My sex drive is non-existent. Am I the only one?

[goinggreyalready]

My sex drive is much lower than DH's and always has been, but I made lots of effort when we were TTC our DS. The lack of action continues to cause rows between DH and me and things certainly aren't improving, even though we would both dearly love another baby (and I'm 36).

I'm starting to feel like some sort of freak and that the rest of the world must be at it like rabbits. Has anyone else had this problem, and if so, what did you do about it? Please share your stories so I can hopefully feel more positive about TTC when I do actually do the deed again

Thanks

GGA - yes this happened to me after I had ds. My sex drive took a nose dive and gradually got worse - to the point where I'd have cheerfully given it up for good. It did bother me........I felt that I was missing out, not just h. I then got diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. Once treatment started my sex drive improved dramatically - wish it was that simple for everyone. Now I am pregnant and find I want it less again. I think womens sex drive is affected by many factors and that makes it harder to resolve when theres a problem.

Kudos to you ABetaDad

ABetaDad thanks for sharing your experience. I especially appreciate it as I have been reading this thread and feeling for everyone, but also as in my relationship it is dh who has a much lower sex drive than me. He always has and it has been a recurring problem for us, at some times more than others, and sometimes with plenty of fights and others without.

I don't have any wisdom or even any particular thoughts to add, just had to post as I find it so frustrating and - although giving dh things to feel guilty about doesn't help at all - I feel so rejected a lot of the time. Unfortunately dh is not much of a talker and also not really given to self-analysis, he just says this is how he is and I have to accept it - though like many of you ladies, he says he really wishes he wanted it more, for both our sakes. For the moment I am just glad to be 7 months pg with dc2 - unlike last time round, I have totally lost all inclination to get it on and so it hasn't been an issue (and hasn't happened...) for about 2 months. To be honest I doubt it will happen for a long time, would be surprised if we manage it before baby arrives and I know well how difficult it is afterwards even though based on previous experience, my sex drive will be back pretty soon. I find that really upsetting but I don't know what to do about it. The real shame is that after having dd and when we did start having sex again after her birth, I have felt so much more confident as a woman and proud of my body in a way I never did before, I felt like sex got so much better. I really hoped it would make a difference (dh has said a few times that if it was better maybe he'd be more up for it ) but nothing has changed.

Sorry to go on. I have hardly managed to talk about this ever, despite lengthy discussions/arguments between the two of us. We have been to counselling and even then just dodged the discussion in the end and talked about general stuff, which improved our day to day relationship but just leaves me (us, probably) feeling like we are doomed never to dare resolve it.

ABetaDad can I ask what triggered you to start trying to deal with the issue, and what helped? I have been trying to find ways to help my husband (or whatever the best approach is!) throughout our 8 years together but nothing we've thought of seems to inspire him/us to tackle the issue effectively.

CAn I join in please? Have 2 kids, well out of teh baby stage & couldn't care less if I never had sex again. Don't think about it,want it, lust after anyone at all, no desire to masturbate. I completely agree with the poster who thouht it was evolutionary related to a degree. Luckily I have a very tolerant Dh whose libido isn't much higher than mine, but I do feel very guilty & wish I could find some magic potion that would make me want sex again.

Betadad, thanks for my wake up call! Your story certainly gives the rest of us hope.

sandyballs, I understand what you feel when you say its a confidence thing and that you feel daft initiating sex now. Is it like riding a bike do you think? (and no, my DH is not a bike ) What if I have no idea what to do and the sex is unfulfilling and it puts me off trying again.

flirtygerty, if you do get that potion, can you send some my please

Is anyone on this thread thinking about TTC or TTC already? Would appreciate hearing from you for some moral support. I have this fear of it taking forever for us to conceive and we're both having sex because we have to.

I would love to have more sex but it hurts most of the time due to getting thrush a lot probably down to PITA inl's

goinggreyalready (and many others) I want post a bit more about my own experience of the journey back from having little or no libido over the last several years to where I am today.

As you will recall from my earlier post I am a bloke and it me with a low libido but I think my experience is relevant to man or woman.

[I think that euromum will find this especially helpful for her DH but it really is for everyone.]

The first step on my journey back began in about July 2007 by recognising I had a low libido. All of you have already done that step by posting on this thread but it was hard for me to admit that to myself even though I felt guilty about not making my wife sexually happy. The second step was to make a personal commitment to myself to find out why I had a low libido and do something about it. Without this I knew it would be impossible to change anything.

In fact, I had been increasingly ill throughout 2006. Unbeknown to me, I had an undignosed gall bladder problem and was tired and in pain almost all of the time. I felt just as exhausted as I did when we had very small babies to care for. I could barely walk at times but I was ignoring the problem like all blokes do. I found sex exhausting, often failed to maintain an erection and in the end just did not want to do it at all because fo that fear of failure and lack of enjoyment. In March 2008 I eventually got my gall bladder removed and started going to the gym to get fitter. I hoped the gym work would increase my energy levels and also increase testosterone levels which I think it did.

