what do you do when you just know your husband doesnt fancy you or want sex, and hasnt for years, my heart is broken

[fromheretowhere]

DH and I married when I was 21. I am 30 now. The first year he was keen on sex but then it just seemed to stop. Gradually I came to realise he never made a move towards me. That I would extend invitations in whatever way that he either pretended not to notice or just didnt take up. This has caused so much pain and hurt in me.

When we have sex - averaging about 3 times a year - it is very very good. He has no health problems. He admitted he was depressed years ago and blamed his lack of lust on that, but no matter what has changed as the years have gone by this has remained.

I have cried, wept, begged, been angry, threatened divorce, given ultimatums, you name it I have been there over the last 9 years. I have been humiliated and shaking with pain and embarrassment and devastation and shock. I have cried at looking at myself in the mirror and cringed when thinking about how I look. I was gorgeous. Really gorgeous when I was younger. And I have gained weight - I am quite tall but 18 stone. I look after myself very well, put a lot of effort into how I look, dress well for my body, and am losing weight slowly anyway. I sometimes think I am still beautiful and desirable but then I do something to make a move on him and he just cuddles me and goes to sleep and I am lying in bed crying again. This has just happened and I have got out of bed as I cant stand humiliating myself by crying in front of him again.

We have had sex twice in a couple of weeks and both times at his initiation which is something of a record. But I believe it is just because a couple of weeks ago I had another one of my meltdowns over it and said I had to leave, that I couldnt face this rejection and pain every day anymore if he did nothing to help it.

He loves me very very much. He adores me, he sets me up as some kind of example of an amazing woman. We are best friends, loving parents together. Our family is lovely. But he does not want me. And I am so lonely. And I feel so rejected and hurt. I am so ashamed of myself for being overweight and obviously repulsing him on some level perhaps he doesnt even realise. He swears blind he is extremely attracted to me but night after night and day after day I am naked, or scantily clothed, and touching him, and he just puts his arms around me and goes to sleep. He says I am so comfortable he cant help it. You can imagine how mortifying that is.

To be fair though this started before I gained the weight. In fact I only gained the weight when I had DS who is almost 3.

What do I do? I truly cant divorce him. I would be lost without him on many levels and it would ruin our DS's life, and his, and probably mine too. I know it would be foolish. But what can I do? I have been begging him for almost a decade to help me, to try to feel something or act on what he feels, or get help from a doctor or therapist or whatever but he just carries on.

I have now realised that he will never change. He just wont. So I just dont know where that leaves me. I am heartbroken to be so unwanted and unworthy of his attention. I am humiliated. And afraid. I thought tonight, madly, that I would post on dating sites, purely to see if every man reacted to me like this or if other men would want me. But then I just burned with the agony of it all and couldnt face it.

Please help me.

I should say. I am not pathetically waiting for his attention all the time. I have a life, I like myself, I have great things in my life. But it is galling and painful to not be wanted hardly ever by your husband. And every time he wants me he has me. Because I just get so stupidly overwhelmed by it.

Well, he clearly doesn't love you if he is so indifferent to your ongoing distress. It sounds like he feels the relationship you have suits him just fine, and that he can simply tune out your complaints, or maybe promise to change every now and again to shut you up for a while.
He sounds pretty selfish.

Given that you have asked him repeatedly to change his behaviour or at least try to reach a compromise with you and he has not done so, I honestly think you are fully entitled to tell him that, as he clearly has no interest in meeting your sexual needs, you are going to seek sex elsewhere. This may turn into the right solution for you and him - you get your sexual needs met but there is no need to break up your family: he continues to get his other needs met (presumably for domestic servicing, childcare and outsiders' approval of his 'happy' marriage).
You may also end up falling in love with someone you initially meet for sex and therefore ending your relationship. If this happens, it will be your DH's fault as well, because you have given him so many opportunities to work on the relationship and he has not done so.
People who won't have sex with a partner when the lack of sex is making the partner miserable lose the right to sexual exclusivity IMO.

Hi

You sound like me a few years ago. I used to do the same as you, cry, beg, argue etc, and it made no difference. My husband, very occasionally, in the heat of a row would mention my weight, he also used to say "encouraging" stuff about me losing weight too.

Then, 18 months ago I decided to lose the weight for myself, nothingto do with anyoneelse, and our sex life has totally changed. He fancies me, touches me, initiates it far more. He would have denied till he was blue in the face that my weight was nothing to do with it, but it was.

And the PC brigade can get on their high horses all they like about "he should still fancy you even though you have put weigh on" but at the end of the day if HE put on however many stones, would YOU still fancy him??

I am NOT telling you to lose weight for him...the weight loss is a decision only you can make. But what I will tell you is that crying, begging, pleading, threatening to leave him won't work. Have you had any counselling? Would he go to Relate with you?

I wouldn't swop the improvement in my life now for anything...not anything at all. But you have to want to do it for yourself, not for anyone else.

