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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

985 replies

ginnny · 08/05/2009 11:36

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

OP posts:
milkmoney · 16/02/2010 22:28

Hi

I've posted here once before but probably scan this thread every day, as I'm in the same boat as many of you with a DH who I belive to be alcoholic. Things have come to a bit of a head recently as up til then I'd never really confronted him about the extent of my concerns - anyway won't go into the full story but suffice to say his drinking has increased a lot in the last few weeks and i totally lost it with him so he now knows what i think of him and how upset his drinking is making me.

Like some others, I'm dithering about al anon. I'm at a point now where I will tell DH that I'm going, rather than trying to attend in secret so that will make it a bit easier, however I do have reservations. I've just the Co-dependency book by Melanie (?) Beattie and she really seemed to stress the role of God/higher power stuff which doesn't really mean much to me. Also, I'm struggling with the detachment thing - it feels to me like I'm just expected to turn a blind eye to his drinking and convince myself that things will be OK. It also feels that by detaching I'll somehow be 'condoning' his behaviour when all i really want to do is smack him in the face.

Does this means I'm not really ready for al anon and wouldn't get much out of it?

autumnlight · 17/02/2010 10:07

chickenwings - I have, years ago, when I couldn't cope with my H's alcoholism, attended Al-Anon. I must admit I found it hard to differentiate between 'enabling' him to drink but not taking 'responsibility' therefore, as if I was to blame. I am thinking of going again but I did feel a bit angry re. a drinker not being able to help saying really nasty, hurtful things (even more so when drunk than usual) and that they couldn't help it. This was hard to stomach when that person has caused so much grief and trouble and I felt I am not interested in excuses being made for them. It is us, the victims, who need the understanding.

chickenwings · 17/02/2010 10:28

milkmoney and autumnlight - I am glad I am not the only one who is unsure about the al-anon approach.

When DH drinks it just makes me so mad. I want a husband not another child.

Having said that I am hoping to be proved wrong and I probably need to give al-anon a go so that I can make a more informed decision about it.

Are there any alternatives to al-anon?

Snorbs · 17/02/2010 10:49

The Higher Power stuff does nothing for me so I just ignore it. I think the core point of the HP references is in the concept of letting go. Some people find it incredibly hard to let go of their attempts at controlling the uncontrollable. For them, it can be helpful to couch it in terms of "let go of it yourself and let God/HP take the responsibility instead". For me, the important part of that is the "let go of it yourself" bit.

Regarding detachment, I tend to think of it like this. When you're in a relationship with an alcoholic and are emotionally involved with their drinking, you're on a roller-coaster with them. Sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down, sometimes it can even be fun and sometimes it's downright terrifying. But the crucial thing is that you'll get the same experience over and over again. That's just the deal with alcoholism.

Detachment means to get off that roller-coaster. To turn your back to it and go and do something more fun instead. That doesn't necessarily mean walking away from the entire relationship, but it does mean working hard to stop monitoring their drinking, stop being involved in cleaning up or covering up, stop financing their drinking, and to stop trying to control their drinking. Let it go.

To let go of that doesn't mean that you are condoning it. It's about reducing your emotional involvement in trying to control something that is entirely outside your control. Whether you condone it or not, you're not going to make any substantial difference to their drinking. Be honest - if you think about all your attempts to make it clear that you are not condoning it, has it stopped them drinking? I would guess not.

Enabling isn't about taking blame for their drinking. You don't hold the glass up to their mouths and force them to drink it. The responsibility for their drinking is theirs. The issue with enabling is that it helps them to avoid experiencing the full consequences of their drinking while also keeping you embroiled in the drama. It's not healthy for either of you.

Snorbs · 17/02/2010 10:53

A good alternative to Al-Anon is counselling. I found Al-Anon very helpful in helping me to realise that I wasn't on my own and that I wasn't the only person living that kind of life. It also helped me to see that life could be better.

But I found the books "Co-dependent No More" and "Games People Play" along with counselling (organised by my GP) more useful in helping me move forwards.

autumnlight · 17/02/2010 10:57

I have let go alot with my H re. his drinking.

