what do you do when you just know your husband doesnt fancy you or want sex, and hasnt for years, my heart is broken

[fromheretowhere]

DH and I married when I was 21. I am 30 now. The first year he was keen on sex but then it just seemed to stop. Gradually I came to realise he never made a move towards me. That I would extend invitations in whatever way that he either pretended not to notice or just didnt take up. This has caused so much pain and hurt in me.

When we have sex - averaging about 3 times a year - it is very very good. He has no health problems. He admitted he was depressed years ago and blamed his lack of lust on that, but no matter what has changed as the years have gone by this has remained.

I have cried, wept, begged, been angry, threatened divorce, given ultimatums, you name it I have been there over the last 9 years. I have been humiliated and shaking with pain and embarrassment and devastation and shock. I have cried at looking at myself in the mirror and cringed when thinking about how I look. I was gorgeous. Really gorgeous when I was younger. And I have gained weight - I am quite tall but 18 stone. I look after myself very well, put a lot of effort into how I look, dress well for my body, and am losing weight slowly anyway. I sometimes think I am still beautiful and desirable but then I do something to make a move on him and he just cuddles me and goes to sleep and I am lying in bed crying again. This has just happened and I have got out of bed as I cant stand humiliating myself by crying in front of him again.

We have had sex twice in a couple of weeks and both times at his initiation which is something of a record. But I believe it is just because a couple of weeks ago I had another one of my meltdowns over it and said I had to leave, that I couldnt face this rejection and pain every day anymore if he did nothing to help it.

He loves me very very much. He adores me, he sets me up as some kind of example of an amazing woman. We are best friends, loving parents together. Our family is lovely. But he does not want me. And I am so lonely. And I feel so rejected and hurt. I am so ashamed of myself for being overweight and obviously repulsing him on some level perhaps he doesnt even realise. He swears blind he is extremely attracted to me but night after night and day after day I am naked, or scantily clothed, and touching him, and he just puts his arms around me and goes to sleep. He says I am so comfortable he cant help it. You can imagine how mortifying that is.

To be fair though this started before I gained the weight. In fact I only gained the weight when I had DS who is almost 3.

What do I do? I truly cant divorce him. I would be lost without him on many levels and it would ruin our DS's life, and his, and probably mine too. I know it would be foolish. But what can I do? I have been begging him for almost a decade to help me, to try to feel something or act on what he feels, or get help from a doctor or therapist or whatever but he just carries on.

I have now realised that he will never change. He just wont. So I just dont know where that leaves me. I am heartbroken to be so unwanted and unworthy of his attention. I am humiliated. And afraid. I thought tonight, madly, that I would post on dating sites, purely to see if every man reacted to me like this or if other men would want me. But then I just burned with the agony of it all and couldnt face it.

Please help me.

Mrsmaidamess: Not necessarily. Sometimes the partner with the activie libido seeking sex outside the relationship can actually fix the problem, and the primary couple can live happily as co-parents. It's a bit more likely that the partner who wants sex will 'fall in love' with someone else and the original relationship will end, but TBH when the situation exists (one partner is refusing sex and making no effort at all to address the other partner's needs) the relationship is doomed anyway.

it's not usually so cut and dry though is it? the person who doesn't want sex is often attracted to their partner and is upset at the situation generally but finds it hard to speak about it as it's embarrassing and shameful.

you marry a person, not a penis so i think taking some of the pressure off and seeking help is a better approach.

BLinks: I am talking about situations where the low-libido partner won't seek help or make any effort to change the situation.

I think Blinks, you got it spot-on. Thing is it really isn't that simple at all.
I didn't want DH to "address my needs", I wanted HIM to WANT ME. And that's an issue I had no power over whatsoever. Frankly, if I'd had even an inkling that DH was 'obliging' me (and given the otherwise close nature of our relationship I reckon I'd tell instantly), then I'd put the brakes on right away. It was about the sharing, not the "scratching of an itch" or my "rights" within the relationship.
Sadly, something went awry between the feelings and the mechanics, the feelings were there but something obstructed them into being translated sexually. In our case, stress. It wasn't even something as straightforward as impotence - that would have been, to me, more acceptable.
It does disturb me that so much emphasis here is on his obligations to her, it sounds like he's not withholding on purpose, he's just stuck. And for men that struggle with letting themselves go sexually, it must take extraordinary courage to speak to someone else about these issues, so no wonder so many are reticent to seek help.

