what do you do when you just know your husband doesnt fancy you or want sex, and hasnt for years, my heart is broken

[fromheretowhere]

DH and I married when I was 21. I am 30 now. The first year he was keen on sex but then it just seemed to stop. Gradually I came to realise he never made a move towards me. That I would extend invitations in whatever way that he either pretended not to notice or just didnt take up. This has caused so much pain and hurt in me.

When we have sex - averaging about 3 times a year - it is very very good. He has no health problems. He admitted he was depressed years ago and blamed his lack of lust on that, but no matter what has changed as the years have gone by this has remained.

I have cried, wept, begged, been angry, threatened divorce, given ultimatums, you name it I have been there over the last 9 years. I have been humiliated and shaking with pain and embarrassment and devastation and shock. I have cried at looking at myself in the mirror and cringed when thinking about how I look. I was gorgeous. Really gorgeous when I was younger. And I have gained weight - I am quite tall but 18 stone. I look after myself very well, put a lot of effort into how I look, dress well for my body, and am losing weight slowly anyway. I sometimes think I am still beautiful and desirable but then I do something to make a move on him and he just cuddles me and goes to sleep and I am lying in bed crying again. This has just happened and I have got out of bed as I cant stand humiliating myself by crying in front of him again.

We have had sex twice in a couple of weeks and both times at his initiation which is something of a record. But I believe it is just because a couple of weeks ago I had another one of my meltdowns over it and said I had to leave, that I couldnt face this rejection and pain every day anymore if he did nothing to help it.

He loves me very very much. He adores me, he sets me up as some kind of example of an amazing woman. We are best friends, loving parents together. Our family is lovely. But he does not want me. And I am so lonely. And I feel so rejected and hurt. I am so ashamed of myself for being overweight and obviously repulsing him on some level perhaps he doesnt even realise. He swears blind he is extremely attracted to me but night after night and day after day I am naked, or scantily clothed, and touching him, and he just puts his arms around me and goes to sleep. He says I am so comfortable he cant help it. You can imagine how mortifying that is.

To be fair though this started before I gained the weight. In fact I only gained the weight when I had DS who is almost 3.

What do I do? I truly cant divorce him. I would be lost without him on many levels and it would ruin our DS's life, and his, and probably mine too. I know it would be foolish. But what can I do? I have been begging him for almost a decade to help me, to try to feel something or act on what he feels, or get help from a doctor or therapist or whatever but he just carries on.

I have now realised that he will never change. He just wont. So I just dont know where that leaves me. I am heartbroken to be so unwanted and unworthy of his attention. I am humiliated. And afraid. I thought tonight, madly, that I would post on dating sites, purely to see if every man reacted to me like this or if other men would want me. But then I just burned with the agony of it all and couldnt face it.

Please help me.

well I just phoned relate to book us in. She had to take a payment over the phone to book it - which I was surprised at because I thought with relate you paid what you could afford at the session. I asked her how much we had to pay and she said £47 each session. I thought it was a charity or something? We dont have enough money for that so I said I wouldnt be able to book the appointment and got off the phone. Now feel a bit shit and tearful.

From here - you need to negotiate on the price. I was quoted £55 per session and said that was too high. I got it down to £35. They are used to this I believe.

I too had an emotional affair, with someone who made me feel crap in the end, but I know what you mean about needing the reassurance of being sexy. I LOVE flirting and I love sex. Yes, I am overweight but I still get men looking at me and it upsets me that my h doesn't see me that way. He says he loves me but doesn't fancy my body.

The thing is, when I was slim, he only ever seemed to fancy sex about once a month and made me feel like a sex maniac if I suggested we do it twice in one weekend. It does hurt and I don't blame you for needing reassurance. I mentioned to mine that I would like to have sex with someone else if he didn't want me and he said that was fine as long as he could. Maybe I should lose the weight, have my once a month thing with him and then I would have an excuse to have a FBuddy. At the moment, he has a reason to blame me for the lack of sex.

it should be a sliding scale based on your income. they should show you the scale after your first session, you agree on a price and pay for it.

they do try to get the maximum out of you though...

call back and explain you can't afford that amount. this is too important to let go.

DH and I put on a lot of weight in our marriage. DH still adores me, passionately desires me and finds me attractive.

