My sex drive is non-existent. Am I the only one?

[goinggreyalready]

My sex drive is much lower than DH's and always has been, but I made lots of effort when we were TTC our DS. The lack of action continues to cause rows between DH and me and things certainly aren't improving, even though we would both dearly love another baby (and I'm 36).

I'm starting to feel like some sort of freak and that the rest of the world must be at it like rabbits. Has anyone else had this problem, and if so, what did you do about it? Please share your stories so I can hopefully feel more positive about TTC when I do actually do the deed again

Thanks

Can you imagine if our OHs were discussing this on a mens talk website! Not bl**dy likely! As women/mums/wives we really do far more than our fair share of feeling guilty don't we? Oh to be a man

Thanks FlyMeToDunoon. Am trying to come up with a mutual arrangement, but still can't actually make the first move. Think we need to have a big chat that we've been putting off for ages- just hope it doesn't end in tears or a row.

Couldn't agree more OrmIrian

I feel like this too, we are both sooo knackered by the end of the day it just seems like too much hassle. Plus DS is waking in the night at the moment and really early in morning due to teething and we just want to get to bed as early as poss to sleep.
We still find each other attractive etc and it's not like we NEVER do it, maybe once a month at moment. I hope it gets better though I miss the bedroom fun. Sounds bad but having a couple of drinks usually loosens me up too.

OrmIrian, that's exactly how I feel. Sex is a chore and takes away from "me time". I wish I could make myself feel differently but I just can't seem to. The problem is that over the uears, the more dh pushes for sex, the less comfortable I feel with it and the more of a chore it has become.

We have a working compromise - sex in mornings (as I am too tired at night), about twice a week and I will instigate it sometimes. This does not alleviate all of the problems and we don't always stick to it, but it does help.

We have a compromise goosey. And it works really well. DH is happy and so am I. But I'd be lying if I said I do it for me.

Me-time is running, reading, walking. Not humping.

goinggreyalready - I exercise a few times a week just doing Davina DVDs and every now and then going running (but that is because I am training for a charity run). I was 13 stone 11 about 18 months ago (I am 5ft 3 so every pound showed!) and I am now 9st 12 and feel completely differently about myself which has helped loads with how sexy I feel! Plus I am so much fitter.

Can I ask what it is that holds you back from sex? Is it that you are too tired? You don't enjoy it much? You are not confident in bed? I know you say you have a low sex drive but I think there needs to be a reason for that. It is interesting that there are so many people on here who have lost (or never had) their sex drives - more common than I thought....

Tried to add to this thread yesterday and somehow failed to post the message.

Have been in a v similar position to you goinggrey but things are quite a bit better now. Like you I'd really just dread sex and have to psych myself up to it, then I'd feel resentful throughout about DH having pushed me into it. He was really unhappy about how little we were doing it and I felt really guilty and trapped. The thing I found helped was to take responsability for initiating it so that I could make it feel like my idea and not a favour I was doing for my husband. So do whatever it takes to get you into the right place mentally/physically (taking on board all the helpful tips re 'accessories', nice underwear, erm, literature) and then surprise him.

It's not the answer to everything and it still feels like a lot of effort sometimes but it's reduced the tension massively and a few good experiences really do make the whole thing more appealing. Having said that, I completely agree with OrmIrian about 'me-time'

'Sex is another thing I do for someone else?' Really, Ormrian? I think that's really sad. Does that mean it does nothing for you at all?

Has been really interesting reading this thread. Have been feeling like a complete freak for so long and it is comforting to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I have a low sex drive - always have had - and don't often enjoy sex. I do it for DH's sake, and even then it can be weeks or months between. Until recently our youngest (DC3!) was in our bedroom, but even now that we have our own relative child free space at nighttime, quite frankly we are so dog tired by the time evening falls, sex is the furthest thing from our minds. But it still bothers me and even though it's me who has the lower sex drive, it's usually me that keeps it on the agenda, so to speak. I may not like sex much, but I do totally love DH and think it an important part of our lives together. Does it matter, though, if you have periods of your marriage where you hardly have sex? Is it possible to have a genuinely intimate partnership if there's little or no sex going on? I'd be interested to know what every thinks really.

It means that DH is happy, it means that our relationship stays on an even keel, and yes I get pleasure from it (if you mean orgasms), but no, given the choice I'd not bother. It's only 'sad' if I feel I'm missing out of something, which I don't.

I am not alone, as you see from this thread.

I have found this thread interesting too misspollysdolly although I am at the opposite end of the spectrum to you in that I enjoy sex a great deal. I wonder what percentages of women like/dislike sex - would be interesting to find out.

I think sex is an important thing to have and personally I don't think DH or I could go without. I understand that many people have sexless marriages but I think that if one person does not want sex anymore and the other still does that it is not fair to expect them to give that up. Most men are very sexual by nature after all.

A question regarding one-sided sexless marriages/relationships (please don't take offence it is just out of curiousity) - do people not worry about their partners going elsewhere? My DH loves me very, very much but I am pretty sure if we didn't have sex for several years he would have to erm sow his seed somewhere .

Nikki1978, I loved sex, now I'd take the sleep over anything else. I feel bad for DH as I keep saying that we'll get back into the swing of things soon, but if I'm honest,it would be for his sake rather than mine. I too think sex is very important but I'm just not in the mood and bar a couple of times, haven't been since I got pregnant. We haven't had sex for 7 months now and DS is 14 weeks old. Will it ever come back.

