SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

All I would say is that when I stopped buying alcohol when I went shopping I was absolutely dreading the response when I got back....and do you know? There was no response. There was no arguing.....

He said "haven't you forgotten something?"
I said "yes, babywipes". Left it at that.

It's the fear of more insanity that manipulates us to keep buying it.

When you go shopping next time and he asks you to buy it, have plan A ready....Yes, I did forget to buy something (make it anything but Alcohol)-deliberately forget to buy something else to make it easier for you to say it convincingly.

If he makes an issue about you not specifically buying the alcohol then it's plan B. All you have to say is something like....

"Yes, that's right. I didn't buy any. If you want it, I can't stop you from buying it, but I'm not buying alcohol any more"

Practice saying that to be strong and believable, because he thinks that you'll carry on buying to make it calmer at home, so no boats are rocked.

I have been there and done it, so can you.

And yes, that means you going without it in the house. Don't think you're being clever by buying it for yourself and 'depriving him' - if you want it, get it elsewhere.

Don't be looking to see where it's hidden, either. Don't pour it down the sink when you do. They will always have more stashed away.

Don't quantify/explain/say anything else - Do Not Engage in Dialog. Subject Closed. Move On. Alcoholics will twist your words, they will have you doing the inexcusable, believing the most ridiculous things.

Good Luck - oh and Happy New Year to New You's....It Will Get Better, please believe me

One of the things that took me a while to "get" was that I am allowed to not engage in conversation when I don't want to.

I think secretsquirrel has this exactly right - just don't buy the booze and then don't engage in the debate about it. You're right in saying that he would then just go and buy it but that's not your responsibility - that's putting his choices back onto him, where they belong.

While I do know the temptation to choose the easy way out in an attempt to keep the peace, doing so will just keep things the same. One phrase that often went around my local Al-Anon group was "Nothing changes if nothing changes".

I stopped buying alcohol about a year before I left, so about june 2008. I knew everytime i came back without i ran the risk of the consequences, as my stbxh is also violent. Because i couldn't keep any money in the house i did my shopping online which prevented a lot of problems.

Been chewing over this for the last week, but wondered what you people think.. When my parents heard I wouldn't be able to come into the area because of my stbxh's behaviour,

...They invited him to christmas dinner instead mum justifies it because he is her grandchildrens father, and it is prob the only decent meal he l get. Dad later told me that he seems to be truly remorseful, and seemd genuinely tearful that he wasn't to be seeing rthe dc on christmas day. Yeah right, he's spent the day charming them with what they'd lie to hear, now the vibes i'm getting is that they think i ought to give him another chance. No #@$#ing way.

After that, happy new year [Fsmile]

hi everyone

ineed..drove to the al-anon meeting but just stayed in the car and cried(you are possibly all thinking that "You silly woman" i felt to upset to go in but I am determined to go to the next one which is on Monday evening.

I can sort of get to grips with the non confrontational and less accusational thing but in my sitiuation ex would follow me round the house goading me for arguements out of thin air esp when the children were in bed, many times I had to get out of the house, go shopping, walk the dog just to avoid the arguements.

I have been there where many ppl have been into the buying of alcohol for the partners also, it just used to go in the shopping trolley..beers and red wine mainly, it became this habit but at that time I actually never faced his drinking problem, so sad as it may sound, it was the norm to just get it for him.
tbh I stopped getting his alcohol about 12 months ago but was never questioned by him as to why I stopped getting it.

As selfish as it may seem, but I can now sit in my own living room without the fear of the nit picking which went on, on a daily basis, the put downs, the tantrums, strops, its been difficiult to find any good that happened, the drinking controlled me also and over the past 2 years the resentment for him and the drinking surfaced

I am a bag of mixed emotions atm, guilty for asking him to leave, resentment, our vows meant a great deal to me and I feel a failure as a wife, deep down I also know he has to want to give the drinking up himself.

I hope this post makes some sense, just putting it all down on here is theraputic at times..hope 2010 is better for everyone x

Name changed - used to be ineedalifelaundry.

Red - glad to hear that you have been to alanon (even though you didn't go in! The intention is there and you will do it on Monday I'm sure) I know you will find it a big help. I felt quite envious when I saw what you wrote about sitting in your own living room without fear of his moods. My DH is very unpredictable just now, bordering on depression because he is out of work, and he is starting to have digs at me. This morning it was his disgust about the amount of butter I was spreading on my toast. So - the alcoholic has a go at me for excess consumption of something I don't need.

I will be going to alanon tomorrow. I know he is going to have a go at me about it. He will say he's already stopped drinking and there's no need for me to go. But he hasn't stopped (said he would for new year but drank last night. Don't know what he plans to do tonight yet) But I'm determined to stand firm and go.

