what do you do when you just know your husband doesnt fancy you or want sex, and hasnt for years, my heart is broken

[fromheretowhere]

DH and I married when I was 21. I am 30 now. The first year he was keen on sex but then it just seemed to stop. Gradually I came to realise he never made a move towards me. That I would extend invitations in whatever way that he either pretended not to notice or just didnt take up. This has caused so much pain and hurt in me.

When we have sex - averaging about 3 times a year - it is very very good. He has no health problems. He admitted he was depressed years ago and blamed his lack of lust on that, but no matter what has changed as the years have gone by this has remained.

I have cried, wept, begged, been angry, threatened divorce, given ultimatums, you name it I have been there over the last 9 years. I have been humiliated and shaking with pain and embarrassment and devastation and shock. I have cried at looking at myself in the mirror and cringed when thinking about how I look. I was gorgeous. Really gorgeous when I was younger. And I have gained weight - I am quite tall but 18 stone. I look after myself very well, put a lot of effort into how I look, dress well for my body, and am losing weight slowly anyway. I sometimes think I am still beautiful and desirable but then I do something to make a move on him and he just cuddles me and goes to sleep and I am lying in bed crying again. This has just happened and I have got out of bed as I cant stand humiliating myself by crying in front of him again.

We have had sex twice in a couple of weeks and both times at his initiation which is something of a record. But I believe it is just because a couple of weeks ago I had another one of my meltdowns over it and said I had to leave, that I couldnt face this rejection and pain every day anymore if he did nothing to help it.

He loves me very very much. He adores me, he sets me up as some kind of example of an amazing woman. We are best friends, loving parents together. Our family is lovely. But he does not want me. And I am so lonely. And I feel so rejected and hurt. I am so ashamed of myself for being overweight and obviously repulsing him on some level perhaps he doesnt even realise. He swears blind he is extremely attracted to me but night after night and day after day I am naked, or scantily clothed, and touching him, and he just puts his arms around me and goes to sleep. He says I am so comfortable he cant help it. You can imagine how mortifying that is.

To be fair though this started before I gained the weight. In fact I only gained the weight when I had DS who is almost 3.

What do I do? I truly cant divorce him. I would be lost without him on many levels and it would ruin our DS's life, and his, and probably mine too. I know it would be foolish. But what can I do? I have been begging him for almost a decade to help me, to try to feel something or act on what he feels, or get help from a doctor or therapist or whatever but he just carries on.

I have now realised that he will never change. He just wont. So I just dont know where that leaves me. I am heartbroken to be so unwanted and unworthy of his attention. I am humiliated. And afraid. I thought tonight, madly, that I would post on dating sites, purely to see if every man reacted to me like this or if other men would want me. But then I just burned with the agony of it all and couldnt face it.

Please help me.

Mine is definitely affected by my weight. Our sex life was definitely not up to scratch even when I WAS slim but at least it was once a month. Now it is once a year and only when I am actively losing weight.

You say that this started before you gained weight, so it does seem as if this is not the main issue. I too wondered about the 'gay' thing. Could it be possible?

Oh Fromhere, I feel for you. I could have written your post myself. To be constantly rejected by the one you love (and who says he loves you) is truly the most soul destroying experience.

My H & I have been together for 8.5 years. For much of that time DH just wasn't interested in sex. I would beg, plead, cry, dress up in sexy underwear etc.....nearly had an affair last year and over the past 12 months or so my feelings for H have all but disappeared. I was aware that I was almost actively switching my attraction to him off, if that makes sense. Self preservation perhaps?

The upshot is that in January I told him I could take no more. We are still living in the same house but are no longer a couple and next month the kids and I are moving into our own house. I am relieved but broken hearted because I loved him so much. I don't know if I will ever feel confident again, I feel so utterly unwanted.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your post, but sometimes it can help to know someone else has been through the same thing - I used to cry myself to sleep at night too and I wish that my H was gay, just so I wouldn't feel like I was the one lacking.