The whole subject is very emotive and is like a lot of other things-subject to social pressures and the expectations raised by the media.
I used to really resent Trinny and Susannah saying we must all look sexy all of the time.
I have had some [what I would consider] very odd comments from friends-'Can't you just give him a BJ once a week'-what, sex to a routine?
'you owe him sex'-oh really, hello this is the 21st century.

Before we had children I asked if he wanted to split up and he said no. I thought about leaving him because it wasn't fair on him. I didn't but when I told him about this years later he was furious and said it was a joint decision.
We have been to Relate and I have seen a therapist alone but although both of these helped our relationship generally the sex issue has never changed for me.

I do wonder how common it is. Are all of those frigid women jokes and comments about this.
Many couples a generation or so ago, especially those who could afford it had separate bedrooms or beds at least.

Sex just does not occur to me as an activity.
I too prefer reading, sleeping and gardening.

There is definitely an element of value judgement about this whole area too. We 'should' want sex or there is something wrong.

I can really relate to the 'me time' thing as well.

Me and dh used to be at it like rabbits. But I'm another one who feels like it's just another demand on my time.

I work full time, sit down to relax about 8pm, and then I just want to chill out!

Don't get me wrong, I love it when I do it, and dh is great in bed too... but I feel like... work demands of me all day, kids demand of me when I get home, and then dh starts demanding of me

Isn't it the test of a partnership though?

It was so easy for us all to be at it like rabbits in the beginning when we were fully rested, out to impress each other, and wearing our rose tinted glasses.

Having spent a few years picking up socks, listening to each other snore, or drone on we're drunk, it's much harder to muster up the passion at the drop of a hat.

But that's not to say that we shouldn't make the effort, even, or especially if it is an effort. I'm speaking to myself as much as to anyone else here. But if sex is part of the glue that holds a relationship and a family together, then it is worth sacrificing a night of self indulgence - reading, gardening, mumsnetting, whatever it is that floats your own particular boat in order to do something that will make the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with happy.

I don't believe that looking sexy is all that important to your partner tbh by the way, though obviously it has a bearing on how you feel yourself, but i'm confident that saggy boobs or a plumptious belly are just the signs of the life that you made together and make no difference to your dh. Going by my dh's attitude, he's just happy to be getting some when he does!

I do find it very sad when women talk about sex as something they 'do' for their partners

I really don't think it is inevitable and I reckon that at least half of my mummy-friends still have fairly frantic sex lives

Why do you find it sad MP? If the person who says it isn't sad about it? Don't you see how infuriating that is? It's only 'sad' for those who think of sex as something really important. I love running. I don't find it sad that someone else doesn't.

Oh it's fine if you both agree that you want a relationship without sex and are happy with that

But that is rarely the case is it?

Our sex life has definitely waned over the years - 3 kids, both working and constantly knackered! It's not something that bothers either of us though - we're still close as a couple, make each other laugh, are each others rock, and when we do go for it it's very good!

No-one I know is at it all the time, and I think there is far too much pressure on us to be performing constantly. If both of you are happy, then infrequent sex is fine.

Oh girls, feeling like I've opened a can of worms now- can't concentrate on anything else today! Do you think it would be easier if we all understood why we don't want it anymore or ever?

In response to others, the only thing that I feel sad about is that my DH is missing out on something which he really enjoys. That then turns to guilt, and I can't make myself want to do it when I'd be doing it because I feel guilty- does that make any sense to anyone?

Higglepig, DH has suggested i take the lead and instigate things when I'm ready- bet he's regretting saying that now

Why don't I want it - because I (and dh) are constantly exhausted, because other things are more important, because of so many reasons....

The main thing is that neither of us feel in the slightest bit guilty. I refuse to bow to pressure to be at it constantly, or to feel as if there is something wrong if I'm not swinging from the chandeliers every night.

If you want sex nightly, then good for you. If you want it monthly, then good for you. Everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong.

I don't think anyone is saying you HAVE to be having sex frequently to be a happy couple but the OP did say that her husband wants it more and they argue about it. If one person wants sex and the other doesn't why should one person have to go without? It is very awkward I know but I think there has to be a comprimise like there would be in any other part of a relationship.

When you do have sex do you orgasm? Just a question for interests sake ;)

I am so glad i read this thread. I don't know what to do. Been so long since me and DH had any sex life. DD is now 3 and I really wanted children close in age and it is not happening. Got period today and cried my eyes out because its just another month gone by.

I really want sex just feel so awkward now because its been so long.

I'm like most of you on this thread, these days I just don't feel like it, although often once we're doing it I find I enjoy it, (sometimes).

My personal theory is that now I have had 2 children, on a biological/evolutionary/survival of the species basis, it is just not necessary for me to keep having sex. My job now is to ensure the survival of my DC's and that is why i no longer feel like having sex.

DH on the other hand has a never decreasing sex drive as (again in biological/evolutionary/survival terms) he is the 'driver' which ensures the survival and continuation of the species.

Marriage is an invention by society. I think humans are closer to animals in that the male will 'mate' with a range of females not just one. If he was to partner just one female all his life it would probably mean not very many babies for precisely the reason we are all talking about, we just don't feel like it. And a lot of the time this is often after having had DC's that our sex drive decreases dramatically.

FWIW, DH and i have talked about this and he agrees with my theory. So i have quite openly told him i don't often feel like it, but nevertheless I do make an effort far more than i personally would like, purely for his sake because I love him and he does lots for me that he probably ideally would rather not be doing.