please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

The children are probably noisy and shouting and screaming and bickering to try and attract the attention of a father who is emotionally absent. Really sorry to psychobabble at you (blame my degree subject), but very often people who can't handle negative emotions of children are in a real state themselves internally. Or, of course, they may just be being children. My three make an enormous amount of noise a lot of the time sometimes but I tend to grab 10 minutes on Mumsnet with a cup of cocoa rather than start 2 year affairs with random strangers.

As for the cheap card - what an arse. You threw it away - hooray! Glad to see the anger. This man doesn't know what he's got coming his way. I wish I could be a fly on the wall cheering you on when he arrives today. Good luck.

Oh my goodness Fading. For once I am lost for words. I am so so sorry that your (D)H can be so cold. Where has he stored his feelings, sensitivity and compassion? In the
OW's freezer? Has he NO comprehension of the destruction he has wrought in the lives of his precious DCs? It is heartbreaking to think of your poor DD finding his note We all have noisy, bickering DCs (although maybe not five of them ) The token birthday card gesture must have been another blow to your broken heart FA

However you must take comfort in the fact that you have been the most amazing Mum (and DIL) since DH upended your lives two weeks ago. He is not returning to the same woman he left and whilst I know that you will put your DCs first today, I am also sure that you will not let him waltz back in to your lives and risk hurting you all further (if that were possible). You will protect your children with everything you have. The tables have turned and you have the balance of power. He relinquished his rights when he abandoned you all. He is a guest in your home. Be strong, calm and dignified (and get on with the decorating whilst he talks to the DCs )

Thinking of you.

Have you told the children that Daddy will come and go away again?
Hard as it is on you and them, you don't want to end up with a huge guilt complex when you don't allow him to stay (if that is what he would like) and with children who blame you for it.
The children will eventually have to know that it was your husband's choice to go away, that it is not your fault for making him angry, nor theirs for being noisy, but his only.
Bended knee or no, it is your choice whether you will see him at your house again, or not.

Best of luck, hope it all goes ok today.

Again lots of wise words today FA.
Will be thinking of you and send all good vibes.

well he's making excuses for why he left like that. so that he has got a get back in clause, i.e its not cos I don't love you it just all got a bit much for me and I'm sorry, I made a big mistake.

etc.

Children make noise and good fathers deal with it!

he's not taking any responsibility for what he has done, who would? its despicable and shameful.

I would ask him what his fancy woman thinks of him leaving his five children? does she think thats cool?

I use 'fancy woman' in the loosest possible terms. I'm sure she's not a patch on you.

I would display the cheap card amongst all your others so its cheapness can be noted.

Waiting to hear from you Fading, even if it's just a quick one liner to say your ok. It's been a huge weekend for you and I'm sure you are shattered. Hope your ok.

How did it go Fading? You probably feel wretched, but pls update us when you can ...

i hope you are ok FA we are all thinking of you and hoping you are ok

me too , hope things are good

Whether things went well or otherwise we are here to support. Really hoping you are coping with today's events. Let us know when you are able to.

Thinking of you - just off to bed (pregnant and therefore knackered). Hope you're ok x

we are thinking of you too.

be back in the morning.

Just checked in after a long bedtime with DD who's been "transferred" from cot to big girls bed this weekend....she was ok Friday night, Saturday straight to sleep but tonight aaaarggghh she's on about her tenth lap of upstairs shouting "yipeeeee mama"!!

Anyway we're all thinking about you Fading, whether a good weekend or not, please come back, we're here for you.

Message withdrawn

I'm thinking of you too, FA.

Hope you are okay tonight Fading. Try not to replay everything over and over or the hurt will keep rushing at you in waves. Hope your DCs have not been too upset by their Daddy coming and going again. So hard for them ... thank goodness they have such a wonderful, strong and loving Mum. Sending you a huge hug along with all the other Mumsnetters. Peaceful dreams to you all.

Thinking of you today.

Please dont feel bad about thinking that if the children were quieter things would be different.

I have 4 and yes the noise level is very high a lot of the time.

I do/have also screamed at them.

How low of him to even mention that he is not missing the noise. I bet you are not missing many things about him. Having to wash, clean, cook for him.

Anyway hope it went ok yesterday - please do update us when you can.

Fading, hope you're ok today. Let us know you are if you have time. You don't have to discuss yesterday if you don't feel up to it, we can just chat . Hope it went ok and wasn't too hard for you and the children.

Ask for him mentioning the childrens noise level... he really is grasping at straws to try and make himself feel less guilty isn't he?! Bloody coward, why doesn't he stop pointing the finger and look in the mirror? Noone has kids if they expect peace and quiet!

Hope you have a good day today x

how are things?

Am sorry I didn't come back last night. I was trying to keep busy to stop myself having to think.

He arrived on time and DDs 3 and 4 and DS literally jumped on him. He spent ages cuddling them and I could see he was upset.

It was very difficult to talk because the DC monopolised him but eventually DD3 and DD4 went off to the PC and DS fell asleep on his daddy's chest, I suppose because he isn't well and has had the cold and earaches that DD4 has had. Everything between DH and DD3 and 4 and DS was just utterly normal, as if he'd just been away with work or something. DD2 will not be so easily won-over and she was upstairs revising for today's exams anyway, but they spoke and were civil (DD1 was away anyhow). I am drumming into everyone over the age of about ten that I do not want any badmouthing or name-calling. Through work I have seen too many times where that ends up.

While DS was asleep and we were alone he told me that the first time he slept with her it had been because he was out and it was just there and he could do it. It was at least honest.

At first he lied to her about being married and when he admitted it she stopped it, but then contacted him out of the blue and it started up again.

He did not say but I am sure it must be/have been very flattering for his ego to think he was still desirable to someone else after being married so long, etc.

He said he left because she issued an ultimatum and he thought he could just leave and start afresh, but now he doesn't think he can. He didn't take any more of the stuff he had left. All his papers/post/DVDs/CDs etc are put to one side and he didn't take those either.

I think he is going to ask to come home.

I am so confused now I don't know what to do. He has hurt me so badly that nothing anyone could do would be anywhere near as bad. I still love him. I thought I would hate him, but I don't. He has said if he comes back he would try very hard and make changes, and I think he probably would. I just don't know if I am strong enough to do it. He held me before he left although I didn't reciprocate. I was frightened to. He cried.

I wish I could jut say oh fuck off, but I really can't.

I didn't sleep very well but today I feel a little more peacfeul knowing he has seen the DC and it is very clear they still love him, and he them. All I have to do now it sort out what I am going to do with the rest of my life..

sorry. This has been a long rambling post.

That is a very honest post and not a bit rambling. It is a very hard decision to make and I hope that we will be able to support you through whatever decision you make. Before everything else I think you will need time on your hands, time where he is living neither with her nor with you, would that be at all possible?
So glad that the children were more or less ok with him.

wow - i am not surprised by anything you said.

My warnings would be about how much to trust him about what he is saying about the ow. She insisted he leave you?? he may want you to see her as the 'evil' one now rather than him making the decision.

He may just want to make sure the door is still open for him to come home.

Think hard about what you want now - and my other piece of advice would be to make sure the ow is well and truely off the scene before you consider taking him back.

You dont want him back just because she doesnt want him do you?

Slowly does it and it will become clearer over time.

It can work but is very very hard for you both and will involve a lot of talking and crying from you both.

The hardest bit will now be living with yourself - if you feel weak for having him back it is not the right time.

Good luck and keep talking to your new friends - something i bet you didnt think you would have a couple of weeks ago.