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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 08:45

about an hour away, but she has no transport and I am in no state to drive. I can't drop this on her she is hurting enough.

I wish I had someone who would come and just "be" here.

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 08:47

the DCs are just mum, mum, mum, wanting all the time. Of course they are, but it is so hard.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 03/05/2009 08:50

But Fading, that's what gets you up in the morning and what keeps you going even though you are hurting like hell - you have to keep going for them.

They will say something or do something soon and will make you smile and laugh and then you will realise what life is really about - not him or you but them at the moment, they are the most important ones.

I kept apologising to my 9yr old for crying infromm of him - I didn't like doing it and it wasn't fair on him - I just let him know I was sad about daddy not being there.

Longtalljosie · 03/05/2009 09:08

You need to lean on your daughter. Please. It's a Sunday - she's available. She has her partner to help her as well. It's only an hour away. There are trains. You shouldn't try to do this alone when it's not necessary. And it wouldn't be all one way - she'd be better off with her family at a time like this as well. Please, fadingaway. Ask her to come.

oliviasmama · 03/05/2009 09:16

Agree with CT10, the DC need you, keep going for them. You are the stability in their life now. I remember my Dad leaving us, he was a nightmare with other women and I'll never forget the way my Mum dealt with it. She was always the one that my brother and I knew would never let us down in life, would always look after us and be there, there would be no-one that loved us more and that feeling has always stayed with us. She completely protected us from it. It must have been so difficult for her but that was what she did, if we were frightened or doubtful of anything, the way she dealt with everything made us feel "that everything would be ok" at a time when she was going through utter devastation.

Thinking about you this morning.

kalo12 · 03/05/2009 10:15

drink some water and have some vitamin c. your H will have turned his phone off because he can't face up

poshtottie · 03/05/2009 10:16

fadingaway,

Hope you are ok. Please phone the samaritans if you feel the need to speak to someone.

I found it far easier to speak to people I didn't know than my family. That may seem strange to some but thats the kind of person I am. I couldnt stand my parents see me in such a state.

I am away until tomorrow night but I would be willing to give you my no. if you wanted someone to talk to.

Take care

Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 10:23

thank you. I don't know what else to say. I am so sorry for my behaviour last night. Drink talking. It won't happen again.

I can't stand anyone seeing me upset.

His phone is still off.

Would the doctor give me something do you think?

OP posts:
harleyd · 03/05/2009 10:29

bloody hell woman if you are for real please kick yourself up the arse and pull yourself together
theres many many practical things you need to sort out
concentrate on that. cryings grand for a little while, but you dont spend your life doing it
he's gone. stop crying over a man who could leave 5 kids the way he did.

countingto10 · 03/05/2009 10:32

Fading, mine did because I was in such a state - but diazepan is very addictive and they will only give a small amount to get over a crisis. I had 7 pills, one to be taken at night, to help me sleep and to calm me down - it did help. It did have some prozac too but they made me feel awful so I stopped taking them and am doing alright without. I just needed to get over the shock/trauma.

oliviasmama · 03/05/2009 10:33

The doc will offer you some form of AD imo, call them first thing on Tuesday. Dont be sorry for last night, we're all rooting for you, your doing well, one day at a time, god this only happened on Friday. Please try not to constantly call him, he's cowardly and that is why his phones switched off. If you did get through to him he's only going to tell you what you don't want to hear, at the moment his mind is consumed with the other woman, thats why he's left, thats why his phones off, thats why he's not been in contact with you at all, thats why he's run from you, he wants her and not you right now, your feelings don't come into it, (selfish pig!). You said that you'd do anything for him to come back but that won't happen at the moment. This is in no way down to you, what you did or didn't do, what you should or shouldn't have done, it's the way he's thinking right now. Please concentrate on yourselves if you can, pull together and try and do something with the children in the next couple of days, try and get out in the fresh air and occupy them, they know your sad, try and distract them. Keep posting, I too am happy to give you my number if you need to talk, I wish you were closer.

Janos · 03/05/2009 10:42

Fucking hell harleyd. It happened 2 days ago. That's right, 2 DAYS - yeah, she should have pulled herself together by now, right enough, eh!

Sorry fadingaway. You've had a horrible shock, it's just like a bereavement. Just take each day as it comes and keep posting for support. Thinking of you.

Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 10:43

I will come back later.I have to dress DS. Look at the time and he isn't dressed.

