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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 05/05/2009 12:00

One thing I am SURE of FA.

You are NOT to blame.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
The fact that your H left in such a cowardly way shows that he knows this as well - he knows he is completely 100% to blame for wrecking your and your dcs' lives. And that is why he is too ashamed to speak to you.

And the OW is the lowest of the low. You are so far above her, you have 5 wonderful children who think you are the best mummy in the world. What has she got? A cowardly loser who will soon become a millstone around her neck - her actions will cause her to be despised by people she knows.

Original poster
fadingaway · 05/05/2009 13:24

I am on my lunch break.

Thank you for the posts from last night and this morning.

From reading the posts that said I may not need sleeping tablets I tried the doctor for maybe something milder, but there are no appointments until 18th May.

I did well this morning, but am not good now.

OP posts:
ohdearwhatnext · 05/05/2009 13:27

what kind of work do you do- any chance you could get some leave or unpaid leave for a couple of days?

I would try the natural sleeping help aids if you can, first- lavender baths, valarien tablets, herbal sleeping tabs etc etc- best keep off the hard stuff!

CaptainDippy · 05/05/2009 13:37

I 2nd everything BouncingTurtle say, FA> I offer you my prayers and lots of Concentrate on those wonderful precious children of yours. xx

oliviasmama · 05/05/2009 13:42

Keep your chin up chickie, try and keep going at work.

I'll be around later tonight, got a couple of girlfriends round for supper tonight but will check in on you before I go to bed.

Good luck for the afternoon and I really hope that your children were ok this morning.

poshtottie · 05/05/2009 13:45

I would ring the surgery and tell them its urgent. They should be able to fit you in at the end of surgery.

You should not have to wait until the 18 May.

AbricotsSecs · 05/05/2009 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Unlikelyamazonian · 05/05/2009 15:24

Agree with Hoochie (hi Hoochie ) I think you should insist that the GP sees you. It is an emergency. You have just lost your legs in a way.

Don't panic dear heart. We will be here for you later tonight. is there any way you can get signed off work for a few days/couple of weeks? Your body is working overtime and is holding out well but you need much much energy (buy lots of chocolate. It is energising and has caffeine in it)

Also you probably have practical things to sort out so a few days off work will able you to make a little list and prioritise/rest your brain.

I am so very sorry to see you going through this shit.

How old are you? You may have said already. I am 45 now and thought my life was over when my h flew into oblivion last June. In fact my new life had just begun;

Keep going love. Keep posting. In a short while you will be over the shock and be coping far better than you thought you ever could last week.

I wish I could come round to youe house and make you tea and cake and just babysit while you get some sleep.

Please call the docs and lean on any friends you have. MNttrs have been through this. We speak from experience. We are a gritty army of lovely survivors and you will be fine too. I promise.

tigana · 05/05/2009 15:29

18 May is unacceptable regardless of your situation...did you ask for a specific Dr or specific time? GPs are supposed to be able to offer you an appointment (with any GP and at anytime...) within 48 hours I think.

Although I understand if you would feel more comfortable speaking to a particular Dr.

Original poster
fadingaway · 05/05/2009 20:18

I got home. There is washing and drying to do and all the stuff to get ready for tomorrow. I am so tired.

The DCs argued and fought and squabbled.

I've not eaten anything, again.

Meanwhile, DH will be with her, cosy and quiet. No kids, no chores, no being so tired he could drop. No wonder he walked,eh?

OP posts:
tribpot · 05/05/2009 20:21

UA - as ever you rock the mostest. There is a country called Survivors of Fuckwittage and when you wash up on those shores you feel like it's the worst place to be, and over time you discover that the seas have delivered you to a place of safety, a place of respect and a place of love. That is the place beyond Fuckwittage.

UA and all you other ladies who have been through this horror are our ambassadors from this land, thank you for being here to help the newer arrivals. UA I remember your physical reaction to your H naffing off - the shakes, the sweats, the loss of appetite.

FA - you need to see a GP sooner than 18th May, that's not acceptable.

Original poster
fadingaway · 05/05/2009 20:25

and what do I say to the GP anyway - my DH left me and broke my heart and I can't cope? I don't think they can mend it.

