please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

I cant believe he is trying to blame you for his problems.
some wise old saying "if someone gives you a gift and you do not accept it, it belongs to them" the same in this situation.

nothing more to say, just so very sad, and angry on your behalf.

take care, write soon.

Hope today is going OK for you fading. You raeall need to get on to that name change. Maybe 'IWillSurvive' or somethin equally as positive. Go on, it'll make you feel a tiny bit better i'm sure

I agree with longtailljosie about your H's 'problem', NOT yor fault, HIS fault for being a guitly rotten cheat, don't dwell on it.

Have you thought any more about the counselling? We're here for you...

Obviously I meant really not raeall?!

Fading, you OK?

how you getting on FA?

thinking of you

I got through another day, keeping busy.

I have ironing to do which will keep me busier a lot longer,then, I don't know....

He sent a text this morning "how is everyone" or something. I texted him to ask him to ring and talk to the DCs before bathtime, but he didn't. I can't believe that he wouldn't do that, wouldn't ring them to say goodnight.

I am beginning to think he has lost his mind. It must be some kind of crisis or seomthing. According to him I am "nothing" but there is not one single thing on this earth that would keep me away from my DCs. I spent 23 years, since DD1 was born, thinking that he felt the same.

That's a long time to be taken in by someone, isn't it? And it just adds to this horrible, humiliated feeling I have.

Fading, he is a sad, confused and selfish man desperate to try and explain his hideous actions.
Of course you didn't have "nothing", he is being despicably cruel, truly, just swanning off, ringing/texting when he feels like it.
I would say that this OW is welcome to him, how could you be with someone who could act so callousy to the ones he is supposed to love?
You sound such a good and organised Mom, you always seem to be ironing/cleaning/washing, I am a slattern. I think you are amazing, I know you don't feel like it at the moment, but you are. That's why your DC are so wonderful too.

He probably wasn't taking you in from the outset FA. He has changed. Recently by the sound of it. I expect 'she' got him when he was bogged down in family life, and got her claws into him.

How weird to text you like that - I mean, what a stupid question given the circumstances. What did you say in your text back? do you try and make small talk with him?

I can understand you feel humiliated - it must be a horrible feeling.

I didn't really engage him in small talk I just asked if he would ring them.

Although I admit thatI did send a message last night saying he couldn't think much of his own children if he could do that to me knowing I was all alone with no help etc and knowing that I would be destroyed by it.

The way I have been feeling he has been lucky the Police and Social Services haven't turned up at her door looking for him with his now motherless DCs.

Maybe it's because he knows I am stronger than that. See. He knows me. It's just me that doesn't know him, obviously.

My FIL and SIL have not been in touch,although it must be very hard for them being torn between me and their son/brother. So thak you all again for keeping me going - you really are all I have now. I will come back for another whine when I have done the ironing.

Fadingaway - I have followed your thread in sheer disbelief at what your H has done. I cannot for the life of me understand why he would treat you and the DCs in such a way - to leave a note shows what a coward he is.

Please do not give up, you have a tremendous amount of support here and many people who care for you and will continue to support you for as long as it takes. I do agree though that you must seek help for yourself and for the sake of your DCs, you cannot do this alone and nor should you have to.

Remember that any woman who would knowingly take a man away from his wife and children is poison, and rest assured he will come to realise this, by which time you will have moved on and he will have plenty of time to learn to live with his regrets.

Please take care, you are doing so well.

He is trying desperately to justify his actions as I'm sure however much he wants to be with this woman he must feel terribly guilty about tearing his family apart. One thing that has sprung to mind, my brother had an affair, he maintains to this day that he was completely in love with this woman and was prepared to leave his wife and children to be with her, it didn't happen as when it came down to it he couldn't leave his children and his wife literally begged him to stay. He was dreadful to his wife, said all the things your husband is saying and probably more but he says that he tried to make his wife hate him and in doing that he thought it would make his exit much easier...(for him selfishly)! So when he's spouting all this rubbish about you not being anything and that you had nothing, I imagine it's all about making himself feel easier. As for your FIL and SIL, as you say it's very difficult to be in the middle, I'm sure they really feel for you and your family, give them a little time and see if things change.

Are you feeling angry about what he's done yet? I'd love the answer to be yes but I sense from your posts that it's still just utter sadness. He's been so selfish and cowardly in his actions Fading, to you all not just you....and I completely agree with an earlier post that said something along the lines of "you don't do things like this to your children if you love them"...words to that effect anyway - I couldn't agree more, I think he's not given them too much consideration at all. What a selfish bastard.

Keep going Fading, we're all behind you.

He is indeed very lucky that you haven't given up on your children in that way ... as are they.

Do your FIL and BIL not know that you have no-one? I appreciate it must be hard for them, but they are still the grandfather/uncle.

I'm really not surprised you sent that text. I hope it shook him to the extent it should have done.

You've got two week-ends under your belt now FA, well done.

I have said it on other threads and I will say it here. Nothing will make even the most devoted husband and father turn his back on his loving family, treating them with contempt and disregard........like the opportunity for a fresh piece of a**.

An opportunity like this will have the husband seeing nothing but the bad in his wife and marriage and forgetting all the good. This anger and general horridness towards the wife is a defense mechanism to justify harming their childrens' mother, and harming the children through her. If you hurt a child's main carer and you hurt the child.

I have always believed that most men cannot rise above this. A new woman presents herself and suddenly they hate their wife and have a 100 reasons to leave their family and not pay for their children.

The person who said that women who help men to get away with this are poison was right. I call cheating fathers of young children
and their OW's child abusers. There are fair and honourable ways of ending a relationship.

Your thread breaks my heart fading away. You will be happy again someday. It's going to be a long road but honestly, the pain will go away.

