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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
claireybee · 04/05/2009 21:09

Also just how much of a wanker is he to leave you and his kids with a note and then to text them not even phone them. I'm outraged on your behalf!

Original poster
fadingaway · 04/05/2009 21:13

I'm so tired. I know I should hate him and want to kill him but I don't.I want my DS to go in the bath without crying for his daddy, and not to wake up in the night crying for him.

I can't even give DS that can I.

This is more than half my life and it is all gone.

OP posts:
AbricotsSecs · 04/05/2009 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nighbynight · 04/05/2009 21:14

Oi, fading - you had him when he was young and beautiful though.....

Dont do comparisons. my ex has had loads of younger girlfriends - leaves me cold. He is just chasing his lost youth.

Invest in yourself now, please do.

BottySpottom · 04/05/2009 21:18

He can only talk when he is ready? The bastard. I imagine your oldest two would rather have taken their exams when they 'were ready' rather than after having their little lives shattered into pieces.

Kiwi I agree a name change would be positive. I was thinking more along the lines of 'HeWasATwunt'.

If you can't eat, try a mug of cocoa.

Chin up Fadingaway.

BottySpottom · 04/05/2009 21:20

And, while I am on my soapbox, who in the hell bins their wife of 25 years by letting the children tell her?

I know you still love him and it must be horrible reading us all ranting about him ... sorry.

poshtottie · 04/05/2009 21:21

Please don't torture yourself with thinking what the other woman looks like, she is not worth it.

I never wanted to take AD or sleeping tablets to help me but I did have a locum doctor sit with me for hours whilst I cried. They are used to seeing people in your situation and are there to help.

Original poster
fadingaway · 04/05/2009 21:26

I am proud that I have got through today.

How pathetic to feel pride in that. No bloody wonder he left.

I am going to tidy up and have a shower. Please, if anyone is around, I will come back and I am so grateful for your messages.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 04/05/2009 21:26

Oh Fading, just found out my twunt of a H has an OW. Told me they met and moved in within the 5 weeks he has left me - I'm not as green as the cabbage I look. I am so angry now I could kill.

Don't worry about not eating - I couldn't for days. Rich tea biscuits got me through.

dizzydixies · 04/05/2009 21:27

do you drink tea? would you manage some tea? and you're needing to get a hold of some rescue remedy too. you really need to look after yourself or let someone else come and help you - please

the other woman is a slug - end of story - she'll get hers and you'll have the love and respect of your 5 children

reducedfatkettlechip · 04/05/2009 21:29

I'm around for a while. You're right to feel proud of yourself, you're coping with this, running a house and looking after your dc's.

I'll bet he doesn't feel the same sense of pride wherever he is at the moment.

Have been thinking today, what kind of woman runs off with a father of 5 dc's? I would be horrified if any of my friends acted this way. She must be lovely They truly deserve each other.

dizzydixies · 04/05/2009 21:31

fading I'm proud if I can manage that and I'm not in your situation - don't belittle yourself please - this is NOT about your ability to cope/function this is HIS terrible behaviour not yours

oliviasmama · 04/05/2009 21:31

Dont think of that cow now, concentrate on tonight and tomorrow as your first day of "normality". You have done absolutely brilliantly to get through this weekend, well done and a massive well done for getting your children through it too. I think it's good for them that tomorrow is a normal day, good for you too IMO to get to work, it'll distract your mind slightly and I also really hope that you are able to have a chat and get support from some of your colleagues. Why dont you wait and see what tomorrow brings before you make your final decision on the doctors - as someone has already said they are good to talk and perhaps they will just listen. It all depends on your doc I suppose, mine was fantastic when I was not up to scratch. Anyway after all that, you must do exactly what you feel is best, only you know, we're all here to support you whatever you decide and there are some excellent words of wisdom to help you along too. GOOD LUCK FOR TOMORROW.

IDidntRaiseAThief · 04/05/2009 21:41

go to the doctors fa, it will help just to talk, to get your gp up to speed, that something monumental has happened, to get it on record.
Even if you don't walk away with sleepin gtablets and the like, it will be there on your notes for future, if you shuold need to go back. teh you won't have to explain it al again.

You might feel better, sharing it, getting it out there face to face.

You know what, you are fuckng brilliant, becuase hey, despite what you thought, you got through these past few days, when you thought you couldn't.

It just happens, somehow. You do it. Your anger will come, you can't rush what you feel or how or when you are giong to feel it.

There are no rights or wrongs, it's way to early for anyone to say what you shuold be feeling.

kalo12 · 04/05/2009 21:42

he probably can't talk to you cos he doesn't want whoever he's with to find out what a spineless thing he has done.

this other woman won't be all that i assure you. and its immaterial.

you have got your lovely children, you will get through this.