I am so self-pitying tonight. Sorry. Really, I'm sorry.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 05/05/2009 20:26

You are doing well fading. Try and eat something, even something tiny.

He won't be as happy as you imagine. If he is anyway half decent, he will be feeling lower than a snakes belly right now. That will impact on his newfound cosiness, that's for sure.

It won't all be as perfect and nice as you imagine.

DutchOma · 05/05/2009 20:31

And the better you cope, and I agree with everybody that you are doing remarkably well, the worse it will be for him.
I think you are marvellous, coping with all the getting meals for the children and getting them ready for school tomorrow. Once they are in bed try a cup of tea with a biscuit, just one

BottySpottom · 05/05/2009 20:35

Please try and eat something Fadingaway. You must be so exhauste and it would help a little bit. Something easy like porridge? a take away? anything for some energy - plus you'd sleep better on a full stomach.

AbricotsSecs · 05/05/2009 20:37

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Message withdrawn

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 05/05/2009 20:45

I agree with Hoochie you say this:

'My husband has left. I have children to be healthy for. I can't eat and I can't sleep. Help.'

You need to eat. Cereal, soup, chocolate, biscuits. Something. You can't keep functioning without it.

Much love xx

DutchOma · 05/05/2009 20:55

Could you try some yoghurt?

dizzydixies · 05/05/2009 21:07

what about a little broth? some warmth might help you?

cheltenhamgal · 05/05/2009 21:10

hi have come late to this thread but I want to add my support and good vibes. I cannot believe what a total utter git he has been. You will get through this, I know it seems really hard at present but you will, you will keep going for your gorgeous children.
I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and please try and eat something even if it is just a piece of toast, big hugs

Longtalljosie · 05/05/2009 21:14

Cereal seems like a good idea. Muesli, if you've got it - it contains good energy-food like nuts and dried fruit.

I know you don't want to eat, babe, but could you give it a go? For us?

And seeing the doctor will help. Honest.

Greyclay · 05/05/2009 21:18

Dearest FA - believe me, your GP will have treated people in your situation before, you absolutely need to see him/her as soon as possible. You need to do that for yourself so that you can be strong for you and your children. You need tools to cope at the moment and that is extremely normal for anyone in your situation.

When my exH left (and I didn't even have children to worry about), I kept going to work. I clearly remember sitting in meetings and feeling as though I was going to crawl out of my own skin. A coworker I had confided in made me call her GP who was lovely and prescribed some anti-anxiety meds for me temporarily. It helped me cope and I only took them for a few weeks.

You are in the very early stages of grieving right now and are reeling with all of the physical mental symptoms that accompany it. You are normal and there is help. Do not worry about what others may think.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of strength.

Original poster
fadingaway · 05/05/2009 21:19

I'm upset because today has been the most "normal" day so far - the nursery/school run/getting to work stress, the DDs and DS at school and nursery and then coming home cranky.

Me not getting home til nearly 6pm.

I asked DD2 and DD3 to see to the dog and have a meal. They didn't.

DD4 didn't want a bath so I saw to DS, bathed him, read him his story, then went into her room and she decided she wanted a story too...

I virtually had to scream at DD3 to go in the shower, and the dog weed all over the bathroom floor.

I'm trying so hard to be kind and gentle with the DDs and DS but nobody here is returning the favour. DD2 is happy upstairs with her boyfriend. She is in a strop because I won't/can't buy her a new mobile.

And DH is oblivious to all this isn't he. But these are our kids not just mine.

I want to shout WHAT ABOUT ME?

And all I can do is go in the shower myself and cry again.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 05/05/2009 21:28

they might belong to both of you but he's turned his back right now, you are a mother in the truest sense at the moment because you keep going without giving it a second thought - you will look back at your time with your children with no regrets - he, on the other hand will not be able to say the same

have you eaten today at all?

thirtysomething · 05/05/2009 21:30

OMG have also come to this late and can't believe what he has done. I don't think the English language has a word strong enough for him.

You sound amazingly strong and such a good mum. It's so hard what you're going through but you will get through it. Please consider counselling - it would really help you to have some space for yourself and be able to let it all out and work through stuff. Big cyber hugs xx

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