I have refused since two months ago to be the one that takes all the numerous wine bottles to the recycling. This was something I did twice a week and always made me very angry.

It has had no effect on his level of drinking whatsoever however.

Snorbs · 17/02/2010 11:00

Has it made you less angry?

autumnlight · 17/02/2010 11:04

I think it is hard with an alcoholic like my H, he is a high-functioning (job wise) alcoholic.

His drinking is done at home. It does not affect his ability to perform and hold down a very well paid position at Director level.

His work is important to him. It is what defines him. And he is able to carry on doing it with no consequences from his drinking.

The affect has been in the home only and he has always been able to do the work he wants - which, apart from the alcohol, is his main interest in life.

autumnlight · 17/02/2010 11:11

And, unfortunately, his attitude towards this has always been - so what if I am an alcoholic.

An attitude like this really requires the partner (me) to detach as he 'really' does not care at all about it.

Tanee58 · 17/02/2010 13:38

Autumn, I made the same decision re the wine bottles. We now regularly build up a kitchen full of the wretched things until he does a mass clear out. I refuse to fill my car boot with the evidence of his disease. I had hoped that seeing the empties would make him realise exactly how much he gets through in a week, but like you, it's not made a difference.

I too have a slight problem with the Higher Power stuff, and if DP was violent or nasty with the drink, I would really struggle. But again, it's comforting being with other people who understand. Just sharing stories and seeing that people CAN lead their own fulfilling lives whilst remaining with - or leaving - the alcoholic, can help. It sometimes feels a bit like being in a cult, but the 'sayings' do come in handy, I even use them at work.

chickenwings · 17/02/2010 16:35

I understand the importance of letting go ie stop monitoring their drinking, stop being involved in cleaning up or covering up, and to stop trying to control their drinking, but what how do you become emotionally detached when it does affect you personally and financially?

Also,if you go out to someone's house for a party and your DH gets wasted you can't really leave him there can you? My hosts expect me to take him away, especially in the country when there is no other transport home.

devastatedbuthopeful · 17/02/2010 16:54

Hi, just read a few postings on this thread and thought I would share my experience as the child of an alcoholic. It has probably been covered before but I have not long joined MN.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, he was a lovely, very charming, charismatic man, with a job that meant the world to him and he had many friends, who didn't know the true man. But I can remember him falling down stairs, being verbally abusive to my mother, driving whilst drunk and picking me up from friends houses, how scary that was, thumping people who looked at him the wrong way etc etc.
He also cheated on my mum over the years and eventually she left him and remarried. His drinking got worse and I would call round to see him and have to peer through the windows to see where he was before knocking on the door. He would be asleep on the floor, sometimes naked, or in his undies. I had to lie to my children about their grandad not being in for them to visit. I couldn't trust him to look after them sometimes. One of my DC's actually told me that he had alcopops in his glove compartment in the car when they were in with him.
Anyway, these are a few incidents over the years, he tried AA and said they were a waste
of time, he always claimed he didn't need them and could leave the drink alone. He sadly is no longer with us, he died at the wheel of his car of a heart attack, of course he was many times over the limit.
I think of him every day but cannot forgive his behaviour as much as I loved him.
Please, please, get help for the sake of yourselves and your children.

Snorbs · 18/02/2010 00:14

autumnlight, the bottom line is this. He has made it abundantly clear that he won't stop drinking. That is his decision to make.

Your decision is whether a life with an actively drinking alcoholic is good enough for you and your children or not.

If you decide it is something you can live with then practising detachment from the effects of their drinking will reduce your stress levels. It won't stop the drinking, it won't make everything ok. Active alcoholics are fundamentally selfish and, to them, everyone else plays a distant second place to the booze. What detachment will do is to help you drag your attention off of him and his boozing and back onto what you want from life and how you can get it.

If you decide that life with an active alcoholic is not for you then you know what you need to do.