I'm in a similar situation to you, in a good marriage, but hubby never wants sex. Think carefully about what you've got when you are feeling down. Someone once told me that sex is 10% of a good relationship but 90% of a bad one - sometimes we can focus too much on the bit of our relationship that is missing rather than what we have got in our partner. Yes, other people have fantastic sex lives and are at it every minute of the day, but there are an awful lot of lonely people, desperate for a relationship as good as you've got, or who have been trying to get pregnant for years and just can't get their precious baby. This isn't about settling for second best, but appreciating what you've got and realising how lucky you are. Hope this helps.

FYP: Sorry, but I still don't think it acceptable for one partner to carry on ignoring the other partner's unhappiness and doing nothing to address the problem. The OP's H won;t go to counselling, won't make an effort, won't discuss the situation with her - why should she indulge his selfishness indefinitely? OK so he may be depressed and scared and all the rest of it, that still doesn't mean that only his feelings matter and his partner must just suck it up.

It does sadden me to hear people's hurt and desperation around this very private subject. I don't know what help people can offer to those on the outside of this situation but I am confident in saying that the fault is not with you. If someone doesn't want to have a full and committed relationship with in the sense of a marriage/partnership it is not because you are size 18 or going grey or have stretch marks or haven't shaved your legs.

I am 36 a size 8 and I think not a bad looking lady for an old duffer (okay no Cindy Crawford but no Peggy Butcher either!.

I share the same secret as most of the posters my husband is not interested in me sexually.

I have not had sex with my husband since September and before that it was erratic to say the least. I too have felt extremely unhappy and extremely rejected. When ever I broach the subject he says he is tired. He says he is stressed. He says he has lost his sex drive. . We have been together for nearly 10 years but our relationship is now that of two people who live in the same house and look after (and deeply love) our children.

He is extremely affectionate with the children but with me he doesn't kiss me or cuddle me. He often tells me to physically move away from him as he feels I encroach his space. I know he loves me based on the notion he is married to me if that makes sense but I don't think he is in love with me.

I often think if we didn't have children would we still be together because in reality when they go to bed we both shut down and there is just an empty space between us. We often don't even sleep in the same rooms.

I am not expecting swinging from the chandeliers but affection would be a start. He often asks the children for cuddles because he wants a hug and when I offer he says "no" I have never felt so hurt or alone.

I now pathetically resort to reading romantic novels or romantic films just to try and recreate a little of that feeling and rush of being wanted of being loved. He doesn't understand.

I am scared that my husband and I use our children for that physical connection of being cuddled and adored. I am scared for the day when my children grow up. I am scared about how depressed and lonely I really feel. I am scared of facing up to it..

Agree.

No one should be that unhappy in a relationship without the other person caring, showing empathy and trying to help with the problem - especially when the source of that problem is the other person in the partnership. It is not fair. He should be ashamed of himself for standing back and allowing his partner to feel so bad. Not saying he is a bad person, but there is no excuse for his lack of action.

If my DH was as sad and unhappy as the OP I'd be devastated. And I'd be ten times more devastated if that unhappiness was down to me.

I really hope that the counselling works for you and am glad he is going even if it has been initiated by you.

tummytuck you are not alone
There is thread going on in dadsnet about the same thing

Its shit feeling like this totally agree with you on all your post DH is the same

Everyone on this thread has talked a lot about the OPs body and esteem but what about his?

When my DP puts weight on he stops wanting sex (he hates me seeing/touching his tummy) you'd never know that looking at him, he appears to be so confident but i can tell, over the last four years i've put it together - when he's training and doing well on his bike, running, going the gym he wants sex, when he feels fat and eating crap he doesn't want it.

