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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
Tortington · 03/05/2009 15:05

just looking in to say i am thinking of you and hope today goes a little better

atterual · 03/05/2009 15:05

Just wanted to say Ive read this thread through completely this afternoon and im so sorry for you Fadingaway. i dont live anywhere near you, but Im on my own (another bank holiday on my own!) and i would be happy to talk to you on the phone if you want. Please just let me know and I will post my number, I really dont mind doing that if you think it will help.

Worldsworstmummy · 03/05/2009 15:12

Hi Atterual, not to don't want to hijack thread, but while OP off just wanted to say thanks again for your kindness t'other day.

atterual · 03/05/2009 15:17

Hi Worldsworst.. No problem. Im not one of these Mners who posts on every thread, Im not on here day and night, but if I can help anyone, then i will. Hope you are ok? (sorry but I cant find the thread you were on!)

Worldsworstmummy · 03/05/2009 15:20

All is good.DS happy. Flu gone.

Katrina7 · 03/05/2009 15:21

I have just seen this thread and maybe i am a bit late but i have to write this. I posted few months ago when i was very distressed and one poster also said 'TROLL' Luckily some women believed me and stayed all night with me, i wouldnt even be here today if they havn't. The thing is when you are very shocked and distressed you use over dramatic expressions and when i read it next day i felt that i looked very dramatic and pathetic and stupid (and i used to be a strong person before i met him). But it is normal. Also in my case it didnt help that english is second language and when i am very upset my english is worst and this made some posters even more suspicious. I am VERY GLAD that most posters believed you. Please stay and keep posting. It helps a lot. It helped me. 2 or 3 days is very short and nobody expects you to pull yourself together so quickly. It is normal to feel like this. Try to just survive each day for now. Eventually after some time you will start feeling better like so many women here who have been through this. Everything gets better but it does need some time

swineoclock · 03/05/2009 16:27

Am also stunned at harlyd's attitude.

FA, I am six months down the line, ex text me he was leaving and wanted a divorce. The anguish you feel is totally and utterly normal, as you can tell from the responses you have here from those of us who have been through it as well. You are, and will be, going through a grieving process, you will blame yourself, you will think that you will do anything possible, and anything he might want, to have him back, this is natural. You want your old life back, how it was when you were all together as a family. He has betrayed you and your children, it is almost impossible to think about how the future will pan out but right now you need to take the time to grieve, everything else will be impossible until you have done that for yourself and your children. I do think going to see your gp would be a good move and to perhaps see a counsellor, you do need someone to talk to. Take up any offers from mnetters who are willing to meet you and offer support. Please, please keep posting here.

ElenorRigby · 03/05/2009 16:48

Send him a business like txt saying you will be starting to make practical arrangments ASAP via the CSA and a solicitor, that should get a response

iwanttolearn · 03/05/2009 16:51

Hi,

I had a similar situation happen to me, and I cried for a long time. Be strong, by the looks of it you're a survivor. You'll get through this, one step at a time.

Am thinking of you.

Longtalljosie · 03/05/2009 16:59

Fadingaway, you must seek some help. I'm very concerned that you haven't asked your daughter for it and now you say you'll go to work Tuesday rather than go to the doctors...

If you keep trying to do everything as normal rather than taking it easy and taking the help that is available, you will naturally end up stumbling, because you are a human being, and so you will react like one.

I agree working may take your mind off things, but equally you may find it nearly impossible. If you were sick you would go to the doctors in the morning - so work can cope without you for a short time, just as it would if you had flu or something. You have to try to pick up the support networks that are there.

howtotellmum · 03/05/2009 18:24

You must do what you want to- but I would be wary of asking for anti-depressants- you are in shock- not clincially depressed. They also take a few weeks/months towork and can be very hard to come off- I know people who cannot manage to get off them. Anything that takes the edge off your emotions will only hold back the real feelings and they will have to be dealt with at some point. If you go to the drs, ask for counselling.

numal · 03/05/2009 19:22

You are going through a terrible trauma. After almost 25 yrs with your husband it must seem impossible to carry on without him. You will have a terrible few weeks but please believe that you will survive this. Please try to function as a mother and just reach inside yourself to do all you can for your lovely children. Who would want to have your husband's conscience? You should see your eldest daughter and reach out to your friends. We are here on mumsnet with practical advice. Keep posting - you are in my thoughts.

Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 19:35

I got the little DCs to bed. DS asked for daddy to bath him, brush his teeth, put him to bed and read him a story. He keeps saying I want my daddy.

I ache for him. He worships his daddy.

I said dadddy is angry with mummy and has gone to be on his own for a while. When he comes back he will ring DS and DS can see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 19:37

I can't tell anyone in RL how I feel. I don't think I have the words.

OP posts:
reducedfatkettlechip · 03/05/2009 19:43

fadingaway, you need to tell someone in RL, this isn't just going to go away. Is it that you think doing that will mean it's really happening?

Could you maybe email someone if you don't feel strong enough to have a conversation yet?

And I don't think you necessarily need to say daddy has gone away because he's angry with you, it implies you've done something wrong. Which you haven't.

