SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Secretsqirrel...I see your point but i honestly cannot communicate with him..its like he is so protecting the drink...the only conversation I am getting is F off you twt when we speak...btw I have hid this problem for many years myself, now I have exposed it...all guns are blazing on me iyswim..

Its like something clicked with me the other week, not sure why it did at that time(think finding more empties did that)...I dont want my marriage to end as I will always deep down love him but i have told him that i would be there for him if the drinking stopped(his drinking will kill him if he doesnt stop)

I just want to wake up out of this nightmare

also I dont know who my husband is anymore

Hi Red-I do sympathise, truly I do. I have been there too as have all of us. But you answered your own question by saying that:

"I dont want my marriage to end as I will always deep down love him but i have told him that i would be there for him if the drinking stopped"

Hi everyone

Red - My DH's family also believe that alcoholics sleep on park benches. It's laughable. DH is suprisingly open about his problem - he has told his best friends that he's an alcoholic and I was there when he told his sister. Her reaction - "don't be daft lad, alcoholics drink all day from when they first get up in the morning." He really did try to convince her but she wasn't having it. And btw, she doesn't really drink herself so it wasn't down to denial of her own problem, because she hasn't got one (iyswim). Of course, their parents drank themselves drunk every night and that was the norm in their house as they grew up. DH's brother drinks every night too but is definitely in denial of having a problem (not that I'd dare suggest to BIL that he's an alcoholic). So my DH is really quite enlightened. He knows he has a problem. He's readily acknowledged it for maybe 4 or 5 years now. He just can't face doing anything about it. He thinks he can 'cut down' rather than give it up completely. But he is in a daily battle with himself about it.

I emailed al-anon last night and they replied. I plan on going to a meeting on Saturday afternoon. Now I just need to tell DH. Not sure what he'll say.

Red - when the alcoholic 'behaviour' starts getting really bad, it is like trying to talk English to a Chinaman! You cannot understand him and he certainly doesn't understand you. And that is what makes it such a nightmare....

The behaviour you describe is what all of us have had to deal with at some time or other. It is like living with Jekyll & Hyde - you never know what you are going to encounter.

But you are starting to 'detatch' from the alcoholic behaviour which is excellent-you are recognising that the 'alcoholic behaviour' is separate to the that of your H.

Try emailing al-anon like Ineed did.....

Ok, so I told DH I was planning to go to an alanon meeting this weekend. He went very quiet, then just said "I don't want to talk about it, you obviously do want to so you can do what you want." He looked really unhappy about it and when I said he didn't look happy about it he said "That's because you think the problem is much worse than I do."

Not too sure what to make of this. Seems like he's more in denial than I'd thought.

But he didn't buy any wine in the supermarket today, which means he doesn't intend to drink tonight. It's still highly likely he'll cave in and go to the corner shop later.

He's been really quiet and serious looking all day- ever since that conversation this morning.

No-what you need to say is that His Drinking Is Affecting You. Incidentally, he may think that all you will do is talk about his drinking - well no, that is not what happens in Al Anon. We don't talk about the alcoholic.

Of course he's gone quiet and serious - his house of cards is coming crashing down because you are doing something about the intolerable life you are having to deal with right now.

Of course he hasn't bought wine ....you need to wise up; you will never ever outwit an alcoholic

....and he is just waiting to get in there with you giving him another chance - after all, he isn't really that bad (more denial). It will be like living with an octopus - you won't know where the next tentacle is coming from!

Well whatever - but you need to start looking after yourself instead of spending all of your energies on him. it's far too exhausting. Get yourself off the merry-go-round and start living again. Your changed attitudes may help him to find his recovery - you can't tell him what he needs to do, only he can do it for himself.

As predicted, he went to corner shop.

Was chatting with dh last night and he was explaining how entrenched his denial was. He said that the turning point for him was when I was going to Alanon for a while and starting to understand detachment. He said that when I stopped nagging and begging him to stop drinking and just left him to it he didn't know what was happening or what to do. I had to detach....holding on was killing me. Someone shared at our meeting the other night about one of the slogans "Let go and Let God" She said she had seen it rewritten as "Let go or be dragged"!! I could so relate to that, I was being dragged along by a runaway horse, but I couldn't let go. When I finally did the horse kept running for a while but eventually came to a halt. Ineed...of course he doesn't want you going to Alanon. He is bound to be defensive and afraid of you doing anything to rock the boat and challenge his drinking. All that not buying wine to prove a point is just controlling by a different name. Don't make an issue about going. You are an adult and entitled to get whatever help and support you need. I really hope you go to the meeting, you will get help there. BUT keep going back...it won't make a lot of sense for the first few weeks and there will be a temptation to think that means it's not for you. Don't compare your story with ones that are much worse and feel that your life isn't that bad,,,it's all relative and if it feels bad to you it is bad.
Welcome to all the newbies BTW

Hi everyone

Secretsquirral- I am taking your good advice and backing off divorce procedeings, I have been so consumed with him and the drinking for some time now and feel I need some space away from that.

