(((FadingAway))) I'm sending you big hugs as I know exactly where you are coming from. My H left me just over a year ago now, 10 years into our marriage but having been together for 15 years. He went off to China for business and was in fact with the Chinese business partner. He returned and came up with all excuses under the sun as to why he was leaving, mainly all my fault before finally admitting there was another woman.
I too felt like dying, I felt dead inside so I didnt think it would make much difference if I really was. MN was amazing it really helped me through, I told MN before I could even tell my RL friends and family, I was sooo ashamed that my marriage had broken down and it appeared to be all my fault, which of course it wasnt.
I also cried like an animal, I howled, and sobbed huge body wracking sobs, my life had ended and it did feel worse than a bereavement.
However a year on, Im slowly getting on with life, my two children DS (now 10) and DD(5) are my life, they were both so broken by their dads behaviour and my ds was a wonderful child even at 9 although of course I didnt tell him everything!
Since h has gone, Ive got myself a job and am pleased to say that Im off to Uni in Sept to start a teaching degree! Ive left my rut that was my life and im now grabbing every day with full gusto.
I know that this sounds great and seems a long way off, Its taken me 13m to get here and plenty of times he has tried to drag me right back down. But I do promise you that the initial gut wrenching, painful feeling of shock that you are experiencing will fade into the shadows.
I still find sleeping at night the worst part, I often dont go to bed but sleep on the sofa or if my dd comes into my bed I will venture in there, this is my last hurdle I need to get over. It certainly wont all fall into place immediately, but it will get better.
I didnt eat for months, lost a lot of weight and made myself ill, but from what ive heard this is normal and my doctor referred to it as the divorce diet. Go to your GP if you feel you cant cope, I did, it helped, Im weaned off the pills now but it did help.
Yesterday at my sons birthday party (for h's side of the family) I looked at h and thought for the first time I am glad we are no longer together, I dont really like the man he is. He is weak and a bully and very much on his own now! and at the end of the day he will miss out on so much as his children grow up and he is not there, sod him serves him right!
Much love to you, keep strong
CGM xxx