what do you do when you just know your husband doesnt fancy you or want sex, and hasnt for years, my heart is broken

[fromheretowhere]

DH and I married when I was 21. I am 30 now. The first year he was keen on sex but then it just seemed to stop. Gradually I came to realise he never made a move towards me. That I would extend invitations in whatever way that he either pretended not to notice or just didnt take up. This has caused so much pain and hurt in me.

When we have sex - averaging about 3 times a year - it is very very good. He has no health problems. He admitted he was depressed years ago and blamed his lack of lust on that, but no matter what has changed as the years have gone by this has remained.

I have cried, wept, begged, been angry, threatened divorce, given ultimatums, you name it I have been there over the last 9 years. I have been humiliated and shaking with pain and embarrassment and devastation and shock. I have cried at looking at myself in the mirror and cringed when thinking about how I look. I was gorgeous. Really gorgeous when I was younger. And I have gained weight - I am quite tall but 18 stone. I look after myself very well, put a lot of effort into how I look, dress well for my body, and am losing weight slowly anyway. I sometimes think I am still beautiful and desirable but then I do something to make a move on him and he just cuddles me and goes to sleep and I am lying in bed crying again. This has just happened and I have got out of bed as I cant stand humiliating myself by crying in front of him again.

We have had sex twice in a couple of weeks and both times at his initiation which is something of a record. But I believe it is just because a couple of weeks ago I had another one of my meltdowns over it and said I had to leave, that I couldnt face this rejection and pain every day anymore if he did nothing to help it.

He loves me very very much. He adores me, he sets me up as some kind of example of an amazing woman. We are best friends, loving parents together. Our family is lovely. But he does not want me. And I am so lonely. And I feel so rejected and hurt. I am so ashamed of myself for being overweight and obviously repulsing him on some level perhaps he doesnt even realise. He swears blind he is extremely attracted to me but night after night and day after day I am naked, or scantily clothed, and touching him, and he just puts his arms around me and goes to sleep. He says I am so comfortable he cant help it. You can imagine how mortifying that is.

To be fair though this started before I gained the weight. In fact I only gained the weight when I had DS who is almost 3.

What do I do? I truly cant divorce him. I would be lost without him on many levels and it would ruin our DS's life, and his, and probably mine too. I know it would be foolish. But what can I do? I have been begging him for almost a decade to help me, to try to feel something or act on what he feels, or get help from a doctor or therapist or whatever but he just carries on.

I have now realised that he will never change. He just wont. So I just dont know where that leaves me. I am heartbroken to be so unwanted and unworthy of his attention. I am humiliated. And afraid. I thought tonight, madly, that I would post on dating sites, purely to see if every man reacted to me like this or if other men would want me. But then I just burned with the agony of it all and couldnt face it.

Please help me.

By expatinscotland Thu 16-Apr-09 23:18:38 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster
We're talking about someone, the OP, who is very miserable in her marriage, though, howto.

In her case it's vital to ask some serious questions about what she's getting out of this relationship and get some counselling for herself, however cynical that may sound.

Because what's going on now isn't working for her - she's desperately unhappy.

????

EXP- you obviously have not read any of my other posts here, otherwise you would see that I agree with you 100%.

sexism still exists. SG
well, according to most of your comments, it certainly does exist.

If you can't see that your posts exude bitterness, and you appear to have an enormous chip on your shoulder, whatever you comment on- then I can't point it out to you any more clearly.

anyway, this is not helping the OP so we will agree to differ on our genral outlook.

Actually HTTM it can be very helpful for a person in distress to realise that the problem is sexism (or racism, or classism, or discrimination of any kind) when they have been fretting that their sufferings are all their own fault.
Are you aware that your endless harping on about how wonderful men really are could rather suggest that your partner is in fact one of those sexist pigs who dresses it up in pseudoscience and you are desperately trying to prove to yourself that you haven't made a bad choice?

um, yesh I know you didn't say all men were sexist. You implied that HTTM's expereinces were odd or not the norm somehow, and by definition yours were, thats all.

I agree the OP is miserable in her marriage, but that isn't necessarily her DH's fault. He sounds like a lovely bloke and by her own admission loves her. He just isn't very sexy. You can't force someone to have sex with you of they don't want to - or is that what we are saying? That he should.

And what has sexism to do with this couple? Just because sexism exists (as do all other human flaws) doesn't mean this man is sexist. They are two diffrent issues.

So claoiming sexism means you can releive yourself of any resp[onsibility for the failings of your reletionship, is that it? Absolves you from any self criticism? And that's helpful? To whom exactly - not the relationship, thats for sure!

Relationships are hard and individuals have realationships so you have to judfe your relationship by the individuals in it, not by some generalising discourse. Life has a lot of fretting and suffering in it - and sometimes no one is to blame for that. It's just life.

