please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

Morning FA. Hope you managed to get some sleep.

I know it sounds impossible now but one day you will recognise that this is not your fault. Think about it: if you had an affair, would that be your H's fault? If a female friend or relative's H cheated on them, would you regard that as their fault? He chose to do this and he chose to leave your marriage and your family in the most cowardly way possible. What kind of man thinks he can walk out on his children without causing them irreparable harm? Just vanish because it's too difficult for him to see them? Only a complete and utter tosser.

Try not to be too hard on the kids; they can't help being self-centred and not seeing how much you are hurting too. Have you spoken to your oldest DD yet?

You have not failed in anyway - you are feeling very sorry for yourself - and that is ok. Wallow in it for a while if it helps. Let all your tears out - and one day you will find that there are fewer tears. Dont feel bad that all you do is wander around feeling so very sad - is is something you have to do to help you move forward.

Try and do something nice just for you today - a treat, a bath or just make yourself look good. One thing each day will help.

Eat small amounts of chocolate if you can - after-eights were my choice. It will help.

How amazing are you to be able to go to work - not many people would have been able to do that you know - give yourself credit for that.

I suspect he will try to contact you soon - stay strong and please whatever you do and say - it is ok, there are no rules to follow so whatever you do it will be fine.

FA, have been following your post. You are in a state of shock and are traumatised I would imagine. I really hope you find some Rl support and allow yourself to take it as it will really help. Most people will want to help you - look at the response here.

It Just one thought, have you been able to tell the school your elder dds attend abour your husband's appalling behaviour? It might be useful for them to know.

If only the men who behave this way could see the consequences of their actions (and it does seem to always be men ). Beggars belief! He will never be able to look at himself in the mirror without feeling enormous shame for what he has done. The fact he couldn't face you shows that and will probably have an effect on his 'relationship' with the OW.

Fadingaway - the difference is that you can bring your children up to talk when they have a problem, and not to run away leaving someone else in a state with so many unanswered questions. Your DH has obviously been sickeningly good at hiding what he was up to, hence the fact that he could not face you. That is not your fault, you could never be expected to read his mind especially as he has been so intent on hiding this from you. He chose it to be like this, not you.

He has left you with no choice but to carry on as normal as you can with your daily routine and for that you are amazing. You are the one holding things together even if you don't feel like you are.

Hoping you have a better day today fading.

Morning FA. I hope you managed to get some sleep. PLEASE try and eat something. Your body cannot keep going without it and your kids need you.

Make an emergency appointment with the GP too.

I agree with all the others that you are not responsible for your 'D' H's shitty behaviour. You did not drive him away. He's behaved appallingly and it's all his own doing.

Hi FA, I have been following your thread over the past few days and just wanted to post and say hi and send you my support. I'm another one whose h turned out to be a complete bastard. We were together 10 year and he had an affair which started whilst I was 6 months pregnant. He is another hugely cowardly man who never had the decency to tell me to my face the marriage was over, he just dissappeared off on holiday to Dubai with his OW without telling me.

I am now 8 weeks down the line from h's little holiday in the sun and although I still feel like crap alot of the time the feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach feeling has passed (it does raise it ugly head every now and again though). Please try to eat something....you will feel better for it. I do know how you feel and the only way I was able to eat was partly because I was breastfeeding so knew I had to keep my strength up but partly because my parents came to stay and kept putting all sorts of things infront of me.

Please never think you are to blame. When I first found out about my h's affair I did question myself. However I quickly realised that although in hindsight there were signs that the marriage wasn't going well (I had just thought this was a normal down patch that would get better....how naive was I!) no one made h have an affair, he didn't have to give in so easily, he didn't have to be weak and cowardly, he didn't have to say 'yes' as soon as someone offered it to him on a plate.....he could have stayed and talked and tried to make the marriage work. That was all too difficult for him though...it seems he felt 'the grass was greener' and unfortunately this seems to be much more common than I thought judging by the number of us on MN!

So...enough of my ramblings, I just wanted to say you are not alone. You will get through this and it will get better. There may not be much light at the end of the tunnel at the moment but it will appear soon (my tunnel is looking decidely less gloomy 8 weeks on).

Continue looking after your lovely dc's and try and look after yourself a little bit too. Breakfast ceral was my thing...bowls of the stuff at very random times of the day and a good trashy novel helped (nothing too taxing!).

Lots of hugs to you.

Hello Fadingaway. I hope you got some sleep.

You didn't drive him away. You said the affair had been going on for two years - if you had driven him away, he would have gone 18 months ago. This was a man who was torn between you and the other woman and took a long time to decide which side the grass was greener on.

You sound stressed and shocked, but you sound less stressed and shocked than you did on Friday. You are making baby steps, you are doing brilliantly.

I had a boiled egg - but I threw up.