Take it easy at work. go home sick if you need to. you have every right too. anyone would understand, even if they don't , and your boss sounds an idiot, too bad, you are still within your rights to go home and stay off sick.

honeydew · 04/05/2009 21:45

Just read your post and wanted to add my support.

Fadingaway, you have no choice here- you HAVE to be strong or you will sink and that's not an option for you.

Losing your health and your sleep will not bring him.

You must look to you inner self and take each hour as it comes and be determined to survive and get through this period of trauma.

drink a slug of alcohol to keep yourself calm and think about what to do next.Make practical plans and keep focused on yourself and your children. You have everything to live for so keep centred on yourself, not him or the reasons for his appalling behaviour.

You can do this on your own, you can survive -play that Gloria Gaynor song- 'I will survive', it's a great song for pulling on your strength and being determined not to let this situation overwhelm you. I know it sounds really corny but it does work and is empowering.

You sound like a mature, sensible and rational woman. Keep it that way and you must not fall apart. You must eat for your children's sake.

Do not go to the doctor's for help unless you really feel the need. Tablets will not solve his situation. Your life has not ended, your children need you and you must
keep your sanity for them. Do not give in or give up, you are better than that. Otherwise he has won and you must not let hm beat you, not ever.

I will be thinking of you and pray that you keep strong. You will get through this nightmare, I promise.

honeydew · 04/05/2009 21:49

I agree with others on here about your work. Go home- stay off sick if you need to. Do whatever you have to do to keep this situation under your control and if you need time off - take it.

pmoo · 04/05/2009 21:54

I've been through something similar and my heart goes out to you. If it's any help I've reached the other side and I'm a much happier and confident person for it. The first few months will be hard, I threw myself into work and my children. I concentrated on doing 'fun' things with them, all in all I kept myself really busy so I didn't have time to mellow on things and that really helped me. I used to get upset over silly things, like when the washing machine broke down getting someone to fix it, I know that sounds trivial, but my ex used to do those sort of things. Anyway, now I can change plugs, take wardrobes out, sort out blocked sinks, do all my work and still play with the children!! You will feel like superwoman, but it's great!

Good luck with things and remember there is life after a man, and sometimes it does make you a better more independent person!

numal · 04/05/2009 22:05

You are some amazing woman to have got through the last 4 days. Too right your husband is sorry - he doesn't know the meaning of the word. Sorry he certainly will be when the reality hits him and his floozie won't be any compensation for the loss of his DC and DW ,
not to mention massive loss of respect from other family and friends. God knows how he can sleep at night, abandoning his precious children. Every time I read your OP I am furious on your behalf. Going in to work tomorrow will help, just getting out of the house has got to be good for you. Stay strong- full of admiration for your courage. Go to bed soon and just rest - Good luck and keep us posted.

oliviasmama · 04/05/2009 22:16

I'm going to bed FA, got to be up early tomorrow morning. I hope you get to sleep tonight, why don't you put DS into bed with you if he wakes, you can both snuggle up together then. I love cuddling my DD in our bed especially if I have a few worries, makes everything feel ok. See you tomorrow.....and well well well done for the weekend.

oliviasmama · 04/05/2009 22:17

night

Mumfun · 04/05/2009 22:17

Hi Just wanted to add my support too. Im in a sad recently separated situation too so know something of what youre going through. The pain is awful but you are doing so well. Eat and look after yourself for your children - try to eat a little when you drink as others said. The kids need you very much well and eating- but do it for yourself too. Will keep in touch with you through this thread. Hope you can get some sleep tonight!

Original poster
fadingaway · 04/05/2009 22:19

I am going to bed soon.

I was in the shower and it just hit m, a wave of pure fear. I'm paralysed by it. I'm shaking now with it. What am I going to do? It's going round and round.

All day long I have pretended everything is normal. I played with DD4 and DS, I fed them and bathed them and got everything ready for tomorrow and for what? Tomorrow will be the same. I will pray that he texts me, and he won't. When he did today I was so relieved because I thought that the note he left me must have been a lie. I thought he had snapped or something and had done something to himself and he was just talking about another woman as a way out,an excuse to go and do whatever. I thought he had hurt himself. But he texted me didn't he. He hasn't hurt himself has he. He really has got someone else and they are together now and I am here and I can't do this

OP posts:
cherryblossoms · 04/05/2009 22:25

You OK, Fadingaway?

dizzydixies · 04/05/2009 22:26

you will go to bed, hopefully sleep and get up and do it all again tomorrow

your kids need you right now and thats what is important - everyday is another step towards it not being this hurtful. He's made his choice and when he comes to regret it you'll be able to say you rose above it all and showed him

you can do this and you WILL do it and we're all here to help

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