please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

I have a white bra and knickers - what do you think? Seriously, that is a good idea. I will wear a white shirt and put some make up on. I had my hair cut a couple of days ago becuse I looked so, so terrible, and I have lost nearly a stone, so I will look different to him, won't I. I hadn't thought of that.

And I have managed. I keep telling myself that. When we moved in we had a big old fashioned floor-standing boiler removed and a new combi put in. The plumber said he coudn't take the old one away because it would break the axle in his van. DH tried, very half-heartedly, one day to move it, and couldn't. Said was too heaavy and would have to stay. Well I don't know how, but I humped it outside yesterday for the scrap man. I nearly killed myself doing it, but I did.

But maybe I should come over all weak and dainty...?

And I mended DD4's curtains track when she had a mega tantrum and pulled it off the wall last Sunday. It was really hard and I could barely reach, but I did it. And I am sorting out painting and stuff. the DC are fed and bathed and clothed, and the house is tidy. So I am obviously managing, but I still feel so, so lost without him.

You are amazing fading. Don't you dare come over all weak and dainty. You CAN do this!

I am amazed at how much you have achieved this week FA.

I agree with INeed - don't pretend to be anything on Sunday that you're not.

Your H owes you both an apology and an explanation - regardless of whether you try and stay together or not. You can't possibly decide what to do without fully understanding what has gone on.

I was surprised at the counsellors questions too but don't have any experience so wouldn't know what to expect.

Sounds like yr H is fearful of meeting up with you too. He probably is a complete mess and if he's staying with the ow then he doesn't have the opportunity to think objectively about his/your future as she'll presumably be influencing him.

SOunds like the two of you really need time to talk. Is yr fil able to take the dcs out somewhere once they've seen their daddy so you can have time alone?

You are so amazing. Keep it up. Keep taking control. He's made his move, now it is your turn. And you have all the right on your side.

Hmm, if you are not comfortable with the counsellors line of questioning, tell them, perhaps those are initial questions for your situation?
also, anyone can counsel, even without quali's. look for bcap accredited.

to hear the lo's missing their dad so. what the hell is he playing at.
words fail me (except swear words)

dear Fading, time is the healer, just keep bolstering yourself as much as possible in whichever ways you can.
mumsnetting, counselling, your home improvements, big baths, long walks....
others have got through this in one piece, so will you, with your head held high.
we are all with you, willing you on with all our might!

I hope the boiler will be visible when he visits FA. He'll either think that you are super woman or that you have a man lurking in the shadows!

If it were me (was me? gosh my grammar is appalling) I'd go steady on the make up but do subtle things that he might notice (and that will make you feel good), that hint that you are totally in control. I'd be aiming for him to think ?wow, she has humped the boiler out, fed the children, sorted out painting the house AND put clear nail varnish on her nails? (rather than a bright colour that might look like you are trying to entice him back).

I'm not surprised by the counsellor's questions. Sex is about the how and where and when isn't it? I guess she's trying to see how you function as a couple, whether he has left for physical or emotional reasons etc etc.

Could you consider asking a friend to call whilst he is at the house. This could give you a natural break if you want to take a couple of minutes thinking time or have time to compose yourself. It could also make him feel that it?s not just them against you, but that you have others on your side too. If you can?t think of anyone to call, I?m sure one of us here could (I?d be happy to).

Something I've heard said quite often (and firmly believe myself): The best thing you can do for your children is love your partner and treat him/her well.

Your DH has completely failed at that. So please, don't let him come back just for the children. Unless you want him back (and can trust him again) and he is prepared to stop being a selfish git, it will not help your children to have him living in the same house. He can be a good father without you having to sacrifice yourself.

I say this as someone whose parents fought all the time and whose dad had multiple affairs. I love my parents both individually, but them being together meant I had to take sides, and there were a lot of awful dynamics. Splitting up is hard on kids, but staying together can be even worse IMO.

FA - just to say that I will be thinking of you on Sunday. It will be so awkward for you with the children there. You deserve to have some time alone with him, if you can, to let him speak to you.

It is wonderful to hear you being so positive, and I am sure that will make a big impression on him. Be strong, whilst you feel it, and look good when he arrives, for yourself. You have done amazingly and lots of us are in awe of you. However, don't let him walk out again and leave you feeling that you were acting a part. If you want to throw something at him, before he goes, you'll have MN right behind you! If you want to cry and tell him a little of what the last two weeks have been like for you and your dcs, it would be good for him to know. Whatever happens on Sunday, he can't hurt you as much as he did two weeks ago. You are now in charge and you know that he has a lot of talking to do, and you both have important decisions to make, but I think that it will help if you can be yourself, as you start on this new phase.

HTH

FA - just to say that I will be thinking of you on Sunday. It will be so awkward for you with the children there. You deserve to have some time alone with him, if you can, to let him speak to you.

It is wonderful to hear you being so positive, and I am sure that will make a big impression on him. Be strong, whilst you feel it, and look good when he arrives, for yourself. You have done amazingly and lots of us are in awe of you. However, don't let him walk out again and leave you feeling that you were acting a part. If you want to throw something at him, before he goes, you'll have MN right behind you! If you want to cry and tell him something of what the last two weeks have been like for you and your dcs, it would be good for him to know. Whatever happens on Sunday, you know that he can't hurt you as much as he did two weeks ago. You know that he has a lot of talking to do, and you both have important decisions to make, but I think that it will help if you can be yourself, as you start on this new phase.