For me, the prospect of being a single mum with 3 kids, hundreds of miles from my family is preferrable to the pain and rejection I have felt the past 8 years!

One of the posts has resonated with me - I used to tell H he was placing me on a pedastil too - I would almost feel like he worshipped me and I would say to him that I was not the perfect woman he was making out - I wonder if worshipping = desexualising?

I hope you are ok....if you search on my username you'll be able to read some of the humiliating things I posted before

oh hell before I read all the messages from last night can I just say I am not 18 stone That was typed wrongly last night. I am exactly 15 stone. Which is still a lot but better than 18 so I would like to point it out!

mrsshapelybottom - thank you for telling me your story, I feel sad for you as I know how you feel but it does still help me a bit to know I am not alone. Something you said struck a cord with me too - I am not English and wouldnt take DS to America with me as I wouldnt put that much distance between him and DH. And here... I just cant imagine having a life here without DH. I would be so lonely and adrift, everything in this country makes me think of him.

The gay thing has occurred to me many times and I have asked him and he says it is the most ludicrous thing ever.

I will phone Relate or someone today and see when we can go.

Fromhere - I am on the other side of the fence to you. I could cheerfully never have sex with dh again (although we do have sex several times a week).

It has nothing to do with not wanting him or loving him or not wanting to give him attention. It has an awful lot to do with being very tired and not ever liking sex all that much (although once involved I can enjoy it).

I would change the way I felt if I could as it would mean a lot to dh, I just cannot make myself want to have sex.

I really do not think that it is anything to do with you. There is not a man alive who would make me leap into bed. It is not the case that dh does not have all the things I want sexually, it is more of the case that I don't really want a great deal of anything.

I realise that this does not help with your problems but I wanted you to understand that this is more about your dh than you.

FHTW, I know what you mean about not being able to imagine a life without DH because you are not in your own home country - I am terrified of being on my own, honestly, I just don't know how I will cope but I was more lonely in my marriage than I think I will ever be on my own. Does that make any sense? FWIW, I think partly because I ended things before I actually began to hate my H's guts (I could feel the resentment growing!) we are still friends and getting on better now because there is no pressure on us to try any more.

I'm not suggesting for a second that this is what you should do - I also think SolidGold is onto something - sexual exclusivity doesn't work for every relationship - perhaps your DH would be open to an alternative arrangement between the two of you where he is not your sexual partner? He can't very well expect you to be celibate for the rest of your days just because it suits him. If you work together well in every other area of your life maybe it's time to think outside of the box, so to speak? I suppose you have to ask yourself how you will cope if your DH never changes?

hugs to you x

thanks GooseyLoosey. I guess it just still hurts me, even if my DH is like you in that he just doesnt want it... I dont know. I wish I was enough to inspire that wanting. But I understand what you are saying.

Also though he doesnt have sex with me several times a week. Several a year. So night after night I go to bed feeling rather unsatisfied. I masturbate a lot but this is feeling so hollow and I just dont want to do it anymore. It doesnt satisfy me the way he would.

x posts mrsshapely... I know what you mean about feeling more lonely with your DH than without him. I can imagine that happening but just not with me. I dont know what I would do in this country without him. I know it sounds crap but I just dont know how I would get along here on my own.

DH would never go along with an open relationship, he is very jealous of me. But you are dead right that he cant expect me to limit myself so much like this for the rest of my life. I am only 30 and I want some passion and sex and connection thank you!

Oh he is 5 years older than me.

And can I say again I weigh 15 stone?

Have you talked to your dh about how this is making you feel? Dh and I have talked about it alot - hence the reason we have sex several times a week. We actually reached an agreement about what he needed and what I could live with - how often and when. I don't like sex in the evening as I am always very tired and winding down from the day (and sex is just another chore as far as I am concerned). However, in the morning I feel a lot more relaxed and "up for it" so dh knows that he shouldn't get his hopes up at night! Also, I agreed that I would initiate it sometimes.