Dh called to pick up ds(4) last night as he stayed overnight at the grandparents...omg I was shocked as he asked me if I was ok for everything including money..as in the past I have paid and faced all responsibilies on my own with my income and the tax credits whilst he spent money on drink.

I told him that I informed the tax credits that he had left and I was now claiming as a single parent, he was so in .
He thought we would seperate for a couple of weeks and he would be back before xmas.I was so relieved when the conversation didnt turn into a full blown tantrum from his side.
He openly told me that he consumed more alcohol this week then ever before..I am not begging or nagging anymore as I used to.

ineed-I am going to an al anon on Monday...keep us posted as to how it went.

Can I join this thread? My situation sounds so similar to some of you and it's only in the last week I've finally accepted my DH has a drink problem (found empties in the bin twice after him being at home all afternoon)

Today has been a nightmare. We were both meant to be taking my DD to stay with family for a bit over the holidays but due to a minor tiff last night, DH took the huff and decided he wasn't coming with us. I did the 4 hour round trip by myself and have just come back and found an empty half bottle of spirits in the bin (again).

Having paced the house for half an hour crying I plucked up courage to phone al-anon and to be honest that has made things worse. I spoke to this woman whose only realy suggestion was going to a meeting (impossible due to venue and timings) or going to my doctor. I thought they might one to one telephone counselling or something but obviously not - I could hear the relief in her voice when ended the converstion.

I'm even more desperate than before as I was really hoping al-anon could offer me something after all the positive things I've seen on here

Hello milkmoney and welcome.

I sympathise about the venue / timing issues for alanon. That has prevented me from going to a meeting for months. In the end, I just had to pick the one that was least difficult to reorganise my life around and go. It meant being totally upfront with DH about where I was going (gave him several days warning too) because he had to look after dd while I was out. It also meant disrupting our favourite family day together (Sunday) when we normally visit relatives or have nice trips out.

Anyway I've been to my first meeting today and it was worth the disruption. I didn't say much but I will definitely be going again. It felt amazing to be with people who will listen, won't judge, will understand, and don't have anything to do with my real life. I am working on getting my head around the first part of step 1 'we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol'. This basically means there is nothing I can do to stop dh from drinking.

Milkmoney, if you really can't get to a meeting (although I truly urge you to find a way) please feel free to post all your troubles on this thread. I have been doing that lately and I must say it's been very therapeutic. I'm sorry you found the helpline so unhelpful. I haven't rung it so I don't know if your experience is the norm.

Red - good luck with your meeting tomorrow. I'm glad you've decided to stop divorce proceedings - it was all moving too quickly. You need time to breathe.

Is it possible that your dh wanted to stay home today just so he would be able to drink? Has he acknowledged there is a problem? How is your relationship aside from this?

Sorry, that last paragraph of questions was aimed at milkmoney

thanks INALL

I will look at the timings of meetings again but I just can't even imagine having the conversation about DH about where I'd be going. I've got a bit of a mental block at the moment around Christmas coming up so need to get through that and keep it good for DD - after that though it feels like I will need to do something as I can't go through another year like this.

In terms of today - I think it's a vicious circle. He went in a sulk over very little last night but because his moods seem so up and down (presumably due to alcohol) he tends to blow things up into major issues and so by this morning he was still tense and therefore presumably wanted to stay at home, have a drink and make himself even more bloody miserable.

Sorry - have moved from the crying to the angry stage now!

will definately keep in touch through this forum, thank you so much

Milkmoney Alanon is a totally non-professional fellowship, so the person you spoke to would have just been a member who volunteered her time to answer phone calls. I am sorry you found her unhelpful but please don't let it put you off trying to get to a meeting. I have directed a few people to the on-line meetings before and they found them helpful. The website is stepchat.com I found it fantastic for when I couldn't get out to a meeting. I agree with INALL btw re your dh picking a row to have an excuse to stay home and drink. My dh used to do that sort of thing when he was drinking.
INALL...I am glad you found the meeting so good. I remember my first one and the 1st step was such a revelation to me too. I felt as if a huge responsibility had been lifted off me. I can't recommend Alanon enough it has turned our lives around.

Thanks - I'll definately try the online session as I really feel I need to talk to others, even if not in RL

So, I'm going to my second alanon meeting tonight. DH doesn't know yet _ I think he's hoping I've forgotten all about it. He probably thinks I have as I have made not one single comment this week about his drinking in an attempt to detach. It's still going on in my head though, counting bottles etc. So I've still some way to go.

Meanwhile he is still drinking, more than usual in fact. He stayed out last night (pre-arranged) and said he was only having a couple and he'd be back first thing in the morning. Well he's not here and I haven't heard from him so he is most likely still sleeping it off at his mate's house. I'm not sure I even care very much right now. Maybe I do, I'm just so used to it.

