SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hi MH & welcome to the thread.

Thanks for your kind thoughts, Ginnny. Pleased to hear that DP is being helpful....very much one day at a time; make the most of it - why oh why can't it be like that all the time?

Yes - calling Ready?

BUMP!

Hi. I started a thread here and lu told me about this thread. Hope you don't mind me barging in. Will have a read through this and your first one if that's ok.

Hi Hecates, just had a look at your other thread, you are very welcome here. What you said about intruding made me smile - alcoholics are alcoholics, and those who live with them face all sorts. I don't think anyone here thinks in terms of degrees of alcoholism. True, it's a progressive disease, but this only means that its effects are also progressive for us around the alcoholic.

I really second what many people, including Ludog, told you - go to Al-Anon. You cannot really change him, but you can change and help yourself and your kids. He may or may not take the cue, don't pin your hopes on that and concentrate on what's best for you and yours. Yup, easier said that done, I know, but if you read this thread and the previous one a bit, you'll see we've all been/are on the same road. You'll always find support and sensible advice here, I hope you stay with us.

DH is still with AA and things are OK. Still working hard at it, dealing with ups & downs and trying to keep perspective on things. It's been six months now, the longest I've ever seen him sober! I'm taking DS on a week holiday to see my family abroad in a few weeks time - my uncle has been diagnosed with lung cancer and is having an op them, so I really want to be there to support my mum, they've always been very close and I love the big fellow very much indeed . DH doesn't want to put his sobriety to the test by coming... I knew that much, so I never expected him to and it's not a problem.

How's everyone else? Is this one of those times when people are not posting because a) nothing much is going on, or b) so much is going on it's a right muddle and it hurts to write about it?

Hoping it's the former... Keep on keeping on.

Hello Hecates - don't be silly. You aren't barging in. I'll have a read of your thread in a minute.
I've not been on here lately because nothing much is going on. DP is being great - he has the odd wobble now and again, but on the whole we are getting on well and he is much more self aware and if he feels the need to 'go off on his own for a few days' then I let him get on with it. His birthday is coming up and for the first time I'm not dreading it. I know he'll go for a drink but he'll spend time with us first and then its up to him.
It wouldn't suit everyone but I've found a way to deal with it that seems to make everyone happy.
Your DH is doing brilliantly Snowie, and its good that he is aware enough to know his trigger points and to avoid them.
Anyone heard from Ready? Hope you are OK if you read this.

Ginny, good to hear you are well and that it is working for you and yours. Funny you mention not dreading his birthday coming up... it was our 10th wedding anniversary on Monday and I approached it in the same relaxed manner - it was fine! Strangely, that's made me look forward to Xmas (yes, I know... ) for the first time in yonks!

Hi ginnny

Attila here.

I am very glad to read that you and he are doing okay at present.

I still think though that you have sold yourself short here primarily because you are still around for him despite all the crap he has put you through (and I still remember the incident at home with the mirror). It is ultimately your choice and you do come across as being a lot happier these days than in previous times. For those reasons I am happier for you although still feel a bit uneasy.

I still think though you are worth a million of him though and he is your blind spot. You're too good for him - and always have been. Have always thought that as you've always come across and both intelligent and erudite in your posts.

With best wishes

Attila

Thanks for your honesty Attilla. Always appreciated! I guess you can't choose who you fall in love with can you? And I was so miserable when we split up last year I decided to compromise. So far its good but I will walk away if things ever get to that point again, he knows it too.

Hecate - I've read it now.
I would say go to Al Anon. You did really well on the phone call he made to you until you let him push your buttons and get the reaction he wanted.
Al Anon will help you change your reactions to his drinking and help you look after yourself.
My DP used to enjoy the binges all the more if he knew I wasn't happy or if we'd had a row. It was like forbidden fruit to him. So childish isn't it?
Now I just let him get on with it he doesn't do it half as much as he used to.

Have a look at this Hope it helps

Hi everyone, SS signing in . Wonderful to hear from you all and welcome Hecate...I have read your other thread but have refrained from commenting - so far !!

Calling Ready - hope that you are all ok.

