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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

no sex for 8 years

53 replies

mmm · 23/04/2003 08:10

My partner likes sex either with me on top or doggy style. While I was happy to oblige with this , I now find it all rather boring and impersonal. I'd like some face to face but p doesn't like it.We have reached a stalemate of pretty much no intimacy ( we are friends though and commited) but I'd like to have some sex ( I think) but we don't fancy each other any more. P of course will NOT go to counselling.Help ! After 8 years it all feels rather embarrassing !

OP posts:
pupuce · 23/04/2003 13:21

Watch an erotic movie together????

edgarcat · 23/04/2003 13:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mmm · 23/04/2003 18:02

We don't go out together ALONE and the erotic movies would also seem impersonal . P thinks that sex and love are not connected, but not having had sex for so long I'm rather insecure and don't want sex without love - it's all so damn complicated. Anyway thanks for your suggestions, pupuce and edgarcat.

OP posts:
edgarcat · 23/04/2003 18:33

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arabella2 · 23/04/2003 23:30

Hello mmm
My dh and I also go for long patches without sleeping together. Our sex life was pretty infrequent before ds and since ds (17 months), has been much "worse". I certainly can relate to the feeling of embarrassment - your partner becomes so much like a friend that the thought of getting all hot and sweaty with them is simply weird and feels a little inappropriate. On the occasions when we have "got it together" there have been times when my desire has simply died a death and others where it has been really great - in a way better than it was before ds.... Sex is so intimately related to how you are getting on in general that I think it is impossible to talk about it without talking about the whole of your relationship. I think dh and I have quite a few issues that we may even have consciously forgotten about but your body doesn't...
Is your husband willing to talk about your sex life at all? Maybe you need more time apart (not always easy) to rekindle that romantic interest. It is kind of scary when you feel you no longer fancy your other half..., but it may be that in fact you are angry or hurt about other things and it is manifesting itself in this way?
I certainly think it is a tall order to be expected to get on with each other on a practical level, look after the kids, the house, hold down a job or whatever AND jump into bed with each other. Too many different roles to cope with in some ways...
In the past I think people may have been a lot more pragmatic about marriage, not expecting it to be the be all and end all romantically that we expect it to be today. Not that you shouldn't mmm, I can totally relate to that feeling that you would like more romance/sex in your life with your husband, because I feel the same way. In my case I think my dh's libido is much lower than mine which I have kind of grown to accept but still occasionally irritates me.

Original poster
mmm · 24/04/2003 12:42

edgarcat, maybe I am anlysing it too much ( P says I'm pretty intense ) and as Arabella2 says,we have lots of issues ( I was abused as a child for a start, so that's a tricky one ). P will talk about it but we really don't have a lot of time alone , but we will make some. I wonder how many other couples have a celibate life? I don't like the thought that that's it for my life of passion, but really since having the children ( we had sex 3 times 2 years ago, hence our little one - and me at 45 !)a mix of exhaustion and emotional upheaval all but killed off any libido I had. But as we all know, only I and P can sort it out,so last night I made a date with P to go out next week together. It's a start.

OP posts:
mum2toby · 24/04/2003 12:43

mmm - couples living as friends rather than lovers is MUCH more common than we think. My dp and I rarely indulge unless we're drunk!!! Sad, but true.

whymummy · 24/04/2003 14:24

mmm i think going out together is a great start,we havent done that in ages and it shows,hopefully were going away for a couple of days wich im hoping will make the difference as were not getting on at all,weve not had sex for over 6 weeks first i went home with the children for three weeks i came back with a tooth abcess and stayed downstairs because i couldnt sleep with the pain,then my period came followed by an ear infeccion and because of the antibiotics i now have thrush so the ignorant warthog now thinks i got thrush from sleeping with someone while i was away!!grrrrrrr MEN!!

Original poster
mmm · 24/04/2003 19:36

I think it'll take a lot of working together to get a sexlife going. I guess I don't feel like a "sex goddess" anymore and it always takes such a lot of time for me to come (I have to do it myself - I'd love someone to be able to do it for me ). We have separate bedrooms so don't even have that cuddly bit. It's not all sad , perhaps it sounds it to all of you well adjusted poppets (and I don't drink at all so can't get drunk to be able to indulge - mum2toby), P is a doting papa and a steadfast and intelligent and handsome fellow (and more). Maybe I should go and work on myself with a good therapist for a while and see if that rubs off onto us.I hope it's ok to muse like this. I really value your replies and as usual it's good to hear we're not alone.

OP posts:
edgarcat · 24/04/2003 19:40

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edgarcat · 24/04/2003 19:43

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doormat · 24/04/2003 20:21

mmm, Just reading your comment on taking a long time to orgasm. Well I read in the Mirror today of "Vielle". It is a little plastic nodule thing that fits on your or dh's finger and it stimulates the clitty.Would it be worth giving that a try? maybe a bit of novelty is what is needed in your relationship.Sometimes sex can be so boring as we know where our dh's are going to put their hand next etc.Spice it up a bit, dress up etc Visit an Ann Summers shop. I dont mean to be crude but I hope I have given you some ideas. Take care

Rhiannon · 24/04/2003 20:54

I thought this was about 8 year olds and explaining the facts of life, I'll move on!

edgarcat · 25/04/2003 11:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mmm · 25/04/2003 18:19

edgarcat - give me a break ! it's not even next week yet ! I used to be a very "dirty girl" so be as crude as you like doormat . I'll certainly let you know when we get it together, but after such a long time I wouldn't hang around if I were you. Sorry.