All the posters saying "Well fair enough that he doesn't want sex with you, cos you got fat." are missing the point. Even if she lost all the weight and the sex returned, one day both of them are going to be saggy and wrinkled, then what? You can't go on an age-backwards diet. (BTW OP, I know you're 15 stone, not 18 )

I love and desire my DH for who he is, not just for his good looks. That's how I know we're forever [soppy emoticon]

Your supposed to be able to pay what you cab afford with Relate. Me and DP paid £5 a session. Ring that woman back and tell her this.

I found a private counsellor through here who I felt really good to speaking on the phone. She charges £10 less than Relate and is happy to meet fortnightly so we may be able to afford that... I dont know I will have to speak to DH about it tonight, I am sure it wont be a problem. Anyway I booked us in for an initial (free) appointment anyway. More than you get with Relate!

(thanks dizietsma for reassuring me you know my weight I actually lost sleep over that as well last night!) I lay in bed and suddenly my semi-photographic memory popped up and I thought "I said I was 18 stone" nevermind its anonymous I struggle enough with my image without making it even worse!

I dont want an affair. I want him. I know I am in love with him. Pity it isnt more mutual.

The thing is... I know the low libido is a fair thing to consider. But it still hurts. I feel he should feel inspired by looking at me and touching me. The fact that he doesnt really just says I havent got the effect on him I wish for, and that sadly I have had on many other men in the past, in my single days. I think that is partly why its so painful as well... just another aspect. The year we met and got together 2 other men proposed to me... I felt so utterly confident and happy and serene wrt my sexuality. And I was in love with DH. And chose him. And so quickly it was over. I know he loves me more steadfastly than previous boyfriends would have... but I daresay they would have ended up wanting me more.

My daughter just got out of a similar marriage, she is young and beautiful and absolutely adored her husband, Bent over backwards to please him and was forever pussy footing around him. I went to stay with them 2 Xmas's ago (they live abroad) and I clocked it straight away. He was distant and if there was any affection (just even a kiss) she would have to initiate it. I know they had problems as she hinted to me. Then it went into a steep decline. She went on a big weight loss thing (she wasn't even fat to begin with) but thought it was that, kept changing her hairstyle etc, was frustrated and unsettled. Then she spilled the beans to me about how he never wanted sex with her. She cried so many tears of rejection and misery I couldn't bear it, for months on the phone she'd pour out to me. All I can say that what he was doing was downright 'cruel'.

It is cruel. No other word for it. He wouldn't go to councelling either, everytime she threatened to leave he'd break down and 'give her a bit' but it would always slip back.

As a mother I said what Solidgold said.

She is out of that marriage now, there were no children fortunately as she could smell doom and gloom and held off (plus they rarely did it). I am sad she had to go thru that demoralizing, frustrating and self esteem knocking experience. I am glad she is out of it. She has got her feeling of worth back, she was very poorly mentally for a good while after. My heart was breaking for her.

No one should have to suffer that. Love is love and it nneds to express itself in a physical way. If it doesn't, then someone starts to blame themself for no real reason at all. That is his baggage (whatever it is) and it's not fair he won't go and get some therapy or whatever. He's dumping the baggage on you and making you carry it.

Tall and 15 stone is not the reason.

I personally think my daughters ex never loved her. He thought he did. Someone who loves you would not deny you a basic human physical need.

I work as a carer. I see couples who are both in wheel chairs, physically handicapped and maimed, where sexual fun/lovemaking for them is a real feat, but they still do it and realise the need in their partner. Maimed, distorted, confined to wheelchairs, they still satiate themselves together. So I agree with solidgold... sorry. It's not fair and he has no excuse. To me that is not LOVE. It's complacent convenienece.

kally- didn't know you had a daughter that old! Sorry she went through all of that.

I think it is likely that the OP's DH does love her- but not in a sexual way. What would be interesting to know, is if he had this issue with previous relationships? Marrying at 21 is very young.

There seem to be 3 possible reasons for his behaviour:

He is gay but in the closet
He has a very low libido
He simply doesn't fancy his DW any more.
He has some medical condition which means he is impotent or nearly so and he won't admit it.
He has some deeper sexual hang=ups which mean that after the intial honeymoon phase, he cools right off.

I think you shouldn't blame him altogether- he may want to stay for his DC, he may know deep down that nothing will change and therefore he is hanging-on as he is afraid of being alone, he may hope his feelings will come back.