Ready I feel upset on your behalf about your exh going to your parents for Christmas. They really haven't grasped the situation at all have they? It would be nice if families would be supportive of us when we go through life with an addict but my experience of family support has been patchy so far. I told my dad what was going on after 10 years of hiding it and 6 months on he seems to have completely forgotten, plying my H with wine, whiskey and god knows what else over the christmas period. My sisters (who live far away but we are emotionally close) know there's a problem but it's like the elephant in the room. If I talk about it they're sympathetic enough, nod and listen, but they NEVER ask me how it's going.

I think ultimately we are on our own with this problem. Our families, however much they love us, if they haven't lived with an alcoholic they can't possibly understand what it's like. The only people who do understand are those who have been in similar situations. That's why I find this thread, and alanon, such lifelines.

Happy new year everyone - here's to a positive (and mutually supportive) 2010

Red I often wrote posts like yours. His moods terrified me. If you read back a year ago i expect my posts read very similar. Give yourself time, your pov will change, don't let the guilt creep in, because ultimatly you have to save yourself and your dc, before the alcohol destroys you all.

I a absoloutly livid with my parents. Do they think I am exaggerating? This isthe man who has hit, slapped punched stabbed their daughter (me), and they reckon he's genuinly remorseful?

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

If he was that fucking remorseful he'd return th childrens stuff. We'd be living safely in our home town, not an hour away from our friends. Bastard .

Good luck at al anon, be brave, no one will judge you.

hope everyone else is ok.

Oops

Oops

thank you for your responses earlier. This holiday has been challenging to say the least. he was, of course, bladered NYE. NY night he abstained...last night he shared a bottle of wine with me, then dissappeared...into his office, where he polished off some brandy - dont no how much, because it was a hidden bottle and now its empty and could have been drunk over the course of the holiday too.

But something snapped inside me. I told him I could not continue, and said we need to make arrangements for him to move out.

He was too pissed to talk about it last night. We are planning to talk later - he is at football with DS thismorning

I have such mixed emotions. My fear of being on my own is so great. My love for him is still intact. I pity and despise him in equal measure.

Everyone knows he is a drunk. Me, the kids, his folks, his friends, my frends. We don't go out any more, we don't get invited anywhere because I am always embarrased and he is a arse. I dont dare invite friends here for a dinner party as he become such a knob (eg filling his own glass over and over and ignoring the empty glasses of our guests).

The other night, my little boy got up for a wee at about 11, and then was subjected to a 20 minute rambling repetitive slurred lecture on what he had done wrong at a paricular event....FFS he is 9 yo!! leave him be!

im so tired. Im so fed up of holding it all together. I just want it to be over. In an ideal world, my lovely hubby will give up the booze, go to AA, become a husband again. In RL, I now accept that it will never happen. Now I have to make plans to protect my kids. I am so sad. Im scared that i will accept his promises (again) to get it under control. Everytime I have have that promise broken, another part of me dies a litle. Im like a whipped puppy that keeps going back for he love and afecton I need. I hate myself for that.

shongololo

NO more sharing wine with this man, this is enabling behaviour on your part. Enabling him as you have done neither helps him nor you. You cannot drink alcohol with an alcoholic.

Make the arrangements today for him to move out and stick to them. You need to be strong too for your children. Whilst he is out you can pack a bag for him, he will find somewhere to go.

I have no doubt at all that you love him but his primary relationship is now with drink. Everything and everyone else does not figure at all.

Words too are cheap, its actions that matter. He is not serious about wanting to address the issues surrounding his drink problem. Let him go.

You are NOT repeat NOT responsible for him. Only for your own self and by turn your children.

With alcoholism the whole family need support. If you have not already done so please talk to Al-anon.

Being on your own is part of the great unknown and it is understandable that you are scared but it is better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. You have all been dragged down by him.

You need to get off the merry go around too that is alcoholism because you're caught up in it. You are currently living a half life, you have no real happy existance with him. Your own social life is now non existant because of him. You owe that much to your children as well, seeing a drunk parent in their day to day lives does them no favours whatsoever.

atilla, I know you are right. I know. Im just not sure Im able to go yet. Im at the very beginning of my journey, with that horrible sickening realisation that its same old same old with my DH.

Ive looked up the local chapter of Alanon, and will be heading that way on Wednesday. Im terrified. In the meantime, I have to have THAT conversation with DH - the one where he will be all reasonable and make all those promises and assure me he will change. ANd I in turn will believe him because I love him and I want t believe it. I am a Christian who took vows and I don't know if i can bail out becase the going is tough. I just don't know. I don't know what I should do for the best. I am dying inside.

"In the meantime, I have to have THAT conversation with DH - the one where he will be all reasonable and make all those promises and assure me he will change."

Just as a thought-experiment, what would happen if you chose not to have "that" conversation? What would be different?

snorbs, nothing. It would improve slighty over a few weeks and we would be back to this point by easter.