Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
Dalrymps · 09/05/2009 09:19

Glad there's a little spark of wwanting to have a better day today fading

Walking the dog will do you the world of good, fresh air always puts everything in perspective for me

poshtottie · 09/05/2009 09:55

Hi, FA,

Hope you have an okay weekend despite the circumstances.

You know he may want to come back. Might just be a bit of a mid life crisis. Two whole weeks with the other woman may just let him see her in a new light.

Hold your head high

Love and light xx

Original poster
fadingaway · 09/05/2009 10:07

am going to book an Asda delivery for tomorrow, and wash all the DD's and DC's coats.

Then planning to clean the oven when they are in bed, while the older ones are watching Britain's Got Talent.
Maybe this is just filling time so I don't have to think, but...

Eldest DD went to See Star Trek last night and apparently she and boyfriend were about the only ones there not dressed as trekkies/trekkers whatever it is you call them..........clearly I am not the oly one in a strange frame of mind...

OP posts:
AbricotsSecs · 09/05/2009 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TitsalinaBumsquash · 09/05/2009 10:48

Fading Away.

I havent posted yet but i have read the whole thread.

Time filling sounds like a great idea it will keep you and our mind busy.

You are doing so well keeping all your children safe and well even at times like these. I comend you.

I think something like this is like grieving and will need suficciant time to play itself out before your feeling normal again. There are a few stages of grieving which you will probably exibit, sadness, hoplessness, anger, frustration, denial and these come in various different forms untill one day you will be able to accept what has happened and move on, but that is in the future.

For now you must concerntrate on looking after yourself, eat something even if its tiny and keep your fluids up. Keep in touch with your GP. Take each day at a time. I will be thinking of you.

Oh and ignore crys of Troll they are idiots.

Peachy · 09/05/2009 10:54

Fading only just come to this but your OP struck a chord

My FIL did something similar to my MIL, after 35 years of marriage. They ha dno young children (he'd been waiting for BIL to leave home apaprently and gave up when BIL hit 35).

Years on now they're both OK but it was a horrid time for her and you have my sympathy.

You can have my oven to clean if you want as well?

Mumfun · 09/05/2009 11:08

Glad you are finding purposeful things to do!Andd definitely keeep in touch with your GP. Take care of yourself as much as you can.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 09/05/2009 12:01

Fading, I don't know if it's just me, but your last couple of posts sound a lot more positive. You might not feel it now, but you sound more purposeful and determined (even if you say it's just 'time-filling'). Good on you!

Thinking of you, as always.

Oh.... and ignore the troll-police. Nothing makes me more than people like knickerzz!

Lizzylou · 09/05/2009 12:20

Good girl FA, you dealt with Knickerzzz's troll-catching accusations very well and you do sound all positive and go get em.
I think you are doing brilliantly.
I really admire you.

numal · 09/05/2009 19:03

Hope today has been a little more bearable that the last week.
Keep taking one day at a time. Thinking about you and hope you are looking after yourself.

silkcushion · 09/05/2009 19:15

Have to agree with the others - you're sounding a bit more upbeat and the humour's there.

Amazing how well you're doing after just one week. Hope you and the DCs ahev had a constructive day

BottySpottom · 09/05/2009 19:21

FA you are sounding disgustingly positive given all that has happened in your life . I think your name has become inappropriate and needs to be replaced by 'GettingOnWithLife'!

Original poster
fadingaway · 09/05/2009 20:02

he rang to speak to the DDs and DS.

He's with her away for the weekend.

We never went anywhere.

He said we had nothing.

I can't see the point in going on anymore, I just can't

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingaway · 09/05/2009 20:11

25 years and 4DDs and a DS is nothing.

I wish he had just taken a knife out of the kitchen and stuck it in me because it would have been quicker.

I cannot do this. He can have DDs and DS. He's killed me.

OP posts:
BottySpottom · 09/05/2009 20:13

Oh FA, he's not much of a man, is he.

You have the love of your children - you have to go on. You will go on, and you will be fine. Not now, not in a little while, but you will be fine. Then you will be happy. You don't really have much of an option do you? You surely wouldn't want to leave your children with a man like that?

I guess he just got bogged down in family life and life with her is probably easier for now. The novelty will soon wear off when he realises what he has lost.

Original poster
fadingaway · 09/05/2009 20:18

No, he loves his children. It's me. He may as well have said I am nothing because that's what it comes down to.

I really cannot take this any more I am so tired and everyone thinks I am okay because I can't admit it to them, so best just be done with it.

