please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

well its normal to think its better if he had died, thats a perfectly common thought process because you are in what you see as an intrractable situation and cannot see any way out.

you don't know how you will trust him or anyone in the future because you can't right now. the future is the future which is why you can't see it. but you probably will

as for him not speaking to you, well he left a note after 25 years, so its not surprising.

if he had said 'i'm leaving' you would have had a reasoned discussion where you would have said its madness and he would probably have to agree, but he wanted to go on holiday so he couldn't risk that cos then he wouldn't be able to go. i think he has behaved like a silly child.

i still think he just wanted a bit of holiday fun / romance / ego boost and has been completely ridiculous and immature about the whole thing.

of course i don't know the whole story, but i can't imagine anyone could throw a marriage away so easily when you didn't even notice a problem

i think he's been a complete idiot, i should think he is too ashamed to talk to you sensibly.

you, however , have behaved impeccably.

Good luck tomorrow FA. Try not to worry about the future...

Message withdrawn

of course i don't know the whole story, but i can't imagine anyone could throw a marriage away so easily when you didn't even notice a problem...

K - this is all to common. One of my BFs had this happen to her. He had been having a fling, was very stressed at work ( OW was a colleague) and he just left. He didn't leave to be with the OW- my friend says she was just a symptom, not the cause of the break up- and he didn't come back.

She DID think he'd been behaving differently, but put it down to stress at work.

I think a lot of people recognise the signs in retrospect, but maybe ignore stuff they don't want to see, or believe.

FA- i think you must focus on the present- any thoughts about letting anyone else into your life are way too premature, although I can see how you think that- but there are guys who will be in the same position as you (it takes 2 to have an affair so there are plenty of hurt men out there)and in time you might meet someone else- but don't even go there in your thoughts yet!

I have said this before and it may not help much, BUT you will get over this; you met your DH when you were so young and there has been no-one else for you. That must make this doubly hard, as you have had no other experience of being hurt. I was hurt terribly at 20 and wanted to die- I was in shock like you and felt I had lost my best friend as well as my right arm. I DID get over it, though can still feel the pain.

Give yourelf lots of time and don't expect every day to bebetter than the previous one- you will have ups and downs when you feel you are going backwards, but that's normal.
Let us know how the counselling went and if you liked him/her.

Can I just add to HowtotellMum's note - if you don't like the counsellor and don't click with them, don't give up, just find another one. Good luck

I had a text from him this morning:

"I know this is going to sound selfish. I'm trying to sort my head and feelings out. At the moment I am caught between a rock and a hard place because I don't know whether to stay where I am or come scuttling back home with my tail betwen my legs and beg forgiveness and the easiest way for me to do that is by not texting all the time."

Your thoughts, please?

So it's best I don't text him to ask why he hasn't contacted me to see how his children are then. In case it makes things harder for him.

And I wouldn't have said this a week ago but he is not going to decide if he comes home. I am.

(FA is feeling a tad more positive this morning. Hope it lasts)

i don't think you should worry about should you do this or that. do whatever you want to at the time. there will be ups and downs in whatever you decide to do, you will regret or not regret in equal measure, the most important thing is to respond honestly to how you are feeling.

you cannot control or manipulate another person in the long term, you can only behave how you feel you want to, and the outcome will be whatever it is.

i think he is putting the onus on to you. he wants you to take the responsibility - beg him to come back - then he can say he did it for you. he has to decide what he wants you have to respond depending on what you want.

you could text back. 'yes, very selfish' and leave it at that, let him worry about what you are thinking.
then when you are feeling more practical/positive/strong 'can you please contact the children and let them know you care'

keep mature and open channels to keep your children secure. I'm sure you both want that. easier said than done, i'm sure.

keep your emotions/feelings for him separate from that.

you are doing a great job keeping it all together by the way.

You are so right - it is not up to him whether he comes home now is it?? You have the POWER - and see how strong it makes you feel.

He is testing the water though to see if there is a chance that you will even consider forgivness - asking for your advice - twat. Although i do think all men think that way - by 'asking' you if you say 'ok stay away i dont want you back' he can blame you or if you say 'please come back you are my life etc' he can turn it around to say that he only came back because you needed him. See how weak he is.

I would say you understand and actually feel in a similar position to him and you both need time to consider what you want. Tell him not to come home until he is sure he can put the effort in to re-building his marriage. And say that you will not ask him to return until you are sure you want him back. He may well panic then thinking you may not want him back but at least he will know you are being serious.

Also a good tactic to pile on the guilt now if you think he can handle it - find him some stuff of the childrens - some things they made and say he can have them now. I kept a daily dairy of their activities and i know it broke his heart to not be part of their life then.

And I wouldn't have said this a week ago but he is not going to decide if he comes home. I am.

How true, Fading, good for you!
Agree with Kalo, he is being amazingly selfish and seems to think that you will be awaiting him with open arms.
You do need to keep lines of communication open, for your DC's sake.