My life is so good now that the madness has gone. For instance, after school today, my DD was able to invite her friend round (& mum!) just like that! And the sky has been blue and the sun has shone - and I'm off to a wedding on Fri and 2 nights in a very posh hotel. I can't wait!!

As for the exH - well he is getting really bad now. The death of his brother is going to be the death of him too at this rate.

He has also just started to break arranged weekends - he said that the family had been invited away for two weekends on the day of the funeral.

Once upon a time I'd've snapped that normal people would've checked that there were no other commitments first, but my Al Anon head accepts that he isn't going to react like a normal person.....however, whilst it is sad about what happened to his brother, he has been told that he has to think of DD and he has to put her first (though we all know that only after the bottle will she be first )!

thanks ginny.

ss1, by all means, let me have it!

He's still saying no more. But he's at the beginning of his loop, iyswim. no drinking - odd drink - binge a few times - disappear a few times - decide to stop - odd drink - etc etc

I guess I just have to see how long it takes.

Thing is, he shows no signs of missing alcohol when he's on one of his "breaks". Which confuses me because I would have thought someone with a drink problem would be edgy and craving it all the time?

Hecates

re your comments:-

"He's still saying no more. But he's at the beginning of his loop, iyswim. no drinking - odd drink - binge a few times - disappear a few times - decide to stop - odd drink - etc etc

I guess I just have to see how long it takes".

Think you'll be waiting a long time, if not the rest of your days frankly. As you rightly put he is in a loop, its a cycle by any other name. He is telling you what you want to hear by saying, "no more". He likely does not really mean it though and you will keep hearing similar sentiments if you ahve not already done so, it is said to keep you both quiet and acquiescent.

"Thing is, he shows no signs of missing alcohol when he's on one of his "breaks". Which confuses me because I would have thought someone with a drink problem would be edgy and craving it all the time?"

Alcoholics don't have to drink every day, he probably has developed a high tolerance to alcohol over the years - but the underlying desire to consume alcohol is still there.
I bet you a crisp £5 note as well that he badly underestimates how much he actually drinks and that he does not really feel he has a drink problem. Such people are very good at being in denial.

You cannot afford to keep enabling him by making excuses for his behaviour or covering up the consequences of his actions.

Unless he himself decides to tackle the root causes as to why his alcoholism developed there is nothing you can personally do to help him. You can only protect your own self and children you have.

You are NOT responsible for him ultimately; only your own self and your children.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did NOT cause it
You CANNOT control it
You CANNOT cure it

And the last two are probably the hardest lessons to take in. Talk to Al-anon if you have not already done so, they can and will help.

Hecates, there's a book I found through Amazon called "Under the Influence" that actually put things in perspective for me in terms of how alcoholism develops - it's written by two respected doctors. If you can, get a copy and have a read - you'll surprise yourself by how much of the alcoholic behaviour described there you'll recognise and it'll put things into context quite a lot.

There's a very good pamphlet in Alanon called "A merry-go-round called denial" It describes very accurately the cycle of drinking/bravado/crisis/rescue/remorse that we go through, in particular with binge drinkers. I couldn't believe what an accurate picture of my family life it was. It describes the cycle as a continuous 3- act play and says it will continue until one or more of the participants change how they fulfil their role.
My dh was a binge drinker, so we could have fairly good stretches of "normal" drinking. Inevitably, though it always ended in a binge and with me threatening to leave and him promising to change. It went on like that for years, but when I got help and stepped off the merry-go-round the whole picture changed. Hope everyone is doing ok. All good here, kids back at school, dh still sober (for today!) and my computer addiction growing apace!! Maybe I'll get a month in Rehab if I keep it up!!

Hi everyone!

Hecate - the main thing to recognise is that you are getting sucked into the cycle as well now. In that you are 'wondering' about how/what/where/whether the drinking is/is not happening.....

You will find that you can only really comment on what you can actually see with your own eyes. Alcoholics will lie and cheat and pull every single low down trick in the book if they think that someone is 'on to them' - they will do whatever it takes to 'maintain what they think is normality' and you are in danger of doing likewise - very much 'keeping up appearances that all is really well when deep down you know it isn't'.