DS came into me bed at 5.30am screaming that he didn't want to go to nursery. He is not used to going every day, DH being a shift worker meant that he only attended on days when his daddy was day shifts.

I'm at work again today. I have tidied the house and made all the beds and all the washing is done, I will iron tonight.

I did DD4's reading book with her this morning.

I am so grateful for your posts. I am not showing it, but I really am.

I feel worse than I did last Friady.

It sounds like you are trying to keep busy which is great. The quiet times for me are the hardest so I'm always trying to do something...my house has never been tidier and my ds has never eaten better!!

Its likely you were in shock last Friday so its probably not to unusual that you feel worse today and you will continue having times when you feel a bit better or a bit worse (or a lot worse), but gradually the times when you feel better will get longer and start to outweigh the crappy times (well...that is what people keep telling me!).

I hope you have managed to get an appointment with your GP if not keep badgering them as I think its important you talk to someone. MN is brill but getting some face to face advice either from a professional or close friends and family is essential. I know in your earlier post you said you had no one who lived close by for support. How about sending an email out to some close friends telling them what has been going on? I did this (and cried all over my lap top as I was writing it) as I couldn't face actually ringing them up and I had phone calls coming in left right and centre with people wanting to talk to me and people arranging to come up and see me for the weekend. Somehow it was easier answering the phone to friends rather than actually ringing them up. Keep trying to eat something...eventually something will stay down.

More hugs coming your way.

Oh fading, there's nothing quite like the infidelity diet is there? You have had a complete shock to the system and your body is on red alert. No wonder it won't take in food.

Please try the doctor again. And think again if there is anyone in RL who can be there for you. My friend who went through this was just a vague playgroup person I sometimes chatted nonsense with. But when I saw her in pieces in the supermarket I was round to hers straight away. We are really good friends now. There are people who will be there for you.

In the meantime, there are all of us. We are rooting for you. We are on your side and we are not going away, okay?

I recommend this site again. There you will see that your reaction to this terrible event is completely normal, that you did nothing wrong.

Biggest hugs, x

Hope you read this in your lunch break. some of that boiled egg will have done you some good, try not to think about throwing up, but try again in a couple of hours. Well done you for trying, it will be easier next time.
Did you manage to get ds to nursery this morning?
Have you beenable to check your financial position?
And just to add my voice to all the others: This is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. He deceived you, quite deliberately and purposefully.
As others have said, if he was unhappy with you, he should have told you, so you could do something about it.

FA - You are doing so amazingly well. I know that it doesn't feel like it, but you are keeping the house together, you are feeding your children and keeping a full time job going too, whilst dealing with all of this.

Now, you need to pick up one of those drinks with lots of vitamins in which slimmers use as a meal replacement. They are a drink, so should go down easily, and they will nourish you. Try toast and a little honey as a replacement for the boiled egg. Just one slice in the evening and one for breakfast will keep you going, with some rich tea biscuits for lunch. Squash to drink has a little energy in it and chocolate is nourishing too, if you can manage some.

Looking after your health is your next step to making sure you can look after your little ones.

Your poor little ds! Reassure yourself. You know that the nursery is a good one, where he has been happy in the past. Have you told his key worker at nursery what is happening? Tell him the truth, that he needs to go everyday for a while, whilst Daddy is away. You can also tell him that he can choose a big boy present on Saturday for going to nursery all week, and do a quick chart for his room with Mon, Tues, Weds, Thurs, Friday, TOYDAY at the top - just on the back of a letter/an old scrap of paper. Nothing fancy needed. Then each night you can tick one day off and look forward to the weekend together. (This worked with my ds1 when his little brother had a prolonged stay in hospital, though he was a little older.)

Has your dd1 been in touch yet? You know that your mum was wrong in making you choose between her and your dh, don't you? It doesn't have to be that way - one or the other. Your dd can have a happy home with her dp, but still love and support you for a while. Do ask her if she can help out in some way - perhaps with your ds, or dd4 to give them a treat at the weekend, or to give you a break.

Thinking of you.

You threw up... You do need the doctor sweetheart.

It is really important that you eat- have you not eaten for 3 days?

Have you spoken to your DD ?

Try not to do all the washing etc unless you need to- take time out for yourself.

If you go to the dr, go to ask for counselling- you might be able to get 6 sessions free.

You should write to your DCs teachers and tell them what has happened as your DCs might be playing up, or be withdrawn, or even cry, so they do need to know ( was a teacher.)

FA don't whatever you do blame yourself - in a marraige things don't go swimmingly but you make a comitment to talk to each other when things aren't at their best and remedy it - that is what a marraige is a partnership - it is not under any circumstances a pact whereas one member has to do their darndest to keep the other happy or the other ups and leaves.

