So many threads like this around.... H left me and the kids today.

[Toothache]

He came home from work, we had an argument about the dishes! He went mental (as is the norm these days). Cut a long story short, he said some disgusting and horrible things to me (in front of the kids). He told me to fuck off into another room and leave him alone.... I politely pointed out that as it was my house..... and everything in it was in my name then he should fuck off. Which he did. He asked me for the bankcard before he left (bank account is in my name only) I said NO WAY as we are going on holiday next week and didn't want him drinking our money. He said "Fine, I'll just borrow it from *** (his friend) and then we'll just ahve to pay him back". I followed him out to the driveway saying he better not go get pissed. He told me to Fuck off again, stuck his fingers up then got in the car. He locked all the doors and continues to shout and stick his fingers up as the neighbours watched on. I was so embarassed I went in the house. He drove off sticking his fingers up at the house as he went. That was at 3.30pm and I've heard nothing. He has DDs pram in the car too.

I've had enough, I want out.

He has had sexual problems recently (putting it mildly) and I shouted something about that its hard to respect someone when they can't get it up..... I know I know its a cheap shot. But her replied "No wonder, look at the thing I've got to shag!". And he means it. Bastard.

The car is even in my name!!! I thought about reporting it stoplen, but I don't have a licence and it's obvious it's a domestic issue. What do I do????

[expatinscotland]

Also, go to Relate for support.

[dinosaur]

Oh toothache honey maybe this is for the best - you've not been happy with him for a while now and you're still so young (compared with an old gimmer like me!)- maybe the time has come to try and make a new life for you and your DS and DD...I'm thinking of you xx

[bossykate]

agree with dino, toothache sweetie, you're so young you can have tons of different futures if you want them. thinking of you.

[feelingold]

Toothache- I know it is very difficult now and that you say you are not strong enough but you are. When my dh left me I was totally devastated, I just about managed to carry on with the daily chores, you know dressing dd, feeding her, having a wash , getting dressed. I lost 3 stone in weight and I slept on the sofa for about 2 weeks cos couldn't face going to bed alone and cried myself to sleep every night, I felt that my world had fallen apart and I could not cope with being alone, but I also knew deep down that I could not live with his lies any longer (he had been having an affair with my best friend).
But, you will get past this and you will cope alone and you will get stronger and the pain will ease, it just takes time. Things do get easier although you will probably not believe my now, I promise you they do, it's in some ways like working your way through a bereavement.
It's now over 6 years since my ex-h left me and I am now happily married to a fantastic and loving man who has made me very happy and we have a gorgeous ds.
Do not put up with his behaviour just because you do not want to be alone and think that you can not cope because you can. It may take a few months to get your life back together, but that's better than living a life of unhappiness with someone you no longer love or loves you.

[Toothache]

He came back again about 2 hours after he left. This time he said he was sorry and he was just trying to hurt me. He has done this before, but never stayed away over night.

Expat - He's definitely not an alcoholic. DH and I both drink in the house about 3 nights a week. But he never drinks more than 4 cans of lager. We used to drink a lot more before the kids. But we never get really drunk unless we're out. I must say I probably drink more units in a week than he does. We have both turned to drink in the past when we have been really upset. So I s'pose we're both guilty of that.

I just want to clarify that he wouldn't drink and drive btw. He was intending going out, getting pissed and staying at his friends house. In reality his friend wouldn't go to the pub with him so he sat in his house with his family (they have 2 young dd's). He left there at 6am to go to work. He left work at 8.30am and drove back through to our home town and sat in a cafe drinking coffee until he came home at 11am.

He's at work just now. I made him sleep on the sofa last night. He knows I can't trust him to not do this again. He knows I feel totally insecure with a man who can walk out without a word and stay away all night. I feel like he can hold that threat over me coz he knows I will fall to pieces. Perhaps that is the only thing he can do that makes him feel in control.

He was all over me like a rash this morning before work. Telling me how stupid he has been and assuring me that our counselling will help. He said he wants his family more than anything else. How can I believe him? I don't know what to do. I'm not strong....and I must love him to keep putting up with this. I know I'm not totally innocent, I can say and do horrible things too and I find it very difficult to apologise afterwards.... just about kills me to admit I'm wrong about anything.... so that must be hard to live with for H.

I'm drained, physically and emotionally. Went to sleep at 8.30pm last night. My eyes are still swollen from crying so don't want to go out anywhere on my bank Holiday day off. H will be home at 12.30 and says we'll have a good day and he'll try to make up for his childish and selfish behaviour. We're still going on holiday on Saturday. There was no way I wasn't going!

I'm not strong, I'm weak for not walking away or telling him not to come back. But I want my family and I want this work out. I want to try counselling (if they ever come back to me with another appointment!) and if that doesn't make things better then we really have tried everything.

Thanks for all the support here. It really means a lot. My PC keeps dying on me after I've had it on for a while so I think I'm going to buy one online now before it dies again.

[snafu]

You are not weak.

It takes a huge amount of strength and courage to keep plugging away at a difficult situation. You want this to work, you want your family to stay together and you're going to try everything you can to make that a reality. Not my idea of a weak person!