My EH used to obsessively lock to bathroom door for hours on end, couldn't wait for me to go to bed first, would sometimes even get up during the night or early in the morning (in the early days of our relationship). Don't even start to look for evidence - what you find and destroy will be replaced by more.

Equally, Atilla is right about the underlying compulsion to consume alcohol; what you have to start to understand is that you are completely powerless to even think of trying to stop this compulsion. He has to hit rock bottom himself - you have to make sure that you look after yourself and that you don't fall down the pit with him.

Would it be okay if I joined you?

I have been on here before talking about my DPs problems. They don't always cause too many issues, as they seem to come and go, but its a relief to know there are other people around dealing with things similiar.

DP suffers from Anorexia, which is a big part of his problems, I'm quite sure. He is a valium addict, and smokes cannabis. He also drinks a lot.

I feel so bad saying all that, because he is such a good person, he takes the best of care of me, and he has cut down dramatically since I became pregnant, and has put on weight, which I'm so proud of him for. Its mainly the amount I worry about him that stresses me out. He gets so self destructive verbally when he's been drinking, and I can't cope with seeing him like that sometimes. I love him to pieces, and seeing him tear himself apart with his own words is so hard

He sometimes seems to know he's drinking too much, and sometimes tells me I'm over reacting when I mention it to him.

Recently he's started on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets, so he is starting to get some help. I just worry so much about him. Because of his limited calorie intake as well, the alchol goes into him a lot quicker. Some weeks it will be the occasional can or two a night, other weeks its a bottle of gin or vodka.

He's a good person, and I never feel at risk from him. He never lies to me, he just wouldn't; I trust him. He makes me laugh, and he loves me, and he treats me well. But sometimes I can't deal with the worry.

Sorry I needed to get that all out. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Hi Erika - of course you are welcome here!

It sounds like your DP has a number of issues, but you shouldn't feel bad for discussing it, it shows you care about him and your future together, it's not a betrayal, although I understand why you may feel as if it were.

I'll try to post a more sensible reply tomorrow (just got back from a funeral and have to see to DS), but the most important thing I'd like to convey to you now is that it is crucial that you look after yourself - Al-Anon would be a good starting point to start unravelling things for you and give you a perspective on your joint situation you most likely need. Please do not think of looking for this type of help as a betrayal, it is most definitely not - it is certainly the best you can do not only for yourself but also for your DP. Please keep well.

How's everyone else? Ready, wherever you are, I hope you are well and happy.

Bump!!!
Has anyone heard from Ready?
Hope she is OK.

No, I was wondering as well....how is everyone else?

Hi everyone
We are having a sad time here. One of dh's closest friends is dying from cancer. We were in the hospital with him last night and are both so heartbroken to see our lovely friend hanging on to life by a thread. Dh is so sad, but keeping strong and leaning on me and his AA friends for support through this tough time. His friend was such a support to me and the kids when dh was in rehab. Life seems very unfair sometimes doesn't it? If you are the praying type, please keep us in your prayers, if you aren't into prayer, just send us some positive thoughts, I think we will need them all over the next few days.

Ludog - so sorry to hear your news. Will be thinking of you and DH.

Thanks Ginny, he is still with us. His heart is still strong, it could be up to a week like this wondering when he will pass away. We were at the hospital again last night, it wasn't as emotional as Friday, I think we were all in shock at first as he went downhill very fast this week. There was a good few of his family and friends around his bed last night and we were chatting about all the good times and telling funny stories. He had a wicked sense of humour before he became ill. I hope he could hear all the stories, they say that your hearing is the last sense to go. It seemed strange to be laughing and joking at such a time but there will be a time for tears too. I feel we are in Limbo at the moment not knowing when the time will come. My dds are very upset too as he was like an uncle to them and they are all very fond of him. Thanks for your kind thoughts. xx

Well, L passed away yesterday. RIP. We are all a bit numb here. I am worried that dh will drink this week. Of course I can't say it to him or he will get all defensive but I am really nervous of how he will cope. The funeral is tomorrow and it is going to be tough on us all.

I'm so sorry Ludog
I hope you all get through the next week OK.
{{{{hugs}}}}