I also bought new clothes which I asked my wife to help me choose and started to go out with my wife once a week for a long lazy lunch without the kids. I still was not well though and still am not but I am stil trying to get better and have changed my diet and lost about 3 kilos and need to lose 5 more more.

My libido has started to improve very recently but during the long journey of trying to regain my health and my libido I have also made a serious effort to maintain a sex life with my wife and increase frequency and satisfaction for her even though I really did not feel like it all at times. This took a real personal commitment from me to recognise and accept her libido still existed and stop thinking only of myself. She never nagged me once and we have never argued about sex but we have argued a lot about other things which I think were really a proxy.

I backed up my commitment to recognising her libido with a lot of frank and deeply emotional talking about how I felt about sex, how I felt when I failed to maintain an erection or reach orgasm and how I just felt very little physical pleasure when we had sex even though I loved her. I reassured her that none of it was her fault.

Even though I did not feel like it I also made a commitment to her that I would address her physical and emotional need for sex. I did not agree to just do it for her as other posters have suggested. That is wrong and bound to fail. Instead, I completely defined what I was prepared to do and what I did not want to do during sex and got her agreement. My aim was to restore enjoyment for me in but a way I could handle while my libido recovered and of course my aim was to give her enjoyment too.

My conditions were as follows:

1. I will take responsibility for initiating regular sex even if I do not feel completley well and as long as I am physically able to.

1. Sex does not have to include penetration because I find it hard work and often I fail to maintain an erection which upsets me.

1. Sex does not have to include reaching orgasm (ejaculating) but that does not mean I did not enjoy it or that I do not love you.

1. Sex has to be much much slower, last longer and involve a lot of talking, holding, kissing and touching. Sometimes I will not want you to touch some parts of my body but I will tell you and please do not be offended.

1. I will bring you to orgasm if you want me to and I will be happy to do that as a sign of respect for your needs and as a sign of my love for you.

1. I wil kiss and hug you at times outside sex and spend more time doing that.

So far my libido is still low but improving, I am aiming to initiate sex twice a week and am beginning to enjoy it a lot more. The more you do it the more you enjoy is true. I am still not well but I am much much happier and so is my wife. I feel much closer to her and we argue much less.

Each person's journey will be different to mine but the crucial steps I think will be the same. In paticular making a personal commitment to tackle the issue talking to your DP/DH/DW and defining carefully what you are prepared to do for them in and what you wil enjoy in sex while you undertake that journey to restoring your libido. Undertaking some sexual activity but on your terms will relieve the tension in a relationship and bring back enjoyment for both people.

Above all, I would say do not bury your head and hope your libido will come back or your partner's libido will go away as if by magic. I tried that approach and it did not work. I had to DO something.

Hope that is helpful for at least some of you. I have never spoken to anyone about this except my wife.

what a brave and thought-provoking post

ABetaDad, you have my utmost respect for your honesty and for sharing so many personal details- thank you. I certainly have parts of my body that I'm keen not to be touched, and I know now that that may be part of what's holding me back. If I can ask a REALLY personal question, how did you decide 'tonight's the night' and initiate sex/ intimacy for the first time after a period of not having any? I know DH will be delighted when I do initiate something but I'm not feeling brave enough. Hope I haven't offended you or anyone for asking

Abetadad - you will get much respect on here for being so honest and showing such integrity. I do hope things improve for you at home as it seems you are doing everything possible to help it along. Sorry to read that you were so ill (not surprised your libido suffered), but glad you are in better health now.

ABetaDad thank you so much for such incredible openness here - that is indeed a brave post and you correctly suspected that I found it very helpful to read! I find it really encouraging that you haven't spoken to anyone about this apart from your wife, as I think one of the first things women think of is a talking solution, whether it's marriage or individual conselling or just talking to a close friend, but it's something that my dh and I suspect probably a lot of guys find really difficult and thus not the best solution. So to know that you have been able to make such huge progress without outside help is really encouraging to me. I hope your both your health and your libido continue to improve and really wish you all the best with it, it sounds like you have been extremely considerate and loving, made a huge effort, and are beginning to see the results you both deserve.

For my part, you've given me some very thought provoking things to mull over about how we can best deal with our situation. I've always known it but it is a real challenge to me to do all I can not to nag, fight or in any way make him feel like a failure.

Thank you very much for such honesty .

goinggreyalready - not offended at all.

I suggest you do not think of it as 'tonight's the night'.

Here is one idea you might like to try.

What I suggest instead is to make sure you get your DS asleep as normal this evening and then then tell DH that you are going for a bath and that you would like him to join you in 15 minutes. Do this early in the evening when you are not tired.

