please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

Please don't even think of doing anything stupid tonight. As BS says you really now have to speak to a lawyer and get the big guns out. Start fighting back, enough is enough. No more Mrs Reasonable.

He clearly wants to hurt you and you are going to respond (I hope)in a way that he may not be expecting.

Whatever the state of your marriage before he disappeared you deserve a lot more respect than this.

FA- you must talk to people in RL. I have not read all your posts, but have you no relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbours to talk to?

If your H has phoned, have you not asked him to meet you to mmet you to discuss this?

As a lawyer before, you must have contacts in the legal world who can help you now..?

Don't live in a bubble and be too proud to ask for help.e "everyone thinks I am okay because I can't admit it to them"- well ask!

FA no-one who loves their children treats them like this. You know that. You know you could never do it yourself.

You must own up to this in real life. Has it knocked you for six? of course it bloody has. It would knock any single one of us for six. This is not an admission of weakness, it is an acknowledgement that a crime has been committed against you.

He hasn't killed you, he's freed you. It's just right now they look like the same thing.

Sweetie, you can disregard everything he said to you tonight. Was she listening? Bet she was. It was probably for her benefit.

He's given you 25 years - as you have him. Whatever he's telling you at the moment you have shared amazing experiences, including making your beautiful children. He can't take it away from you in one phone call.

I don't know why he's being so cruel - probably because he doesn't know how else to behave. He's not behaving like much of a human being, is he?

Right now, you need to - as someone else said earlier - "just keep swimming". There is a new life for you out there - a new normal. You'll get there. Just because the road is difficult and long doesn't mean you won't do it. We're all here for you.

I know you probably won't want to hear bad things about your husband but I could cheerfully knee him in the bollocks at the moment...

Can you not take time off work to see a counsellor- and let it all out? You simply have got to talk to people. www.bacp.co.uk

I just don't know how you are managing to hide it all- and why for that matter.

I can see that if you were married at 20 and you have never been hurt before, have no friends apart from your DH, then this has come as a huge blow.

However, it is also a signal that you need to involve other people in your life, apart from your DCs and your H.

Do you know where he is living now? You need an address and contact details at least so your solicitor can write to him.

I would send him a very formal text or phone him, asking to arrange a date to discuss the situation. Take the initiative.

longtalljosie - I'll hold him down for you!!!

FA - PLEASE realise that your H doesn't exist anymore and has been replaced with a tosser. The wonderful life you shared will never be taken away from you. He has just turned into a monster that is not worthy of your attention let alone your love.

I do understand how hard it is - I feel sometimes I just cannot get through the next 5 mins let alone the next 5 months. Hang in there x

Oh fading, please don't take everything he says as gospel. He is talking absolute shite, excuse my french. Stop listening to him and start getting angry. He has treat you like total shit for NO REASON at all. He is obviously terribly ashamed and so is trying to shift the blame on to you. Don't let him win, don't let him do this, please! It is awful, abolsutely awful what he has done but it is NOT your fault. It is his fault fromthrowing his familt away for a bit on the side, he doesn't deserve his beautiful children, he's not just distrespected you, he has disrespected them.

This will get better, you are still in shock, you will get stronger and you will get very angry with him.

Please don't do anything hasty, just try and believe that you will feel better soon, you'll look back in a bit and remember how bad you felt and notice that you feel a lot better. That time will come. Your children do need you, they may adore their dad but they also adore you and you haven't walked out on them for your own selfish reasons. You are 10 times the person he is.

Please keep posting, we can help you through this, this is not the end, please talk to us

Hope you are OK FA, if you are reading do post to let us know you are OK.

He is not acting like someone who loves his children. No-one who gave any thought to his children would walk out on them with no warning and no explanation of why or what was happening. No-one who gave any thought to his children would put their primary carer in such an intolerable and distressing situation that risked a breakdown. Whatever you think, you are an immensely strong person and it is solely because of your strength of character that your children have not been more seriously hurt by the situation.

All his actions point to an incredibly selfish person who is acting without thought for anyone but himself. Perhaps he is having a mid-life crisis or even a breakdown himself, I'm guessing that he hasn't been like this for the whole 25 yrs. Whatever the reason it is clear that he knows that he is in the wrong and feels guilty about that. That's why he walked out in such a cowardly way and couldn't face telling you. That's why he's trying to hurt you now with excuses that try to put the blame on you or the relationship rather than himself. Don't believe it, the fault lies with him and he knows it as anyone looking in can see from his actions.