I do sometimes think that when it's the man who is refusing any kind of intimacy, then the 'love' he claims to feel for his wife is more about convenience than anything else: he 'loves' the fact that she does the housework and the childcare and that he gets regular meals, hence the occasional token gesture he makes to ensure that normal service isn't interrupted.

I agree 100% with solidgold.

My h says he loves me but I am currently not getting any affection or sex. I think he genuinely loves my mind and the things we have in common. When he looks at me though, he sees fat me, not the face or hair or personality.

Even when I am slim, sex is only ever once a month.

'whatever the relevant genders, if one partner thinks his/her low libido is 'just the way I am' or even a sign of being a higher, purer, better person (above all that grubby base sex stuff)'

Thank you for that line, SGB. My XH fell into the latter category. He labelled me a 'nymphomaniac' because I thought, being in our mid-20s, no children, and not even married two years, that I'd like to have sex 1-2 times a week!

He had huge ishooes about sex (which I unfortunately didn't discover until after marriage). He finally said it 'didn't do much for him' and he could happily go months/years without it. His only LTR before me ended because he refused to have sex. He's not religious, but just seems to see sex as something immature/unnecessary. He'd make all kinds of derogatory comments about men who just chased after women (particularly teenagers) and say he 'respected' women more than that. Frankly, I'd have liked to have been 'respected' a little less and shagged a little more!

At one point he said to me in an argument 'why don't you just go out and get it elsewhere?' So I was just putting a few feelers out, and then he changed his mind and said he didn't want me to do that. Well too fucking late. I had an affair (miserable and depressing), we ended up in Relate, nothing really changed, went to sex therapy, and eventually divorced.

I think, male or female, one partner can't unilaterally declare an end to the other's sex life and then expect them to stay faithful.

SGB, if you're not already a reader/listener, I think you'd very much enjoy the Savage Love sex advice column/podcast. You've got some very similar views to the writer, ones I happen to agree with.

I do sometimes think that when it's the man who is refusing any kind of intimacy, then the 'love' he claims to feel for his wife is more about convenience than anything else: he 'loves' the fact that she does the housework and the childcare and that he gets regular meals, hence the occasional token gesture he makes to ensure that normal service isn't interrupted.

SAG- I just don't recognise this man at all...

all your posts seem to include thoughts about men needing women to service their lives (in all ways) and you do seem utterly cynical about men/women relationships.

All the men I have known have been professional men who lived on their own for years before committing to anyone- and were quite capable to do their own washing, shopping, cooking, housework (or NOT do any as was more usual), and not want a woman to act as a maid.

They certainly would not have stayed with, or got married for that reason.

it's the equivalent of saying that women marry to get a roof over their heads - a bit Victorian.

op please let us know how you get on.
Sadly, you may both just be sexually incompatible, which does happen and is no-one's fault- vertainly not yours.

Whilst i don't generally agree with Solid's ideas about 'coupledom' and sexual exclusivity etc, I really do think that, knowing how the OP feels about this and still refusing to take any positive action to deal with it, is wrong on the part of the OP's husband. I am not saying he has to do the 'swinging from the chandelier' stuff 39 times a week, not even once a week, but he should respect her feelings of devastaion by at least acknowledging that there is a problem, maybe as simple as a libido mismatch, maybe something equally as simple, like a low testosterone level, maybe something more complicated. But he should be taking some sort of action to address the problem, because, like it or not, it is a problem.

I have been there, for other reasons,but there was a serious lack of sex for a long time. When I decided I could not live like it anymore and talked to my DH, he told me he had felt the same, but like me, didn't know how to begin addressing the problem. We decided that we would try, together. We both wanted to as neither of us wanted to give up on our marriage. We loved each other and had never stopped loving each other, the thing was, that once we realised that we were each making the other one feel unloved in that way, we knew that loving each other meant not allowing our own actions to continue hurting the other. That is the difference between us and the Op. Our genuine love for each other, would not allow us to knowingly continue to hurt the other, whereas the OP's DH is equally as aware of his wife's hurt and yet continues, almost wilfully, to promote that feeling in her. IMO, that is wrong!

