please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

Hi fading, so lad to hear you sounding more positive

Stay strong and make the decisions that are right for you!

Oh and have fun choosing your paint, don't know why but I love going to b and q

One thought occured to me - IF you ever consider taking him back ( big if) then he needs therapy. he is clearly a man who has a huge problem communicating: first - in your marriage- he was not able to articulate what he felt was amiss,but had an affair as a kind of "easy way out", rather than seeking help and talking to you Then he left, leaving just a note, and now, he communciates by text, when he feels able to.

I can see- just- why you felt nothing was wrong, as it looks to me as if we have aman here who hides his emotions, only to run away when things get too tough for him to handle.

I know it will be hard for you to do- and I expect the counsellor will talk this over with you- but do you really want to live with a man like that- and have you both (possibly) been guilty of avoiding talking about your relationship over the years? easy to do- especially when you have 5 kids taking up all your time and energy.

FA you have come so far in the last few days! I've read the thread today and it's fantastic how cool, calm and strong you are.

Hope the paint-buying trip was a success.

You are so right that the decision for him to return is yours, not his.

What has happened to the OW he has been seeing for 2 years? Is that suddenly all over?

If you do allow him to return, does he really expect to just pick up from where he left off - as if he'd pressed the pause button and put you & the children "on hold" while he had his dirty week away with the OW? He's playing the victim card, with all this bleating of, "poor me, I don't know what to do". I have to trot out an old favourite here - he's made his bed, now he can lie in it.

You've done great so far. Stay strong.

How did the counsellor go FA?

So many great posts, I can think of nothing new to add. Just sending good vibes. Stay strong.

really, leaving your wife and children of 25 years so that you can go on holidayy with your fancy woman and then coming back and asking your wife to forgive you is not actually being 'between a rock and a hard place' is it? its actually more like 'having your cake and eating it'

yes he's testing the water. if you are ultra cool you could say ' well let me know what you decide and i'll check to see if there is still a vacancy'

but there is no need to play it cool. just say what you feel. you have to resolve things in your own mind. he has to do this for himself too.
and there is no harm in saying the wrong thing, its human, its normal, its real life proper felt emotion.

what did you say btw, and what colour did you get from B + Q? not black i hope

Just a thought- if he has been seeing this OW for 2 years, but you have only moved to the NE a few months back- where does she come from?

Has he been travelling south to see her, do they meet half way, or does she travel north? I find the practicalities of their affair hard to get my head round- surely if she is not on the doorstep, you would have noticed his absence when he saw her?

How was the counselling and was it with anyone from the BACP link I posted for you?

If you didn't gel, try another- I have seen 3 in my life- one was useless, the other great and one okay-ish.

FA - I am by his text. What a knob! Sorry - I have tried not to bash yr dh as I know it's probably not helpful but he seems so wrapped up in himself.

What about you? what about his dcs? He seems absolutely clueless about the pain and distress he's caused you all. Obviously going through some sort of mid life crisis.

Hope the counselling went well (and the trip to B&Q). Delighted to hear you say it's your decision whether or not he comes home. Perhaps you should tell him that. Also agree with the others that the texts need to stop. If he wants a grown up conversation about what is going on and what the hell he's been up to then he can ring or summon up the courage to see you face to face.

Wish someone around him could give him the kick up the arse he bloody needs.

Message withdrawn

FA - hope that the counsellor was helpful today. So pleased to hear you sounding stronger. Many people have posted far better advice than I could but just checking in to see how you are.

Onestonetogo - I think FA is a solicitor but in any case unfortunately she wouldn't be within her rights to do that without a court order.

Thats just made me dislike him even more!!

"A rock and a hard place", the man is so very very very bloody selfish. Oooooh how I'd love you to tell him that he's not coming back, that he has to stay with that old tart he's bored of already....now that is justice.

Anyway fading, just to tell you that I think, along with many others, that you really are super duper.

I went to the counsellor.

I am going back again next week. I don't feel as though I got particularly far but I know of course I can't just click my fingers. She asked if I felt able to tell her what had happened, and I did. She asked if I could use one word to describe how I felt what would that word be, and I said bereft. She said that was interesting, but I can't think why. Maybe I am thinking too much?

She also asked some questions that I didn't feel were relevant, questions about our sex life. She asked when where how often etc. and asked if he liked to hurt me, or I him, and if I thought we had a good sex life. I said I did, apart from the rocky patch we had had some time previously (which I put down to him being stressed and/or tired. I found it very embarrassing after that.

He says he is coming on Sunday to see the DC. I think I have mentioned this before. I alternate between being desperate to see him and wishing he wouldn't come.

He says he knows he has hurt me, but really I don't think he has any idea at all. And whilst he makes up his mind or whatever he is still with her. And if he did come back it could never be the same as it was, andI don't know if I want that.

But then I look at my DC and know that if their daddy came home they would be overjoyed.

Suddenly I am not feeling so positve tonight.

sorry, I should have said - I can't stop him coming to the house withhout an Injunction and I have no grounds (unless the rules have changed when I wasn't looking and being a fuckwit is now reason in which case I will do the application first-thing tomorrow).

We moved to this particular area last March. Before that we were still inthe north-east, only about 30-odd miles away from here, but I still cannot for the life of me pinpoint anything he did that was in any way untoward. Either he is a brilliant actor,or I am very stupid.

