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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
pmoo · 08/05/2009 21:14

Don't let him get to you, you are stronger than this! So he has another woman you deserve better anyway and I'm sure he will realise how good you were to him, they always do! Be strong don't think about him or at least try not to. You will get through this it just takes time, keep talking to people it helps trust me!

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 21:48

No- there is nobody else really.

I am so, so sorry to whine every time I post, as looking back I seem to have done nothing else. I am so grateful to you all for the time and trouble you are taking.It is very humbling to think so many MNers are thinking of me, when there are far worse things happening out there. I am going to have a(nother) shower and try to go to bed.I will be back later if I can't sleep.

Thank you all, again.

OP posts:
TBCoalman · 08/05/2009 21:50

Hi fading, another site which may help. Take care.

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 21:54

and yes, I would let him come home, without question. For the DDs and DC. For me, I have been so hurt, I don't know. I don't know that I can trust him again and that hurts beyond belief.

I don't know if I am making sense. My absolute priorities have always, always been my DDs and DS. I put their happiness way above mine. But I think everyone does. And I know if their daddy was back they would be happier,I just know.

OP posts:
ronshar · 08/05/2009 22:01

If you are not happy then they will not be happy.

Lizzylou · 08/05/2009 22:16

Gosh Fading, I am sure noone thinks you are whining, we think you are pretty amazing actually (well I do and others have said as much).
You put everyone before yourself and you are so brave.
I think you are quite fabulous.

nanafantastic · 08/05/2009 22:25

FA - the age old question "what did I do?/what should I have done better?"

From one who's been there and done that, the short answer is "nothing"

At this early stage of his leaving, you are in no fit state to make any decisions, nor are you going to be open to advice - only support. This is what you need at the moment, support and empathy (((hugs)))

I well remember the feelings you're having. You feel useless, worthless and your DH will capitalise on that to assuage his guilt.

What you need right now is to escape, although I don't suppose that's practical, but even if you could get away for a few hours pampering would be beneficial.

Basically all most men are really selfish, and they're really good at re-writing history to appease their own consciences.

I know you shouldn't take advice ATM - BUT - do not let him see you in a state. Show him you are strong and coping. Most men are more attracted to strong women, so even if you don't feel it, and it makes you cry later, BE STRONG in front of him. DO NOT let him see what a state you're in. His guilt will drive him away so he doesn't have to acknowledge your pain and he'll go even further up his own arse.

Hope you don't mind me poking my nose in, but I do know what you're going through and I also know you will get through it - with or without him

Take care love

numal · 08/05/2009 22:27

I really agree with others who suggest that you need to meet with him without the DC. After 25 yrs I am still astonished that he left a note. You have been superhuman this week.
Going to work and looking after your DC when your world has collapsed around you is a testament to your courage and strength.
What a contrast to his conduct.

Please try to sleep tonight and gather some resources for the meeting next weekend. Did you say a few days ago that dd4 is having a minor op next week? We are all wishing you well.

BottySpottom · 08/05/2009 22:31

You're not whining! Your husband of 25 yrs has just left you for goodness sake!

FA, as you have moved recently, do you have any idea who this OW could be? someone from your old area?

Whether your DH comes home or not FA, you have to consider your happiness too - your DC will learn about self respect from this.

I hope you manage to sleep tonight.

Dalrymps · 08/05/2009 22:38

Just stumbled across this thread

Just wanted to say I wish I was closer so I could help. You're doing so well after such a devistating thing happening to you. Keep posting, all the ladies here will get you through this.

You are stronger than you think, you have managed to work and look after your dc, that takes a lot!

AbricotsSecs · 08/05/2009 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

knickerzz · 09/05/2009 00:52

Just not sure about this. How old were you when you had your last child? Where is the village up north-east? Did you ever contact the durham crowd? There is no message to them.

What roughly is yr job that you cannot ring in sick but still have to travel there (so not self-employed presumably. Just no helpful clues for all us people who are concerned about you)and you make no mention of not being able to function at work. How can you function for such long hours without mentioning being ill in toilets or crying on colleagues or just needing to come home. You wanted to tell about your dh's texts but you haven't...there is only the blandest of ntelling..