HTTM: I'm glad for you that all the men you have met have been enlightened, fair and decent human beings, and there are certainly plenty of them out there. Unfortunately, there still are plenty of men who regard women as service appliances. Because there is thousands of years worth of history of women being men's property and service appliances and, just as there are plenty of people who still believe that some races are inferior to others, a depressingly large number of people still hold the view that women are not really full human beings.
There are plenty of threads in the Relationship topic which depict men who expect to be serviced by their female partners, for example - just because you have not personally experienced a certain type of behaviour doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

I really think your apraisal of men is a bit insulting to them Solidgold. The OP's OH loves her but he doesn't fancy her - or he has a low libido and just cant be arsed. There are plenty of women out there who feel the same, love their husbands and don't look at them as 'service providers'. Just because you have experince another type of man, doesn't mean your experience is typical of most men. It might very well be otherwise. The relasionship boards are not an objective measure of what men are like.

Ballina: I do not think all men are sexist. Some men are. To say that rape happens isn't to say that all men are rapists, but some are.
I didn;t even say that the OPs DH is one of those who is throwing her a bone to keep the meals and clean laundry coming, just that some men in similar situations are motivated by wanting to hang on to their creature comforts.

SG - I agree with Ballina
I'd love to know what your life experiences are SG - as you do seem to live in a different time zone to me! I am fully aware that I have not experienced all types of behaviour .

However, just as much as there are men hanging-on in relationships to be "serviced" ( I hate that term, btw) so are many women , in some sense.

Sometimes people are not consciously cynical about what they are getting out of a relationship.

Your posts make you come across as very bitter SG- I hope life hasn't been very unkind to you to make your views appear so cyncial and tainted.

We're talking about someone, the OP, who is very miserable in her marriage, though, howto.

In her case it's vital to ask some serious questions about what she's getting out of this relationship and get some counselling for herself, however cynical that may sound.

Because what's going on now isn't working for her - she's desperately unhappy.

I think this can be one of the hardest things to make sucseed in a relationship, it is so common that one partners libido is different from the others, sometimes its a vast difference and then the problems start.

My own experience is my dp has a high sex drive and would shag me all day long if i let him, i to have a reasonable sex drive, i fantasise, i find my dp sexually attractive and have recently found myself thinking other men (i.e celebs) as attractive but i am overwieght and am not happy with my body so i don't like having sex as i am ashamed and embarrased of the way i look, i am slowley doing something about it but it doesn't happen overnight.

It took a long time for me to face up to this and before i would just withhold sex from dp which made his already lacking self esteem plummet and he felr rejected, i have now realised that for our relationship to work on all levels i must give in to desire and have sex with my do at least once a week to satisfy him while i work on my own deamons, it is not his fault i am fat and unhappy so why should he suffer?!

It is so complex though as a lot fo people don't talk about it or they just son;t have answers, i have a good friend who has no libido, she has visited councelors/doctors and simply doesn't know why she doesn't want sex, she says she enjoys it but has no urge to do it, she is divorced for that reason, she couldn't give her husband a reason why she hadn't slept with him for years so he left.

I hope you get something sorted OP, your post comes across as heart broken and very low, i think some councelling may help you at least even if your dh doesnt attend.

HTTM: I fail to see what's bitter about being aware that some people treat other people badly, and that we do not yet have full equality. Sometimes the reasons for relationship breakdown are due to basic incompatibility, sometimes it's due to one person being a bit of an arse, but sometimes it's due to lingering sexist values. Even though women's rights and women's position in society are much better than they were, and much better in the UK than in many other countries, sexism still exists.

don't have any advice unfortunatly, but you're not alone. I'm in the same boat here. He's just not interested. Your op really sounded so much like me. It's a horrible feeling.

I coped for years by convincing myself that a sex-free marriage was fine. Even posted many times on here in defence of it but it's not ok, not when it makes you feel like this.

I dunno, I think there are some men who just aren't bothered. My husband just doesn't seem to have room in his brain for bodily needs, iyswim. yours sounds the same.

I wish I could say do X and all will be well, cos this is a rather useless post really but sometimes I think it can help (well, not 'help', but you know what I mean!) to know you are not alone.

'if you don't use it you lose it'

pretty effing true.