Please don't blame yourself and please if at all possible tell some rl people how things are. Don't be afraid to lean on others. You will come through this as so many others on this thread have.

Your kids sound fantastic and so do you, he is acting weird because he's guilty and so he should be. What kind of a man does this and what kind of a woman takes a man with 5 kids. She would never be a friend of mine, I bet she's the kind that everyone cant stand. Your a decent loving mum and probably a friend to everyone. Head up - just get through tonight.

FA, don't listen to what he's saying to you now. He is probably in as much shock as you are, and this will be compounded by guilt and fear. He is also probably trying to convince himself that he's done the right thing, because if he lets himself believe for one moment that he's made a mistake, it would overwhelm him. Which is why he's talking complete crap, because he's trying to convince himself that he's justified in what he's done.

I was really pleased to see that spark from you when you calmly, pleasantly told that troll-accuser where to get off - your strength and dignity are shining through every step of the way in how you're handling this.

I didn't do it. But I wanted to.I really, really did. And still do.I can't see the point in getting up in the morning and facing this again.

The only thing thats stops me is that they will find me.

DD4 was supposed to have her operation on Monday and now she won't because I can't have her at hospital 30 odd miles away at 7.30am and be here with the others. It isn't an important operation but anyway.

I can't tell anyone in RL even if there was anyone. I told the doctor and a couple of tears came out, but I apologised and stopped straightaway. I don't even know why I behave like that. People on telly throw great public displays of emotion, and I just sit here and smile, and say i am fine.

And I STILL keep thinking this cannot be true and that I am going to wake up.

Thank you for keeping me going tonight. Thank you.

Hello FA. Pleased to see you post again .

You're being very brave. Perhaps a trained counsellor could help you release the emotion you can't express and understand why you can't express it. It could free you up a lot and help you deal with any negotiations with your H. Did your H complain that you didn't express emotion?

Could you take all your children to the hospital for your DD's operation? Couldn't FIL help - or surely H should pull his weight and look after them too. Sod it, they're his children too and it sounds like he has forgotten .

I like KiwiKat's explanation of how your H is feeling - it makes sense to me.

Got to do the ironing now ... take care.

FA,

I too have found it difficult to show misery and tears in front of people at times but I have learnt there is nothing shameful about it. Having a stiff upper lip ultimately doesn't help anyone. You do need support at the moment and holding it all in really doesn't help. It is a very different experience crying alone than crying with someone who is caring and wants to help. If it is difficult to take the first steps in getting support why not try the Samaritans, they won't know you and you don't even need to give your real name but it might help beginning to reach out to someone. The shame belongs with your husband not with you although I can understand it might not feel that way at the moment. But keep posting here anyway.

No. I can honestly say that we never had any problems with anything - we were happy (or rather I was happy). We were like best friends, I thought.

There is so much going round and round my head tonight. The main thing, obviously, being that he is sleeping with this thing tonight - I can't refer to it as a woman, and I'm sorry if that is disrespectful - and I am alone.

He too must think that I can cope with whatever is thrown at me. I must have a breaking point though, mustn'tI? And I am scared I have got through this week without anyone in RL really knowing what is going on. Like my work colleagues and stuff. The neighbours. Will I be able to hold it all in, or is it going to come out when I least expect it? I am not going to let him beat me

I mean my work colleagues know, but I am acting completely professionally at work.

I know there are no gold stars for bravery. My mother was an incredibly strong person who never showed any weakness. She didn't even tell me she was terminally ill. Perhaps I get it from her.

Thankyou for not doing anything hasty. You are needed much more than you'll ever know. If you go, your children will miss you in thousands of ways you could never even imagnine. Please just keep talking, keep posting, keep going.

I know there really seems no point in keeping going the way you feel right now but you have to believe me, there is a point and it will become apparent the more time that passes.

BottySpottom made a great point about seeing a counsellor, you should ask for this now as waiting list can be quite long on the nhs and even if you just talk it through it will help. I have been seeing a counsellor for a while now due to depression and issues with my parents that I won't go in to. It does help, it's nothing to be embarrassed about and they have seen and heard it all before, as have your doctors so don't worry.

