My sex drive is non-existent. Am I the only one?

[goinggreyalready]

My sex drive is much lower than DH's and always has been, but I made lots of effort when we were TTC our DS. The lack of action continues to cause rows between DH and me and things certainly aren't improving, even though we would both dearly love another baby (and I'm 36).

I'm starting to feel like some sort of freak and that the rest of the world must be at it like rabbits. Has anyone else had this problem, and if so, what did you do about it? Please share your stories so I can hopefully feel more positive about TTC when I do actually do the deed again

Thanks

I am so old I am sure you would think I wouldn't want to know anything about sex.. or maybe I am so old I forgot what it is like?

Well I strongly remember going off sex totally after my first child was born. By the time he was 18 months old I just couldn't be bothered at all.... and our whole relationship was going down the tubes. I had a bit of a fright when I realised how unhappy he was.. so we booked ourselves into Relate.. and worked on a few things that were amiss in the relationship, lack of balance in who took responsibility for what etc... and then we were lucky enough to have a couple ( married couple) who had recently done some training in sexual therapy.. so they did some work with us about that too. It was really very simple.. much of the stuff that is mentioned in this thread actually... making time to be together first and foremost.. which isn't easy... but it is basic if you want to stay together. The other things like taking care of one another in small ways during the day.. and yes of course.. flirting.. a hand reaching out to touch your hand when someone speaks to you makes you feel nice inside.. and then take the pressure off having "to perform". Make a rule.. only kissing and cuddling with clothes on for a couple of days.. then dont touch trunk.. arms legs head and neck only.. then only top half of trunk.. and so on.. a few days for each rule was enough for us.. although we were supposed to do a week or two for each one.. once we got "warmed up" as it were.. well we moved a bit faster.. and things were back on track with us being happy to be making love as often as we both liked.

I won't say we never looked back.. sex seems to go grotty when the relationship is grotty for some reason.. but that is natural enough isn't it.. if you are grouching at each other all the time.. or cold and distant.. who wants to reach out? Not me! So.. yes we have had our moments since..but we got through them by using the same techniques.. sort out the big issues.. then work on being nice to one another.. and if one party is still feeling less than rampant.. use the "rules" to warm things up gradually.

Last Feb we had been married 37 years.. so I can only say it worked for us.. and no we are NOT one of those amazingly happy couples.. we still have our ups and downs.. but at least they are not CAUSED by lack of sex.. although lack of sex may be a result.

Hope you all find a way through to a happy outcome.

Dodgypins - you speak good solid common sense and it clearly works.

Just found this thread. The issues are very relevant to me and DH, but we are gradually finding our way through it, in very much the same way as ABetadad describes (I'm the one with lower libido, but I do really enjoy sex when it happens, and we are "good" at it !)

Three things are really helping:

1. If I feel ambivalent, then that's a signal that I am persuadable, and it's worth us going for it, rather than how it used to be (unless I was up for it in a big way at the outset, we wouldn't have sex - thus it had dwindled to less than once a month).

2. Once a week, we go to bed straight after the kids go to bed, before we are too tired to have sex.

3. I have recognised that DH needs to feel loved and wanted, and that I can do this for him by giving him an orgasm without me wanting anything myself. Sex had become a bit of a performance, because it was infrequent, it felt like it had to be "profound" and long every time

It took a massive, upsetting argument (very rare for us) for me to see how unhappy DH had become about the situation, and how BOTH of us were taking each other for granted.

I really agree with what solidgold said about equality of domestic duties and free time being a factor in both partners feeling valued.

Paolosgirl . I don't know about anyone else but dh and I have talked about this. He knows that I have always had a fairly low libido (exept for a short time in the esrly days id a relationship) and in both my previous marriage and my other live in relationship, this was the case. This helped to convinve him it was not about him,

Also,in general once I have started (so to speak) I find that I start to enjoy it, Not always but pretty much most of the time. This too I think helps dh. I just sometimes need a bit of help getting past the initial lethergy/reluctance.

If I find I am not making the transition to enjoying it, dh and I have discussed what are acceptable compromises for both of us. For instance I am happy to help dh orgasm in a variety of ways if I find that the idea of full sex doesn't become more appealing after we start the kissing, caressing etc.

Dh does find my lack of initiating sex a bit frustrating I know but the compromise we have seems to be working for the moment.

Really identify with a lot of the things said on this thread.

For me it is so tied up with what happens all the rest of the day. If I am feeling taken for granted re: housework and childcare I just can't generate the kind of loving tender feelings towards dh to want sex.

