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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

no sex for 8 years

53 replies

mmm · 23/04/2003 08:10

My partner likes sex either with me on top or doggy style. While I was happy to oblige with this , I now find it all rather boring and impersonal. I'd like some face to face but p doesn't like it.We have reached a stalemate of pretty much no intimacy ( we are friends though and commited) but I'd like to have some sex ( I think) but we don't fancy each other any more. P of course will NOT go to counselling.Help ! After 8 years it all feels rather embarrassing !

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mmm · 26/04/2003 12:06

jasper I'd love a lover, but like katierocket I know it'd be the same old story again after a while. Before I became a committed partner, I used to jump about all over the place, try anything sexually etc, but I've never managed a long term sexual loving relationship before and that is what I'm aiming for..so - how does one go about getting what I'd like ? I can't lie back and think of England either. It feels as though I've got to get it right and it would be so easy with a new lover , but with the man I'm meant to be closest with ( together 13 years and 2 kids later ) it feels like an insurmountable problem at the moment. P is quite happy with his sexlife looking at porn on the internet by the way , but has obviously got issues too .

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Eowyn · 26/04/2003 20:57

Also, part of the problem with desire for dh is the fact that there are always 1000 little resentments bubbling below the surface, which do not exactly make me want him.
But the awareness of the closeness of dd all the time is totally off-putting too, I did once suggest we sneak into the creaky single bed in the spare room but he seemed to think this a bit stupid. He doesn't have inhibitions, I just have them all. Can't relax, especially at night, not knowing if she'll wake. Think I ought to drink lots just before bed but then I wouldn't want to be bothered with moving.
It doesn't seem to be an important enough problem to do anything about, just something I forlornly hope will improve one day...

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Rhubarb · 26/04/2003 21:57

Mmm, do you have any female friends you could go out with? Sometimes it helps to get dressed up, tart yourself up a bit, and go on a girly night out. Looking good and having a good time does boost your confidence and self-image. And if men chat you up, well that's a real bonus!
It is hard being a mum and wife and still feeling sexy. Dh and I are such good friends that sometimes it is embarrassing for us to get it together too! Being drunk helped, but I know you don't do that. I'm now pregnant and can't get drunk either, I lost my libido for a while (7 weeks) and thought it would never come back, but we went for a weekend break and he was so nice to me, made me feel special. When you feel loved it is easier to make love.
So doll yourself up a bit and let him know what a wonderful partner he's got! Tease him a little, get him to make an effort, it can't all come from you. If he sees you going out looking a million dollars, he'll want to have you all to himself!
HTH.

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jasper · 26/04/2003 23:35

I think what the sex therapist meant was it is difficult and very unusual to maintain a passionate sex life beyond about 2 years of ANY relationship, not that the one you are in is wrong as such. In other words you would indeed have to keep changing partners every 2 years to maintain a good sex life unless you are very lucky.
Clearly this is not practical nor even desirable.

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mmm · 27/04/2003 08:22

rhubarb I don't do nights! My social life is by day - I've only just started tirning out the light at 10 after years of conking out no later than 8:30. Pathetic I know. I guess I'm not a girly girl. I adore women, but I'm a serious bore sort ( reading/art/cinema ) rather than clubby. Anyway thanks.
Eowyn you sound as though you've got a wee baby there and so it's no wonder you don't feel like sex especially as you're too sore. It took me ages to readjust to any sort of a normal life after childbirth ( it still isn't "normal" - whatever that is ) . Rhubarb you're right about feeling loved. I know p loves me , but he doesn't make me feel special . Jasper I heard that it's difficult to maintain a passionate sex life with someone after 2 years because that's about the time it takes to conceive and have a baby and for the baby to become old enough to survive. It's all in nature - we're just a load of old monkeys !

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Chinchilla · 27/04/2003 10:29

mmm - you're not boring. You don't have to go clubbing to have a girly night. What about cinema and then a meal with some girl friends? Or a day in London/nearest city at the art galleries? Make him look after your child for the day. If he sees you come home mentally fulfilled, after having a fun day with some friends, then he will remember the fun side of you.

I agree that the two positions your dh/dp likes are impersonal. Nothing wrong with them (fun actually!) if he is not selfish, and allows you to choose the positons too. It does sound like he doesn't want to see your face, which must be really demoralising. I know how you feel, as dh doesn't want me when I am overweight (as I am now). However, you can have counselling on your own, and it might make you feel a stronger person in your own right.

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jasper · 27/04/2003 16:40

mmm that makes sense. I have also thought falling in love is just nature's con to get us to reproduce.
Honestly, I'm quite a positive person in real life

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Tinker · 27/04/2003 17:22

This was in the Observer today - don't know if it will help but might be interesting

www.observer.co.uk/magazine/story/0,11913,944252,00.html

(Can't seem to get Observer/Guardian stuff into links for some reason- Oliver James' article in the magazine.)

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WideWebWitch · 27/04/2003 20:25

Tinker, the links won't work because of the commas in them I think. I've never managed a proper Guardian link straight to a story (for this reason, I assume).

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mmm · 28/04/2003 08:08

Was it the mariella Frostup article ? I did read that but wasn't too impressed. I guess I'll just have to recognise that what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. My P does like my face! I think what's bugging me is he doesn't like good old missionary or sideways or any of the others, no wonder I got bored. I do go out with my friends to galleries/cinemas etc. I have a lovely life - I guess I just want some GOOD sex too.