One other thing I will say - alcoholism is progressive and the physical and psychological damage caused is cumulative. My ex has been drinking heavily for 20 years or so. For the first 15 of those years she was a "high-functioning" alcoholic, holding down serious jobs and fooling nearly everyone. The last few years, though, have seen a dramatic downturn to the extent that now she can't hold a job for more than a few months at a stretch. Today's high-functioning alcoholic is tomorrow's low-functioning one.

Snorbs · 18/02/2010 00:21

"but what how do you become emotionally detached when it does affect you personally and financially?"

Emotional detachment is all about stopping someone else's problems affecting you personally. I'm not saying it's easy, but it can be done. Financially, then maybe one option is to find ways of becoming financially independent from them.

As for going to people's houses and them getting tragically drunk then the most simple way of dealing with it is to just go by yourself. To look at it another way, what is it about driving him home when he's drunk that is so unacceptable to you?

chickenwings · 18/02/2010 19:24

@Snorbs - good advice about detachment but I still find it hard. Ahead of me I have some tough decisions to make.

In the meantime, I am working on separating our finances as much as possible.

As you say, I could go out by myself or not join him. That is probably the only real solution because I usually end up having to drag him away from friends because he never wants to leave and just wants to keep drinking. Ideally, I would be able to go home when I please and stop being the one who is always having to be responsible.

Snorbs · 19/02/2010 09:24

Detachment is hard. Particularly if you're still in a relationship with the person whose drinking you're trying to emotionally detach from.

Detachment like this is not something that you have to do in "normal" relationships. A healthy relationship will have a degree of detachment as it's part of mutual respect and an appreciation that each person is an individual and their own responsibility.

But emotional detachment where you completely withdraw from a major part of the other person's life (and for an alcoholic booze is the central part of their life that distorts everything else) is something that is only needed where there are deep problems. And emotional detachment like this isn't even about fixing those problems, it's more a self-preservation thing to help you avoid the worst of the drama and chaos that someone else's alcoholism brings with it.

"Ideally, I would be able to go home when I please and stop being the one who is always having to be responsible."

That sounds entirely reasonable. And this shows exactly the kind of thing to detach from - you don't have to be responsible for him and his choices. You choose to take that responsibility upon yourself. He's a grown-up; ultimately he's his own responsibility.

If your friends have seen what he's like when he's smashed then they may well understand why you'd like to see them without him around. Alternatively, if they get funny about it, tell them that if he gets drunk and wants to stay that you will leave him for them to deal with - ie, you refuse to take responsibility for him. Or if he gets nasty, you could call the police and let them deal with him.

Ready4anothercoffee · 28/02/2010 22:14

Hello how is everyone?

doing ok here, up and down, natch.

had a meeting at cafcass last tues. Because i had the dds with me, and dd1 is very aware she gave m her notes on her meeting with xh the day before. I am so angry he continues spout the same crap. He denies all dv, says i am vindictive, spiteful, a crap mother, mentally unstable, sel f harmed throughout the relationship, that i deliberatly stuck a knife in my leg... I got myself worked up into a real state these last few days, ...tbc

Ready4anothercoffee · 28/02/2010 22:21

... It looks that they want to have a finding of fact because it is only my word against his. Which means reliving everything. I am so scared that they will decide that i have made it all up. So scared that it will be decided that he was right and i won't believed.

So fingers crossed, i will keep everyone posted.

wishing everyone a peaceful evening x

secretsquirrel1 · 09/03/2010 17:04

Hi everyone - haven't checked in for a while.
Well.....I've now signed on the line - the house is all mine! I've paid EH off and I feel like I'm walking on air....it has been a long time coming (almost a year since we were in Court - can you believe that?) but now I'm finally out in the sunshine (manic ).

How is everyone else?

How did things go for you, Ready?

red37 · 20/03/2010 15:19

Hi everyone

how you all doing?

congrats secretsquirrel

My life is up and down...still a mixed bag of emotions really

I signed my divorce petition yesterday and reading through it just emphasised what a misery I was living with my children..I could not go back to that misery.