It is very early on at the moment and you are doing incredibly well. Try and think back to when you were a teenager or to a time in your life when you were carefree and strong and full of hope and energy. Remember the person you were then and draw on the strength from that person. You did survive perfectly well at one time without him and you can do it again.

It sounds like you've raised amazing children, make sure you stick around to see them grow and develop and achieve all they want in life and more. You are the anchor point that keeps them feeling secure no matter what they're doing and where they are. Don't forget that.

If you haven't already contacted the MNers near you please do so. They may not be able to see you in the evenings but just mixing with them and spending any time at all with them will help.

Sending you strength vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

There is every point in getting up in the morning and they are upstairs sleeping peacefully.

As your DD4's operation is minor it will do no harm to postpone things for now. It will be easy to arrange another time to suit your new circumstances.

It is possible to get through this. Please try to seek some professional help. Talk to or email your RL friends. Keeping all the pain inside is not the way forward.
It is not you who has anything to be ashamed of here as you must realize. As others have said your Dh has completely lost the plot. Please just try to get some sleep tonight and tomorrow is going to be easier. Stay strong,all your supporters on mnet are with you .

FA, you have to be able to let it out sometimes, so that you can keep holding it together when it counts. Talking to a counsellor is a great way of getting things off your chest to someone who has heard this sort of thing before, is trained to listen and/or help, and won't judge. The big plus about talking to a counsellor is that you can say ANYTHING you like, be as angry as you like, cry, scream, and then walk away and leave the conversation behind you.

They also ask good questions.

Going to bed now FA, but like you, may well be up with LO during the night. Do not despair, will check later.

Night FA. Hope you get some sleep.

FA
hope ypu havehad a good night and are feelinga bit better.
I was looking at some of your previous posts and saw that a long time back you posted that your DH had sexual problems- sustaining an erection?

I wonder if this coincided with his guilt over the OW? if he had begun seeing someone around then?

Maybe if you think back, you might recognise the signs and it might help you to work out whoit is etc.

I woke up again.

He did have probems. I was desperately understanding. It was probably his body telling him he didn't want to be with me.

All I know is she has a daughter older than our DD1. I don'tknow if she is a widow, which is very sad of course, of if she left her partner or he left her. I just don't know. Sorry x

Re his problems - if I've read between the lines correctly, do you think that was the time the affair started?

I hope his 'problems' come back, because, unless I've got the wrong end of the stick, he won't be much use to a woman like her then. Hopefully you will have moved on to better things by then though.

Take care today FA -

Hi there FA, just a quick hello to say that I too am really proud of you. Whilst not posting (other than to express my annoyance and irritation at earlier judgemental poster) because so many have relevent and useful support to express much better than me, I just wanted to say that I am following this thread and really thinking of you. If a person can survive of good vibes and well wishes, you are going to go far!
Last weekend you didn?t think you could survive the weekend let alone a week and look how much you have achieved! You have done so incredibly well and supported and looked after your children, fed, clothed and ferried them around. You are a super star. Honestly, you even posted that you had washed their coats. Wow! My poor kid?s coats have not been washed since we had all the snow back in February!

I totally understand that everyday feels like the next one is impossible but perhaps you can take a little comfort and strength in the knowledge that you have just completed a whole week and are still here fighting. You even post with a little fight now. You seemed a little fragile in response to first judgey poster (totally understand) and talked about walking away from the thread. Next judgemental person to pop up and you came out with a really strong, stuff you type post. That really made me smile. See? You can do it. You are doing it - surviving.

Look for the daily successes in all this and look after yourself, give yourself the praise you deserve and allow yourself to start to feel good about coping so well. You are doing a fantastic job and it is important you give yourself a break and acknowledge that, for all the upset and hurt, there are many, many ways you are rising above it all and surviving as a woman and as a mum.

tc xxxxx

"It was probably his body telling him he didn't want to be with me."

Nope, don't even go there. I think Howtotellmum's diagnosis is far more likely - that it was to do with stress, or guilt.

You have to believe that none of this reflects upon you. You have kept to your marriage vows and been a good parent. He has not and is currently being a rubbish parent. Women are so good at blaming themselves for everything - but it's self-defeating. You couldn't have stopped this. He is his own person and he has to answer for his own decisions.