please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

A close family member of mine was left in similar circumstances (but not such a long marriage) by an idiot who walked out on her after having 5 children together. He also just upped and left when she was out one day but he cleared out their bank accounts and took furniture (including their bed) to furnish his flat with the ow. This was more than 20 yrs ago. She did have a tough time at first but then met someone else and has such a fantastic relationship with him that some of the children changed their names by deed poll to his (entirely their choice they were older teenagers). He supported them whilst they were at school and has been everything a dad could be to them.
The ex is separated from the ow, none of his children have a close relationship with him, some haven't seen him since he left and he has only seen one of his grandchildren (who has the new partner's surname). He regrets his decision but my relative does not!

Now of course that is just one experience and perhaps you wouldn't want that break down between your ex and the children. However, life does move on, it is difficult to see it at the time but I'm sure there is life and joy for you in the future.

No, he won't get up in the night unless he wants to. But, neither will he have peace of mind again, ever, until the end of his days. You, however, have nothing to be ashamed of - I know which I'd rather.

If you feel shame talking to your DC's friends' mothers, please consider a counsellor. They won't judge you, it will be totally confidential. You need to seek support and your children need to know and to see that you are not an island, so that they can seek support when appropriate in their lives.

Night FA. You're doing fantastically .

night

""According to him I am "nothing" "

No, no..that is how he justifies his bad behaviour to himself. That way he doesn't have to acknowledge to himself that he is a liar and a cheat. He is shifting the blame.

He is weak for having an affair, and weak for not assuming responsability for it.

Its like when a child has done something and automatically says "It wasn't me!!!!"

He is childish, and cruel.

And please see a counsellor!!
In the meantime, could you try and imagine a future...doesn't have to be a specific time - when you are happy? Just try and create a positive image for yourself...

You certainly are not useless in any way - and none of this is your fault.

One day and it will be sooner than you think you will reply to a post on here and give some good advice - you will be giving the support to others.

Many of us have been there and i now find it helps me to know that i am repaying some of the kindness i got.

I emailed a few people too and have met with a few too. No-one will judge you if you do that. Do try and get some help - however small that is.

Good luck with the week - thinking of you.

How're things this morning Fading?

Fading - yours is the first post I check and I hope you had a decent night's sleep.

I imagine you will be in work today. Please be kind to yourself and if you can talk to someone- do so. How about your boss, he/she needs to know how you are and may be in a position to help in some practical way. If you keep pushing yourself you may find it will all become too much and you just can't cope. I'm not trying to put you under any more pressure than you already are but I am concerned for your health. Perhaps a visit or a chat with your GP...

Take care, along with many others I am thinking of you.

Morning Fading. I hope you slept.

Good morning FA. I hope that you slept well, and weren't needed too often in the night.

I have three friends who have all had to start again recently - one at 42, one at 46, the other at 52. All are now very happy in new relationships, enjoying romantic breaks abroad with their new partners who are noticeably much more attentive than their husbands ever were.

However, they have all been through really tough times to get there. There's no quick route up from the bottom, but on the other hand, there is only one way - up. You will get there, and you will have a large loving family around you, as you start life afresh.

Echoing those who suggested counselling when you are ready. Having someone professional to listen and to put things in perspective can be incredibly helpful, and would allow you to let your guard down for a while, with someone you are not going to bump into in the playground afterwards.

Thinking of you this week

I woke up again. DS was up twice in the night wailing.

Today should have been DD4's operation so she is off school. DD2 has exams and is off to revise so I did a terrible thing and kept DD3 off too. DS of course is too little to be at school. I just wanted them all near me. I have never,ever kept any of them off before unless they were ill........how selfish is that? Not that DD3 seems to mind being off..

I am going to try and get out in the garden today. The grass needs cutting too but we have a petrol mower and I can't even get it out of the shed, it's too heavy. This is a time when I wish I knew someone with a DH/DP to ask if he'd mind helping.I'd even pay.

There is no word from DH.

Thank you for your posts last night and this morning. You can't imagine, but they keep me going.

Fadingaway, When my ds and I were going through a bad time (he has autism and finds socialising at a school very hard, can't make friends and feels really lost) I kept him off for a day. We had a nice little mental health day and played games and baked cookies. It did him some good. The kids are going through a bereavement. It's okay to relax about school right now.

Do you know anyone at work who has a teenage son who would cut the grass for some money? My parents used to loan out my brother all the time to cut people's lawns.

If you ever want to drop me a line my address is nicadelic2 at aol.com. I am in the north as well kind of. I think you said earlier that you are in the north.