But sometimes things are our fault, and it's good when we realise it. Or if not exactly 'our' fault, we can see how we contrubute to the problem, and therefore, the steps we can take to fix things.

I fail to see how crying 'sexist' everytime we meet a difficult challenge or are forced out of a comfort zone, can be of help to anyone. It doesn't address the underlying problems thats for sure.

SG - I have to LOL!

If you knew my DH you would lol as well at how far off the mark you are!

You are making assumptions that are way off the mark, with an idea which bears no resemblance in the slightest to my life.

This is certainly not a case of " I think she doth protest too much"- give me some credit for a tiny bit of emotional intelligence please. I think if my DH was a piggie I would have spotted it, and not bleat on about wonderful non-piggie men, to cover up the fact that my DH is a piggie. (God, how convoluted is that!)

I just think at times that you make comments based on your own views & experiences, which seem very biased and anti-men on the whole ( is there a male equivalent for the word Misogynist??).

I just took issue with the fact that much of what you say seems devoid of real emotion, and that you view sex, cleaning, cooking etc as commodities which are traded by a couple. This seems to be a view which you nclude in most of your posts.

I don't think it is fair to suggest that the OP's DH might be using her as a live-in maid, and not wanting to change things as he'd lose out. Might be possible- but not from what she has said.

SG- one more thing-can you please explain the type of pseudoscience my DH might be using on me, just so I can check it out? I am such a silly little wife that I cannot think or work it out for myself!

Misandry is the word you are looking for (or
Misery for short )

lol

Ballina: the point I was making with regard to sexism being a possible part of the problem in the OP's marriage is that if her DH 'loves' her, refusing to take any steps towards addressing her unhappiness is a funny way of showing it.
HTTM: I am glad for you, that your DH is a nice man. That;s great. So why do you get in such a lather whenever anyone points out that some men are not so great and that some relationships are not beneficial to one or even both of the partners in them?

SG didn't know I did "get in a lather". Evidence?

Expressing my opinion, like you, that's all and taking you to task on some generalisations you made.
No lather.

Ballina: the point I was making with regard to sexism being a possible part of the problem in the OP's marriage is that if her DH 'loves' her, refusing to take any steps towards addressing her unhappiness is a funny way of showing it.

But surely, not addressng a problem does not automatically mean he is sexist? An ostrich maybe, but not necessarily apiggie.

I couldn't read this all but I wondered whether your DH does regular exercise? As we get older we need to keep the engine well tuned. So get him doing some intense exercise. You can even try to play some sport together like badminton or tennis?

I was wondering what kind of pseudoscience was being offered up here too..

hiya OP here. Firstly sorry I havent posted earlier. tbh I havent because I felt the direction the thread was going in wasnt really relevant for me in some respects and also because I have, happily, been very busy working things out with DH. And I have chosen to work with him rather than talk here about him IYSWIM.

But please let me say thank you for everyone who has posted passionately, with interest in my life, even if you are disagreeing with each other to some extent.

Also I had to say I have resorted to romance novels too just for some of that yummy feeling.

DH does love me more than anything. And he shows that in constant selfless acts throughout nearly a decade of being together. He has had a total inability to allow himself to "let go" and face that side of himself. And he has been very very wrong and cruel in shoving it on the back burner because it makes him feel uncomfortable.

The last day I posted I had him read this thread that night, which was a shock for him. Since then we have had (fantastic) sex 3 times and each time he has initiated it and its really great watching him loosen up a bit. And he has agreed to go to counselling with me though I still have not been able to find anyone we can afford so that agreement is somewhat of a moot point atm.

He is the only person on the earth who would choose my needs over his without a seconds hesitation. And he has got it very badly wrong in this respect by choosing to ignore my needs continually. But I think that is his problem, not mine, in that he just seems unable to focus on things and then carry them out, and feel it is ok to act on that urge rather than do something more "practical".

I think part of the problem is that I have expected him to take initiative and be emotionally on the ball when it isnt natural to his personality. I am very much the leader and he is my support. I didnt want to lead in this arena of our marriage but there you go. You sometimes lead when you dont set out to. I am going to set my ego aside and teach him more about this side of us as I really think he is utterly clueless with priorities, feelings etc.

I am still losing weight both for myself and him, although he seems besotted with my body I cant help but still feel it would do us both good if I were a bit slimmer. I am not fussed about being something unattainable but I would like to be 2 stone lighter which is reasonable for my height etc. May I also point out I worked out the other day my huge breasts are about a stone of the 15 stone so really my body is only 14 stone Seriously though I want to weigh less for me.

Thanks again for caring enough about my OP to post. I have to say I understand and see all of you varying points. And there is surely an element of truth in many of them. DH does take me for granted, and he is in a habit of no sex which is a vicious circle. But this I know, he loves me more than I could say here. And I love him so we are going to work it out together.

Thanks again