FA- you must not be embarrassed to talk about sex with your counsellor. Like drs, they have seen and heard it all before- and more! Unless you can be honest with her, you will not get far.

Don't expect instant results- I have a friend who went for counselling for 5 years!

Hope you feel morepositive soon.

x-posts- thought you were in London /south before you moved in March. must have misunderstood.

No need to make any hasty decisions Fading, just keep on doing what you are doing now and see what the next few days / weeks bring. See what happens when he visits on Sunday too, both you and the children might react differently to the way you expect.

As the saying goes - "keep swimming".

Fading.. this so sounds like a mid-life 'crisis' that he is going to regret majorly in ......days/months/years. I really feel that what it will all boil down to is whether you will want to 'resusitate' the relationship and if so in what form. You are right it will have to be different, would it be worth bothering with?

Fading - please keep going to counseling, even if you don't initially see the point in it. You are right in the fact that you can't just "click your fingers". Try to think of it as a process. It takes time, tediously enough.

I won't bore you with a lecture/anectote about counseling but please know that it is very important, crucial in fact, especially because of the stage you are at now. You will have a great deal of hindsight wisdom on all of this when all is said and done, but right now you are "in the weeds" and you need a mental/emotional Sherpa. Counselling is a start.

Following your story and wishing you all the best.

I've only read the 1st and last pages of this thread, but I would like to say (probably repeating someone else over the last couple of weeks) you didn't just have him when he left, you have 5 DCS!!

I think you're a very strong lady to keep going the last 2 weeks and stay positive and in control of the situation. He was cowardly to leave a note and didn't think of the effect it may have on any of his 5 DCs, let alone you. Silly boy, whether he's start, mid or end life crisis. It's his crisis and don't let him drag you down

sending you strengh for the weekend and sunday in particular.

It will NEVER be the same again be sure of that.

It is hard to seperate the dc from what you want - as you only what the best for them too. But would you like him to come back only for them? I think not and i think you would rather it was for you.

Take as long as you need to make a decision about your future and dont worry if you do change your mind.

You are still on a rollercoaster of emotions.

Haven't got any advice to add, but hope this weekend goes okay and you stay strong. Thinking of you and your DC x

Well done for going FA. It's bound to stir things up a bit but in the long run I believe it'll really help you.

i was not so much embarrased by the idea of talking about sex, but where and how and when really. I still don't see how that is relevant. Unless maybe she was getting at is he getting something from this woman that he didn't get from me? Maybe that is what she meant.

I am still very fearful about Sunday and how I will react when I see him, given that the DC will be there too. I think I will play it polite and friendly, although not too friendly.

DD4 said to DS this morning, out of the blue "I miss daddy so much, do you?". Poor little soul.

the counsellor is not going to solve this , you are, the counsellor is there just to move your feelings along so that you can see them clearly rather than them getting in a tangle in your head.

not surprised you flit from one feeling to another, its all so confusing, nobody knows how they feel and what they want. the counsellor is there to support you in this uncertain time.

go with it. be in the present with all this uncertainty. look what inner resources you have pulled on in this time, resources you didn't even think you had at the beginning of this thread.

this all takes time but look how far you have come in two weeks.

i guess you are wondering how you should play it on sunday? don't worry, whatever you choose will be the right thing.

not wanting to throw mumbo jumbo in to the mix but wearing white has the effect of 'protecting' you from others negative feelings/vibes. it serves to create a sort of boundary so you can see what are your feelings / what are his. Thats why doctors wear white coats, not to look clean but to stop them absorbing all the negativity from their patients. just a thought - I shan't be offended if you think i'm ridiculous

in between the end of one phase and the beginning of another is nothing except a mass of confusion- this is a very creative time when things happen. - this is what i got from counselling, quite a sensible counsellor too, i had counselling when my partner of 8 years left me for another woman after years of treating me badly but telling me he wanted to marry me but not yet, there were no kids involved so not as serious as your situation but counselling was brilliant. I then had it again when i had PND. another counsellor but totally different.

if you don't get on with your counsellor tell them you feel uncomfortable - they won't take offense - its actively encouraged to have an open relationship with them.

The counsellor may be wanting you to aknowledge your part in the affair - and i think many woman (including ow) think there MUST be something lacking for an affair to develop. My counsellor said this - that affairs dont happen in happy marriages. At first i did think i was lacking but since my has come back and we have talked and talked i have come to realise that in fact it was he who had something missing not us.

The affair my h had would have happened anyway - just because it could - and he could get away with it - certainly not because he was unhappy about any part of our relationship.

Although of course the ow needed to feel that something was lacking in our marriage and i (as does my h)cringe when we talk about what they talked about, and she was interested to find my faults and play on them - showing him she was somehow better than i was.

Out of the fantasy of the affair my h sees there was nothing wrong with our marriage or sex life but knowing that ow was willing to massage his ego (along with other things) made him see our relationship as flawed.

However it is good to realise that no marriage is perfect and now is the chance to learn from any faults and make improvements to ensure this never happens to you again - either with him or in any other relationship.

You will learn and grow from this and be a better and stronger person - i am sure of that.

Interesting about wearing white - you will look amazing to him whatever you wear - he will expect you to have broken and will be in awe of you anyway.