please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

Morning fading, hope your feeling OK today. We're all here whenever you want to chat, hoping your queitness is a sign you're not feeling quite so down but I appreciate it's very early days. Sending the sun your way....

Morning FA. Hoping all is well.

Hope all is well today. Hope today was as productive as you hoped it would be...

Good morning fadingaway, just popping by to see how you and your precious DCs are doing and to say that we are all still holding you in our thoughts. I do hope and pray that your colleagues are looking after you and that you are finding joy in the smiles of your children. Please look after yourself too.

I am sorry I didn't come back yesterday - I kept busy, busy until I couldn't stop really.

Today I took DS to the library once I got the DDs off to school. There was a minor setback when I wouldn't let him come home with an armful of Mills & Boon, but otherwise he has been fine today. I am thinking that really he acts the way he does because he is (only just) three, rather than me reading anything else into it, at least for now.

I am trying to be practical. I have parcelled up all DH's papers and stuff ready for him. I have had further texts and he says he is thinking constantly about whether or not to come back. A week ago I would have said yes,unequivocally, but now there is a little but insistent voice inside asking how I could ever trust him again. How I could ever feel content when he was out, wondering where he was. How I could ever sleep with him again?

But against that is the thought that DDs and DS would be overjoyed if he came back.

I am going to try the local MNers to see if they can recommend anyone local for jobs like decorating and laying carpet/flooring, as this house is in dire need and I really don't have time to do some things myself.
If anyone does know of anyone in the Durham area, please would they let me know?

I don't know if this is me trying to prove I can carry on, but if I make believe it long enough maybe it will come true.

And I am going to see a counsellor tomorrow.

I will come back later when the little ones are in bed.

Thank you, again for listening.

Fading you sound so much more positive, I'm thrilled that your H has said these things, thrilled because it will make you feel so much better.

I really want you to tell him to sling his hook, I agree with everything you say about never trusting him again and if I'm really totally honest I dont think you could, primarily as he was deceiving you for such a long time BUT you must do what you think is best, only you can decide and do what will make you happy not what everyone advises you to do.

Take your time and keep us updated.

I really really really dislike him for what he's done to you.

Good grief Fadingaway - you're making incredible strides here! You don't sound the same person to the person you were a week ago! Brilliant news about the counsellor. I'm not surprised he's doubting himself now - I'm so pleased you are thinking it through. His texts sound as though they are a little presumptious!

I hope you find someone for the house. Supermarkets usually have a board at the back for people like that.

Oh Fading, you sound so positive and motivated, good for you

I bet your husband is regretting his flit now, he has left a bright and capable woman and a lovely family.

Great news about the counsellor too.

You are doing so well

FA - at your littly wanting to bring home mills and boon books - obviously going to be a romantic soul.

Not really a surprise that your dh is having second thoughts. The grass is rarely greener on the other side.

Interesting that he has still only sent texts and not come to see you and talk through what on earth has been going on. How does he expect you to decide what to do when you only know half the story? Hopefully seeing a counsellor tomorrow will be helpful, gives you the opportunity to try and make sense of the last week and a half.

I know that people on here are livid with him(can't deny that the way he left was pretty shocking) but until you two speak it's impossible for you to know the truth. IME there are always two sides to every story (that's not to say I don't support you - of course I do) but I think you need to hear him out.
Good luck

You sound so much better today. I was getting a wee bit worried when there was no posts lastnight. I hope the counselling goes well.

Check out this thread for MNetters from your area, they may be able to suggest help in the area for the garden etc:

Durham MNetters

fantastic - you sound really strong. I am sure he may want to change his mind - but it is no longer up to him - how much in control do you feel now? The tables will be turned in your favour now, whatever you decide.

Even if you do want to give it another try, my one warning would be to take it really slowly and not be pushed into anything too soon.

Just think you now know for sure you could survive without him, and take strengh from that from now on.

Whatever happens the relationship will change forever.

fading - oh what a relief to see some positivity! This is great stuff - and decorating th ehouse is a brilliant way of making yourself feel better. I am contemplating a pink and flowery bedroom like I've always wanted!!