I think your husband is such a dick for leaving you. There are some nice men out there and they would kill to find a nice, strong, loving, loyal woman like yourself. There are men out there looking to find someone like you.

i dont know if you could focus on anything right now but Louise Hay has written some wonderful books. You Can Heal your Life is excellent.
i hope you manage to get some rest and peace tonight.
will be back tomorrow.
night

There are so many wise comments today FD.

You have made a herculean effort to get through the last 10 days.

You are an amazing woman and we are all here to support you.

thank you, very much.

I have checked and checked the phone and nothing.

I am trying very hard to get angry, but I am just so sad.

And I worry about the future. Not for my DC as I will make them alright, but for me. Who in their right mind would want a mother of five children? All I can see ahead is loneliness for me. DS came into my bed this morning and I tried to hold onto him, but he wouldn't have it. He just wanted to squirm away too.

And I would be good to someone. I wouldn't be unfaithful to him. I'd be kind and loving, all the things I thought I had been all this time. What a complete and utter waste.

Hello FadingAway, I'm new to this thread but have just caught up with your sad story and wanted to send you my love and prayers for strength and hope. Like everyone else I am utterly outraged on your behalf and unable to comprehend the pain you and your precious DCs must be in.

How are the older DCs doing? I assume that the three of them 'understand' what has happened? They must be hurting and confused bless them. Are they trying to get answers from you? The two little ones must miss their Daddy. What on earth is he thinking . It beggars belief that he can abandon his family so suddenly and heartlessly but thank goodness the children have YOU. You have remained their stable point of reference, their security when their world has been turned upside down. Every smile you give them, every cuddle reassures them that they are loved and safe. You have been SuperMum this past week and they need you now more than ever before ...

... but you need someone to support, help and encourage you too. Someone to make you coffee and hug you and cry with you. Someone who can 'give' to you so that your emotional and physical resources are replenished. You must think about yourself too. You are giving and giving and giving unconditionally to your gorgeous children, please let someone do the same for you if they offer. Consider counselling or meeting up with local Mumsnetters. Do you have a friend you could call from your last job maybe? Does BIL have a DW or DP who you could talk to? Is there a Mum in the playground or at Nursery or a Mum of one of your DC's friends? Sorry just searching around for ideas ... you need a hug too SO glad that you are gaining strength from the support you have had on this thread. We are all aching to help in any way we can.

Sending you a huge hug FA. You are doing so well you really really are.

I have nobody in RL, really. I couldn't tell DC's friend's mothers, I would die. I am so humiliated and ashamed, even when my BIL/FIL ring for news. They ask if I have heard from him or know where he is, and I don't. I just want to tell them why don't you ring him then, if you want to know, but I don't.I just keep my stupid mouth shut.

I shouldn't be humiliated or ashamed, but I can't help it. It's like I must be so useless, so gross, that even my own husband doesn't want to be near me.

Sorry. I'm not making sense again.

FA

A friend has been in a similar situation to you recently after 17 years of marriage and 3 children. Similar age. (But he didnt leave in one day)

They did separate. She totally unexpectely very quickly met someone who is making her happy (it is early days)

He found out the other woman wasnt a very nice person. He is lonely in a flat on his own, totally shocked she has moved on.

Not of course saying this will happen to you but you can move on and not be lonely.

You are doing really well. All your feelings are normal - it is so painful. The uncertainty is awful.

Please take up all the support you can - why not start to tell and lean on old friends - maybe some farther away. To have good support made a big difference to my friend. If you could have someone to talk to on the phone each night it would make the evenings more bearable.
Do something tomorrow to treat yourself for all the hard work you have been doing.

Hi FA. I see that you're keeping on swimming, and just doing that is enough. x

Talk to us fadingaway.

There are lots of men out there who have been through what you have. I know I often sound very anti men but there are good ones out there. So many of these guys would kill to have a loyal, loving woman by their side. Seriously. Guys at work talk and I evesdrop. They sometimes say the same things we do...all woman cheat etc etc. Lots of them treated their wives and gf's like goddesses and got dumped for a bloke with a nicer car. I actually heard one of them say "All I want to do is find a nice woman who doesn't cheat and wants to spend time with me, but women like that don't exist." His fiance of 5 years suddenly walked out on him for her boss a few years back and he isn't getting over it.

You won't get wasted. Someone will snatch you up when you least expect it, he'll take you on holiday and you'll look back on this time and think...I am so glad I got through all that and carried on.

What goes around comes around. A person can't do what your h did and expect anything other than a whole lot of negative, evil, energy to come back around.

Message withdrawn

I see him as the one who will have the lonely future fading, definately not you.

Funny how things turn out in life.

thank you (sorry, I seem to say it a lot, but it's not sufficient so I keep repeating it).

I am going to go to bed - someone will need me in the night no doubt. Unlike DH who need never get up at night again unless he wants to...

I will be back tomorrow - thank you all so much again.

Sorry FA I didn't mean to push you in any way I just didn't want you to bear all this pain alone. I hear what you are saying - it would be impossibly hard to share what has happened with someone you don't really know well enough or didn't have a friendship with (except perhaps a professional like your doctor or a counsellor). But lots of people on here now know what has happened so maybe you could think about letting another (local) mumsnetter help? You could start by just emailing on a one to one basis first and then if you felt that you might be able to relate to her in RL you could speak by phone. I know if I was near to you I'd be happy to support you and email you (well I still am of course) but I think you need a friend who can meet you for coffee and nip to Sainsburys for you or take the dog for a walk ...

You have nothing to feel ashamed about ... you have been a loving faithful wife and Mum. Wishing you a peaceful nights sleep FA.