Meanwhile, I look after our DD full time, and the one and only night out I had in the whole of 2009, he rang me just before 10pm saying he couldn't get dd to sleep and I had to come home now. I really do resent that.

Ok, I think maybe I feel angrier than i thought I did! I'm going to put dd in the pram and take the dog out now. That usually makes me feel much calmer.

Well dh rolled home mid afternoon like that's normal. No explanation.

Unfortunately the snow has been really bad here so I didn't go to alanon. It's a 20 mile drive. Will go next week if the weather is ok.

Ineed - well done you for getting to your first meeting . Next time you manage to get to Alanon, ask for a phone no. of one of the other people there. Explain that you need support when you cannot make it.

It is entirely normal to have feelings of extreme anger, resentfulness and bitterness.

Suddenly the blinds are off and you see the situation for what it really is. And you feel like a complete mug for being taken in for so long....as the fact that you went rushing off back home because he couldn't get DD to sleep! Enough!!!

Next time you go out, make sure you have a plan B & C in place - like someone else looking after your DD. Can't she go for a sleepover at a friends?

If he makes a scene about you doing that next time, don't rise to it. Don't carp on about him ruining your only night out by calling you back, (or about him strolling in without so much as a by your leave) - for a start, he won't remember what happened. Just tell him what you are going to do then smile sweetly then either change the subject or just leave - you do not need to enter into any dialog. You certainly do not need to feel obliged to explain every last thing to him.

You are starting to detatch by not commenting on bottles etc. Well done - keep practising. Make it into a game. That was the only way I managed it - the more vile he was the more I would turn everything in to an opposite...like he was complementing me instead of being vicious and spiteful. At the end of the day, you are detatching from the behaviour, not the person.

You need to try to focus on yourself and your life now and stop worrying about the consequences of putting yourself first for a change. It's so liberating once you start, believe me. Stop counting bottles, stop looking for them. You will never ever outwit an alcoholic.

Milkmoney, please CAT me if you need help.

How is everyone else?

We are having a quiet Xmas at home with my mother - still waiting for my remortgage to go through, so have to watch the pennies. But at the end of the day, we will have a lovely time without any madness. And you sure don't need money for peace and quiet!!

We had a tough weekend here but thank God no drinking. Dh got his holidays from work on Friday and was very cranky as he was remembering when he could start the holidays with a good session. At least he is honest enough now to admit he finds it hard. I have started doing some personal counselling as I am training to be a counsellor and some of the stuff coming up for me has left me very unsettled, so not a good combination for Christmas cheer! We were like a pair of very snappy terriers here on Saturday biting each other's heads off for the slightest things. I was as much at fault as he was TBH. Anyway dd1 (15) told us to cop on we were upsetting everyone...nothing like your kids to tell things how they are eh?! We had a chat and I think we are both more settled again. Christmas brings out a lot in us both, dh with his struggles and me with my memories. Today I am just grateful for all we have and I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas and I wish the same for all of you.

How do you move on after calling it quits with your H? I couldn't hack it anymore and told my H I wouldn't be trying to fix it (the relationship) anymore. he had his last chance, knew all the 'rules' etc and chose to break them. I refuse to be blamed for any of it anymore. I will go it alone.

But.. How?

I don't know the answer to your question melted as I haven't been where you are right now. But I wanted you to know I'd seen your post and I'm thinking of you.

Believe in yourself. Because of your h's addiction, you've probably already been solely in charge of running your family's day to day life anyway, so in that respect, you know you can cope alone. In fact, it will probably be easier to cope without him draining your emotions and resources.

I think you just need to take it one day at a time. Don't think about next week, next month, next year. Every morning just say to yourself that you can get through THIS day, and you need to do XYZ (go to supermarket, make that phonecall, do the washing, for example) and you will getthrough that day. Let tomorrow take care of itself.

I don't know if any of that is useful. Like I said, I'm thinking of you. And I'm sure some of the others, who are further along this road than you are, will be along soon with better words of wisdom than mine.

I broke everything down into small managable bits,
-fincially, i applied for income support (takes approx 6 weeks to come through) and informed child tax credits

• pratically, i sorted somewhere to live, i couldn't remove him from the house, and because of his violence i fled to a refuge. From there we applied to the housin register and are now just waiting.

-emotionally. Prepare for every ruse going to persuade you to go back. It's all crap.

been out 6/12 now, will think of some more...

my ds has started to notie my dh's drinking. We watched an episode of road wars today with a chap ranting and raving and drunk as a skunk - ds unprompted said it was like dad.

i told DH what he had said, sending DH into a big strop.

I told DH that I was sick of talking to him about it, but now its affectig the kids and he needs to make a choice - its them or the booze.

I have no hope that this will have any effect whatsoever, but now my kids are aware, I think it may give me the impetus I need to leave him. Im so sick of second chances, im so sick of a broken marriage that revolves around him and his next bottle, Im so sick of a sexless marriage as he is always too pissed, im sick of the broken promises.

I can only pray that this will get through to his drink addled brain.