Fill the bath and get in with some bubble bath. When he comes in get him to sit in front of you but with his back to you. Tell him you are not ready for sex and you do not want him to touch you just yet but you want to make him happy and then touch and caress him until .. well ... you know what I mean. Make sure he achieves sexual release and he feels happy and relaxed quiet early on so that you can talk and the whole sex thing is not in the way and hanging in the air.

As he is sitting in front of you but facing away he wil not be able to touch you and the water and foam will make you feel less self concious. When he is feeling more relaxed and the immeidate tension has ben relieved then that is the time to talk about how you feel about the issue, why you feel self concious about your body, what you intend to do aboout it (e.g going to the gym, go on a diet, etc.). Tell him how you fel about him, etc. Talk about everything.

What I suggest is you tell him explicitly you want to him to let you keep initiating and you promise that this kind of regular 'us' time will continue several times a week where he wil be able to achieve sexual release but you need a bit more time before you feel comfortable. I especially think that weekends are good times but during the week it should hapen as well. I know a couple who schedule a bath time every night together. They occassionally eat in the bath, have a glass of wine and of course talk and make love quite often there as well.

As time goes by you will begin to feel more confident to let DH touch you but always under your control. This way you will be in control of what happens, your DH wil feel yuu are keep initiating and that he is not being pushed away.

thanks all for this thread.

dh thinks i am the only person whose sex drive has disappeared after having dc. there are lots of reasons for this, but it is a significant source of tension between us, and i don't know how to 'snap out of it' but there are some good ideas here (and thank you betadad for your honest posts). the causes are:

i am at least 7kg overweight and do not feel sexy

i often feel 'pestered' by children all day, then pestered by dh in bed. leave me alone!

i am still bf, which may be decreasing my libido

i am on the mini pill which i feel has significantly decreased my libido. it is a no win situation, without it i want sex more but can't have it (we both hate condoms)

if i get 10 mins at the end of a day i would rahter read a book than have sex. or have more sleep!

i am constantly tired, as is dh and we therefore often bicker which does not encourage me to have sex.

if only there were more hours in a day or more energy/desire in me!

nikki, I have to say an open relationship has crossed my mind. To have the pressure taken off me would be great but I know I couldn't deal with it on an emotional level.

Kally, well I've heard that libido can increase post menopause. I sincerely hope so for my sake (and DH's of course) as if things keep getting worse I'm not sure we'll still be together.

I do think modern life is a definate killer for our sex life. We basically have a 1.5 hour window in the evening (barring illness/nights out etc) in which to unwind/watch tv/read/have sex and I guess I resent having to spend my precious free time doing something I don't particularly want to do (although I do enjoy it once we get going ).

But am glad to know I'm not alone in how I feel and am not a weirdo/freak (although I may be in other ways but that's another thread!)

Thank you abetadad for your posts. They have encouraged me...

Abetadad just wanted to say that far from being TMI, reading that "this very morning, becoming spontaneously aroused for the first time in several years just by my wife giggling putting her arms round me and wiggling her bottom in a nice new pair of trousers" struck a huge chord with me and made me a little weepy. In our relationship, dh has always had a much lower sex drive and I have always wished that something small and everyday like a giggle and a wiggle would turn him on - made me realise that for me it has not even about having sex, but feeling that my husband wants me. For now, it is not an issue, because dc2 is 3 months old and my sex drive has totally vanished, for the first time in my life. Horribly this is kind of welcome as it means I am free from wanting sex and not having it, and free from feeling rejected when I try to initiate it. The other day dh complained that we hadn't had sex for several months and I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to ask if now he understands a little part of what I have felt all this time.
Anyway - thanks for your posts, they have helped.

nikki1978. Just wanted to answer your question. Just feel awkward starting things, its been so long have totally lost confidance.

onemorenomore yes I do orgasm pretty much everytime we have sex (only don't when I have had one two many!). I do take responsibility for my own orgasm though and generally touch myself while we have sex as I don't orgasm through intercourse alone (I don't think many women do). We have fun with sex too it is not a serious stare into each others eyes and whisper sweet nothings all the time. We are playful and talk and laugh too and find out what turns eahc other on. I think it helps a lot that we are comfortable with our bodies in front of each other (even when I was 4 stone heavier than I am now DH always made it clear how much he loved my body and fancied me and I have always been the same to him). We are also very touchy and kissy during the day and will almost always cuddle, kiss or pinch bottoms as we pass.

But we haven't always been like this it has come and go throughout our relationship and the longer we have been together the better it has got.