Don't worry about your DD having the day off FA. We did the same on Friday as we were meant to be going somewhere but DC2 was off sick and DC3 too little for school. DC1 had a day off and had a lot of fun. Your daughter will remember this day as the day she skipped school and had fun with Mummy in the garden - far more important for her at this time.

Morning fading. Sounds like you have a lovely relaxing day planned

I wouldn't wory in the slightest about keeping DD3 off school. It doesn't matter in the slightest in the grand scheme of things and as you say she's happy anyway.

Sorry we're not closer or my dh would cut your grass. I'm sure you'll find someone to do it. Maybe you could get a flymo? They're really light and easy to use, we got one from Argos for £27 last week, bargain!

Sorry you were up through the night...

Hope it's nice and sunny down there (i'm in Berwick upon Tweed), it is here

Hang in there, it will get better...

i am sure you will find someone willing to cut the grass - once exams are over there will be a lot of students willing to do the odd job for a bit of extra cash.

You will feel great to know that you are able to cope and overcome these problems yourself.

Dont worry too much about keeping your dd off school - it sounds as if you are a great mum, and they will know that.

Have a good day - hope the sun is shining for you - it is a bit windy here and so a bit chilly for much gardening.

Good morning.
sad that your son didnt want cuddling, but good that he doesnt need it.
as for taking time off, children are allowed for personal reasons im sure.

you are lonely now, thats natural, but i think you will have a very full life to retire to, 5 children, possible grandchildren, i think you will need a bigger table!

you are reaching out now, hopefully in time you will reach out in RL and start to build friendships.
its hard, but not impossible.

everything is transient, so is this pain, lots have walked this path you are on and actually turned the corner smiling. you will be one of those, because you are a smart lady.

have a lovely time in the garden and we will talk to you later.

Fading where are you based, roughly? Sorry if you've already stated....

FA, he won't even sleep at night again probably. I think it sounds to be as if you are going through the correct emotion of utter despair, that is bound to be how you feel right now. anger will come later. you seem to be on the ball and are able to discuss it on here, thats good.

i have every faith in you FA. 42 is nothing by the way, you have years ahead of you to enjoy life and your children.

can your eldest dd's dp help with mowing the lawn?

You are doing brilliantly considering all you have been through in the last week and a half. I'm glad you are having a day with your children today because you need time with them to remember why your job as a mother is probably the most important job in the world. You have conducted yourself with dignity and should be very proud of that because you have every reason not to.

In time it will get easier to cope and eventually you wont just be coping, you'll be living your life again.

As for being lonely for the rest of your life, I don't believe that at all. For a start I can list a number of your qualities that will be attractive to people:

1. You are a strong woman (You have held everything together for the last week which has taken a lot but you have managed)
2. You are dignified even when life throws its worst at you
3. You are a clever woman (solicitor)
4. You are faithful and loyal
5. You love your children more than anything else in the world
6. You can remain calm when a situation presents (otherwise you would have been phoning and texting you DH day and night)
7. You are not selfish in even the tinyiest bit

These are only a few things about you I have gathered from reading this thread and I am sure that away from this situation you have many more qualities which make you an attractive person. In fact I can't pick out any negative things about you at all. You would be a great catch for most men. So I can't see you being lonely forever.

This OW may be a bit of excitement for your DH at the moment but I bet it doesn't last and in the meantime you will eventually get on with your life and he'll realise what he has given up and how stupid he has been. If he doesn't realise it then he really is more stupid than we all know.

Have you been in touch with any MumsNetters in your area yet??

I am in the north-east, County Durham.

I will come back later.I am not having the best of days today.

Thank you!

Just keep swimming... We'll be here when you get home.

FA PLEAS will you think seriously about finding a local counsellor?

You are being given some geat support here, but it is no substitute for talking in RL.

I don't want to appear to "kick you when you are down" but it seems you are unwillling to look for outside help, or share what has happpened with many people in RL.

From what you have said in your posts, you have lived a rather insular life with your DH and DCs- not having many friends or anyone to talk to since you moved to the NE. Iknow we are all very different, and some people are naturally loners, and don't reach out to make friends easily- BUT if you are to come to terms with this , you really do need some sort of professional counselling and an impartial listener.

I had a very close friend whose DH left her after 25 years, leaving her with 2 boys and a health problem which was potentially life-threatening. She sought counselling and said it was absolutely vital that she did so.

Friends, family and MNs can only do so much- I think you are in danger of relying on "virtual" friendships, when it may really hep to get some face to face support.

You can search for counsellors here www.bacp.co.uk

wam.bacp.co.uk/wam/SeekTherapist.exe?GETRESULTS

here, FA

Sorry you are not having a good day FA. Beautiful sunny days make problems seem worse somehow - they rub salt into the wound.

I imagine being back at work, where you have to cope, will be better for you tomorrow.