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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
elastamum · 11/05/2009 22:51

I can totally understand your position. I felt the same about conselling and even felt a little bit stupid the first couple of times I saw mine after my H did just the same, just upped and left us 3 weeks after we moved house to an area we knew no one. MN helped but my weeky sessions also helped a lot as they gave me a safe place to cry and rant and talk to someone about what was happening as in real life I had no one at all near by. It took me weeks to admit to anyone I had just met that we had been abandoned. Do give it a try, it will help you move forward and get through the dark days - there is light ahead. My H also left for an old slapper who knew he had a young family and knew we were all alone. I did once confront her and told her exactly how I felt about her, very therapeutic! He has since left her for someone else, but we are building a new life on our own and I can honestly say I am happy now. Sleep well

howtotellmum · 11/05/2009 22:54

FA - it is not "good" or "strong" behaviour not to ask for help.

It is Not good to bottle feelings up- the one thing my parents drummed into me when i was a child, was that I must always talk about what was upsetting me.

Counselling is not "clincial"- often they work from their homes.

Not asking for help is a sign of weakness.

You obviously aren't ready- but you actually need counselling to help you unravel WHY you find it unecessary or difficult to talk about your feelings in RL.

You obviously need to use MN to do so- it's no different- just in RL.

No -one here is being objective- we are all on your side- uou need a trained professional to help you come to terms with what has happened.

Won't mention it again, but please think about it. It's not good for your DCs to see you bottle things up, and they may grow up the same- unable to express how they feel,or show their emotions- not good

AbricotsSecs · 11/05/2009 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

motherlovebone · 11/05/2009 23:44

just do what you can, when you can, baby steps.

get through the moment.

will pop in tomorrow and see how you are.

goodnight

Onestonetogo · 12/05/2009 00:54

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman · 12/05/2009 06:52

elastamum - i remember your posts - wow you sound so strong now and in control well done you.

FA - what about seeing if you can get someone to come and talk to the children. I had 4 when my h left and they all dealt with it very differently. I didnt get a counsellor in for them but did seek help myself and was able to discuss their needs too.
My ds pretty much anounced it to the class at school yet privately was very withdrawn and still has a problems even now if we leave him (he is 11 now). My daughter took a long time to see daddy as anyone but her hero and did not tell anyone for a long time. AT first she was quiet but now she has friends whos parents go through rough patches and she tells me she tells them her story. She is also very puzzled by the actions of the ow - and will often ask questions about her (this upsets my h, but i try and be as open and honest as i can with her). She says she could never ever be with a married man who had children and she is pretty cynical as she also remembers the lies he told her. At the time she was nearly 11.

My son has lost all respect for his father - it was not the greatest bond in the first place - he was so strong for me then and we have a fantastic relationship now.

Our baby was too young to remember anyway.

AS for the ow - she will not be proud of herself - but she has probably been strung a load of lies from your h. One day she will hopefully know the truth and see your h for the weak man he really is. The touble with you not appearing in rl to have emotion is that she may well believe what your h is saying - that you dont care ect....

She will have to justifying her behaviour to herself somehow wont she.

Have you been able to seek any legal advice - i did it over the phone at first which helped me get it all out. It really makes you feel stronger to know that he can not just up and leave you without some consequences. You need to protect your children now too.

I am surpised he has not contacted you but i feel that maybe he has been planning this for some time and has had a long time to sort out his emotions and detact from you and the family. Are the texts to the children asking about how you are coping? As again he may think you are doing ok so it wont make him feel guilty.

Anyway hope you have a better day. thinking of you, and please keep posting you are not a burden at all.

Original poster
fadingaway · 12/05/2009 07:54

he texted last night to say he was thinking about us 24/7 (I hate that expression).

Today I am going to sort the mortgage, Council Tax and get the car booked in for its MoT.

I can take on the world today (at least I can at five to eight in the morning).

Thank you all, again.

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/05/2009 08:10

Good for you fadingaway! Have a productive day x

Dalrymps · 12/05/2009 08:32

Morning fading, glad you're taking on the world today . Hope it's as sunny where you are as it is here.

daisybaby · 12/05/2009 08:52

Great to read that you feel able to take on the world, and take some control over the situation. Hopefully, that will empower you. Hopefully, will be a bit of a shock to him when he realises too, since the control has all been on his plate up to now.

motherlovebone · 12/05/2009 09:57

im a bit at his text, if he is thinking of you all so much why doesnt he come home and rebuild his house?
how are the children today? has DS calmed down? i use the bach sleep remedy with my daughter, and thorougly recommend it. Boots sell it.
so so pleased you are in a posotive frame of mind.
speak later

HappyWoman · 12/05/2009 10:52

he is texting to ease his guilt.
One of the worst texts my h sent was to say all he wanted was to see the children asleep in their beds it would be sunshine on his heart.

However he may be in turmoil - which is a good thing imo. If he isnt now he soon will be. The reality of what he has done will soon kick in (good).

well done for being able to sort some stuff. How about having a bit of a clear out too when you are ready - making some space that is just yours now will make you feel better. Even if he does come back you will have your own private place to retreat to.

Take it easy though you dont have to do too much too soon.

oliviasmama · 12/05/2009 11:33

Well done Fading, glad to hear your feeling good.

Do you really think he's thinking of you all the time... I really somehow don't think that is at all true.

He's one guilty wimp and rightly so!

Happy day.

Lizzylou · 12/05/2009 11:35

Hope that you have a good and productive day, FA.
It sounds from his text as if your husband is either trying to assuage his guilt or is regretting his decision. Either way, it really is his loss at the moment.

Onestonetogo · 12/05/2009 12:31

Message withdrawn

BottySpottom · 12/05/2009 13:30

Shame he wasn't thinking of you 24/7 when he started his sordid little affair.

Fantastic news that you are feeling so strong today . I hope you are having a good day and sorting things out. I think being in control of that side of things will make you feel better and stronger.

numal · 12/05/2009 15:55

Feeling guilty 24/7 more like it! Glad you are feeling better today.

silkcushion · 12/05/2009 20:35

evening FA - hope you took on at least part of the world today

BottySpottom · 12/05/2009 21:43

FA, there is so much support for you on here it has taken me nearly 1/2 hour to get into this thread; it's huge! That's probably why there haven't been as many messages of support as usual today.

I hope your today was OK and that you managed to remain positive.

numal · 12/05/2009 21:46

Hope today has been bearable for you. Post when you can, sleep well.

AbricotsSecs · 12/05/2009 22:10

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kalo12 · 12/05/2009 22:10

of course he is thinking about you 24/7.

i am sure he will be regretting this all, why wouldn't he?

he just wanted to go on holiday with his fancy woman, now the holiday is over he's probably realising what he has lost.

as for other woman, i bet she's not all that, he hasn't spent that much time with her if you didn't notice it was going on.

the stress and strain of him feeling guilty is going to finish that relationship soon enough for sure.

you stay strong now, and do something nice for yourself. sleep well.

BottySpottom · 12/05/2009 22:46

Night FA - I'm off to lock up. I hope that your non-posting tonight is a positive sign and not a sign that you think we are fed up with you or will nag you! Sleep well.

HappyWoman · 13/05/2009 07:27

hope you have a good day today - the weather here is not so good today but hope it is where you are.

You are doing well even if you dont feel it.

motherlovebone · 13/05/2009 08:17

Morning Dear, please drop us a line soon so we know you are ok

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