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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 11/05/2009 18:49

dont forget we're here for you fading

Dalrymps · 11/05/2009 19:45

Thinking of you fading x

HappyWoman · 11/05/2009 19:47

wallow if you need to - it is ok. It really is a rollercoaster and whatever you are feeling is ok.
If/when the anger comes try and find a way of releasing it safly - are you able to find a place where you can scream really loudly? It really does help, as does punching/kicking a pillow.
And crying is a good way to release too and is normal so dont feel you have to hold back.

Even on these bad days try and find something that you can say you feel proud to have done - even if it is making the childrens tea. Maybe write things down so you will be able to see just how far you have come.

Anyway take care and hope you are feeling a little better tomorrow.

BottySpottom · 11/05/2009 19:58

OT, but can someone please tell me how I can quickly access this thread and catch up with recent posts? When I click on threads I am on and see my post as one of the posts, it doesn't always take me to it when I click on it. Am I doing something wrong? Thanks.

Original poster
fadingaway · 11/05/2009 21:02

It is not so much that I am unwilling to seek help. But I honestly don't think talking about this over and over to anyone in RL will help. It won't bring my DH back, nor will it change what has happened. It might have helped to talk if, say, I knew I had problems within my marriage, or if my DH (or I) had had affairs before,or other issues. But all I could say to a counsellor is that he has gone without any warning, and left me solely responsible for the DC. Because that's what happened.

I'm really sorry if I've been relying on MN too much, I didn't mean to make people feel like that.

OP posts:
daisybaby · 11/05/2009 21:09

I'm sure that no-one thinks you are relying of MN too much. It's just that you're going through such a great trauma that you might benefit from help from other sources as well.
As people have said time and again, you have coped amazingly well, and I am sure you will continue to do so.
You are one hell of a woman and mum .

Jenice · 11/05/2009 21:11

We don't think that at all. I do agree with the thought that you need to speak to someone in real life though aswell. If your DH had died you may need bereavement counselling to get through that and this is similar because you have just lost the one person that was your companion for the last 25 years and who you loved and still love. The only difference between this and death is that he has made you feel like the last 25 years were nothing which is just not true and you have the added torment of wondering what he is doing and who with. Counselling will be an environment where you can vent(just like MN) but you will get the added bonus of being taught how to deal with your feelings by someone who is trained to help people in your situation. It will benefit you and your DCs.

motherlovebone · 11/05/2009 21:16

Gosh, i dont feel put upon (its the net fgs!) i think poster was just concerned that you dont have any outlet for this grief.
i think counselling can help, by working through your feelings and a safe place to come to terms with things. if you feel it isnt for you thats ok. keep posting, we are all behind you.

BottySpottom · 11/05/2009 21:16

I'm sure no-one thinks that FA.

Original poster
fadingaway · 11/05/2009 21:20

And I thought he may have been in touch tonight, if not me then one of the DDs, but Newcastle are playing at home.

I am so trying to get angry, I really am, but I can't. Maybe it would help a bit if I could get to that part.

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingaway · 11/05/2009 21:24

DD3 has just come down to tell me he texted her at 8.53pm.

Half-time,presumably..............

I honestly think he must be losing his mind. A football match more important than his family???

OP posts:
SnowWoman · 11/05/2009 21:31

FadingAway, please keep posting if that is what you need to do to get you through this. I am amazed at the strength, dignity and grace you have shown in dealing with this situation.

MN will be here as long as you need us to listen to you.

howtotellmum · 11/05/2009 21:45

You WILL begin to feel angry- it is like grief- you will feel shock (now) then anger and guilt and all kinds of other stuff- then you might be able to forgive in time.

You can open up here, so why not in RL?

You are already suffering guilt- feeling you did something wrong - and these are the sort of feelings you need to get out and discuss with a counsellor.

No one is suggesting you shouldn't post here- but it's not a substitute for RL- and you seem to find it hard to communicate in RL.

Why not book one session with someone in Durham- on the link I posted- and see what happens?

BottySpottom · 11/05/2009 21:46

We will all be here FA. I for one will stop nagging you re counselling. You know what you can manage right now.

Why was your day so bad? Were the children upset too?

Lizzylou · 11/05/2009 21:47

Fadingaway, you do need to speak to someone in rl, honestly, we are all here but you need to open up to someone, or else you'll burst.

howtotellmum · 11/05/2009 21:58

BS didn't mean to nag, but just encourage.

The thing is, FA is already having probs with self-esteem, and confidence- and guilt.

This is a general point- if a relationship has failed- especially after a long time, it can be really helpful to talk and get rid of baggage before even thinking about another relationship, or adjusting to being single.

I seriously worry for you FA if you don't let other people into your life in any kind of close way- it's not healthy and you will carry a lot of stuff with you that should be vented.

Original poster
fadingaway · 11/05/2009 22:00

they argued and whined, etc. etc. DD4 now has earache so that is why she was out of sorts. So now I feel bad that I wasn't nicer. And I feel bad that she didn't get her operation today - if she had her ear may not be hurting now.

DS has run around shouting (I mean really shouting) and hitting us all day and I don't know if this is his way of showing he is upset, or just his age. There is still so much I don't know about having a DS..

I don't know why I don't want to see someone. It's like it is very clinical, making arrangements to go to see someone to get upset in an office (does that make any sense?).

I am also probably a Bit Proud. I don't want anyone "real" to know how much I am hurting. I could not cry in font of anyone. My mother was the same, she would never take help from anyone and everyone admired her for that. It's a trait I wish I hadn't inherited.

And while I am on a roll, what kind of catch is a man with five children? He is not rich. She apparently knows he has five children. Is she desperate? Or just evil and posionous.

OP posts:
BottySpottom · 11/05/2009 22:02

Howtotellmum - I didn't mean that you were nagging - I have been!

numal · 11/05/2009 22:03

I can understand your reluctance to seek professional RL help. However, you may be able to view your situation in a different light after talking to someone who can offer some practical advice.
There is plenty of time for that in the future, for now you are doing well just to get through each day and night.
I think your husband has had a massive mid life breakdown.
When you realize how your children are hurting you will start to feel very angry.
Wishing you a quiet night and a better day tomorrow.

Original poster
fadingaway · 11/05/2009 22:05

poisonous even.

I mean, would he chase a woman who had five kids?

(well he ran away from one......)

I am going to try and come back and type some swear language. Maybe it will help if I start name-calling.

OP posts:
numal · 11/05/2009 22:06

She is evil and poisonous

BottySpottom · 11/05/2009 22:07

Desperate, evil and poisonous I expect.

It may be clinical etc - but the beauty is that he/she would be confidential and trained to ask the right questions. Do you want your DC to 'inherit' that reticence to ask for help? if not, then they need to see you do so. Sorry, I said I wouldn't nag

If you are unsure about DS, then she could guide you with that if you get the right person. Repressed anger in a small child can rear its head in all sorts of ways - she could help you talk it out.

If you want to mail me: h o t c h o c 1001 @ y a h o o . c o . u k

BottySpottom · 11/05/2009 22:09

Let us help you with the name calling! I don't need any encouragement!

BottySpottom · 11/05/2009 22:23

Night Fading - I hope you don't get too many wake up calls.

Lizzylou · 11/05/2009 22:28

She is obviously a poisonous and deluded old slapper with no morals.
Go on, get angry, get it all out.
I would probably have taken her head off by now (but noone would ever call me dignified and calm ).
Oh, and I have two boys of 5 and 3, they were wonderfully behaved all weekend, but tonight , jeez, so may not be anything but toddler behaviour.
Sleep well x

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