I think time together as a couple is so important and we have had a few long weekends away and the sex happens much more when the kids aren't around. We also give the kids breakfast in front of a DVD on Saturday or Sunday mornings every week so we can go back to bed together to chat and cuddle.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying that we are perfect as a couple but we put the effort in and make sure our relationship with each other is as important as that with our children. In the end our kids will grow up and fly the nest but we will be stuck with each other forever! I want to look forward to my later years or spending time alone with my husband not dread it

I also think it is so important to come to terms with your own body and learn to love it. Yes I have lost weight but I am still a size 12-14 and wibbly in places but I think I look pretty good (even with the excess skin on the belly!) and my husband does too and wouldn't change me for the world.

Sex to me is such an important part of our relationship and I want to keep making that effort to keep things alive in that department. Hopefully we will still be at it in our 80's (although the thought makes me a bit queasy now!).

Gosh, this thread has stirred so many things for me, it is hard to know where to start.

I have 3 dcs and the youngest is 17 months. I bf all of them for at least a year, and my sex drive was rock bottom until I stopped bfing. Then it returned some. But my sex drive has always been low, and now with 3 little ones, and 2 of them waking in the night more than I would like, I am always tired.

I relate so well to those who said they were touched and or/pestered all day and in the evening they just wanted to be left alone. It isn't even about sex. Some evening I don't even want a proper conversation, but want to veg out in front of the telly, or loose myself in a book.

We rarely have sex more than once a month. I thought once dc 3 reached a year and I stopped bfing that my libido would improve and we would have it more often, but that hasn't happened yet. I do think it is really important though. I think that we have a lot of petty rows because we aren't connected in some way, and that really changes when we have sex more often, it allows us to get closer somehow, in a way I can't explain. For that reason I really agree with betadad (thank for that awesome post) when he talked about being committed to sex because of taking the other persons libido seriously. I think I often choose to have sex because we haven't done it for a while and I want to make dh happy, and once we start I enjoy it.

I remember reading a marriage book that talked about women only wanting sex once they felt close to their partners, but men wanted sex in order to feel close. In other words, if I want intimacy, give him sex, and if he wants sex, give me intimacy (emotional intimacy that is).

I do know that some things would help, but I haven't managed to get there yet. Specifically: doing more exercise, loosing some weight, going to bed every day at a reasonable time so we are less tired; and for me, clearing the air more often (when we squabble, actually coming back to it later and apologising/talking about it) I would also love to get a regular date night going, but I never feel sexy after a big meal, so I haven't quite worked out how to do that yet!

I am so glad to have found all the women and men on this thread because I know I am not alone, and it has actually made me think about it and now I am going to try and get around to doing some of those things on the list....

OrmIrian hasn't said she has a sexless life. Dh and I don't have a sexless life and I do enjoy sex. Quite often it is rampant and sometimes not. I pretty much always orgasm sometimes twice. I enjoy many types of sex. However I still don't see it as something I do for me. I have many other things I prefer to do for myself.

I do however know that for dh, as well as being something he craves (as do many men) it is also the primary way he has of feeling very close to me. I thus often have sex because it is good for our relationship and not because I want it.

Left to my own devices I'd probably want sex 1-2 times a month at most

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread I have found all the posts so very helpful in so many ways in further understanding my own low libido problem. Thank you to those who said nice things about my posts - I do hope they help and found that just being able to talk about my problems has been a huge relief.

I still have a way to go yet in dealing with my problems but today I found myself spontaneously kissing my wife full on the lips as we stood by the cash machine outside the bank. I know that two 45 year olds kissing in public is not an attractive thought [boak!] but it felt good and has not happened for years. Later on my wife grabbed me as I cooked lunch, kissed me, and told me how she now felt so happy with our relationship.

I hope you all manage to find a way through this to a happier place too. There really is a solution but it takes time, effort and lots of understanding from both partners in a relationship.

There have been studies done (Oh yes there have, and if there haven;t there should have been and I will in fact go off and do some) to the effect that the most crucial thing in keeping sex alive in longterm relationships is the man pulling his weight domestically. This isn't about rotas, or even a 50-50 exact split of chores, it's about not letting a situation arise where the woman feels that sex is just one more service she has to provide. The easy way to work out if this is going to be a problematic issue - or if it's the source of the problem when she doesn;t want sex as much as he does - is, do both parties have the same amount of leisure time? If there is a huge difference in the amount of leisure time then the relationship is unequal and the one doing all the chores is going to want less sex.

Hmm, thread had moved on a bit there... Glad so many of you are finding various ways to address the issue of mismatched libidos, and lots of luck and good times wished to you all.

Good post SolidGold. I'm guessing that for a lot of women who are still ironing the school uniforms and sorting out packed lunches at 10pm after doing a full days work outside the home, whilst their dh/p is in front the TV and gearing up for a night of luurve, that sex is probably the last thing they feel like!

I'm curious though - for those of you who have sex when they're not in the mood because you know your partner wants it - how does your partner feel knowing that they are having sex with someone who doesn't acually want to have sex at that time?