OP posts:
numal · 09/05/2009 20:19

WTF does he mean you had nothing?? 25 years and 5 gorgeous children!!!
Has he completely lost his marbles?

Running off with his trollop and leaving a note behind is one thing, but to say you had nothing beggars belief.

Original poster
fadingaway · 09/05/2009 20:25

They are gorgeous. DD1 has a first-class degree and a fabulous future, DD2 is going to uni to study nursing, DD3 wants to be a forensic scientist, DD4 and DS just are gorgeous.

And their mother is finished.

That woman has a D older than our DD1.

OP posts:
DutchOma · 09/05/2009 20:27

He doesn't love his children. He is satisfying his inflated ego, thinking he can have it all: adoring children and a bit on the side.
For that he needs to convince himself that you are 'nothing'
HE IS WRONG So uterly completely totally wrong.
And if you believe him you are wrong too. Sorry, but that needs to be said. He would not look after the children if you were "gone" It doesn't bear thinking about, so please don't.
Think about the people you have spoken to in the week. Is there really nobody you could give a ring and tell them that you are struggling? I know you have chosen not to ring the Samaritans, it is time to change your mind? If it helps, I'd gladly send you my phone number. But please don't talk about 'giving up' It wouldn't be right.

numal · 09/05/2009 20:29

Please FA, try to think tonight only of your DC. Whatever his stupid game is do not let it intrude in your role as a Fantastic Mum. You can get through this. Some of us have been through terrible times and so can feel your pain. You are special and you have beautiful little ones who need you so much.

He is clearly having some sort of breakdown.

numal · 09/05/2009 20:39

I just knew your DC would be clever as well as beautiful
Many of us who have posted here have had terrible times and survived to testify that there is life afterwards.
I bet you were overjoyed when you had a little boy after 4 daughters, what a feeling that must have been.
Memories like that can never be taken away whatever happens in the future.

Your husband is the one who needs the help. You have the children who continue to bring you joy whatever the circumstances.

BottySpottom · 09/05/2009 20:40

You were doing so well. If speaking to him is going to do this to you, you need to ask him to communicate through a lawyer, or through your FIL or someone. You cannot let him do this to you.

Please consider calling the samaritans, your FIL, or someone. If you need support tonight and someone to take the children off you for a bit, call Social Services.

oliviasmama · 09/05/2009 20:48

Oh My God - he really is a complete arse! He is spouting all this crap to make himself feel better....Nothing ? Nothing? He'll realise one day that he had everything and now he really has nothing and knows the true meaning of the word! What a spineless wimp of a man, infact what a selfish fucker!!!!!!

Keep going fading, one day you'll be so happy your rid of this man.

jenk1 · 09/05/2009 21:00

Fadingaway, i havent posted on your thread before but ive been reading it daily since last week.

Your H is an arse,im sorry but he is,he will say or do anything to justify what he is doing and has done.

Your situation is similar to one of my friends a few years ago so i thought id post it so you can see what she did.

She was with her DP for 8 years,they had 2 beautiful daughters,he became distant and asked her to go to relate to sort through their differences.
When they got there instead of sorting through he told her he was finished with her and walked out.

she was completely devestated.

He left her that night, she couldnt eat or sleep and i had her children some days as she couldnt cope,we all rallied around her and she decided to go to relate on her own to get through it.

She also decided to have absolutely nothing to do with him,she wouldnt allow him to come to the house to pick the children up,he used to collect them and drop them off with either her parents or at mine.
She banned discussions about him and told everyone she didnt want to hear or speak about him.

It took her 4/5 months before she was ready to see him.

Now shes in a relationship with a lovely lovely man who treats her like a princess and has been a wonderful support and her daughters love him,her ExDP is absolutely gutted and told DH a few months ago it was the worst thing he,d ever done,and he wished he could turn back time, he had an affair and thats why he finished it,and now hes on his own in a flat and is leading a lonely and boring existence,while my friend is very very happy.

you will get through this,she did her heart was broken but she got through it.

please no more talk of him having the kids etc,please ask for help be it from SS or whoever,but you will and can do this,we are all behind you.

BottySpottom · 09/05/2009 21:05

So true Jenk1 - DS1's class is full of divorced mothers - many of them had DH/DPs who walked out at various stages of pregnancy. They are now happy, positive people.

It doesn't really matter how you cope with this Fading, so long as you don't do the one thing you allude to earlier. From a psychological viewpoint, suicide is the one thing that will completely devestate your children and screw their lives FOR EVER.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.