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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
Catz · 07/05/2009 21:15

fadingaway, I've not posted on this thread yet but have been following it and thinking of you. The fact that your DCs seem fine is an amazing testament to how well you are doing you should be immensely proud of yourself for keeping things as normal as possible for them and giving them such love and stability.

I know you don't want to take your H 'for all he's got' but at some point soon I would get some legal advice. It's a sad fact that woman do end up taking the rough end of the financial consequences when relationships breakdown (whatever the papers say about the wives of millionaires). You need to think of the costs of providing for the children and the security of a home etc. Someone posted a few posts up that the rules have changed and you can no longer rely on him but that is not right. If he has an income he will have to pay and it is not a question of punishing him it is a question of meeting the needs of your (his and your) children and of you.

dizzydixies · 07/05/2009 21:18

fading I know you say you can't eat anything but would you consider taking some echinecea to try to keep your immune system intact? the symptoms you're describing are from being worn down - which is no surprise.

has anyone mentioned Home Start? I'm sorry if they have, I haven't had time to read right back through the whole thread but I'm sure they would be able to help you, will look for a link

BottySpottom · 07/05/2009 21:19

FA, that your children are OK speaks volumes.

Like I said before, I also agree that this is worse than a bereavement for you in many ways - so much more complicated for you emotionally.

I think a decent night's sleep often leaves you feeling worse in the short term - so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Of course you don't want to take him for everything he's got, you loved him for 25+ years ...

I'm pleased that your FIL is also on side - that also speaks volumes.

I hope you manage some sleep tonight.

dizzydixies · 07/05/2009 21:20

Home Start here

and I agree completely with Catz, you need to see someone re the legalities to protect you and the dc. if you don't have a solicitor already the CAB can be a great source of information

YanknCock · 07/05/2009 21:21

Am still following along, very glad you went to the doctor.

'Take him for all he's got' is just people's way of saying they are on your side, though I can see how it doesn't make you feel better. Like any bereavement, there will be stages you go through in dealing with this. You're not at the 'anger' part right at the moment, and that's okay. There is no one right way for getting through this, and you've done an admirable job in getting through the first week.

The mouth ulcers are probably due to being stressed and run down. Do you think you could get a multivitamin down each day, just to try to shore up your defenses?

Thinking of you and your children.

dizzydixies · 07/05/2009 21:24

citizens advice here

Katrina7 · 07/05/2009 21:38

i was told that some of the 'stages' you go through are like bereavement and some not. You might go through these stages 1) shock - and maybe denial 2) feeling powerless, needy, sad, desperate for him to come back and even blaming yourself (i find this stage the worst) 3) anger torwards him - as you getting stronger- and you see now that it was only his fault 4) moving on . Of course this is very general and people are different. Personally i some times go through those stages in one day ! but i am pregnant and hormonal. Also that poster talks rubbish because people react differently. Some want company, some not, some call samaritans, some prefer the net etc. But i am glad that most believed the op. When you are so low and been betrayed the last thing you need is for people to be harsh. Am glad most posters have been amazing! (like they have been to me too) FA i think you are doing very well considering what you are going through xx

Katrina7 · 07/05/2009 21:43

sorry Yank just seen your post and i think i am repeating you

poshtottie · 07/05/2009 21:46

Well done for getting through another day.

You have been in my thoughts.

Don't be too proud to ask for help. xx

Lizzylou · 07/05/2009 21:50

FA, glad that your DC are holding up. You are obviously an amazing and caring Mother.
Hope that you are OK and that you get some sleep.
You are doing so so well, it has only been a week.

DutchOma · 07/05/2009 21:55

A hot water bottle is a great source of comfort.
If you have some tea tree drops, take some bottled water and put some tea tree in that (5 drops to 500 ml of water) and use that to rinse your mouth for the mouth ulcers.
Say if you would me to send you something, anything, I would gladly do so.
Lavender is a great help too.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/05/2009 22:19

FA, I haven't posted much cos I don't have any useful advice but just wondered how you're getting on and have lurked a bit here. Have been thinking about you.

silkcushion · 07/05/2009 23:03

glad to see that you've had people in Rl who now know what is happening. Comments from them and us can be misguided sometimes but well meant I suppose.

People are shocked at what's happened and concerned about you and yr dcs. No idea if it helps even a little bit to know that so many people care about how you are all doing.

It was a good move seeing the GP - getting some sleep will help physically even if nothing helps emotionally right now. I can understand that you don't feel hatred towards DH now - hatred is a futile and destructive emotion anyway. It seems like this was so unexpected you need answers more than anything else.

I hope you get some rest tonight.

Longtalljosie · 07/05/2009 23:16

Mouth ulcers are a sign of stress, my mum always says.

You are doing really well - don't ever doubt that.

Have you managed to eat anything at all other than that egg?

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 08:58

I am at work. I didn't sleep last night despite the tablet - the GP said I could take two if need be and I may do that tonight seeing as I don't have to rush up and out tomorrow.

DS and DD4 didn't want to get dressed this morning. she screamed, he hit me. I don't know which was worse.