I know this all sounds fairly formal but where one partner wants sex a lot and the other doesn't at all, I'm not sure what other way there is.

Not saying this is all perfect as dh still thinks I am unreasonable and the right amount of sex would be every day. From my perspective of course the right amount would be much less frequently. Still someone once told me that the nest compromises are where both parties don't feel entirely happy with the outcome.

Please, please don't feel that it is a reflection on you though. I could have the male equivalent of Angelina Jolie naked in front of me and prefer a cup of tea!

This might surprise you- but I think my DH could have written the same post.

I am a woman who is behaving like your DH.

For me, I did really fancy my DH for about 18 months, then my feelings declined a bit. Sex was good, but I had been sex-starved for a while.

I can't say WHY I went off him- maybe things to do withhis personality rather than his looks as he is still in great shape and we have been together for 25 years now. Sex is intermittent, but not as much as he would want.

I do love him, but as a brother, not a lover. He is a great dad and he really loves me. I cannot imagine my life without him, but he just doean't make me feel sexy.

Recently, I went for counselling to try to reach a decision, and it brought matters to ahead. We are now giving our relationship one last try, and I am trying to be more sexual with him.

I understand exactly how you and your DH must feel. I can't offer any advice, except you must ask your DH to be brutally honest with you- can he see himself having a full sexual relationship with you again- and if not, what makes him feel as he does?

It may be nothing to do with sex- it may be something to do with your behaviour in some way- or it may be that the chemistry has just died. This can happen and it is no-one's fault.

If he cannot see himself feeling any differently, then I think no matter how hard it is for you, you must accpet that your marriage is not giving you what you want; you can then decide to leave and hope to find another man, or you could stay in your marriage and maybe find sex outside of it, either with or without your DH'd knowledge.
If you did that- would he be jealous? Or relieved?

I hope you find the answer.

I'm sticking my neck out here, but I'd find another married bloke who doesn't get sex and start an affair.

I really would.

If I couldn't leave that's what I'd do.

There are plenty out there.

My mother has several friends who had or have had husbands like this (she's old enough that some of her friends are now widows), and I know of at least 3 who had or have had decades long affairs with other married men.

TBH, I'd go a step further and do what solidgold suggested.

I'd very calmly tell him, 'You are what you are. I am what I am. I'm going to seek sex elsewhere.'

'People who won't have sex with a partner when the lack of sex is making the partner miserable lose the right to sexual exclusivity IMO. '

I agree.

The problem with seeking sex outside a marriage is that matters can get complicated! It's fine if both parties just want a fuck-buddy, but inevitably, emotions get in the way with one person wanting more emotional ties. Sure, it might work occasionally, but not very often. Situations change and what can look like a straight forward arrangement can fall apart.

I do not agree with SG that your DH must not love you just because he won't have sex. Sexual feelings are very complex and love not does always = sex, or frequent sex. It is quite possible to feel platonic love, or altruistic love, but not sexual love.

There are so many reasons why your situation could have occured; he could be gay, he could be suffering from the "princess and prostitute syndrome" ( this is where men adore their woman so much that they put her on a pedestal and cannot relate to her as a "whore", and it needs psychotherapy to sort it out); he may have a very low libido, or he may simply have made a mistake in marrying you and his feelings have changed.

The only answer is to ask him, and go to an expert for help, and hopefully he will go too.

'The only answer is to ask him, and go to an expert for help, and hopefully he will go too. '

She already has!

He doesn't want to go.

And yes, there are all kinds of love out there.

But when you marry someone and at the time you were having a sexual relationship that suited you both and now you don't and the other party just doesn't want to know, well, hell, I think solidgold pretty much summed it up.

Different story if you were both asexual and decided to marry and reproduce, he opened up about his feelings and said he realised he was gay, etc.

This is a case of everything going great, couple seems sexually compatible and then bam! I don't want you anymore and what's more I'm not willing to discuss it.