But what he MUST do is seek help in the form of counselling, so he communicate his feelings to his DW.

OP- I think you are brave to make the appt, for counselling and hope it helps, but I also think you should give him an ultimatum- that he will either come with you, maybe after you have been alone for a few sessions, or that he finds a sexual counsellor himself. If he is not willing to take steps to discover what is behind his behaviour, or try to make it any different, then I think you have to leave him, or ask him to leave.

I am his first serious relationship.

He will come with me to the counselling. I always knew he would but I wanted him to arrange it and seek it out. I wanted him to take it seriously and have some contribution to making things right between us. So the ultimatums I have given in the past have been about him arranging counselling which hasnt happened. So I have done it, and I know he will come with me. He just wouldnt do it himself. It is very isolating being the mover and shaker in the relationship. If left to him I dread to think where we would be.

He just got home from work and greeted me very lovingly and I do love him. I know he loves me. I think he senses I was upset last night and is trying to be extra affectionate today. Tis so eternally confusing.

Kally I am sorry your daughter went through all of that. It sounds horrible. Some of it does ring a bell. The amount of times I notice he doesnt hold hands or kiss me or whatever if we are out or with friends. It is so confusing, I know he loves me.

he obviously has a fear of intimacy.

I am not condeming this bloke for havintg a low libido. I am condemning him for his selfish indifference to his partner's anguish. That's not the sort of love anyone needs in their life. What people often forget when they rave about the importance of love is that it has to be mutual to be beneficial, and idealising someone but completely ignoring what they say, what they want, and what's important to them is acutally fairly shitty behavior.
He's either utterly lazy and thinks that he can just tune out Fromhere's distress (perhaps in the way that some lazy, selfish men tune out their DW's distress about the fact that the DW does all the domestic work - because all women moan, don't they, and you just have to learn how to say the right thing every now and again to shut them up) or he's actually quite manipulative ie he is getting something out of her tears and her pleadings. Maybe it feeds his ego to have her beg for sex just so he can reject her.
Fromhere, glad you have found a therapist to see. Your DH is probably going to refuse to go with you, so go on your own! Don't let it drag on for another 10 years. Best of luck.

Oh hell! I am going to have to sit down as I feel faint - I find myself agreeing with Solid again! Twice in one day!

Seriously, If your husband is willing to stand by and see you distraught because of his continual rejection of you, I do not understand how he, or you, can claim that he loves you. As Solid said, it is not the fact that he may or may not, have a low libido, it is the fact that he refuses to do anything about it and continues to allow you to be heartbroken. If it is s genuine low libido, there may be a physical cause which can be treated. sadly, the fact that he manages it when you threaten to leave, indicates to me that he is just being very cruel to you. He makes you feel humiliated, embarassed, shocked, devastated and heartbroken. So exactly when does he make you feel loved?

I agree with the last two posters.

This seems to me like passive-agressive behaviour

n

oops, hit the wrong button- doh!
fromheretowhere - I really know where you're coming from, and I wish I had the answer, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
DH and I were in the same situation for most of our marriage, things still aren't perfect now, sex can be as frequent as weekly or as infrequent as monthly but much improved on the issue of months passing between times we "succumbed". Ironically, when it did happen, it was wonderful and DH admitted that he wondered why he didn't feel inclined to do it more often, which frustrated me even further.
I totally understand the humiliation you must feel when you beg for sex, and the pain and bewilderment of rejection.
I know my DH loves me, affection is strong between us and we're the best of friends so it was always a puzzle why sex was an issue.
I've also battled with my weight and since losing a lot of it and gaining a lot of confidence, DH seems to have become more interested. But it's not just about that.
DH is, by nature, a not very 'dynamic' man, he works shifts which exhaust him, he reacts to stressful situations by withdrawing so I think that has a great impact on his libido. When his energy and positivity increases so does his sex drive. I've just decided to come to terms with that and choose to make the most of the 'good' times. I also urge him to talk to me about his feelings to reassure me, something along the lines of "I'm sorry that I'm too knackered to shag you, but I plan to give you a good seeing to once I've had some rest". Previously he wouldn't even do that which left me doubting whether he ever had feelings for me at all.
No, it's not ideal, but the sex is so fab when it does happen, it's worth waiting for. Also, I don't really know why things have got better between us apart from the fact that he is happier in his job and works less hours. And, yes, there is no doubt my weight loss plays a part, although we've had good times and bad times when I've been much bigger.
External issues and circumstances can have a surprising impact on some people, some react by immersing themselves in distractions, sex being one of them. Other, more emotional creatures like my DH can't detach so easily and the effect is a waning of their desire.
I really wish I had an answer for you. It's plain that you love this man, and I'm sure he loves you too. I've asked all the same questions of myself and him.
With such a deeply personal issue it's almost impossible not to take it personally, but it really may not be about you but about him.
I so wish you luck in tackling this issue and hope you can find some kind of compromise.