If I am honest, a big part of me does want to beg him to come home. But I won't. If he decides he wants to it will be without me asking. And then I have to agree, and I don't know if I will. The last thirteen days have shown me that I can cope, even though I thought (and still think) I can't. I am doing it. I am at work and I am going to B&Q at lunchtime to look at paint. I may still be in denial but I will not let him see.

FA, just wanted to say you are doing so well. You have come a long way in such a short time.

FA - when you do look back and see just how strong you are and have been it will stay with you for a long time.

It is one of the possitives i carry with me from my h affair - i will always cope now.

Of course a huge part of you wants to beg him to come home - and do you know if you do that is fine - if that is how you feel now dont have any shame about having those feelings, but i think you are far more measured and deep than that and will only do it if it is 100% right for you now. You may well want to give him another chance once he has begged at your feet for forgivness, but he needs to do a lot more than admit he is selfish doesnt he?

Stay strong and keep us up to date.

It is still all about "ME,ME,ME". Until he can stop being selfish and wanting to sort HIS head out, and wanting you to make life easy for him (why on earth would you want to do that? he has not made life easy for you) you don't want him.
Stick with the part of you that copes without him, that is the real you, your real self.
In a way you can be grateful to him, because you might never have discovered the true you, if this hadn't happened.
Treasure that real self, because it is very valuable indeed.

Could you say to him that you BOTH need space to decide what you want to do, but that you need to at least meet or talk properly to discuss finances and child access?

You could also maybe say that you do not want any more texts from him (personally I hate texts - they seem an avoidance -way of communciating sometimes- why not leave vociemail or talk in real life?) - and that you will only communicate in real life- either by phone or in person.

having thought and read the other texts - yes i think if you say 'yes it is selfish - but we do need to sort somes things out like money and childcare - are you willing to meet somewhere to discuss this?'

It will make him see that you have already had to face the future and been able to think about it (something i doubt he did to any real extent). You will also sound very mature and in control (which you are).

Good for you FA. I'm so pleased you are feeling so positive about what you will accept from him. You will have lots to discuss with the counsellor.

PS: I guess the mature, compassionate, sensible thing for him to have done would have been to explain at the outset 'look, my head's mixed up, I need to sort out my feelings ... won't be in touch ... have told the children I'm going away for a bit .... sorry about this etc etc'.

yes BS, but he is an arse.

A fecking arse.

yes he is an arse and now feeling a sore one - maybe that grass is not looking so green now he is there eh? He had a lot of time to think this through before he just upped and left but yet poor lost lamb he still hasnt quite decided and if FA would be so good as to just help him make his little mind up and give him some clues or support as to what he should do.

Hold onto that anger you have now - let it out if need be.

Sorry, another one from me (should really engage brain before I click 'post message'). I think you also need to be clear with him that he doesn't just come back without working on your marriage. From what you have said about you, emotionally, I think you will discover a whole new you once you start to look at your real emotions with your counsellor (not just the ones you think you should feel). He clearly struggles with his emotions and appropriate expression of them and if you were both to go to some sort of couple counselling, I can see your marriage would actually be a lot stronger and deeper as a result of this.

I think it too can work - my h did an awful lot of begging (and still says sorry an awful lot).

But it is not an easy option by any means - FA will be a very different person now and it will take her a while to adjust to that too.

I think sometimes my h wishes we could go back to how we were - but then it couldnt have been that good eh?
Everything and i mean everything changes and it takes an awful lot of work.

At least he is making the right noises early on - ie only a couple of weeks without you and he is having a wobble - that is good.

[BottySpottom considers asking Mumsnet HQ to change FadingAway's name to FlourishingAway]

what kalo said!

pleased to hear things are moving along.
nothing to add advice wise.

a rock and a hard place? who created that then?

lets talk about paint

Oh I have no sympathy for him. He is between a rock and a hard place? I don't understand that. He has given you absolutely no opportunity to talk about this, in fact he has cut you off from any communication and left you to deal with the fallout from his libido.

At any point he could have talked to you, but no, he took the selfish route and left you to cope with family life without giving you warning or even the chance to say how you feel. Even now, he won't talk.

It seems like a classic case of running away from ones troubles and it seems he is finding out that this solves nothing, that troubles follow you unless you face them and deal with them.

So what if he did find the grass greener on the other side? No doubt that would just have been another thing dumped on you to deal with on your own. But because he is having second thoughts he feels it is necessary to text you - cheek.

He has no idea of what you have went thru these past two weeks and at no point did he actually put you first and consider how you might be dealing with this.

Oh know I am pointing out the obvious and must apologise for that but I just think he is being extremely, extremely unfair. My instinct would be to text him back once only and say something like "I refuse to text you and will not text you again. I only want to say that unless you can find it in yourself to face me with respect and talk to me, then I ask that you do not contact me because you are actually having a negative effect on how I am able to deal with this situation. Unfortunately your feelings at this moment are not my priority"

Fading, You are doing so well. Looking back over your posts from the past two weeks, it is easy to see that you are having more and more positive moments. Yes, of course you are going to wildy sway between feeling ok and feeling like crap, but the fact remains that you are the better person and you are the one who is holding it together whilst he tries to decide where to park his manhood.

Painting will be very therapeutic by the way