Fair enough.

Two choices, either leave or tell him, 'I am what I am, you are what you are. I'm seeking sex elsewhere.'

He wants to change HE needs to ring up the counsellor and see to that.

I wpuldn't say he doesn't love you. And I really don't think he will turn out to be gay. Its more likley that its simply a case of different libidos. We are all falsely stimulated when in the throes of nbew love, but then it settles down and your default comes into play.

Contrary to popular opinion, all men do not want sex all the time. Some men just aren't that bothered. You need to know if his low libido is an expression of his personality or if there is an undelying reason.

If it is just who he is you both need to get to grips with that. You also need to talk to someone about low self esteem. I know you may feel like its a rejection of you - but what if its actually an expression of who he is? You both need to get to the bottom of this and get to know yourselves and each other better.

And, unPC as it might be, it also very well might be a weight/physical attractivness issue for him, but he loves you enough not to ask you to lose weight.

So, he loves you but doesn't fancy you maybe? The love is there - that's the good part. You can do somehting about the weight - you would be in a much worse situation if he fancied you but didn't love you!

expat I suggested seeking sex elsewhere too...but it really is not as simple as that for some people.

I also suggested that the OP went for expert help in any case- and that he might hopefully go too.

I imagine that the OP doesn't just want sex- a rabbit would do the job to an extent- but that she wants the whole loving-relationship set up.

If she just wants sex, I'd advocate a male prostitute- no complicated emotions, just what you pay for, no wife in the background, no fear of getting hurt or causing hurt. But I doubt very much if that is what she wants.

I do not go along with the idea of if you don't want sex with your DP then you lose exclusivity- that is looking at sex as a commodity , as if "well Asda doesn't stock it, so I'll get it at Tesco instead". Relationships are a lot more complex than that, surely?

It also assumes you can find a) find a guy who is willing to be your fuck buddy and b) is prepared to play the game of being the OM.

Just talk- and if he cannot change, you have to make a decision, depending on how important the sex is to you.

Ballina, this started when I was as slim as I was when we were married. I only put the weight on about 3 years ago (and did I mention I am not 18 stone LOL)

The thing is, although I have thought about it quite a lot I think I know in my gut I could not have a sex only relationship. I did when I was younger & single but I have changed so much and now, the only way I could be comfortable having sex with a man would be if I loved him too. I know some people can have sex only relationships but I just couldnt at this stage in my life.

Ballina he would agree with you that he just has a low libido. But I just cant think that is good enough and that he isnt trying to look into it. And it wasnt low the first year of our marriage. So what changed? And regardless of his libido I have NOT got a low libido and I WANT and deserve a satisfying sexual relationship. These were not the terms we married under and they were not the terms I moved across the world for.

Having said all that I feel so guilty complaining about anything with him because he does so much good for me.

Um OP says she IS doing something about the weight

give her credit for that instread of missing that point entirely, plus issues started before the eight gain ahyhow.

OP hugs, only yu can decide what to do. Congrats on the weight loss- for health reasons if nowt else. It's a big commitment to yourself and you ahev done well.

Sexless amrriages can survivce and can be a phase also- esp. with young children, but 9 years is long isn't it? It's habit now as much as anything.

My guess is derpession instigated (so very common) and now a fixed habit; regular sex dates to break the habit may be required, obv only possible if he gets on board (sorry for the pun, unintended at first but undeletable ) but that can work.

Good luck

Fromhere - you do sound like my dh! Have you talked to your dh about exactly how you feel and what you would need for a satisfying relationship and tried to work out if there is somewhere you can meet in the middle?

What's changed? We are all mad for each other when we get together. For some the honeymood period lasts a few years, for most of us is less than a year then things get normal and mundane even.

