.

But please take some comfort in that I was 42 1/2 when I had DD - I didn't meet her dad until I was 40. I know it's not ideal to be that much older but if Helen Fielding & Cherie Blair can manage it, then there is always hope !

You really need to put the focus firmly back onto yourself now....whether he decides to go to AA or not. Stay strong.

Lala - how are you?

Hi, how ru all? Calyx how has it been knowing it's the weekend and DH is at home probably drinking? Have you heard from him since he got paid? Gosh I really feel for you, and SS on the ttc front, having had years of infertility too. I echo SS, Calyx that it isn't necessarily too late so please don't give up hope.
SS - the thing abour DH behaviour is that he has this very short fuse and swears and shouts the day after he's been drinking - not when he's actually drinking so it's not blackouts. Last year he was unpleasant when he had been drinking on several occasions, but this time it's just the day times and when he starts to drink he gets nice, until after a while he gets chatty and starts talking sh*it - but tbh I'm in bed by then nowadays anyway.
I had a girls night out on Friday back in the town we used to live and where my parents still live (well, I say 'night out - a meal in a nice restaurant not a night on the tiles in case you get the wrong idea!!). Anyway, usually when I do that DH goes out too (typical male, no arrangements just pitches up at the pub and hopes someone is there he knows, and if not hey ho drinks anyway!) and gets absolutely hammered. On Thursday night he said 'I don't think I'm going to come tomorrow - I feel funny after you went to parents last weekend, and after what you said last night I don't feel like going out and getting hammered'!!!!
So, he stayed at home and I went with DD for the night and had a lovely time without him coming him at silly o'clock and breathing beer and vodka redbulls all over me!
He is still behaving 'well' and I will see what tomorrow brings...
Off on the ttc tangent again.. I definitely agree alcohol plays a part. DH has a v low sperm count and whilst we eventually found out it was a genetic issue. we all know the effects of excess alcohol and cigs on sperm. Other husbands I know gave up the booze and fags on finding out about low sperm counts..... not my DH!! SS I guess you won't know if that's why but I am glad you are happy with DD.
Anyway - wishing you all a good Sat night and hoping and praying for all the DW that the DH have a calm one.
Lala x

It's great that things have been better for you and DD today . My DH did drink, phoned me about half 9 last night and if there was a bingo card I'd have a house! My fault he drinks, he doesn't have a drink problem because I'm the one with the problem, etc etc. I agreed with everything and said night night. This morning he went for cigs at 5.30am and locked himself out so went to next door's, called me at half six for the keys. Sheepish and hungover. Gave him a lift to work (half hour late) then went back and picked up some clothes and DVDs. I left a letter saying clearly that I love him but if he doesn't commit to getting help it is divorce (not threatening but telling him how it is). He text after work saying thanks for helping him out and that he had felt awful (hangover) and that "the penny is dropping".

We will see what happens! Thanks for updating L

ala (damn iPhone) and your words of support from experience SS. Hope things are good for tomorrow for us all xx

Re tests, my DH was nervous about the sperm test but his numbers were really good according to the GP (go figure ) probably it's my body saying 'what are you dooooing trying to make a baby with this man?!'

Humph. Having a quiet Sunday, last night was fine except a call on my mobile from his mobile at half 1 this morning, a voicemail with just TV sounds then after about a minute 'you're a f*cking arsehole' (sounded like he was talking to himself or the TV not the phone).

Haven't heard anything till now then his mate texts me saying DH has locked himself out of the flat and he (the mate) is worried about the cat.

I tried to call DH but no reply, tried once more after speaking to his mate (who was walking back to his own flat after having been told to f*ck off by my DH). The call was answered then hung up.

I think he's too drunk to answer the phone or realise what he's doing. I want to go and open the door for him and just don't know what I should do!?

I was feeling quite relaxed and peaceful and then this. How to not let it affect me? Oh I don't know. I'll finish my cup of tea and sandwich and try and call him again. I have just texted 'are you locked out?' with no response.

I've just texted '* text me saying you were locked out but you're not answering. If you need me to open the flat call or text me'.

Now to pick up a book and try to forget it

Oh hon what happened? I am so sorry he ruined your Sunday altho I guess he would have ruined it more if you have been there with him. I am so so sorry he went and got hammered again and didn't stop. I so hope you tried to not worry about the cat (they are very resilient!!) and tried to forget about him last night. How ru today? Did you hear back? Have you heard today?

Hiya Lala and thanks

I was strong!! I didn't do anything after texting 'are you locked out'. An hour later his friend (another alcoholic) texted back to let me know he had found his set of keys, I had given them to him last year in case this happened while I was away visiting my mum.

DH phoned about 9pm, sounded stoned but not drunk. He was all 'how're you doing babes' and I said 'better than you it seems!' and told him I knew he'd locked himself out again. He said he was an idiot and agreed I'm doing the right thing but still didn't say he was going to actually seek help. He said he has to cut down and I said well that's your choice but as far as I'm concerned it's AA or alcohol counselling, arranged before I get back on Friday, or divorce.

I still don't think he believes I will do it but I'm determined.

Today at work I was sad and upset inside. I think last week I was more hopeful then he just drank at the weekend and now it's looking like I'm going to have to go through with divorce. My god and it's our second wedding anniversary in 2 weeks today . No children and nothing to show for ten years in this relationship. It's a bit depressing to say the least. I'm trying not to think about it but I don't want to make my dinner, just want to sleep and sleep.

It just doesn't look as though he will get past denial and tbh I don't think I want to live with a recovering alky any more than an active alky anyway. So there's no hope for my marriage or for children . I wish I hadn't married him but I believed he would pull his socks up.

How are things with you Lala? Hope things are still calm xx

Possible progress! Texted him after work asking how's things. Got back text saying he's knackered after work, chilling watching TV. Asked how I was. I sent:

I can't really be arsed with food today so maybe just do some pasta later on. Are you going to do something about the drinking? AA or counselling? You've only 4 days until I get back and after Sat and Sun's fuckups I am losing hope. I can't warn you any more so if you're not getting help you will have to move out

He replied: I don't want to lose you and move away so will try to get some help

I sent back: Thank god (DH) as I've been grieving for losing you all day. I don't want to split but I'm not living with drunkenness every weekend. Go to AA it's free and there are meetings all the time. It doesn't matter if you don't feel you need it. You need something. I love you babes
Helpline number 0845 769 7555

I got back (wait for it!....): Cool will phone it tomorrow after work

I replied 'Love you love you'

He replied 'Love you to bits babes

I'm feeling better now. I know I'm not supposed to let his actions affect my feelings/emotions/wellbeing. But that's impossible I think. His actions didn't affect me badly this weekend because I looked after myself not him. I felt really, really sad and depressed. Now that he has said he will phone AA I feel hopeful. Can't be all bad.