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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
tigana · 02/05/2009 22:50

KiwiKat - "Just keep swimming" is such a great motto isn't it.

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 23:02

My eldest is with her boyfriend, as she should be. Shortly before I got married my father had a heart attack and my mother begged me not to get married, but to stay with her. I chose to marry and swore if I ever had kids I would not make them make decisions like that. I guess that this is a time for decisions and I would rather she ia with her boyfriend than be there for me as I drink myself stupid and make a complete arse of myself on mumsnet. My DCs come first 100% no matter how old they are.

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 02/05/2009 23:04

Oliviasmama is completely right - he may not come back. But if he does, you want to be in a position to make the best choice for YOU. That may be looking too far ahead for you right now, but I wanted you to realise that things can change, so don't think that life will always be this painful. I've been there, although I was left after only 4 years, and we didn't have any dc, but my life completely collapsed - best thing I ever did was to talk to my friends about it. I agree with everyone who has suggested that you talk to someone in RL about this. It would help enormously, even if they are strangers.

tigana · 02/05/2009 23:08

But no one is suggesting she split up with her boyfriend in order to live with you. I think people are wondering if she could be a source of support/comfort/distraction for you in this crisis moment. Could she pop over and distract you with talk about her life for example?
I'm guessing it might be hard for youto ask her? And it might be hard for her to offer.
Goddammit...gimme her number I'll send a text!

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 23:12

I am so so sorry I have drunk far too much which is something I never do. I will read this thread tomorrow and cringe.

But please. Pissed or not.I am not a troll. I cannot believe ayone would think something so wicked. Why?????

My DH still hasn't rung, or texted. i still can't see the point in going on.

What gets me, time and again, is how everyone else has friends in RL. I really don't.

OP posts:
silkcushion · 02/05/2009 23:17

As I said before FA there are plenty of people in RL who rely on their dh for friendship. Many people's lives revolve around their kids and partner and work. YOu are not that unusual.

You are just distraught and probably drunk (which never helps you think clearly). Please try and get some rest tonight and take care

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 23:17

Am pouring rest of bottle away now.

OP posts:
silkcushion · 02/05/2009 23:17

good

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 02/05/2009 23:21

FA, there are lots of poeple who feel they haven't got any friends. Really. You look at people and think they're all having a great time, but it's not necessarily like that.

Think about it, Saturday night, lots of people on MN. We're not all out having a wild time with friends.

This is like a bereavement though, isn't it. As I said, so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 23:24

please .If anyone can stay.Please

OP posts:
tigana · 02/05/2009 23:27

I can stay for a bit longer FA.
Have you go TV on? Try numbing brain with that to help you sleep? Even if you end up sleeping on sofa?

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 23:29

Pc in other room. Will try and sleep.

OP posts:
izyboy · 02/05/2009 23:31

fading .. dont worry about trolls or whatever. Look it's gonna be a tough few weeks you will need to set up appointments with CAB first off. Talk to mortgage people, see the doc for some sleeping tabs. It will take a while but I promise you will start to feel stronger.

tigana · 02/05/2009 23:34

Good night fadingaway. I hope you have a calm and restful night and that your head doesn't hurt too much in the morning. Maybe a glass of water before bed to help with that?

There are usually a few nightowls/overseas MNers/mums of newborns around at odd hours of the night if you need MN then. Just keep an eye on the top of active convo's and seek them out wherever they are!
Failing that, 24hr news channels are pretty good!

izyboy · 02/05/2009 23:39

fading 'night 'night. Dont worry if you cant sleep tonight, you will again soon I promise.

MariaCC · 03/05/2009 00:06

Just saw this thread and wanted to post just to show some support.

Poor you. It must be so tough and I don't have any advice except to say MN is here and if this is what you need to get through the next month / two months / five years then that's what you should do! This will get better. You are strong, and you have your FANTASTIC DCs who will always know that YOU didn't walk out on them. This is an opportunity, a new life. Time to go out and make new friends etc. That might seem like flipant comment at the moment, but it's true. Time to live your life for you instead a coward who's let you and your DCs down in the most unforgivable way.

And in the mean time, we're all here, we're all thinking of you, and the best thing about MN is that you never have to be completely alone.

Longtalljosie · 03/05/2009 01:52

Am awake, and thinking of you. Hope you're ok.

Longtalljosie · 03/05/2009 02:00

Ok, guessing you're asleep. Good. Am putting the light back off now. But we'll all be here in the morning. Hang in there, and if you're awake and we're not seek out active threads as they day above. Stay strong x

Unlikelyamazonian · 03/05/2009 02:17

I haven't posted before but have read thread. Am here too.

Have you got rescue remedy and an open fire?

oliviasmama · 03/05/2009 03:44

I'm here FA if you need to chat, just thought about you and hoping that your hangover wont be tooooo bad. Full fat coke is a must.

tribpot · 03/05/2009 07:25

Hope you are okay this morning, FA. Or okay as you can be under the circs. Please reach out to your dd, I think she would be devastated to know you were so low and didn't ask for help.

Notquitegrownup · 03/05/2009 08:21

Fadingaway, you were the first person I thought about as I woke up this morning.

Please don't feel embarrassed by reading your thread this morning - and ignore those who shout troll. It's probably a generational thing. Fifteen years ago, I wouldnt have been able to imagine life without close girlfriends, but dh and I have become very insular too, and allowed friends to drift away. It does get easier to allow your family to be the centre of your life as you get (ahem) more mature!

So, I just wanted to check in and send some extra sympathy if your head aches today! Well done for tipping the rest of the bottle away last night, so that you don't feel any worse than you do now.

Your dh is probably has noooo idea how to call you or what to say. Remember he has had two years to get his head around this and has been working through his feelings during that time. The fact that he could leave with just a note, and not talk with you about his feelings at all tells us a lot about the kind of emotional vacuum he is living in. He clearly has no idea how to even start to think how you might feel and is lying low, probably thinking you will have a nice, calm discussion about child access next time he speaks to you!

Can you spend the day with your FIL so that the kids have grandad around to help to distract them today? Not so many people tend to be around on MN on a Sunday, but we will try to check in and see how you are. People on here do care and will be thinking of you. Take the day an hour at a time, FA, and hang on in there.

Original poster
fadingaway · 03/05/2009 08:41

i woke up. I wish I didn't, but I did. DS got me up several times thro the night.

Thank you for your posts.

I am hopeless.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 03/05/2009 08:42

Whereabouts does your eldest DD live, Fadingaway?

countingto10 · 03/05/2009 08:45

How are you this morning Fading, you sound as desperate as I was. Please ring the samaritans for someone to talk to in RL - I did to get through the night and it does help. My H upped and left about 6 weeks ago now, leaving me with 4DSs (16,9,6 and 4 and 2 of them are ASD), I am totally dependent on him as I haven't worked for 10 yrs (busy having and raising his kids). I have been fortunate in that I have mine and his family around to help - nobody can quite believe what he has done which is basically run away from everything because he can't cope - I/we have to for our children and it does get easier.

It is very early days for you are the moment, please go and see your doctor, they may give you something like diazepan for a week to get over the shock and trauma - that did help me just to calm down as I was in a right state like you, being sick, hypervantilating etc. They should also be able to arrange some counselling for you. You have got to think of yourself and your health - who will look after your DC if you go under ......

Have an easy day today - I made crispy cakes with my youngest yesterday with left over Easter chocholate - it's simple and not too taxing

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