Good luck

I was wondering what you would think SG. Am a regular but NC. I am really just so humiliated. He swears constantly how much he loves me, he is very romantic, he does wonderful surprises & things for me. He cries when I cry over this. I said a couple of weeks ago I was considering going elsewhere - hence 2 times sex recently. If I hadnt broken down like that I doubt those two times would have happened very much.

OP - I feel very sorry for you but I have no answers I'm afraid. I take it you've talked over the years but didn't resolve anything.

Solid, I think some of your comments are a bit strong. The op and her partner seem very happy in other aspects of the relationship. Op says he loves her etc. Not wanting sex with someone doesn't necessarily mean you don't love them I'm sure. (Sorry Solid I usually applaud your posts).

I am losing weight. But as I said this started within about a year and a half of being married when I was slim as anything. I have always been curvy with big breasts & hips. I couldnt help putting this weight on I had a medical condition but dont want to say as I dont want to out myself here. I want to lose it for myself but I hate him sometimes, and I wonder if I will hate him more if he suddenly wants to fuck a slim me.

Well, I wondered that too with my husband. But you know, I don't. He has always loved me, and I have always known that. But he hasn't always fancied me, and that's the truth.

Look, no matter how 'romantic' a partner may be, no matter how much s/he says the right things, if s/he consistently doesn't do what you want him/her to do, despite being told how unhappy it is making you, then there is a big, big problem that needs to be addressed.

I have talked and talked. I have stopped just short of nagging most times I have tried to remain attractive and friendly and open with him. And loving. Sometimes yes I have been irate and furious and sobbing... probably an average of twice a year. And I have talked calmly as well, and suggested counselling. For him alone, and for us. I have bought sex toys, sex games, sex books, lingerie. He is mildly amused by it. And he sometimes angrily agrees to go to counselling but then doesnt actually do it. I could make it a condition for me staying with him but I have learned the hard way that making rules and conditions only serve to embitter me more. He is forced into wanting me? Not what I had in mind when I changed my whole life to marry him.

I read in a book about being a good lover... no matter how good you are at "the deed" if you arent chasing your partner up a reasonable amount for sex then you are a shit lover because that is part of the package. And it struck a bell with me.

I just dont know what to do. He is always motivated by jealousy and I feel so sick of the whole thing. I know he will go mental if I were with anyone else. He seems ok with just letting it be as it is and convienently not seeing how painful this is until I force it in his face, not willingly but just because i cant hold it back any longer and end up crying like tonight.

I was in a relationship like this once. He turned out not to have a particularly high libido. All his energies went into his work (he was an artist) it was humiliating and I ended up having affairs just to prove I was desirable. Am not suggesting this for one minute, in fact it was a very self-destructive thing to do but I do empathize. Do you think it could be his libido?
Whatever, it is very distressing to feel rejected on such a level, I was also with someone who used to withhold sex/ affection as a form of control.
I hope you get some help with this, it sounds awful

he seems to not have a high libido at all. And he is very consumed with his job, and all the other aspects of our life together. He doesnt seem to feel the urge to be with me intimately. He doesnt seem to have those feelings but once in a blue moon.

Has he offered you any explanations about why he doesn't want sex? Have you asked him outright why?
I am just querying these things before someone jumps in with the old 'people with low libidos shouldn't be forced or blackmailed or bullied into having sex that they don't want to have' - I do agree that no one should feel obliged to have sex against his/her wishes, but witholding sex endlessly despite a partner's clear and clearly-expressed unhappiness and just fobbing the partner off with vague promises is not ethical behaviour either.

I have asked him why. He says he doesnt know. He says it just doesnt occur to him. He says he is too stressed. But that even when things are going smoothly. He says he forgets. He says any number of things. He just seems... uninterested. He said once he would "try harder". I will never forget that pain like being stabbed that he had to put effort into wanting me. And I was 23 at the time.

Sounds miserable, fromheretowhere. I feel for you. I'm with solid on this. It's what your DH is doing that matters more than what he's saying, and what he is doing is rejecting you on a sexual level. Rejection is soul-destroying to live with, especially for such a long period of time. I too think you are well within your rights to calmly set out to him what it is that you need (to feel desired and enjoyed sexually), and that if he can't meet this need, the options are for him to explore why not and you both to work on this, for you to end the relationship or for you to seek the meeting of this need outside of the relationship - and see where the discussion leads. You can't go on like this. Best of luck.

this is always so painful at night and then the next day I let it go and shrug it off and forgive in the name of family harmony. I know tomorrow I will feel stupid for crying tonight. And I hate this routine of it.

I know someone who has had several relationships like yours (no kids though and no marriages) but three, four men in a row, long term relationships have ended up like this. They can't keep their hands off her at the start, then after a year it all stops and she goes crazy. What seems to be a common factor in all of them is that the men place her on a pedestal - they worship her as some sort of perfect vision of womanhood and somehow that stops them wanting to fuck her. She hasn't done what you did (as far as I know) but withdraws herself and waits for them to come to her. They don't.