Something no-one else has mentioned which I hope is not peculiar just to me is that I feel some of the love and intimacy I used to lavish on DH is going to DD. I am not bf anymore but she is a very cute cuddly toddler. This am we were rolling around on the bed with me tickling her tummy or she will snuggle on my lap and I love kissing the nape of her neck. obviously none of this is in any sexual way but it is the kind of loving intimate stuff that used to be just for dh. I can't help feeling it is in some way related.

mamadoc That's so true, I'm sure it's connected.

any way you can have some non-intercourse sex from him for a month or so?
Massages, kisses, cuddles, romance, candles... more sensual massages but NO intercourse. i.e. he has to get you begging for it by the end of the month! ;p

The more you have the more you want it! definitely - but he has to know that it can't just be sex. When you're not feeling it - sometimes it is not that you don't want some sexy fun as a couple but because you don't want to 'go all the way!'

Just an update really. After reading several of these posts I felt quite inspired to at least start the kissing and cuddling part of our relationship last night- hadn't said anything to DH. After I'd put DS to bed, went downstairs to cuddle up and see what happened (no expectations) but found DH in his scruffy clothes, drinking his 3rd glass of wine and watching telly.

As soon as I saw him, I thought 'if you've had a few drinks I won't bother as I don't find that attractive' and the evening progressed as it usually does with telly, me getting tired before DH and separate bedtimes.

Having thought about it since, I'm sure DH had a couple of drinks (and no he doesn't get drunk and isn't an alcoholic) as he presumed he wasn't 'getting any'. Can't help feeling this is a catch 22 that my low sex drive has created. This is not the first time this has happened, and we have had words before, but it's not fair of me to expect him not to have few drinks on a Saturday night on the very rare of chance that I may be in the mood.

Thoughts and advice anyone?

GGA - Personally I'd have had a couple of glasses myself and snuggled on the sofa with him. The bit that would have put me off would be the scruffy clothes bit, I'd maybe have said would you like me to run you a bath then we can watch a film together?

goinggreyalready - what you said is ringing a lot of bells. I am sorry you are having such a rotten time.

I had a conversation with my wife about this recently. She admitted that at my lowest point she gave up and stopped trying to initiate because I was aways 'tired'. She really wanted me to initiate but always held back herself because she did not want to pester me. Of course I had competely lost my confidence so I did not initiate either and then nothing happened. It never seemed quite the right time for me.

I really had to screw up my courage and be direct to break the deadlock. Your phrase Catch 22 is exactly right.

I agree with LoveMyGirls, snuggling is a great start but eventually someone has to suggest the next step. I read your post and got the feeling that you were hoping DH would initiate but maybe he really feels he does not want to pester you and is holding back? Sincere apologies if I have read that wrong.

I know this is such a difficult time. Maybe try and catch your DH early in the evening before he starts drinking and suggest you go to bed early and put yourself in control as I suggested in my earlier posts?

In the end, it took a lot of courage to break the impasse and I did just blurt out how I felt and it came out all wrong - but it broke the impasse. It is not easy I know and absolutely no criticism from me because I know you are trying ever so hard to resolve this.

I really wish you and your DH well. All my fingers crossed too.

goinggrey yes, a catch 22 situation is what it is, but soon enough you are just in the habit of NOT having sex, so having it just takes on this massively overblown significance.

When I spoke to DH about it, he also said that he just gave up initiating sex because he didn't want to get rejected any more. I in turn started to feel he wasn't interested (and, if I'm honest, a little relieved not to be pestered). But his feelings did not go away. He was feeing very rejected. I found it so hard to explain that it wasn't that i didn't fancy him, it's that I didn't fancy "it".

I read a "Men are from Mars.." book - the one about sex . I think it's called "Venus and Mars in the Bedroom", which talks about how to get back into the habit of doing it.

The message really is "Just do it!". Like others have said , you have to be the one to initiate. As I said before, we now schedule sex , and also if I am not actively thinking "no way"", then I will go for it. It always turns out well in the end!

Also - I would really recommend getting a vibrator and some reading material (the Nancy Friday books are good), to get yourself in the mood - on your own.

paolosgirl to answer your question, I think that when you have been out of the habit of having sex, then it is not as black and white as wanting it or not wanting it. For me, there are all sorts of barriers that can leap in the way, even if I'm in the mood, and it's a matter of finding the right way (together) of getting past those. Always with the proviso that if it ain't working, then we don't carry on.

Haven't read all of this thread but I have found that lack of libido is related to my vision of myself as a mother rather than that of a woman looking for a partner. Similar to an earlier poster who linked it to biology I now feel more focused on nurturing rather than getting impregnated.