Al anon has been a huge help for me too, the higher power stuff I am not getting to grips with but everything else seems to make sense.

good luck to everyone!

secretsquirrel1 · 24/03/2010 13:40

Well done Red!

I know what you mean about the HP stuff - it didn't help that I already had 'issues' with the 'God' thing before Al Anon, and I got cross every time I saw it/heard it mentioned.

So I chose to ignore that side of things and to focus on taking steps to make my life and that of DD's more bearable.

3 years down the line I do have a different view of it - but is that because my life is so much better and I can give it more of my time to understand it?

I don't know the answer to that one, to be honest. Lots of things have happened and yes, I could say that it was 'the workings of the HP' - but then again, it could just be co-incidence.

Now I'm over all the main shit, I have some time to myself where I really need to file all the correspondence from the divorce....and I'm not looking forward to it in the least. But it has to be done and boxed up. I have it all piled up in bags in my bedroom (how bad Fung Shui is that, ha ha!).

I'm off to a spa next week and to shop for clothes....how decadent!!

Ready4anothercoffee · 27/03/2010 00:45

Hello all!

fantastic news ss and red 4nd a spa! How lovely

court went ok. Judge referred it back as he is keen for a report on the interaction between xh and dc, which we did last mon. As usual, he turned up with bags of haribo, so an hour later all 3 were being foul.
so now I have to wait for a report by cafcass, possiably needing to see ds before then. Back in court in a month , really hoping his requests are denied.

how's everyone else? Wishing you all peace

secretsquirrel1 · 30/03/2010 17:50

Well I've bought a Spring/Summer wardrobe (thanks to 2 marvellous personal shoppers in J. Lewis) - though can't see me getting into them just yet (it's p...... down here & it's cold. Normal for Easter it seems, these days!)

All set for the spa tomorrow .....so I don't mind the weather.

D'you know what? My heating packed up over the weekend - even that couldn't make me miserable (I just lit the fire instead!). It's being fixed tomorrow - so life will be just grand when I get back on Thursday, Hurrah!

Fingers x'd for you in a months' time, Ready. Thank God you're out of that horrible dark place that you were in before. Let the Haribo thing go - just think, 'This Too Shall Pass'- out of their systems soon enough....

Yes, how is everyone else doing?

brightongirldownunder · 06/04/2010 16:37

Hi everyone

Haven't been around much recently, but just thought i'd pop in. Am moving back tothe UK in June. DH is still completely in denial about his addiction but I'm going to give him the ultimate decision - give up dope or stay in Sydney. He filled the house with exhaled smoke earlier, which made me lose it, but in general I'm much stronger knowing that i'll have family and friends to back me up.
I'm so taken aback by some of you on here, what you've had to go through is unbelievable and makes my story quite irrelevant.
However its a relief to voice off on here and not be recognised. Thanks so much for keeping this thread alive.

Calyx · 22/04/2010 11:34

Hiya

I'm at the gp waiting doran appt and am posting on my phone. Dh can't stop drinking when he starts but doesn't drink for weeks at a time. Last week he was drunk when I came home from work, pretended he had none, while falling on his arse and being horrible. I got angry at him following me about the house and trying to start arguments so I pushed him out the bedroom door, tried to hit him in frustration. He grabbed me round the neck, hit me, I'm bruised. Never done that before. Kicked him out until next day. That was last wed. No drink since then and said 'sorry' but since then no acknowledgement and rolls eyes when I say I'm still upset.

I've broken down twice at work and been sent home. Today my boss said to go to gp and get signed off work or my sick absences will trigger a disciplinary (had throat op this year plus vomiting bugs and work in nhs so have to be off if you vomit). I don't know what to do.

Just married last aug and together since 2001, got married because decided to ttc. Still not pg but feel stupid. Sister and boss say dh has drink problem, in denial and this will escalate. Dh says mountain out of molehill and I'm being psycho allowing myself to get upset. He will probably be angry with me for leaving work today because he hasn't been drinking so why am I upset.

I keep remembering last week and do not want to put myself through this. But I love him plus want children before it's too late, I'm 38.

Help please am I being stupid.

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