Your husband is to blame here not you - and even if you aren't the best wife in the world nothing you could have done, absolutely nothing, would make someone act how he has in regards to just upping and leaving and being too cowardly to face you or the DCs.

You are doing a fab job of holding things together and that is what the kids will remember when the shock has gone - that their mummy was their for them even though she was hurting so much herself.

Please realise that this is his fault not yours and you are doing an admirable job.

I am going to try and ring the HV and see if she can speak to a doctor for me. I can't to tell the receptionists why. Something is going to give soon. I wandered round the house at 2.00am and only the thought that DDs and DS would find me stopped me doing something to myself. I don't have anything left to fight this with.

Definately ring HV - you need to see the GP ASAP. Sod the receptionists...you need an emergency appointment and you need it now.

Keep fighting, it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will. You are doing so well.

Oh FA, you have not failed, your DH has been a coward and let you and your DC down so badly. He hasn't given you a chance to work on things or even find out why. That is his failing, not yours.

You are still in shock, you need to go to a GP and you need to eat and to rest. This has all come out of the blue for you, please look after yourself and cut yourself some slack.

Your DC are lucky to have you, FA, you are obviously a wonderful Mother.

FA, It may not feel this way to you but I think you would feel a lot more able to cope if you had someone to lean on. I know this is hard for you but the burden of your pain is so much harder on your own. Can you ring the Samaritans, they will listen at any time of the day or night, or even ask for local MNers to make contact. It will make you feel less alone.

Dear FA You absolutely must see your doctor today or tomorrow. You have coped so well but even brave people like you sometimes need help.

Do not even think of blaming yourself. Your husband's fling has involved him cheating, lying and deceiving your for 2 years. He didn't even have the guts tell you he was running off with his trollop. Shame on him! His time will come when he has to face up to what he has done, but that is another story.

You have been a faithful wife and loving mother to his children. Enormous credit to you for all you have endured these last 6 days. Please try to continue to look after yourself and your DC. Would really like to hear that your DD1 had been to see you. Try not to think too much into the future, concentrate on getting through one day at a time.
Stay strong.(sad)

Fading, do you have a best friend - where is she? Are you calling RL friends and family? What is happening on that front?

Go and see yr health visitor and tell everyone you can think of what has happened.

There is no shame. You have to stay alive, simple. Shame is all on your stupid H's shoulders.

Like Happy Woman said, there are no rules here. Do whatever you feel. It's part of the process of getting through.

I lost three stone.

Also, after four weeks of what you are going through I felt suicidal too and rang friends in Australia in the middle of the night. (again)

I said that H may as well have left me bloodied and dying in a ditch and I wasn't capable of caring for the baby anymore. They rang the police they were so worried. Police turned up mob-handed. They removed ds and put me in a cell. They gave me one sheet of bog roll. Ds was taken to hospital to be monitored 'in case I had poisoned him.' Looking back, if it hadn't been so bloody tragic and awful it would be funny.

Police doctor came. Expressed his shock at and let me go immediately. I took the one sheet of bog roll with me and still have it as a reminder of the low I reached. My son was returned to me after three days. The three worst days of my life.

It is one thing losing an H you thought you knew and you loved. It is another thing altogether losing a child. MUCH more frightening.

I sat in that cell and said 'fuck you, bastard shagging H. I have a job to do and I can do it.' I had a child and he needed his mum.

Social services were fantastic. They threw support at me. Nearly a year on my wonderful HV still visits fortnightly. Homestart were great and gave me a volunteer I cried and panicked with for several weeks.

M HV referred me to Homestart by the way..Take any help you can right now. I did. It made me feel human and ok.

Think outside the box a little if you can: go and knock on yr neighbour's door perhaps. ASK for help. Don't think you have to feed the children great food - like someone said earlier, don't sweat over cooking or cleaning unless it helps YOU.

I am worried for you as I so feel your pain. But I promise, still, that you will come out of this. Your h will be having a shit time. He is one big let down - to himself, his wife, his friends, family and above all his children. But right now just continue what you are doing: posting, pacing, crying probably, soul-searching, drinking tea and hopefully starting to tell people that count in your life. Because that is all part of The Process and we are here to help get you through it.

Your husband is his own problem right now.

Please go to the Dr Fadingaway. If you can't do it for you, do it for your children. It's not fair for them to loose two parents.

i spoke to the HV and I have a GP appointment at 4.00pm today. I just don't know what to say. It is important to me not to make a fool of myself.

Hi Fading, no talk of doing something to yourself, this is the worst time you will have, this is your lowest point, from here it is a very gradual process upwards, you won't think it now but I promise you faithfully you get better and better and happier and happier.

Oh well done FA, just tell your GP what has happened and how you feel. Now is not the time for a stiff upper lip, really you need to be honest.
So many MNers are thinking of you and wishing you well x