HTH

Oops!

in your shoes, i think i would ask him to take the four children to her house.

His phone is still switched off as I rang it following a text message of earlier which seems, at least to me, to now be blaming the DC too.

I am at work and should not be bunking off to MN, but I shall post the contents of his message tonight and hope for your thoughts.

I think I am feeling the stirrings of anger, amongst all the other things.

He will be looking for everything and everyone else to blame for his failing i am afraid.
It was you, the dc are too demanding, he has a stressful job, he is feeling old, he couldnt let ow down, .....blah blah blah....
Anything so he wont have to admit his brain is in his trousers.

Stay stong - you truely are amazing and if he doesnt want you he truely is mad.

Blaming your DC . That's weak, very weak. Five children must be hard work and stressful, but that's no excuse to just 'park his manhood' (as someone else so eloquently put it!) elsewhere for a bit of peace and quiet. He could have spoken to you about it - or even written to you about it, if he didn't have the B@lls to talk to you.

You know, I'd be tempted to go out on Sunday when he is due to arrive and then when he texts you, say that you tried to call him to explain you needed to go out but you couldn't get through on his 'phone. I'd be going up the wall with frustration at not being able to speak to him - how dare he!

not being contactable is forgivable imo, what if something happened to one of the children - or even you needed some help with the childcare .

Is tempting to not be in but of course that would not be nice for the dc.

And that anger - it is good - just look at the position he has forced you into - and yet he still wants to call all the shots and only be available to talk when it suits him.

Has he been at work? carrying on as if nothing has happened??

... or HappyWoman has he been away on holiday with OW for a fortnight (and is only just back) which is why he told FA in the middle of last week that he would visit the DCs a week on Sunday?!

Hello Fading. I know that we have all been wishing you strength to cope this past couple of weeks but I don't think any of us were imagining that you would acquire the strength of Samson as a result of our prayers and good thoughts as well as the emotional strength to cope so extraordinarily well day Lugging a boiler around. Amazing!

Just wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday tomorrow as well. I hope you are able to do something nice and treat yourself. Will you be seeing DD1 and dp? Have a wonderful, positive day and take time to reflect on what an amazing Mum and person you are :-)

yes i did wonder if he had been away with ow. This 2 weeks is a bit convenient. And now phone turned off (on areoplane????).

Anyway he will have a lot of answering to do.

Fading, you are doing so well, lugging boilers, redecorating you are such a strong woman.

It does sound like he's been on holiday, can't believe that he was blaming the DC???

Hope that you are OK, it's good to get angry and goodness knows he deserves it!

You are an inspiration.

Oh yes, Happy Birthday tomorrow from me too. Please try and do something nice - could you go to a soft play place and order a nice lunch for you, or something like that (not that I've ever been to a soft play place that does nice food!), or go on a picnic?

Gosh yes, Happy Birthday, hope you have a lovely day.

I haven't read the whole thread but what is happening on Sunday? Does he want to come back to you or is it just to discuss general things?

Don't assume he's distraught. He's at last with the wmoan he's probably convinced himself he loves without the hassle of children and day to day domesticity. He'll be feeling over the moon but a bit guilty and he'd probably been having fairly constant sex but he still has a responsibiltiy to his family.

We split up after almost 20 years married and five children - although in our case it was my decision (no one else involved). It's very hard for the person who doesn't want the split.

being dainty and feminine and not being as strong as a muscle man is not weak.

men are physically stronger and women have more stamina - thats a biological fact.

womens qualities of tolerance and forgiveness and expansive thinking and flexible fluctuating feelings are actually much more vital for a harmonious society than single-minded determination.

happy birthday! (my dh always works on my birthday, i made myself a cake and then went and bought some helium balloons for me and my ds to play with. ) don't feel down about having to treat yourself.

Just saying a quick hello fading, you are doing a stirling job and really are a credit to your family being able to cope with this. The fact that you are all getting through each day is completely down to you, you have held everyone together and given your DC all the love and security they need. I can't tell you how I admire the way you have dealt with evrything.

I am soooooo glad that the anger is coming, post when you can and let us know the content of his text, horrible man now even blaming his DC. Completely spineless.

hi FA I have been absent for the past week unfortunately RL has kept me away from the pc. You are sounding amazing at the moment I cant believe the change in you and not wishing to sound patronizing but "fair play" to you.

You did say he'd taken a fortnight off work when he left to go on holiday with her didn't you?

Obviously not going to work out if they can't manage 2 weeks away somewhere without the pressures of RL and work. But is he wanting to come back to you or just realised he doesn't want to be with her either?

Unless he's a complete dickhead (and if he were you'd have noticed at some point in the last 25 years) then he will know he has behaved appallngly. All these ridiculous texts appear to be his way of justifying to himself (and to a lesser degree to you) that he had good reason to break your heart and treat you like shite. He surely can't be oblivious to the chaos and confusion he left behind? All sounds to me like he's trying to make himself feel better/justified.

I'm glad you're getting angry (hope you understand what I mean). He absolutely needs to understand that this is not all about him and his feelings.

Hope you have some nice plans for tomorrow's birthday - I'll be amazed if you find a soft play area with nice lunch