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Original poster

My sex drive is non-existent. Am I the only one?

119 replies

goinggreyalready · 14/04/2009 16:25

My sex drive is much lower than DH's and always has been, but I made lots of effort when we were TTC our DS. The lack of action continues to cause rows between DH and me and things certainly aren't improving, even though we would both dearly love another baby (and I'm 36).

I'm starting to feel like some sort of freak and that the rest of the world must be at it like rabbits. Has anyone else had this problem, and if so, what did you do about it? Please share your stories so I can hopefully feel more positive about TTC when I do actually do the deed again

Thanks

OP posts:
hancan · 14/04/2009 21:28

Mine too - much lower than DH! i find i only want to get intimate 2-3 times a month and thats around the time i ovulate.. It doesn't help that we have argued so much this last year since birth of ds, our first. arguing is not a good grounding for making love! we are both tired and grouchy. So when i do feel randy, we try to go on a roll for a few days solid to make the most of it!! and grandmother once told me that the more you do it, the more you want it...

What helps us is...to go to bed early, so not as tired, to flirt as much as poss throughout the day, texting etc and...imagining so there is a big build up..

LoveMyGirls · 14/04/2009 21:37

I think the more you have it the more you want it but other things help too like dp helping more round the house/ with the dd's because if he does more then i do less therefore have more energy for sex.

Do you feel sexy? If not maybe it's time you treated yourself to a relaxing bath or a haircut, have your nails done, get some flattering clothes/ underwear etc so you feel more like a young 36yr old rather than an old knackered wife/ mother (I'm not saying you are any of those btw!)

bohemianbint · 14/04/2009 21:41

How old's your DS? I have a 7m and a 2.7m and I'd take a book in bed over anything else, at the mo, so no, you're not alone!

hancan · 14/04/2009 21:41

i def agree - i treated myself to some posh undies, a haircut and some trendy clothes and felt a million dollars, this really helped.

stainesmassif · 14/04/2009 21:45

God no, especially with breast feeding - having someone chewing on my nipple for up to 3 hours a day is a definite passion killer. Still, it's true, the more you do it, the better it is.

I think a lot of it is to do with what time of day you do it. Bedtimes are a big no no for me, in fact the best time of day is the afternoon or early evening. Can you drag dh into the bedroom after you've put lo to bed? Bedtimes are for sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

stainesmassif · 14/04/2009 21:46

ps, i mean the more you do 'it', not the nipple chewing!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 14/04/2009 21:49

YOu are not alone, me too, DD 3, DS 10 months and busy running a business.

decafgirl · 14/04/2009 22:13

It's so nice to realise I'm not the only one. I very rarely (if ever) feel like sex and it's a huge source of tension. It just feels like one more thing I have to do before I can go to sleep!

ShowOfHands · 14/04/2009 22:18

Me too. BFing leaves me very 'touched out'. I often want to be left alone.

I have tried to address it though and the old 'the more you do it, the more you want it' line is true. I've also tried to invest some time in it instead of getting ground down in the daily day to day having a child, running a house business. So, devoting time to actually spending time together just cuddling or kissing and trying to forget about all other stuff.

I, er, also have quite a vivid imagination so have tried reading some, er, adult interest stuff. You know, well written stuff, not your average erotica. I have standards. Works quite well. If my brain's not firing, then neither's the rest of me.

Original poster
goinggreyalready · 15/04/2009 08:01

Feeling less 'freak-like' now after all your replies.

LoveMyGirls, great ideas about sexying myself up, but it's the getting undressed and seeing the post pregnancy boobs thats not helping!

stainesmassif, hoping the nipples are improving

decafgirl, you sound exactly like me. Do you and DH discuss it or avoid the subject, or do you have sex when he wants sometimes just to keep the peace? We try not to talk about it much as I know we'll end up rowing. I love him to bits but as you say it feels like another thing on the huge list of things that I should be doing- like hoovering, home baking......!

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 15/04/2009 08:21

I had a breast reduction when I was younger I have scars and most people would think I wouldn't feel sexy but I do, it's in your mind I bet your dh doesn't care about post pg boobs, men love all boobs imo.

I think it's about gaining confidence and believing you can be sexy and attractive which is hard after having a baby especially when you are bf-ing.

Massage is a good place to start too.

Original poster
goinggreyalready · 15/04/2009 09:05

Thanks LoveMyGirls. Think you're right about it being a confidence thing. I've never really had much sex drive if I'm honest, but I had PND after DS was born (he's now 2.11) and even though I'm feeling ok in my day to day life, my self-esteem is still pretty low. The combination of being tired all the time, lack of babysitters and family to help out, and the wobbly body bits aren't helping!

OP posts:
nikki1978 · 15/04/2009 09:40

I think that if your sex life goes downhill a bit (which it often does when you have young kids) it is easy for women to lose their sex drive and I do honestly believe that the less sex you have the less you feel like it (you seem to get out of the swing of things). My husband and I have always had high sex drives but I did lose mine a bit and we were probably having sex twice a month. But I knew sex was important to our relationship so I put some effort into it and lost weight, bought sexy undies and started to take better care of myself (exercise etc)- obviously I did this for me too not just to be more attractive to DH. I feel much sexier and now we are at it like rabbits (3-4 times a week). As a couple we also have started to explore our fantasties together which has helped a lot.