OP posts:
katierocket · 25/04/2003 18:56

mmm, I now exactly how you feel and arabella2's description could be me. My DP and I haven't had sex (other than a handful of times) for more than a 2 years. it is a total nightmare and has really affected our relationship.

I know it is to do with me and lots of issues I have (dad left when I was a child, don't know where he lives, very unaffectionate parents - it's a long dull story) - after trying lots of the usual things, sexy underwear, drinking, trying to recreate dates etc I came to realise that I probably needed to find out what my problem with sex is and made the decision to go to counselling (cognitive, behavioural therapy). Like anabella2 I almost find it embarassing, which is ridiculous when we had such wild, fantastic sex when we first met but I'm starting to realise that it's to do with how I was brought up and my attitude to sex/relationships in general.

I can't believe I'm revealing all this on mumsnet but heh, ho. All I'm saying really is that I am definitely not, by nature someone who would go for 'therapy' and at first I just thought by loss of libido was down having a baby but I know there is more to it than that. Would you consider/have you ever been to a therapist?

doormat · 25/04/2003 19:23

mmm I did not mean to offend you in anyway. If I have I apologise. All I was trying to point out that sometimes our sex lives get into a "rut". And that sometimes a change is needed. As for being a "dirty girl" I was only offering suggestions as to your question.

Eowyn · 25/04/2003 20:25

Can certainly identify with sex almost seeming unnatural with dh & definitely just don't feel sexy. Very hard to imagine how to change that, especially as can hear dd's every breath from my bed. & it hurts since she was born, but I think it is probably psycological, or that he needs to put in a bit more effort (understatement) to get me in right frame of mind etc...

The thing is, you can know all the theories, dressing up etc, but actually doing it is another matter.

edgarcat · 25/04/2003 20:59

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Original poster
mmm · 26/04/2003 07:31

edgarcat, it's not that you're out of order, it's just it's such a big deal for me after all this time and I felt that you were rushing me into something, ok ? doormat, I'm not the least bit offended - I do have an irregular sexlife with my vibrator and sexy books - I thought being a "dirty girl" was a compliment !!! and katierocket, I've been for therapy quite a few times but never found the right one perhaps, I think I need a real sex therapist rather than just a general one. Ok everybody? I think you're all darlings for trying to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmm · 26/04/2003 07:31

edgarcat, it's not that you're out of order, it's just it's such a big deal for me after all this time and I felt that you were rushing me into something, ok ? doormat, I'm not the least bit offended - I do have an irregular sexlife with my vibrator and sexy books - I thought being a "dirty girl" was a compliment !!! and katierocket, I've been for therapy quite a few times but never found the right one perhaps, I think I need a real sex therapist rather than just a general one. Ok everybody? I think you're all darlings for trying to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmm · 26/04/2003 07:39

eowyn, it was really after the birth of my 8 year old that I too went off sex . Do you think it could be to do with seeing yourself as a mum and also as a sexual woman and trying to combine all the other roles we assume ? Also men find it difficult to adjust after the baby has been born and as they haven't been through the pregnancy and childbirth they don't realise the enormous upheaval and changes that we've been through and perhaps expect you to be just the same as you were whereas you probably feel very different.

OP posts:
doormat · 26/04/2003 07:50

mmm it is ok, I must of taken your message the wrong way. I think all us mums feel unattractive at one time or another. With me most of the time especially when I'm running around after kids all day, then cleaning up after the whole lot of them. It gets me down.

jasper · 26/04/2003 09:39

I once heard a sex "expert" say there is only one sure cure for lack of desire but therapists could not admit it . It's "get a new partner"
Not v. practical

katierocket · 26/04/2003 10:14

mmm, the point you make about being a mum and also being a sexual woman is definitely one of the issues I have identified in counselling as being a problem for me. God, it sounds so melodramatic but it's all to do with my mum and dad, how they were, their attitudes to sex, what my messages about sex in a loving relationships were etc etc.

A sex therapist would be a good idea but I do think you need one that looks at the root cause. My counsellor was saying that I was almost 'phobic' about sex, i.e. I just shut down, can't lay back and think of England - for some reason I just can't do it. It's just that everything you've said is so the same as me.
And I also used to be an 'anything goes' girl when me and DP first met that's why it's so hard to reconcile yourself with the person you used to be. I loved sex, was a wild sex vixen (IFYKWIM) Sorry rambling now!
When it gets to this stage it's about much more than just watching a porn film or making more of an 'effort'. As for a new partner jasper - can't speak for mmm but the problem is with me and my issues of sex, it's happened before in a relationship and if I found someone else no doubt it would happen again, that is why I really recommend to mmm trying to find out what is behind it.