You are right these were not the terms you married under and if it is such a problem for you then you need to serioulsy reassess your relationship. But I think it might be helpful for you if you seperated your feeling that you have a 'right' to a satisfying sexual relationship (if that's true, then you both do and need to find a compromise about that, not one of you demanding from the other something that demoralises them) from your feelings of low self esteem (which are not necessarily caused by this - it might just be a useful tag to hand them all on to) and how you and DH communicate and generally spend time having fun together.

If you are in this marriage for the long haul, you need to adress problems together, without aportiuoning blame, which will only breed resentment. You both have a right to self expression. The question is if you are sexually compatible. And if this means more to you than your famuly. He obvioulst thinks his family is more importent than sex. You need to work out what you want and once you make a decision, try to work with it, not against it.

I think you should insist on sexual counselling, as a condition for continuing with your marriage. He obviously has some sort of issue that needs exploring. Do you know why he refuses to go? Perhaps if you just go ahead and book it then he'd go with you? Several things strike me:

you mentioned in your OP that he has admitted to depression in the past - that could have a severe effect on his libido, I would imagine. I have no experience of this, but I'm sure there are other MNers who could advise.

I also think that no sex can become a habit, just like any other behaviour. When you have a busy, stressful life, family and so on it can just seem like an awful lot of effort to have sex, especially when you have got into the habit of not having it, and this cycle needs to be broken.

Finally, it sounds as if you have given him ultimatums in the past, but have you ever followed through with any of these? Does he think you're serious? Perhaps he needs some sort of kick up the backside to make him realise how serious this is for you. Would you consider moving out, or kicking him out, for a short time, so that he can see that you mean bunsiness. He sounds very comfortable with the way things are, but you sound in such agony.

Right, firstly, I have not got in general low self esteem. I most certainly have got it in the many nights when I am lying in bed alone or awake while he is asleep. It is damn near impossible to maintain self esteem when the person who you are in love with and who is in love with you seems to look at you as a lovely comfy pillow to snuggle up in bed with, rather than a sexual woman. I am happy to be the pillow but not just the pillow.

Also I value our family more than sex too, hence me still being in this country, in this house, in this relationship, and hence me still giving him love and affection every day despite the fact that this has been going on for nearly our whole marriage. When it comes down to it I will stay with him because I cant bear the alternative but is it right for him to take me granted and just treat me as some other thing all the time. And when he does want sex from time to time I assure you he gets it. So he is getting everything he wants when he wants it.

I know the honeymoon period wont last forever but 2-3 times a year seems an extreme to me. And even then odds are very high I am the one who has initiated it, not him. It regularly happens where I realise its been 6 months again and he seems totally unaware of it and not minding.

midnightexpress - I once followed up on a threat. I said I would seek a relationship elsewhere if he didnt make more of an effort. He didnt make an effort at all so I did. I had an emotional affair. And it was the worst thing I have ever done and I think I was suffering some kind of madness. But I wanted to prove to him I was desirable by someone else. I wont do that again. And I just dont want to ask him to leave and me leaving is out of the question. It will have to be counselling or I will have to give up my needs, again.

This goes against everything I would normally think, or certainly offer an opinion on, but, I axtually agree with Solidgold. If your DH is happy to see you in such distress over this, I would seriously call into question whether he loves you rather than the life you have together. He can say he loves you/ fancies you all he likes, but without action to back it up, it is just words. He knows you haven't acted on your previous ultimatums and does just the bare minimum to stop you leaving, but does nothing to improve the situation on a permanent basis.

He does not appear to have any intention of dealing with this, since you say it has been over ten years now,so you have to decide:
a)one more chance to get professional help or you will leave.
b)Tell him you are going to actively search for someone to have a sexual relationship and if that leads to love, well, he had his chance or
c) leave anyway and make it a condition of returning that he gets the help to sort this out.

It is vastly unfair of him to expect you to live a sexless life just because he can't/won't make love to you. That is not a marriage IMO

see if you can get hold of this

It is well balanced and providing there is a real wish to make it better, could be a good start for you both.

Good luck

Just take whats relevant and jettison the rest