I personally think it is important not to let sex slide too much (it is so much fun after all!). If your DH is arguing with you about it then it is clearly very important to him so you need to get to the point where you are having enough sex that you are both happy. Have you talked about how you feel with him and what you can do to make things better?

Original poster
goinggreyalready · 15/04/2009 09:57

Thanks nikki1978

Have tried talking and I promise him that when I am in the mood he'll be the first to know! I know you're right that we shouldn't let it slide too much but me thinks we already have and I don't feel like revving it back up again- I just know I need to. Think I should take a leaf out of your book and start exercising so I feel better about myself and my body. Thank you

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FlyMeToDunoon · 15/04/2009 10:03

I have had a very low drive for years. Years before I had children.
It was a great source of upset for both DP and me and it still occasionally flares up as a problem.
We seem to live with it now.
I feel very guilty but am pretty sure it is just the way I am.
I also feel like a freak. Not having sex is really a social taboo. You can let slip your rampant sex life but to admit to not fancying it is a no no.
Having said that if you can keep up some action it does uh keep the ball rolling.

stainesmassif · 15/04/2009 10:10

By the way, hope that this isn't TMI for mn - have you tried experimenting with 'accessories' - by which I mean the rampant rabbit. This has worked wonders for me, even if I'm not in the mood it can fast track me to the same place as dh with 100% success and pelvic floor not what it was!! Sex doesn't always have to be one particular way - if it works, work it!!

Original poster
goinggreyalready · 15/04/2009 10:18

FlyMeToDunoon, your story sounds sooo familiar. Like you, I feel constantly guilty for not wanting to have sex, and also sad that DH can't understand that I really want to want sex more than anything but Ijustdon't. We haven't done anything for the last 2 months. Last night I felt that I should at least try sex but couldn't bring myself to initiate it. How are you managing to 'keep the ball rolling'? We both want another baby but its seeming less than likely right now

OP posts:
Original poster
goinggreyalready · 15/04/2009 10:19

Can't get the hang of bold type either!

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 15/04/2009 10:24

It's very easy to think of sex as just one more thing you need to do, or one more demand on your time. However this does YOU a disservice. It should be a time for relaxing, freeing your mind of all the days crap and making it 'you' time, when you are not just 'Mum' or 'Breast feeding central'.

If you switch your thinking into making it a pleasure and something you need, rather than a chore, the chance to connect again with 'you' might get you back in the saddle a bit more often.

FlyMeToDunoon · 15/04/2009 10:30

Well the ball isn't rolling here I'm afraid.
when we were trying for No2 we both made an effort. I asked DP to help by keeping trying which is hard for him-risking rejection.

Colonelcupcake · 15/04/2009 10:33

Hi

I am in the same situation, I have a 1 & 2 year old and all I want to do is go to sleep, I don't want to deal with the mess and repulsion of seeing myself naked, DH trys but in all honesty I don't like it I only do it to appease and prefer to DIY it less mess and emotions!

It is causing a strain he wants spontinaity and passion I just want it to be over, I am tired and get no help when he comes in and has a shower sits on his computer whilst I am often still running around always doing the dinner sometimes washing sorting out kitchen etc, even when I go out to excercise its the same story he never bothers.

As I am an emotionally driven person if I don't like him it is impossible to want to have sex is any of that similar to you?

Colonelcupcake · 15/04/2009 10:34

Forgot to say its like this sex once or twice a month and I am only 23!

Original poster
goinggreyalready · 15/04/2009 10:44

Colonelcupcake, my DH definately doesn't get it if he's bugged me by being lazy, or if he's had a couple of drinks, but he is usually very good to me and DS.

FlyMeToDunoon, has the ball stopped completely? How were things when TTC no2?. My DH said he didn't enjoy TTC DS and he wouldn't want things to be like that for no2. My fear is that TTC can take ages and neither of us will enjoy it and it will cause more upset.

OP posts:
FlyMeToDunoon · 15/04/2009 11:01

Yes the ball has stopped completely. Only once since DD3 was conceived and that was as a result of a rare spontaneous romp. She is two and a half now.
TTc was difficult for us both but we really wanted another and were able to discuss strategies. We used to concentrate on ovulation times but found it worked much better to just have sex as much as we could at any time just more particularly mid month.

I hope you are able to come to some mutual arrangement.

OrmIrian · 15/04/2009 11:06

"It should be a time for relaxing, freeing your mind of all the days crap and making it 'you' time, when you are not just 'Mum' or 'Breast feeding central'.
"

But what if it isn't? For many women it isn;t and 'should' doesn't come into it.

There are things I do as 'me time' and sex isn't really one of them. It's another thing I do for someone else. It may be enjoyable but it still isn't something I'd probably choose to do. You might not be mum or 'breast-feeding central' but unless it's something you really want to do it is just another chore.