I really feel for you, Toothache. I had one that would disappear in the middle of the night, drink himself into a stupor, not tell me where he'd been when he did finally roll up. We had the same money/male ego issues, too. No trust, no security, no respect. It's hellish. I remember that drained feeling, days of trying to hold it all together in front of friends or family and then literally throwing up with the stress behind closed doors.

I really really hope the counselling works out for you. It is strong and brave to want to keep trying. But you'll know when the time comes to leave - if it ever does.

[Hermione1]

Your not weak, if anything your strong to be still there trying to put up with it.
Sorry have no advice really, hope you can work through your problems. xxx

[Munchkinola]

What a nightmare weekend you've had Toothache. I don't think you are weak at all, just absolutely worn out. Nor do I think you must love him to keep putting up with it. You sound like me in that you keep hoping it will get better and it will all get sorted out this time.

Hang in there hun, look after yourself and try to be as honest with yourself as you can. Chase that appointment and try to get some of this mess sorted out.

I'm thinking of you, you can do this, we are all here to support you.

[expatinscotland]

Aw, Toothache! I hope the counselling agency calls you back asap. It sounds like your DH would give it a go, and it'd deffo be something to try. Relate's helped a lot of couples work things out.

[whymummy]

good luck toothache,i really hope things go well for you all.try and enjoy the rest of the bank holiday and next weeks holiday,the break will do you good.
x

[Toothache]

He's not a total shit all of the time, although I probably portray him that way on MN!

He's immature although he's 6 years older than me. He had never been in a serious relationship before me. I had been in 2 and have played all the games... the shouting I hate you, storming out in a rage, packing bags... all for effect! I've been there, done that and know that it is just pointless heartache and trauma. I learned from my mistakes in previous relationships. H hasn't had anything to learn from.

I know his sexual problems are probably the most distressing thing for him when they surface. And he's very embarassed as you can imagine. Me throwing it in his face like that makes him want to run away and hide. Hopefully he will learn from his mistakes.... and I carry on learning from mine and maybe..... jee-ust maybe we can make something good out of this ultimate low in our marriage.

[expatinscotland]

I hope it works out for you both then. At any rate, you're willing to give it your best shot, and that more than anything goes a long way towards improving how you feel about your marriage, no matter what comes your way.

[dinosaur]

Well you know you'll have all our support whatever you decide. It's not weak to hang in there if you love him and try and make it better (better not be - that's situation I am in!). Good luck m'dear.

[Toothache]

Thanks everyone!

Dino - lol We're both very strong wimmin then!

[dinosaur]

Toothache yes

[tigermoth]

what a roller coaster of a weekend. But, he came back, he's agreed to counselling, you both want to go away on holiday together next week. Keep working on the positives - I know how hard it can be (life hasn't always been a bed of roses here).

If you have the energy left, also work on the alternatives, find out the practical implications if he left you, how you could manage. Don't tell him.

Any good asking your mum for a loan so you can learn to drive? Explain how helpless you were when dh took the car and tell her how you need to be independent in case the worse happens. If your mum can afford to, this is a way she can help you without feeling she is 'interfering'.

Also, really work on your friendships, get that support network around you just in case.

hope you have a good bank holiday afternoon.

[SoupDragon]

Good luck, Toothache. He's agreed to conselling which means he wants to at least try and sort it out.

[HRHDuchessofPeahead]

oh toothache, I've just seen this. I'm so sorry he is being such a tosser at teh moment. you need to work out whether you do really love him and want to be with him or whether you are just frightened of being lonely. it doesn't sound like you are getting much out of teh relationship at the moment...

[motherinferior]

Sweetie, I'm with PPH; it is very hard, I've found, to work that one out but you're lovely and you don't deserve this!

Still remember you getting me through my early labour, by the way!

[bev1e]

Toothache, at the very least this awful weekend has hopefully given you some clarity as to what you do want to do with your relationship. I wish you the very best of luck for your future whatever you decide. Hope you have a wonderful holiday.

[sweetkitty]

hi toothache just popped in to see how you were hope things are a bit better for you now

[Kayleigh]

Toothache, have just seen this thread. So very sorry you are having these problems. Am pretty useless with advice, but you have already had loads of good advice on here. Just wanted to let you know I hope you can work this out. Sounds like the holiday has come at just the right time as you and dh will need to do a lot of talking.

Good luck honey X

[Toothache]

You guys have just been wonderful!! I've just been on the phone telling my friend (fairyfeet)all about you all and how much it kept me going being able to post whilst H was AWOL!

We had a nice afternoon as a family. Kids are just about asleep and we are going to try to have a nice evening..... if I can get off of MN! LOL!

It was really great to see how much my friends care and they've all phoned constantly today to check everything is ok. Mum hasnt phoned though.

Learning to drive is next on my agenda. I've always known I would have to eventually, but I developed this irrational fear and my confidence plummeted after 6 lessons! Try and try again eh.

Thanks again. I really hope I never have to start a thread like this again.... perhaps next time it'll say;
"Me and the kids left H today.... to move in with a 25 yr old millionaire!"

[whymummy]

that's great toothache go on open a nice bottle of wine and have a lovely evening together

[Kayleigh]

Toothache, sounds positive, am really pleased for you. Now get off the bloody computer and go and spend some quality time with your dh