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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
TBCoalman · 08/05/2009 14:01

I have to go now as I have a meeting, but will be back later.

Lizzylou · 08/05/2009 14:03

TBCoalman speaks sense FA, you just do what you need to to get through it. The man who has caused you so much grief and anguish is not the one you married.
When is he due to come to see them?

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 14:16

A week on Sunday. he has sent texts saying he is not happy and neesd to think and stuff.

Don't we all.

OP posts:
daisybaby · 08/05/2009 14:32

So pleased that he is not happy!

Ispy · 08/05/2009 15:09

FA Just wanted to add my support. I think you're incredible and so dignified through all of this. I have been watching this thread over the past few days and am marvelling at your strength and composure.

Lizzylou · 08/05/2009 15:32

He isn't happy?
Sheesh.
FA, take care of yourself, you are, as Ispy says so dignified.

BottySpottom · 08/05/2009 15:34

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I'm really pleased he's not happy! I think that makes it easier for you FA, to know that he hasn't walzed off into a happy situation, leaving you all like this.

Well done on the food.

I'm so glad your FIL is on your side too.

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 15:53

It is now nearly the exact time that DD3 rang me last week - I feel very strange and will be glad to get home tonight.

Don't feel very dignified at all - feel just dead.

OP posts:
poshtottie · 08/05/2009 15:59

He's coming a week on Sunday?

Has he gone on Holiday? Seems a bloody long time not to see his children.

I would ring his work to find out if he is away.

Sorry, am bloody angry on your behalf.

KristinaM · 08/05/2009 17:09

fadingaway - i know that for 25 or more years you have been thinking about your husband, caring for him and worrying about him when you are apart

you need to stop this now. just for a while, when your resources are so limited. you MUST keep your focus on you and the kids. if you start to worry about him and how he is feeling and what will happen in the future you will be over whelmed. its just too much to take in.

i know its a cliche but you need to get through things one day at a time

I agree with the other poster who said dont talk to him when he arrives to see the children, just be polite and brief.

TBCoalman · 08/05/2009 17:19

Hi fading, been thinking about whether it might be an idea to let FIL be there when h comes round after all. I mean, somone needs to put him straight and give him a few home truths, and I don't see why it should be you.

He needs to know he is behaving like a twat. Having it come from someone else may help him to accept it. If you try to explain, however reasonably, he might try to twist things to make it seem like you are over reacting or being unreasonable.

I don't know, just a thought. A lot can happen between now and next week, and who knows how you will feel about it all by then?

You might need someone there to take the children out for a milkshake or something once he has left, so you can have a cry, or if things are going better, so that the pair of you can have a talk.

Keep posting when you are able, x

YanknCock · 08/05/2009 18:17

I don't have personal experience with this situation myself, but hoping the others who do could help with this question....

I am wondering if FA and her husband should meet separately from the children first to get their story straight (not a great phrase, sorry). The children will have lots of questions about what has happened, and FA is not going to be there to hear the answers if her H just takes the children. Doesn't he owe her an explanation first? And shouldn't she know/be part of the negotiation of what they are told?

He's enough of an arse to have just dropped out of the marriage with no warning, and I wonder what he will say to the children about why he has left. If FA doesn't know herself, how can she answer any followup questions when the children return from their visit with their father?

Huge apologies FA, I have no idea how you feel about this, or if you'd even want to meet him first. I only think he owes it to you, and that it would help the children if they got the same message from both of you. You have been fantastic in not slagging him off to the DCs, and have been way too hard on yourself in saying things that make this your fault (it isn't!!).

But when they start asking questions like 'are you getting divorced' to each of you (the DD11 and DD16 most likely to ask this), it would be better, wouldn't it, if the answers coming from both of you are coordinated. And at the moment, he's told you nothing really.

You don't deserve this, you really don't. For what he's dropped you in, you shouldn't have to be the sensible, practical one either--but like others have said, you are a mother, and you will do what you have to to make sure the DCs feel secure.