I have had two eggs now and some fruit. I wouldn't believe anyone could keep going on so little but now I know they can.

The GP asked if I was depressed. I don't think I am, I am just so shocked and sad that's different isn't it?

I come to work with a big smile and go home and play with the DCs and then they go to bed and this hits me again and again like a car crash. I even wondered if if would hurt much if I drove into a lorry coming the other way. Now how desperate and selfish is that?

I cannot believe I have been so stupid and I don't know how I will get through today.
An I still cannot belive he has been seeing someone. I would have known wouldn't I there must have been some clue?

OP posts:
DutchOma · 08/05/2009 09:12

I'm so glad you have been able to eat something, although sad you didn't sleep. Have you taken NotQuiteGrownUp up on her suggestions of "alphabets"? An alphabet of boys' names, girls' names? The other thing I like to do is to have a little radio set to world service or radio 4, quite low, so that there is some noise.
Your children will be hurting from your husband's cowardice as well and be even less able to process what has happened.
Are you able to talk to them in factual terms: "Daddy has gone to live somewhere else for the time being, you will still see him from time to time, but I don't think he is planning to come and live here again sometime soon." "I don't know why Daddy has done that, I can't understand it either." "I am not planning on going anywhere, but I need you to help me as much as you can, because I am very sad that Daddy does not live here any more."
Try to banish thoughts of you being 'stupid', in the first place it is not true and in the second place it is not helpful. He was clever in hiding his deceit, you are not stupid in not picking up the clues, there probably weren't any.

Good on you for going into work with a big smile on your face and for keeping things going for the children.

MadameCastafiore · 08/05/2009 09:25

Nothing helpful to say Fadingaway, just want you to know that I am thinking of you and what you are going through and am astounded at your courage and strength in the face of your husbands betrayal and cowardice - you will get through this - it will take a long long time but one day you will see a chink of light - that will probably be the day you wake up and it isn't the first thing you think of.

And you haven't been stupid at all just loving and trusting - in the face of his betrayal, you didn't see any signs because you trusted him, you weren't looking for them.

Katrina7 · 08/05/2009 09:41

FA of course you are not stupid. HE is the one who has been stupid. I know what you mean about putting a brave face all day and then it hits you in the evening. It has been like this for me and i couldnt go to bed alone i was staying all night in the living room, i just couldnt go in to the bedroom. When you cannot eat what about smoothies? They have vitamins and are easier to drink them when food doesnt go down.

Notquitegrownup · 08/05/2009 10:44

Good morning, FA. You are not stupid. Some men are just good at deception. Your dh worked shifts which makes it easier for him to hide his double life - I know someone who had an affair for ten years and his normal, trusting dp had no idea.

Your ds and dd4 are tired. It's Friday. Some of us put up with screaming and tantrums almost every week, from overtired kids - certainly when things are out of kilter and their routines are upset. Keep on posting about the frustrating moments you have with your dcs because a) we can reassure you that this is a normal way to react to things for littlies and b) it's important to get it off your chest.

(Though perhaps you could make life easier by having one day's leave next Friday and treating them to a day out - a nice break in routine - after all you have all been through?)

So glad to hear that you have eaten something. Do try a little toast/honey this weekend, too - it's gentle and easy for the body to absorb, but nutritious too.

Thinking of you.

TBCoalman · 08/05/2009 13:28

Hello fading, sorry to hear you couldn't sleep last night, it might be worth taking two tablets tonight if your GP feels it's safe.

You have made it through a week - well done! Your children have been fed and clothed and you are all still standing, even if you feel as though you are barely hanging on.

You are going to be okay, you know. It's just going to take some time. You need to be prepared for the fact that this next week may be even harder. The shock and unreality has cushioned you somewhat. The adrenaline has got you through, but now it will start to wear off slightly. Hopefully anger will kick in soon to help you through the next bit.

We are with you, and we care, x

Lizzylou · 08/05/2009 13:30

FA, you are not stupid, you just loved and trusted your DH, he betrayed you and your DC. More fool him.
You are doing so well, hope you get a better night's sleep.

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 13:36

I have not taken my dinner break at work today.

What do I do when he comes to see the DDs and DS? I don't want to be there, but I do.

I can't even articulate what I am trying to say.

OP posts:
TBCoalman · 08/05/2009 13:49

You don't have to do anything when he comes to see the children. You don't have to get into a discussion with him. You don't have to try not to cry. You don't have to be brave. You don't have to understand.

You can't plan for this. You have no way of knowing how he will act, or what he will say. Is there anyone who can be with you?

Original poster
fadingaway · 08/05/2009 13:52

No there is nobody. My FIL asked when he was coming and I said I didnt know. I don't want him turning up too, spoiling for a fight or whatever.

I really thought he loved his children more than this.

OP posts:
TBCoalman · 08/05/2009 13:58

Okay, you need to try and detatch. Imagine your h, the man you knew, he has gone. You can grieve for him. This man who is coming to see your children is an imposter, a bodysnatcher. There is no point in trying to reason with him at the moment.

Do the children know he is coming? Is he going to explain things to them?

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