There is also at the back of my mind the idea of the children walking in mixed with old memories of how I imagined my own parents having sex. That is enough to put anyone off

I have read very little of this thread but I picked up that tiredness and unequal domestic work sometimes (obviously not always the reason) plays a part. In these cases why not be frank with DP and tell him (or her) that if she does more of the cooking, child care, gardening etc and frees you up for nice relaxing jog/walk or whatever, then you are more likely to be up for it. I wouldn't complain if that is what was required.

However, i do recognise that things aren't great if you need to spell this out to DP. However, worth a try. Good night.

I just wanted to add a comment or two, to answer the question about not being in the mood, I think if dh snuggles up and starts to try it, I make a choice, sometimes it is no. But often, I know that if we don't go too fast, I will end up getting aroused and enjoying it, so I am as someone else said 'persuadable' The trouble is dh asks less and less often, and I know he feels rejected, because I don't initiate, and don't always want it. Then I feel (as I feel right now - we haven't had sex for abut 6 weeks) I feel rejected and that he obviusly doesn't fancy me. The thing is I know that isn't true, but that is how I feel, so I don't get to the point of feeling sexy and initiating.

I do think the domestic chores thing is relevant. But it isn't as simple as it looks. There have been times when dh has been really busy, he wants to be at home more, but can't, and I know he is really tired. But at the same time, when that happens I have to be really busy carrying the extra home end burden. I know in my mind that it isn't reasonable, but a part of me feels unappreciated when I end up doing something that is 'his' job because of the situation. It is my responsibility to get past that, but emotions are hard to change.

Also, I know that the quality f our relationship jut slides when we don't have sex, we get more and more distant, less and less understanding, more snappy. It is sometimes subtle, but when we do it we usually see in instant improvement all round!

Goinggrey - it seems to be really hard for you to talk to him, how about a little note? You could be blunt (lets go to bed early and have sex) or more subtle and romantic, but stick it in is pocket as he leaves for work and tell him to read it later in private, and see what happens. I really think it will be easier for you to talk about the rest of the issue after you have broken the no sex deadlock. Good luck

Well, I am feeling that I ought to do something to change my own situation, after writing on here last night I made a few decisions about our life and a few things I can do, including initiating something tonight, but my dh has an upset stomach today, so it will have to go on hold!!

steppemum I could have written your post, especially the thing about getting distant and snappy. Classic Catch22 - why would I want sex with someone who is grumpy with me?

The thing that has changed it for me is to really start talking about the problem honestly.

I notice no-one has commented on my vibrator/porn idea. I know it might sound a bit mechanistic, but it is very helpful to get yourself in the mood.

The other thing I wanted to say is that a lot of you on here have very young children, and I really do think it is hard to prioritise sex in these circumstances. Sadly, it seems that Mother Nature has played a really nasty trick , in that one of the things that cements a relationship (sex and intimacy) is the very thing to suffer when you need to be at your most united (bringing up children).

We have not really been able to get a grip on this (pardon the pun) until recently, and our DS are 6 and 8.

Meant to add to this thread over the weekend but got sidetracked...
So much of this could have been written by me. Early days/trying for baby - sex was fun. even after baby, it felt important to try.
Now, kids are 4 and 6, I'm so-o-o not interested. I just want to go to sleep at bedtime. We ahve tried the "just after the kids go to sleep around 9pm" but I'm doing it for DH, cos it seems important to him, not cos I want to. If he rushes it, I hate it. If he goes slowly I just want it to be over. I don't even get aroused, just seems like he's going thru a step-by-step guide of what to do "rub here, kiss there" - when I suppose if I was in the right frame of mind the same thing might seem different.

I never get an orgasm - so it's not that sex is something I look forward to - it's just something that someone does to me when I'd rather be doing something else.

And yes - it's one more chore at the end of the day, one more duty. Esp when i'm still doing chores at 10pm while he's watching TV "contemplating an evening of lurve" as one of you put it.

Having read this, realise mini-pill may be contributing, also pelvic floor muscles not good, but I really have no motivation to bother changing, I'm really not bothered - sor tof wish I was cos of pressure from society to like sex, and it'd keep the peace between us, but no other reason.

Im glad there are others out there! Im really over it too, i dont even get anything out of it once we start, and kinda cant wait for it to be over with so i can go to sleep (Im still getting up 3 times a night to bfeed).
we average 3 or 4 a month and im 24, it used to be so much fun when we were 1st together but now its just another chore...
Whenever we do it, i do it mainly for him, or in exchange for a back massage!!