I don't know whether she unwittingly chooses men like this or she somehow makes them like it but the pedestal thing is definitely a factor in what happens. That they love her is never in question and she is very very attractive. It just seems like some men , when they get themselves nicely ensconced in a committed relationship, think that they don't have to bother with all that sex business any more.

I'm sorry - there's no advice there but your story rang a bell and I wondered whether there might be something similar going on in your relationship.

thank you

I am sitting here til I know I am tired enough to fall asleep in bed. Another sleepless night. Please keep talking to me if you can.

Oh dear, fromheretowhere.

Interesting post from mrsboogie. I've had a little online nose to see if I could find anything 'official' on this kind of idolisation-and-low-libido pattern but no joy tonight - but it was only a quick look.

You say that, come the light of day, you play down your nighttime upset - and so the pattern continues. Could you help validate your feelings about this by going to see a counsellor on your own and discussing it with them? It could not only give you an outlet to explore what's going on and possibly come up with solutions, but also make this genuinely distressing dynamic between you and DH seem more real and worthy of intervention. If you play it down after each time it has come to a head, it isn't going to get resolved.

I hope you get some sleep soon, and that you and DH can resolve this.

thanks again.

He does truly idolise me. He adores me. And I feel so alone much of the time. He talks about how perfect I am constantly. And also, as an aside to that, I really love him so much. I do. He infuriates me and sometimes I dont respect him for some of these things and how they have carried on but I love him.

I play it down because I am shit at maintaining anger. And I dont want to be miserable, or make my DS miserable or DH. So I just try and try but usually just accept this is my life and try not to feel too hurt over it. But then a night like tonight where I just think... another man would love me right now and want me for something other than a soft person to cuddle and sleep with. And then I think... well, who says? yes 5 years ago but now? Maybe I am just not attractive anymore. And then the tears come as I think of him loving me like a sister but not liking my body etc.

I may get counselling on my own. I dont know how to do it as I dont drive and live in a small village & no childcare. But I would like to if I could work out a way of doing it.

I wish we could resolve this too but something in me has died with the whole thing.

I am exhausted and been ill with migraine the last few days. I really wanted a good nights sleep tonight but must admit I wanted to have sex with him first. He seems to sometimes laugh & make a joke out of it when I get flirty and I just feel humiliated to continue. So I left the bed. Anyway I am going to pay for this tomorrow another day of feeling tired and worried while sorting everything out. Guess I will go to sleep now. Thanks very much for talking to me. If you think of anything else that might help me... please post it and talk to me. I will check back tomorrow. Thank you.

well perhaps that's the crux of it - either he idolises you so much he cannot have sex with you or he waxes on and on about how wonderful you are in order to make up for the fact that he can't or won't do it.

Its not about your weight - you know that. It's him. His problem. Don't say something has died - its not dead only withered and hidden because you are so unhappy - it can come back, whether with him or another man.

Counselling is definitely an option for you - we are only internet strangers |(no matter how well intentioned) and you need a proper trained person to talk to in order to find out what the problem is here.

If he loves you that much he will assist you or go with you to some type of therapy. Either that or all his protestations of love are a smoke screen to keep you quiet and not rock the boat.

If its difficult to raise the issue in the cold light of day why not write him a letter and explain how it hurts you to feel undesired. If he loves you he will want to address the issue.

Is there any possibility that your DH might be gay?

You say you married at 21, which is fairly young. Is he the same age? Did he have much sexual experience before you two met? Could it be that he's struggling with his sexuality, doesn't want to hurt you but knows deep down that he is gay?

I'm probably way off course and clutching at straws, but it's something that occurred to me as I read your post.

it really sounds like it's nothing to do with how essentially attractive or desirable you are... he probably does have feelings of sexual attraction for you but has gotten into a habit of not acting upon them. if you do this for long enough, your sexual energy is gradually eroded until it seems like an insurmountable mountain.

i'm sure he would like to have the kind of sex with you where it's easy and fun. no pressure or expectation. but that seems almost impossible now that it's become such an issue, isn't it?

you probably both want the same thing. instead of wasting time going round and round in circles, just bite the bullet and arrange some couples counselling. it's not important that he never gets round to arranging it. he's embarrassed and ashamed and feels like he's not much of a man. he knows that's how you feel and doesn't want to hear it. it also probably doesn't make him feel horny, knowing that he's failing you.

if you want to stay together, the only way out of this is to stop the endless cycle of behaviour and get some proper help.

trying to sort this out between yourselves isn't working so, fuck it, make an appointment tomorrow.

RSB the Gay thing occured to me strongly too. Knew a couple who married very young, had 2 DCs, seemed the ideal couple. His whole life revolved around her, he called her his princess. Then she had a breakdown and the next thing he is living with a man, has totally changed his clothes and appearance and she is much better and happy. They have not divorced, still run a business together so see each other regularly, spend time together with their children, he does the garden, he brings her flowers.

OP's posts just brought this couple to mind.