What if it's not active selfish indifference of any kind of anguish, but him just expressing who he is. FHTN is feeling anquich for having to be in a situation where she feels she can't fully express herself, simply swapping those roles so he is the one in anquish isn't the solution surely? I really think he might not have any 'problem' but that the problem is between them both and its about fundamental compatibilty of personalities.

good post FYP.

it's important to remember that men and women aren't so different.

which is not to say you should ignore a sexless situation, but it's important our advise for men and women who lose their sex drives are the same. there are plenty of threads about women who after becoming parents/wives etc, have no desire to have sex with their partners. we can relate to their situation so generally offer supportive advise. when the roles are reversed, everybody gets their knickers in a twist and starts talking about shagging other people. i'm pretty sure there's a middle ground.

I think there is a double standard when the woman wants sex, is begging for it and the man declines. He's selfish, unheeding to her needs, etc etc.

But there is another thread on this forum about women being disinterested in sex and their dh's are pleading, or politely ignoring the issue, and that's dealt with in a totally different way. The man has to be understanding, patient, etc.

I cannot imagine a man with a high sex drive who was being denied sex by his wife being advised to seek sex elsewhere, the way th OP has been advised by some posters!

MrsM- true!

I also think that many people do not want no-strings sex- they want sex with the person they are married to, or at least have an emotional bond with.

In this case, itis not as if the DH has said he is never going to have sex with his wife again, in which case it would be an easier decision for her, whether to leave him or seek sex elsewhere ( not that she wants to ) the problem is he is burying his head in the sand about an important issue and won't behave responsibly by seeking help to discuss it.

I think the difference also is the OP is saying 'her heart is broken' and she feels so sad.

When Men are denied sex, their feelings don't seem to matter, but they must feel that lack of closeness and worry that their partner does not find them attractive anymore. Its not all wham, bam thankyou mam.

OP Iknow how you feel

Dh says he loves me fancies me BUT has`nt been near me since our dd was concieved 7 years ago
Well 3 times in 7 years
The last time was 2 years ago

I have cried screamed threatened to leave I have tried everything.He blames his weight he feels unattractive I have said it does`nt matter to me I love him
He joined a gym lost weight and seemed alot happier in himslef BUT still no sex

He won`t get help in fact when I start asking about it tring to get him to talk He just looks at me

We are going away soon and I am thinking that away from the dc and normallity he might BUt then I panic I feel so panicky I feel I will forget what to do .In fact i feel in such a state on the off chance he might want to.That I think I may just jump to the ceiling

My confidence is gone

"When Men are denied sex, their feelings don't seem to matter"

eh? Says who? Not the men!

oops, wrong end of the stick Maidames - itchy trigger finger here. Will go take some diazepam!

I certainly don't treat women and men differently over this issue unless the other circumstances are different. In a lot of cases of female low libido, the reasons are obvious: by being totally unhelpful round the house the man has turned sex into another chore for his DW: no wonder she doesn't want to do it. Men are also more likely to be sexually selfish (ie their technique is lousy but they won't take any notice of even the most constructive and tactful criticism), which is equally offputting.
However, whateve the relevant genders, if one partner thinks his/her low libido is 'just the way I am' or even a sign of being a higher, purer, better person (above all that grubby base sex stuff) and will not discuss it, seek help or consider any kind of compromise, then they lose the right to sexual exclusivity, end of. IN fact, sexual ownership isn't a 'right' anyway, it's an agreement, which includes an understanding that there will be some sexual activity in the relationship: breach that and hte agreement is no longer valid.

But I presume you mean the lack of sexual exclusivity would come after the divorce?