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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingaway · 05/05/2009 21:35

I've had cups of tea and water at work.

I went to Asda at lunchtime and got milk and bread for DDs and DS. They are not going without.

It sounds so stupid, but the food literally will not go down.

OP posts:
MistressSeuss · 05/05/2009 21:40

They will thank you a hundred times over when they are old enough to realise what happened: that you stuck with them and he left... he will never be able to make that up to them.

Please look after yourself - he is in the wrong, you need to be nicer to yourself.

Well done on getting through the day - have a nice bath or a long shower, have a cry, dry yourself off, have something to eat and curl up in bed with a good book and try to relax - and call you GP tomorrow morning asap and book an appt for that day. Keep working if it takes your mind off things, but take it one step at a time.

I have watched my mum go through this, and your kids will never forgive him.

It does get easier with time though

I hope you are finding help and support here - you have many people here if you need us. You are not alone in this.

KiwiKat · 05/05/2009 21:41

FA, just wanted to say hello - am so impressed that you went to work today. I know the kids' squabbling can get you down, but at the end of the day, they are your lovely kids, they love you and he's missing out on them. Don't think he's relaxing, having a lovely time with her - he won't be able to forget what he's done, he'll be missing the family and probably thinking over and over What have I DONE?!

Please have some soup, if nothing more.

MistressSeuss · 05/05/2009 21:42

Just try something simple and bland: even if it starts with biscuits with your cup of tea

dizzydixies · 05/05/2009 21:42

I didn't think for a second that the kids had gone without in any way I am worried however that you're running on empty - if you can't swallow food would you consider getting some energy sweets or something?

and its not stupid, its the body's way of coping

Noonki · 05/05/2009 21:45

You are doing so well. And it will get easier but you must eat..you cant think straight without.

can you ask the older kids to find friends to go and stay with over this weekend so that you can concentrate on the younger ones? they may do well having sometime away.

hope you have a good night x

kalo12 · 05/05/2009 21:50

the food won't go down because you are stressed and when that happens you can't digest food, but its going to make you more stressed in the long term so you must try to normalise your gut. Try a cup of cocoa or yoghurt as someone said earlier. just a little bit will help you feel calmer and then you can start eating more.

a hot baht , a cocoa and an early night.

you are doing well, fading.

any news from your H?

stop worrying about what he is doing. i'm sure he is in more torment than you imagine.

Original poster
fadingaway · 05/05/2009 21:53

I don't want my kids to hate their dad....

I am going in the shower, again, and then I will a cup of tea, again, and go to bed, where again, I will have the most awful thoughts about DH and this woman. Probably not doing me any good at all, but I can't help it.

I want to show him this thread so that he can see what his wife has become.

OP posts:
Mumfun · 05/05/2009 21:55

yes please stop worrying about your H. He is his own responsibility now and has behaved shockingly.

Please try to eat something. You need to try to eat a little.

You are doing well. The kids will squabble but you can cope.

Respect to UA who knows her stuff here.

numal · 05/05/2009 21:55

It is horrible to hear that you are suffering so much.

All your angry feelings are perfectly normal. 25 years for Gods sake and he leaves you a note!!
It must go down in history as just about the worse way to leave a marriage.
You are doing so well to manage to get to work today.
No wonder you were cross with the DC tonight. Most nights in this house, bathtime can be lively. I just want the DC to get to bed so I can have some me time.
Please just think only of having something to eat and getting to bed tonight. You must be exhausted with the effort of trying to be normal. You can deal with practical things later, but for now just eat and sleep if possible. We are here to support you.
Sending our thoughts to you at this awful time.

dizzydixies · 05/05/2009 21:55

they won't hate him but they're not daft, they'll realise this has been his choice and the effect it has had on you - they'll also come to know what a strong, loving woman their mum is and will learn by your example

poshtottie · 05/05/2009 21:55

Get an early night.

I think you have coped brilliantly today.