I know you don't feel you have anyone in RL, but I think you'd be surprised how supportive virtual strangers can be if you let them know you need it. Do you have any neighbours, school mums or anyone at all? Don't worry about being too proud, just get yourself some support to get through this worst bit.

numal · 03/05/2009 19:53

Well done for getting the little ones to bed! \Just thinking of your children asking for their Daddy is heartbreaking to hear. Cry as much as you want when they are all asleep. Just try to get through one day and night at a time. Have you told anyone (apart from us) yet? Everyone will offer support, please accept all offers of help. Will you please try to get some sleep tonight as tomorrow is a new day. Stay strong.

ElenorRigby · 03/05/2009 19:55

I so feel for you. I cannot understand how a husband of 25! years, just pisses off with no sign or explanation.
My post above may have seemed a tad flippant but it is not.
You both have 4 dependent children. They need to be cared for. You are caring for them because your (x husband) has given you no way to contact you or your children.
I mostly like men, I could condem your DH but as I do not know him I can only fault his behaviour only in this case.

MadameCastafiore · 03/05/2009 20:00

Darling please do not tell your kids that daddy is angry with mummy.

Tell them that daddy is at work or something but do not make this, in their eyes your fault, it isn't, he doesn't even have the balls to face you and yet you take the blame for his cowardice - do not say it is your fault at all - you sound such a lovely person, such a great mum - this couldn't be and isn't your fault.

oliviasmama · 03/05/2009 20:02

Hey FA, I'm back checking up on you again . You sound as if you've got through the day - well done, another one down. I'm really glad your going to work on Tuesday, it's a little bit of normality and surely there are some friendly faces there for you to lean on a bit. I've been thinking about you today and the terrible hurt you must be feeling, I've got myself up to date on the posts of the day and I have to say I'm completely in agreement with howtotellmum on the AD front. I can remember my Mum taking Prozac for a few weeks after my Dad left her and although they really helped her state of mind, they made her feel rubbish, she soon got herself off them and as HTTM says they only take the edge off your feelings that eventually will have to come through. At the end of the day though, you must do what you feel is best. Hope you'll be back soon.

howtotellmum · 03/05/2009 20:15

You said you are going to work on Tuesday- do you not have any friends or even colleagues at work who you can talk to? I find it hard to understand that you imagine you are going to function at work with this going on, and not let anyone know.

Would it be too hard to say "I have had the most awful weekend- my DH has left us." Don't know what kind of work you do, but unless you work in an office alone, you must have colleagues and I can't see how you can keep up an act on this.

I don't want to belittle your situation, but it happens all the time. People will be sympathetic.

Please stop telling your children that their father is angry with you- that is putting yourself in the role of a victim- and that sort of mentality will not help you be strong.

I would have thought that your DCs were old enough to understand divorce- not that it has come tothat- but youmust be able totell them that Mummy and Daddy have parted for a while whilst they decide what they want to do. Children are not stupid and you risk doing more harm than good by keeping up a brave face - as they will KNOW something is very wrong- you owe it to them to be honest, even if you play it down a bit.

You need to be practical- you should let the younger one's teacher know what has happened as it is likely that they will be upset and their school work might suffer. All teachers like to /should know if the family circumstances change.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2009 20:20

have just read this thread from the beginning as just back from weekend away

fading, you do not sound like a troll

you sound like someone in utter shock and disbelief

I am adding my support to you

you will get through this, please find some support on here and in RL as best as you can

ring Samaritans if you need to, see your GP. He may give you something to help you through the next few days, but you know that is not a long term solution don't you

you are going to have to reach deep inside you for that inner strength

do it for your kids, they need one parent if he cannot do it

BabyValentine · 03/05/2009 20:23

FA, you are doing really well.

Although you may not believe it now, you will get through this terrible time.

One day at a time, one step at a time. But this will get better.

Longtalljosie · 03/05/2009 20:33

Fadingaway - why on earth did you tell your DS your H was angry with you? Is that what you think, that this must all be your fault in some way? It's absolutely not.

It will be complicated enough for your children to get their heads around, but if you give the impression it's your fault to them, that isn't going to help them, or you. They're with you full-time, they need you to be what you are, in the same boat as them - not to be told that you in some way brought this about. Because you didn't.

lal07 · 03/05/2009 20:35

Fadingaway I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for you. You are doing amazingly well just managing to function. Do whatever you need to just get through the days. I know it's not recommended in the long term but when my Ex H left (was similarly shocking but we didn't have any DCs so nothing like as bad) the GP gave me some low dose valium to help me for the first week.
If you think that going back to work will help then do go - but if I were you I'd think about whether you could get a cab rather than drive. Not least because when I tried to do the same I managed until about 11am and then couldn't cope any more. I'm not sure you'd be safe to drive if you're very upset.
Also this is going to sound like a completely stupid thing to say - but when my Ex left I watched the West Wing repeatedly for months. And listened to audiobooks at night so there wasn't that awful quiet in the bedroom. Both helped to just get through the next hour.
That and some friends I will be forever grateful to. Funnily enough they weren't my best friends at the time necessarily, but people who were happy to help. Do ask, if you can.
Thinking of you.

Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 20:44

I know it probably wasn't the best thing to say but DH works long hours and if I'd said he was at work poor little DS would have believed me. And still waited for him to come home later.....

I have only been in my job a few months. When DD3 rang I asked a secretary to come up and I told her, and she got my boss to take me home. So they kind of know.

Im still listening for his car. Still checking the phones over and over.

Thank you again for your posts. I come here especially when DDs and DS busy with stuff, and most especially when they are in bed. You are lifesavers for me.

OP posts:
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