Sorry but am not sure, not sure about this. You were not up in middle of night yet sleeping tabs didn't work. Just not sure. Want all lovely mnetters to be helping the genuine article as we have all been thinking about you so much. You must be roughly in your fifties given the maths of the DCs (married 25 years - 'half my life spent with this man')
but you sound short on words for a wise lady of that age. And yr H not seeing them for another week? That will mean he will have walked out on them with no contact but meaning to see them and wanting to, for two whole weeks, after 25 years...and yet he is texting you to say he needs to sort stuff?
Sorry if my instincts are wrong.
Just not sure about this. Not sure this is the story or the whole story by any means. sorry.

Onestonetogo · 09/05/2009 01:16

Message withdrawn

ZacharyQuack · 09/05/2009 03:50

knickerzz - what was the point of your post? If you're not sure about the story then why not just keep clear?

If you're not sure, then you're not totally convinced it's untrue; if that's the case then you're risking hurting someone who is already very hurt. Why would you do that?

fadingaway, I believe you. I don't think there is a way you "should" be acting, I don't think you owe anyone reading this any more details than you're willing to provide. Please don't let one amateur detective shut the door on one of the few lines of support you seem have.

Thinking of you, hoping you are having a restful night.

howtotellmum · 09/05/2009 08:00

knickerzz
There was apost from someone else a while back, saying she wasn't sure about this post(er). I decided to look up FAs previous posts on MN- she is a regular. She also gave some info about herself which she hasn't given here- that she is a solicitor in a large company, but that he hours had been reduced due to redundancy,that she was 43 ( that was 2 years ago) and that she had 5 kids and was thinking of/wanting another. If you do a search on her name you will see what she posted then.

BottySpottom · 09/05/2009 08:01

Detective Knickerzz, if you think FA is a troll, why didn't you search her earlier posts. They will tell you her age and profession.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Yes, FA could be a troll, but I'd rather give unneeded advice to someone that was have a laugh at my expense, than withdraw it from someone who quite clearly needs it. Why are you so insecure about being laughed at if you give advice to a troll Knickerzz, do people laugh at you a lot by any chance?

Anyhow Fadingaway, brace yourself. As someone else said, this will be a toughie this week-end. Can you have some things up your sleeve incase the littlies play up? Do they have any easter eggs left? Can you take them for a long walk (if you have the energy)and hide them on the way, or stick them in the garden to find their easter eggs?

Hope you managed to sleep.

BottySpottom · 09/05/2009 08:02

meant 'that was having a laugh'

howtotellmum · 09/05/2009 08:12

According to her previous posts, she WAS a lawyer and is now a PA.

AbricotsSecs · 09/05/2009 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fadingaway · 09/05/2009 08:34

I was a successful solicitor,conveyancing-based.I lost my job because of the recesion. The only job I could find was as a PA. I am happy there. but have only worked there since September.

I could take time off work but have already explained why I haven't.

I was married at 20. My DH and I were together since I was 18.

Yes. My DH has not had contact with his children for a week. Thank you but I need no reminders of that. I am not surprised this is out of the realms of understanding for most people,it is certainly out of mine.

Yes. My husband of 25 years left me last Friday. He left a note. I have lived the last week with the support of MN and my DDS and DS. If you think I am troll then your powers of detection are way off.

Happy now?

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingaway · 09/05/2009 08:35

and, just so you know DS was born in 2006, making me 42.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 09/05/2009 08:36

Hooray!

I was so worried you'd be crushed by that Knickerzz comment but you're not. Good for you. Very very proud of you, in a non-patronising way xxxxx

PS now have some breakfast xx

Original poster
fadingaway · 09/05/2009 08:39

Thank you LTJ. I hope I wasn't too rude.

I am determined to have a better day today, somehow.

I am going to take my dog for a walk and then feed littlest DD and DS. The older DDs are in bed and, being Saturday, probably won't be up much before dinnertime.

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 09/05/2009 08:43

FA, Good for you. The troll-sniffers are a pain in the arse. The fact that you've only had 3 over 575 posts speaks pretty loudly to your credibility.

Longtalljosie · 09/05/2009 08:44

Nah - nuts to her. Suggesting you're a troll is hardly the height of manners...

Thinking of you today - I think taking the dog for a walk's an excellent idea. The exercise and fresh air is just what you need.

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