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Lil · 28/04/2003 13:44

mmm, here's a thought for you..

sex stops when you're married..because all of a sudden you are shagging a relative!

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Rhubarb · 28/04/2003 16:12

Ewww! Anyway, I don't think Mmmm is married so that doesn't count really.

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Tinker · 28/04/2003 19:08

mmm - no, a few pages before or after the Mariella ('I-have-a-friend-who-has-been-in-the-same-position' article - by Oliver James. I mean it's not that good, just slightly pertinent.

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mmm · 28/04/2003 19:10

I just got married a couple of weeks ago because I wanted health care. I'm pretty pissed off about it cos suddenly I'm "trapped" - I was before it just feels more so! In 2003 you still have to actually go to the registry office . ( I live in Belgium). I did have sex with a cousin once come to think of it!

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Eowyn · 28/04/2003 20:07

mmm, now I feel even more pathetic cos dd is 3 & I still worry every time she grunts in her sleep. Don't even know what I worry about, just every noise makes my heart race.
Think it very true about the 2 years, I do miss the thrill of the chase, but not worth the hassle nowadays.

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mmm · 29/04/2003 07:10

eowyn , I had my first girl sleeping with me in the same bed until she was 7. I couldn't bear to have her away from me ( well, it was half and half) I thought I was being a bad mum if she cried AT ALL (even though you read about most babies cry for 2 hours a day)and of course she loved sleeping next to me. 2nd baby loves being in her own bed. You are not one tiny bit pathetic to worry about your little one. It sounds awful if you're still sore after the birth if it's 3 years ago. Do you think you could see someone about that? And your partner is perhaps feeling pushed out (as mine did) by the arrival of your child and your close connection with her so maybe that's why he's seeming less than sensitive?

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Rhubarb · 29/04/2003 15:09

Mmm, if you are feeling trapped already this does not bode good! Being married has actually helped me. There are times we have had problems that I thought were unresolvable, and if we weren't married they would have finished the relationship, but because we made those vows to each other, we work really hard on making the relationship work. We talk through our problems, we'll consult friends, we'll give each other space, and more often than not, we'll come up with a compromise. I have never felt trapped through being married, though I have felt trapped being a mother - I guess you can't compromise with a toddler can you!

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mmm · 30/04/2003 11:01

rhubarb I know I feel trapped, but it's all about him getting his hands on my vast personal fortune!No, I'm just kidding! It's that I thought I'd never have to marry anyone and it feels strange to me. P on the other hand seems to feel a lot more secure and is much nicer to me now. Great. Hope your pregnancy is going ok and you're not too knackered.

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Eowyn · 01/05/2003 20:54

Sleeping with you for 7 years! wow. Mine slept in our room for 6 months as instructed but i moved into the spare room after 2 as she kept me awake, still heard the minute she woke & got her up before dh ever stirred. of course.
Re sex, I didn't tear or anything but have felt as if I'm much tighter since I had her, the initial entry really hurts tho ok after a bit, but he assures me I don't feel tighter & when he remembered to have a bit of a feel around first I didn't hurt, I was so releived but he then forgot the next time. Really pissed me off, hadn't occured to me that he would.
Also, we sleep in separate rooms as did for so long after she was born he now claims he can't relax with me in case he snores....I have now got so used to being on my own I take up the whole bed..but makes me sad & doesn't make us any closer.
It is wholly ridiculous that he can't relax with me as we managed fine for 5 years before having her, again, psychological.
Anyway, sorry for waffling on about my problems.
Having re-read your original post we are not dissimilar, friends most of the time. And, he likes me on top & seems to think this is all women's favourite position despite the fact that I always feel completely detached up there & tend to think about my shopping lists.
Must stop...

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Clarinet60 · 01/05/2003 23:02

LOL shopping lists, Eowyn!
I agree, it does tend to make your mind wander. If only they knew, eh?

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mmm · 03/05/2003 13:10

I love my big bed all to myself and am pleased not to have a farting snorer next to me ( excuse me oh sensitive ones!) but I agree that it is sad that we don't get those bed time cuddly bits that I imagine most couples do.I find it's hard when we go away somewhere as most people only have 1 spare room and 2 hotel rooms are bloody expensive!(we'll have to have 2 yurts as well when we go to the campsite) I still haven't had any sex BUT P and I actually went out together yesterday and went to the cinema("About Schmidt" and then out to lunch and a walk home and it was LOVELY and made us promise to do it regularly- let's hope we do.

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edgarcat · 03/05/2003 13:48

Message withdrawn

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mmm · 04/05/2003 10:24

hi edgarcat haven't seen you for a while! That night I said if you give me a massage I'll give you a wank ( again , excuse me oh sensitive ones!) . Aren't I just the most romantic? Anyway, I got a lovely massage and he got a lovely wank. I honestly haven't had so much touching all for me for years. I know you probably think I'm slow and weird - and of course you're right, but we are making progress.

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SoupDragon · 04/05/2003 12:18

mmm it sound like you're making just the right sort of progress to me.

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doormat · 04/05/2003 13:33

mmm pleased to hear about the nice time you and P had on your date. It is nice when it happens like that. You will get there in the end but ONLY when you are ready to.
You have got me a bit envious of you as I have to sleep next to a farting,snoring,stinking fat a**.heehee otherwise it would be the floor for me!!

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