BottySpottom · 08/05/2009 18:39

I think that is a really good idea YanknCock - though I don't have experience of this either, so don't know how feasible it is for FA to feel like doing this. But you're right, the very least he could do is to tell her why he left her; it's not a big ask. I think divorcing/separating parents really have to focus on working together to protect their children, whatever their reasons for splitting up. I hope he at least has the decency of doing this. It would also be a good way of getting him to open up too.

BottySpottom · 08/05/2009 18:40

I meant 'I hope he at least has the decency to do this'.

tribpot · 08/05/2009 19:18

I think Yank is right if both parents were committed to putting their children's needs first. Tosspot over there clearly isn't and will probably rebuff any sensible suggestion from FA as "you are trying to force my hand / get back with me / mess with my head / it's all just too hard for poor lil me".

There might be some benefit in the FIL trying to reason with him to explain the first meeting with the kids is going to be traumatic and needs to be handled sensitively?

BottySpottom · 08/05/2009 19:22

How about FIL being there to feedback stuff so you can both sing from the same song sheet?

Parsleypants · 08/05/2009 19:35

Fading I just wanted to say that you are amazing. I have been reading this thread since it started and I am in awe of how well you are coping and even though you feel like you aren't coping you so so ARE! You are clearly an amazing, strong, dignified woman, but you can't see that at the moment. I am going through something similar to you, but on about a millionth of the scale that you are, and your strength has been an inspiration to me over the past week. Keep posting, and keep the faith my lovely.

Longtalljosie · 08/05/2009 19:59

Hi love. Take it easy this weekend. I have a suspicion you may find it a bit hard, without the structure of work to keep things going. Try to get some rest. Perhaps your in-laws could take the littler children for a couple of hours?

We're all here for you.

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 20:48

I asked FIL if they could pop round for a hour or so but he said they are a "bit busy" this weekend but will come next weekend, which is my birthday........

DD1 is happy. She and her boyfriend are out tonight and then revising over the weekend.
DD2 is happy too. She has her new phone and her boyfriend is here for a bit.
DD3 happy because her dad is coming to see her next week.
DD4 and Ds just safe and tucked up happy.

I just don't even know what to say or how to be around him. I want to break down and tell him what I have been going through, but what would be the point. I want to ask him to stay after the kids have gone to bed so we can talk. But I'mnot sure I want to hear it. This has been my whole life for more than half my life and I just cannot accept it.

Sorry.

OP posts:
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 20:50

fading you have no need to be sorry, none of this is your fault and we are just here to listen if nothing else x

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 20:55

I mean what did I do? If I knew that it would help. Why am I sitting with my phone next to me in case he texts me? I want him to come home because I love him. He isn't coming back though is he?

I am so so weak. I thought I was strong. I'm not though.I just want to go to bed and not wake up.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 08/05/2009 21:04

He might come back- he won't be the first married man to relasie he made a mistake.

Can you take the intiative and ask him to arrange a time when you can talk to each other. What have you got to lose by saying what you are thinking?

I think he needs to hear it all- otherwise how can he know what you feel, and whether he wants to try again?

Lizzylou · 08/05/2009 21:08

Fading he owes you at the very least an explanation, you can't just walk out on your wife and family in such a sudden and shocking manner and not proffer some sort of explanation.
Of course you are wondering and waiting, goodness you are only human. I would be the same.
You do need to talk, when your DC's are not around and you can talk freely.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

BottySpottom · 08/05/2009 21:12

Hang in there Fading. It can't get any worse - surely the only way is up. It's disappointing your FIL can't help this week-end. Is there anyone else who can?

I'm amazed you think you are weak. You've haven't even skipped a day at work for goodness sake - and more importantly, your children are happy, because you have held it all together. Stop being so hard on yourself!

ronshar · 08/05/2009 21:13

Fadingaway. If he came back and asked to return to your home would you let him?

It is a sign of your strength that your children are all getting on ok.
I am in awe of you because I really dont think I would be doing anywhere near as well as you are.

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