Thank you.These posts mean so much to me and thank you is not enough.

OP posts:
forevermore · 03/05/2009 10:45

Fadin, my dad left my mum with 8 children over 30 years ago when. She had no education no real prospects and no real family that cared plus she was 3000 miles from her homeland and had to suffer racism to boot. Social services tried to take us into care and for a time we were seperated, but she fought and orked menial jobs round the clock and got us all back within a year. We were housed by the council and went to the local school. My elder sisters looked after the younger ones and our household chores were run to military precision. My mum worked non-stop and eventually remarried a lovely man who was happy to step-father 8 children even to the detriment of his own family disowning him! Thats love!
Unfortunately, 30 years on she is a a pensioner and manic depressive and still, unfortunately, bitter. She never forgave her first husband who remarried and flaunted his new family and lavished them with the money he should have given to my mum. There was no CSA then!
To her credit all of her children turned out well and as mainly women have been taught by her the value of independence and self-worth. We are all successfully married women, highly educated and have grounded children ourselves. My mum, however, never really talked this through and i think that whilst she sucessfully parented her children, she never looked after her own well-being.
My point to this, is as you move forward you need to ensure that you seek professional help to help you recover mentally. This will allow you to enjoy your children more and make a better life for yourself when they grow up and make a better life for yourself. Ring the smaritans, the council, tell schools, ring citizen advice bureau, call the CSA....there is so much support out there. take care and good luck.....

Longtalljosie · 03/05/2009 11:26

I think if she thinks about all the practical things that eventually need doing, she will freak out. One step at a time. What I'd really like to see is her getting some RL support to get her through the first week.

Perhaps Fadingaway, you can set yourself some realistic goals for this week, though? And you can feel you've achieved them. Something like:

  1. Get through Sunday
  2. Call a friend in London and tell them what's happened (am not underestimating how hard that will be
  3. Get through Monday
  4. Call doctor 8am Tuesday for emergency appointment. Discuss counselling and possibly antidepressants.
Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 12:21

I am getting through today for the DCs.

Tuesday I have to go to work. I think if I can take my mind off it for a few hours it may help. And me being at work is normal for the DCs.

I have to drive though, which is scary.

I went upstairs before and opened some aftershave he had left and just smelt it. I can't believe he has reduced me to this.

OP posts:
silkcushion · 03/05/2009 12:36

Hello FA

Well done for getting through the night.

Can you ring your daughter and see if she can come over today or tomorrow? She'd probably want to be there for you if she realsied how you were feeling.

Not sure what your job is but I found myself struggling to keep going with the normality and had to take a few days holiday.

3littlefrogs · 03/05/2009 12:39

Your daughter is old enough to know, and to support and help you. I am certain she would want to do that.

oliviasmama · 03/05/2009 12:39

Ok - one sniff is allowed but not a sniff more Be back later, try and get out, it's lovely here, sunny and blustery. Get out with your gorgeous children.

KiwiKat · 03/05/2009 12:42

Just popping on to say hello, Fading. You have a lot of people on here who are thinking about you.

Tiggiwinkle · 03/05/2009 12:49

Harleyd-your attitude leaves me speechless. This woman's husband has left her with no forewarning after 25 years together. And you expect her to stop crying after two days?
Wonderful empathy there. Get real.

And for those crying troll-do you never check a posters history before shouting? This poster has several years worth of consistent posts-nothing to suggest she is a troll.

Fadingaway-look after yourself. Things will become clearer as the week unfolds. Just take one day at a time.

tigana · 03/05/2009 12:50

Morning FA.
Just to reassure you...it is now 10 to 1 in the afternoon and my DS still has his pj top on. (combination of his stubborness and my laziness ...)

TBCoalman · 03/05/2009 12:53

Friend foundthis site useful when she first found out her husband was having an affair. It's American, so useful when it's the middle of the night and you need someone else to talk things through NOW.

She didn't tell me until a few weeks later. Said she couldn't speak because she didn't know what noise would come out of her mouth. She was in shock. You are in shock. I wish I could come round and make you a cup of tea and give you a hug.

It gets better than this, honestly it does. x

Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 13:45

thank you.

I will come back when DCs are in bed.

Idon'tknow what I willdo when the shock wears off.

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 03/05/2009 14:07

fading. hope you are ok. harleyd was being harsh imo. don't listen. you can do the practical things when you have processed the shock. all the best.

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