Sleep well. xxxx

kalo12 · 05/05/2009 22:00

well i hope you get the chance to show him, or at least tell him. he is jointly responsible for this marriage and if he wasnt happy he should have mended it, not just walked out without any notice. its ridiculous behaviour- illegal in a business partnership i shouldn't wonder!

you are very strong emotionally and obviously are looking out for your childrens wellbeing ,and that is why you are suffering all the pain yourself, but you can because you are strong enough to get through it.

please try and eat a little of something. a bowl of cereals, porridge, toast.

good night

BottySpottom · 05/05/2009 22:12

'DH is oblivious to all this isn't he. But these are our kids not just mine.

I want to shout WHAT ABOUT ME?'

This is exactly why your children will never forget that you are the one standing by them and their Father is the one who left you to it. They sense the tension, which is why they are playing up. Don't be too hard on yourself, nor them. Could you buy some cheap videos from a charity shop, buy some easy healthy food (bread and humus instead of wearing yourself out cooking food) and just let everyone slob a bit and give you some space?

I am sure that many in your position won't have even been up to bathing their children on day 5.

When you say you don't want your kids to hate their dad, you show in one sentence what a fantastic mum you are. It must be hard also to read the horrible things we are saying about the man that you love and I apologise for my ranting about him yesterday.

What about icecream if food 'won't go down'? And if you could replace a few cups of tea wwith cocoa, that would be fab.

ZipadiSoozi · 05/05/2009 22:36

Fadingaway - You are doing so well, keep your head up high, you have done no wrong.

Do you get on well with anybody at work that you could confide in?

Be kind to yourself

BottySpottom · 05/05/2009 23:06

You OK Fadingaway? I'm off soon.

motherlovebone · 05/05/2009 23:22

Hi FA, I guess you have hit the hay?
just wanted to pop in and say goodnight.
You say you have thoughts of OW and him, try the box technique i suggested a few pages back to minimise it.
you seem to like your showers / baths, its also helpful to visualise washing the negativity off of you and down the drain.
Affirmations could be helpful "Im going to get through today", "i have done nothing wrong" "i approve of myself"
Another food suggestion, do you like smoothies?
seeds are very good to nibble on, or nuts for the nervous system.
will check back tomorrow.
big heartwarming cheery stuff to you.

BottySpottom · 05/05/2009 23:32

Night FA.

Original poster
fadingaway · 06/05/2009 02:04

I'm up again wandering the house. DS has been up with earache.

I have failed so badly and I don't want DDs and DS to suffer for it. I drove their father away and I don't even know how. I can't see a way forward. I woke up and I had forgotten what had happened and then I remembered. I can't even explain. I don't understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingaway · 06/05/2009 02:10

and I don't want to go on like this I am so tired.

OP posts:
hellish · 06/05/2009 02:15

Fading, you have not failed, you have not driven your husband away.

Please stop blaming yourself. This is something he has chosen to do.

I know you must feel desparate now, but in time you WILL feel better. You know you have the strength to get yourself and yourself through another day and you will.

Original poster
fadingaway · 06/05/2009 02:19

if he was happy he wouldn't have gone. And I didn't even see that he wasn't. What possible good am if Ican't see a thing like that? What use can I be to my DDs and DS if I miss something that huge? How can I ever help them?

OP posts:
lal07 · 06/05/2009 03:29

Fading I really hope you've gone back to sleep. You didn't see he was unhappy because he deceived you.

You are doing an amazing job with your DCs. Above everything else you are there for them - you haven't walked out and they will always know that.

Take care - if you really can't eat anything try to put some sugar in your tea. Am so impressed you managed to go to work. You're being very strong.

ozirish · 06/05/2009 03:32

You didn't miss anything. You were being the mother of your children and attending to their needs and working outside the home and looking after the house and everything else!

You were being you and your husband jumped ship. You can do this, you are capable, your H decided the grass is greener.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It feels like you are dead doesn't it? But you're not. You will be an even better mother, woman because of this. You will.

ZacharyQuack · 06/05/2009 04:00

FA, I've been following this but not posted yet. Your husband is an adult, you are not responsible for his happiness. If he is unhappy, the adult thing to do is to address it with you, not to sneak off when your back is turned.

This is not your fault.

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