Some good advice here as usual.
just keep doing what you are doing. you are more than capable, and are proving it time and time again.
keep your head up, you are doing a sterling job.
its a pleasure to say we are behind you, cos that means we are winning

well done FA.

of course he wants to come back, he's been an idiot and he knows it. He's got a loving wife, who is no doubt gorgeous, who obviously loves him very much and is a wonderful mother to his five children, she keeps the house well , she's sensitive and warm and has never felt unhappy in his marriage and he has risked it all to go away on some tacky hol with his bit on the side.

course he wants to move back in. who wouldn't.
even i want to move in!

keep your head held high whatever you decide FA.
defo go to counselling though cos you will have lots of conflicting emotions that you need to sort out in your own mind so you can feel happy about what the next steps will be.

good luck. You have been very brave and strong, and even been holding down your job without losing it.

you get my vote for mum of the year!

My vote too .

A teeny bit of me worries that you are being positive because you think we want to read positive stuff. I hope you really are feeling this positive too though. Hope to see an update after the Apprentice!

So the grass is not greener on the other side after all for him. There is a surprise. He is thinking about coming back is he? How big and self assured of him. He obviously does not realise for one moment the damage he has done!

Fading, you sound so much more positive, it's really unbelievable and is proof positive that you can cope with this. Well done for staying strong. I am thinking that when you do eventually see him, you will see a very different man from the one you once knew.

Wishing you lots more strength and positivity!!

i just wanted to add that feelings change all the time. all things pass good and bad and i'm sure there will be many low points to come, but thats ok and you mustn't feel bad to take one step forward and two steps back.

i don't want you to feel that you couldn't go back to despair in case we are all disappointed with you, which of course we won't be.

not that i'm predicting badness, anyway i'm rambling.

keep on keeping on x

Wow fadaingaway like everyone else I am so pleased to hear that you are being proactive and independent and making some practical plans. Well done and good for you. You are coping so well. I know your heart is broken but you are fighting back which is wonderful for your self esteem and self respect and for your DCs to see their Mum being strong and capable. Of course they need their Daddy but don't be coerced into any decision until you are sure what is best for you all. Has your H even phoned and spoken to any of his DC or is he just communicating with you all by text? Have the DCs asked to ring him? Sorry these are rhetorical questions really - I don't want to interrogate you and I certainly don't expect you to share personal info but I'm just voicing my thoughts. It just seems strange that he will text but not visit or phone ... strange or cowardly maybe. So glad that you plan to see a counsellor. I know it will be difficult for you to share with someone new for the first time but just say what you feel comfortable sharing even if that's nothing on your first visit. I think it's a very brave and positive thing to make the decision to go. I hope you find it helpful

Redecorating the house sounds like a fab way of sending H a clear message that you can have a life without him if necessary and that you are your own person, not just Mrs H his wife. I hope you get some recommendations and came plough ahead with the work soon.

Wishing you much strength tomorrow and some happy times with your lovely DC. Glad that you had some time with DS today - he sounds a real character ... Mills and Boon Bless him.

Pleased you are feeling better. You certainly sound it!

would your H normally "talk" by text, or is this a cowardly way of communicating? Is he usually this type of person? i.e. non-confrontational?

Would you consider asking him to come and talk to you? I find it hard to believe that he has walked out and cannot talk to you or your DCs.

Don't worry if you cry when you see the counselllor- they are used to it!

Good luck tomorrow with the counsellor. Try to talk face to face with your husband. You are doing so well.

Good luck tomorrow fading, thought about you a lot today, so glad your sounding a lot better.

I want to talk to him, but his voicemail kicks in straightaway.

I am beginning to think he is scared. Scared of what is waiting here for him. He has told DD3 he will come to see them all on Sunday (the day after my birthday.....).

I did feel really positive earlier,but now that it is this time and the DC are away to bed and I'm here on my own, that's kind of fallen away.

Right this moment I fear for the future. Not, like I think I've said, for the DDs, as they will be fine and will grow up strong women like eldest DD, and hopefully DS to be a decent man (despite his questionable taste in literature), but for me, selfish as it is. I don't think I can ever trust anyone ever again, whatever they say, whatever they do. And if he did come back that would go for him too.

It is a terrible thing to say, but for all of you who said it would be better if he had died,I think you are right. There was a book about widows in the library and I skimmed it and all the chapters were there about grief and loss and denial and stuff and it was just as though that was me. The only book I could find about relationship breakdown seemed obsessed with what people do for a shag when their partner leaves (what do I do about that, too?).

And if he had died I would not feel this humiliation and shame that I do now.

I think tonight I will try to do without the sleeping tablet. I am still waking up over and again through the night and when I wake up properly to start the day I don't feel refreshed, and I am yawning and generally feeling rubbish for an hour or two.

Thank you again for listening.

Just come across this post, nothing much to add to the wise words already posted, apart from stay strong, you have lots of support here whenever you need it.